Call off the search parties....

See? I'm still here. I've just had a lot of stuff going on, not to mention not being able to get to the computer very much at all. Except at work. And, at work...well, I have to work (the last couple of weeks anyway, coz school just started back and it's hectic).

I've given notice to my real estate agent. "Ok, we'll be in touch within the next few days to let you know what you have to do now." Huh? I know what I have to do. I have to pack my things, move out, and get my bond money back. Bunch of dorks! I know they won't make it easy for me.

I finally relocated my cats to C's place on Thursday. They've spent most of the time hiding under beds or the kitchen table, and the rest of the time with their noses pressed against the glass sliding doors, looking desperate to get outside into the garden. Another day or so and I'll let 'em loose on the neighbourhood during the day.

My visits with Dr Fun-Killer are going well. I go every second week now. It's been about 110 days (I know this, coz I've had to pee on a stick each morning since then - to guage fat loss - and I just finished my first bottle of sticks and there's 100 in a bottle. How's that for too much information? Ha!) Anyway, I've lost about 8.5kg (that's 18.7 pounds!!) in three months. ALL pure fat, which completely grosses me out, but as Dr F-K says, at least it's not in me anymore. In the same time, I've put on about a kilo (2.2 pounds) of active muscle tissue.

I can tell the difference in my body shape, and I can see some nice abs shaping up. Not bad, considering I still only go to the gym twice a week at best. But, I'm still stuck in the mindset of "don't like what I look like and can see everything that's 'wrong' with me". I know I'll get past that, but it's hard to get that negative picture of yourself out of your head when it's been there for so long.

C and I took A to the Melbourne Aquarium (that place rocks!!) on Saturday and we got a half decent photo, so I might upload it sometime when I get a chance.

I don't think there's anything else to add - except that I could do with some positive job search vibes. Seems there's nothing worth even looking at in the area we live in - not good for me, considering I have a job right now that pays me really good money to do a bit of work from time to time and surf blogs and message boards all day. Won't get that anywhere else. But I wouldn't mind anything, as long as I can have internet access. Ha! Well a happy worker is a productive worker!

Back to the grind...

She's baaaack!

Ok folks, I'm back. Yes, I realise I haven't posted anything in eons and I haven't been around. 'Stuff' has been going on that I've had to deal with and work has been mad.

Brad, really sorry for not getting back to you and I know the deadline is waaay passed...please be patient...I've already sent myself to the corner for time out.

On the relationship front, things could not be better and I'm still stupid happy.

Sorry it's a quick one. I'll be back with more as soon as I can.

Hope you're all doing well.

E :-)

Cold feet

I typed this yesterday evening...

Well I dunno what it is. Nerves. Anticipation. It’s something. Everything is getting to me and it’s making me frustrated. I’m scared that I’m going to feel claustrophobic. Scared that C will. Scared that his place won’t feel like my place. Scared that I won’t feel at home, or that I won’t have some ‘space’ of my own. But, on the other hand, part of me doesn’t even care about those things. I just want to be settled. To feel secure. I’m used to it all falling apart right about now.

I thought once the decision was made that things would be easier. Guess it’s like a house that needs cleaning – as you start cleaning, it gets messier before it gets clean.

He went out today and bought me clothes. Clothes that are my colour, my style, and that fit (well he thought they were too big, so we went back and changed them, but still…). I couldn’t ask for more than who he is and what he does for me.

So what extra is it that I want? I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s the enormity of it all finally getting to me. Being responsible again to someone. Having to compromise. Changing my whole lifestyle of the last two and a half years.

Little things are getting to me. Stupid things. For example, he found a large print that he wanted to put above the bed. It’s as wide as the bed (queen) and a bit over half a metre high. It’s a picture of a naked woman lying down. If I saw it in a gallery, I’d have liked it. But above a bed? To me, it just wasn’t right. I think I was too quick with my “No”, and honestly it was just my instant reaction to it. I said to him it’s his house, his money, I’m not gonna stop him getting it. I think I disappointed him with my emphatic “No”. Like I said, somewhere else, it’d probably be nice. He said he won’t get it, because I’d have to sleep underneath it. Now I feel bad.

Number two stupid thing. My dad’s art. I have a few of his pieces. They’re mine. A few watercolours, a couple of oil paintings. I’ve mentioned a few times that he could put them wherever he likes and his responses have been pretty non-committal, so I’m just going to put them into storage with the rest of my things. The ex (E #2, not A’s mum) took over his house with her froo-froo stuff and cupid type things, so I can understand that he’d be cautious of having the same thing happen again. But it just got to me. I’m proud of my dad’s art and it’d be a shame to think it’s sitting in some dusty storage place somewhere I can’t see it. And really, I probably need something that’s ‘me’ to make me feel a bit more….at ease?

I suppose it’s all culminating because I have to give notice next week to my current landlord and once it’s done, it’s done.

I truly can’t fault C for anything, and he’s been everything I could ask for right from the start, and I know I just have some things I need to get over. Problem is, I don’t know what it is that’s fundamentally bothering me in order to solve it all for myself.

I’m sad all of a sudden. But I don’t know why. I’m frustrated and it feels like I have no patience. I feel as though there are so many things I haven’t taken into consideration (although none come to mind), so many things to do, and that there’s not going to be enough time, or I’m not going to be able to do all I need to do.

Disjointed. Chaotic. Isolated. Today, I feel like I’m watching myself from another angle and I don’t know who I am, what I’m doing, or where I’m going.

So there's an update to this.

After we got back from swapping over the tops he bought and looking at the print, we both did our own thing. I didn't want dinner, because I'd been to the gym and had a protein drink, so I wasn't hungry. Plus, he'd gone a bit quiet in the car, so I figured he was upset about the print thing and me not liking it.

We were both quiet for the next hour or so, then went to bed, where he read for a bit and I got frustrated, because I knew something was bothering him, but he wouldn't say. When he finished reading, I asked him what was up and he said nothing was. I knew better, so of course, I couldn't sleep and I got up and went into the lounge. Two hours later, after accidently falling asleep there, I went back to bed.

He didn't say anything this morning when he woke up, until he was out of the shower. I was still in bed and he came back and said sorry. At that point, I didn't say anything, because I wasn't sure he knew what he was sorry about. But then he said he only realised when he woke up that he'd been taking it out on me the fact that I didn't like the print and he was just being a control freak (his words).

I think both of us were surprised about it all, because it's probably the first thing we've not agreed upon. In all honesty, the print was nice - just for a gallery, not a bedroom, in my opinion.

It's a small thing in the big scheme of things, but the timing was/is bad for me. It just added to all the upheaval I'm feeling. I know he feels bad for making me upset, but aaaarrrgh, I'm fragile right now and don't need to be thinking either one of us is going to shut down and not talk when something's bothering us (as I'm prone to do).

It'll all be fine tonight, and we'll talk, but sheesh! Makes me wanna go eat stuff that's not on Dr F-k's list. *wry smile*

Birds of a feather

We live (or at least, I'm about to be living) in an estate which has a lot of parks, a golf course and a lake just around the corner from our place. There are ducks on the lake - big families of them.

A month or so ago, I was driving to work and I had driven down the road and was going through another estate. I had to stop at a roundabout and as I did, I noticed another car had stopped too. A mother duck was walking about a half a dozen ducklings across the road, so the car had to wait patiently till they all crossed. It was way cool to watch.

This morning, I was driving past the lake around the corner from us and another car was coming in the other direction. I don't think either of us saw the ducks till we were right beside them, but just as we drove past, we noticed there was a mother duck and probably about twelve little ducklings stepping off the road and onto the footpath - just in time!

I'd been in a bad mood, so to see a happy little duck family just going about its business in the middle of suburbia, cheered me up somewhat.

But nature has a funny way of achieving balance. Another ten minutes down the road, a bird flew right out in front of me and under my car. It looked like a suicide mission and it certainly didn't look like it was very much alive from my rear vision mirror. It saw me coming, but it flew at me anyway. Crazy bird!

Why did a stinkin' kamikaze bird have to spoil my happy nature moment for the day and put me back into my sombre mood?

Perfect communication

I had to go to a different one of Dr Fun-Killer's offices today, to pick up one of his awful concoctions I take twice a day.

Me: Hi, (Dr Fun-Killer) said I could come here and pick up some of that stuff in the bottle.
Receptionist: Oh, ok, that stuff.
Me: Yeah.
Receptionist: (walks into other room to get it) It doesn't have the thing, though.
Me: Oh, that's ok, I have one with the thing at home.

Who cares if nobody else knew what we were talking about.

**On a side note, this no-fun stuff is working. I ate a piece of chocolate today. I haven't had any for months now. I feel sooooo sick. No more chocolate for me. The brainwashing is working.

He'll make a great wife

Tuesday night I went to gym straight after work, so I got home shortly after 7pm. I walked in the door, past the bedroom and noticed that C was in the middle of stripping the bed and putting new sheets on. I walked up the hall and he's standing in the kitchen doing the ironing, has the oven on, cooking a chicken, has washing hanging up and the washing machine was on.

Last night, I got home and he had done the grocery shopping to buy things for dinner, because we had a guest over, he was vacuuming, scrubbing the stove top, and doing more washing. While I showered, he organised a platter of crackers and dips for pre-dinner drinks.

He's just too good.

Oh, and in other news, I'm really struggling to find a job that pays well, is close(r) to where I live, and is interesting, so I was complaining yesterday that I should just take some crappy part time job or become a housewife, because I'm just getting frustrated with it all. He says, "ok, we can talk about that". Ha, my guy doesn't care if I become a bum!

I'll have to keep him, I think.

Salsa, tarot and yum cha

My weekend away with the girls was interesting, to say the least. This was our 8th trip away together - it's a yearly event (to different places each year) and we generally go in November, but due to 'stuff', we couldn't do it last year. That just means two holidays this year, and we don't mind that at all!

Five of us went. I have to say, this was the first and the last time I have or will ever book the trip again. Pleasing five women (including myself) is difficult, when everybody wants different things. Needless to say, there was bitching about the accommodation. Granted, there was no pool, but folks, we're near the beach, so get over it.

I had high hopes for the accommodation. It looked nice on all the internet sites I looked at. Like this one, for example. We think they made a mistake somewhere, overbooked, and had to put us in cupboards. Can't say I've ever been in a smaller hotel room. We had two rooms that interconnected. Even with the door open the entire time, we were squished. Not to mention, there were five of us, so we needed an extra fold out bed. Yeah, two rooms, five women, we share beds - we're cheap and hate spending money. However, we do like to get liveable rooms for what we pay for.

Breakfast both mornings was a buffet, but the soup nazis kicked us out not long after we'd sat down on the Saturday morning (apparently 'till 10am' means you get kicked out at 10am even if you only just sat down to your eggs and bacon), and we had to wait for a table on the Sunday, then had to beg for more eggs to be made. Ah yes, 'twas fun.

Friday consisted walking around pretty much aimlessly for most of the day in the heat. At Darling Harbour, only a few minute's walk away, we discovered there was a latin festival happening. Being that we all used to take latin dance lessons, we got excited. Unfortunately, when we went back, they weren't letting any more people in, so we missed out.

So off we went to Chinatown, which was around the corner from our hotel. I would relay some of the crazy things we said, or that were said to us, or that we saw, but it's just not the same in type as actually being there.

Since we missed the latin festival, we decided to get our tarot done by a Brazilian woman. Three of us got ours done. The other two girls weren't really impressed with what the woman had to say, but I was interested. Funnily, I kept drawing the same card over and over and the woman was as surprised as I was. My whole reading was to do with money. I didn't tell her anything, I just let her talk. She said pretty similar stuff to what the psychic said last year (in relation to money, anyway) and gave me similar timelines too. I'll let you know what happens.

We went to Manly beach on Saturday - caught the ferry across from Circular Quay. A couple of hours on the beach and I have to say, I'm really impressed with myself that I didn't get burnt. As soon as I lay down, I fell asleep and that was that. There was a jazz band playing where the ferries come in, so we got out of the sun for a while and listened to them. It wasn't till we got back to our hotel (a half hour walk from Circular Quay), that we realised one of the girls was so burnt, she looked like she'd had hot oil poured over her legs. By Sunday they had swollen really badly. I would have sat in a bath all day.

We split up on Sunday, because three of the girls are shopping fanatics and the other one and I did not want to be dragged around aimlessly all day, getting irritated. It was hot. Sweating, walking, and shopping in Chinatown where it's hard to understand people, is just not for me. So we opted for airconditioning and regular shops. I was determined to find something that fit me. And I was still looking for a pair of jeans. We weren't confident, because C (girlfriend of same name - confusing!) and I really detest shopping. After being asked by one store guy if I wanted jeans that "sit on your pubes, or just above them?", I was about to give up.

Till we hit Ojay. Lord knows how, but I managed to buy ten items from that place! C just wandered around the store finding me things. I stayed in the dressing room and just put on what she gave me. She's amazing. I bought everything she picked out. Granted, most don't fit me right and will have to be adjusted, but I found some that actually fit me and I can wear now. I even bought a skirt and a slinky red dress. This is a feat in itself because I only own one other skirt and no dresses. I know I have a pair of high heels somewhere....

Everything was really heavily reduced and I paid about $470 for $1000 worth of stuff. I am one happy girl! In another store, I found a pair of 3/4 jeans that were reduced to $20. No, they don't fit exactly right, but shit, for $20 it doesn't matter. I still couldn't find a pair of regular jeans though.

Satisfied that I'd done enough shopping (in under an hour, mind you!) to last me a few years, we went to meet up with the rest of the girls for yum cha lunch. Then they realised how much yum cha might actually cost us, so we opted for a regular chinese meal, which turned out really nice. I have serious issues about how disrespectfully one of the girls talked to the restaurant staff, and found myself being especially nice to them in order to compensate, but I'm not going to go on about it. Three days with some people is more than enough, no matter how nice they are in general.

The flight home was eventful. Well, not the flight itself. Having been told the flight would be delayed, then not, then that it would be, we had no idea when we'd get home. Finally, we got on board and taxied out to the runway. And stopped. After a while, the captain said there was engine trouble and we were being towed back to the gate and that they'd work out what to do with us. Um...let us off? An engineer came on board twice and twice they checked the engine and twice they thought it was working, but it wasn't. The pilot eventually said things were cool and we could take off. Meanwhile, we all just wanted to be let off that plane and be given one that worked. So, we took off and were fine.

Landing was another matter. I kid you not, we hung on like we were on a rollercoaster when we touched the ground. We were going soooo fast - too fast - and the plane actually skidded sideways at one point. Methinks the pilot was so worried about his engine that he forgot which was the brake and which was the accelerator. I thought we'd go off the runway - or hit a building.

We arrived pretty late and C was there to meet me. Even though he was only ten minutes from home, he waited there 2 and a half hours to pick me up. The guy has incredible patience!

My deductions for the weekend were:

1. Sydney sucks. Sorry, but it does and I used to live there, so I can say that. Melbourne rocks!
2. Three days is just long enough not to go nuts when you put five women in two small rooms the size of prison cells.
3. I'm proud (or sad?) to say I was the only gal who did not have something about my guy to complain about.
4. I actually missed Melbourne. I'm glad to be back.

Risible Girl

Can you send me a link please? I can't get to your blog now you've changed stuff! :-(

You think this is legit, or not?

Received this email as an enquiry on my dad's website. Am trying to work out how to find out if it's legitimate, or not. Thoughts??? Sad that our first real 'unsolicited' sales enquiry is from Nigeria, so I automatically assume it's a scam....

Dear sales,

Compliement of the season to you. My name is Sheila Magret and i desired to conatct you via email. Please i will like to place an order with you,also to know the shipping cost Lagos,Nigeria along with your carrier via {USPS GLOBAL EXPRESS MAIL SPEED POST}2-3days or UPS. I will like to know the shipping cost before i procced to selection items.Please include your domain name(website) for selection of goods for quote.

And the only method of payment is by CREDIT CARD {VISA, MASTER}, Wish to have a business with you.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Thanks&Best regards,

Sheila Magret

How to make me...

...or something equally as odd. Now you know!

How to make a eve

Ingredients: 5 parts friendliness 1 part self-sufficiency 3 parts energy

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little emotion if desired!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Intriguing

Yes, folks, I'm back. I'll update later.

Last week, I was surfing BE and I found A Tissue of Lies. Whether it's real, or not, I really like the way it's written and I'm hooked on it.

I hope it's just a book, but I suspect not.

Putting a price on it

Yes, yes, I know, lot's of posts today. That'll make four for the day (I think), but since I'm away for the next three days, consider it compensating, or something.

Since C and I confirmed that I'll be officially moving in with him, we haven't discussed anything financial. It seems apparent that's not a concern to him, although it's been on my mind a lot.

I asked him last night how much he'd like me to contribute (see: pay 'rent'). He hadn't even considered it and said he thought we'd just split bills. As good an offer as that sounds, I can't do that. Yeah, it's his house, his mortgage, but I think it's necessary that I contribute in some way other than just paying bills.

Anyway, I know what I'm comfortable contributing, although I suspect he'll think it's too much, even though it'll mean we're both saving money. It just never occured to me not to make some sort of contribution other than bills and I find it interesting that it never occured to him that I should.

I'll be leaving to go to my girlfriend's place at 5am tomorrow morning (yeah, at the time, booking a 7am flight seemed like a good thing to do!), so we can all go to the airport together, and I won't be back until late Sunday night.

I won't see C for practically three days. That's almost half a week. (Said in my best Jessica Simpson voice.) Eons! LOL and to think I survived months on end doing an international LDR!

Physics, anyone?

I have no idea how, but C and I got into a discussion on how things are different in the southern and northern hemispheres. Like how water flows in different directions down a plug hole, depending where you are. Is it because of gravitational forces, tides, or what? We didn't resolve that topic, because he brought up something else. Something I thought was garbage, but maybe someone else knows the answer.

He said that magnetic currents in the northern and southern hemispheres are different, so if you have a northern hemisphere tv, to use it in the southern hemisphere, you need to turn the magnetic bit (whatever technical term it is) of the tv, upside down to make it work.

I said that's ridiculous, but he was adamant. I couldn't tell whether he was serious or not. I told him I'd google it. He said go ahead. I have yet to do that.

Anyway, my reasoning behind it being incorrect is that tvs on planes and ships crossing the Equator would stop working once they got to the other hemisphere. Alternatively, one would have to stand on their head to watch tv if they bought a European tv in Australia. I used to have a Blaupunkt tv, and I don't recall ever having to stand on my head to watch it.

The only other thing I can think of is that planes suddenly turn into the Gravitron midair and all the passengers flip upside down for the second half of the journey (if you're going LA to Melbourne, for example). Mind you, this could still be right. Last time I flew back from LA, I was so sick and was passed out from drinking Nyquil, anything could have happened. My head was definitely spinning.

So tell me, physics nuts, what's up? ...or down?

Supersize me

You know, shopping when I'm in a good mood is difficult, but shopping when I'm moody and irritable? Well, I seriously don't know why I even tried.

I've been doing Dr Fun Killer's regime for almost three months now and I've lost a decent amount of weight. My tops are loose on me, my legs and arms are changing shape, I have almost no chest left (not that I care, coz really I prefer it that way), and my jeans are about to fall off me. If I sit down, they're so baggy at the back that...well let's just say I try to avoid sitting in open backed chairs and having people stand behind me.

So off I trundled yesterday to a store I thought would offer me at least a couple of options in the jeans and trousers department, this store being the only one in the past year that has had anything that's remotely looked like fitting me. I was confident. They had a big range displayed and I was being open minded about what I wanted. Heck, honestly, I woulda been happy with anything that fit.

I kid you not, I entered the change rooms 4 times, each time with 4 or 5 items and NOT ONE DAMN THING fit properly!! I really, really would like someone to explain to me how jeans in my size - the size that are TOO BIG for me now - will not even come up past my thighs. Better yet, I'd like to know how I can try on one style in a particular brand and it's too small, yet I try a SMALLER size in the same brand, different style, and it's too big. I just do not get it!

Meanwhile, I had a major rant to the dressing room attendant, because the clothes on all the racks did not match what their hanger size said.

Honestly, I tried - hard - to find something. I wanted, no, NEEDED to buy something. I've been wearing the same don't-fit-me-anymore pairs of jeans for the last few weeks and I'm going insane. Even the shirts that I tried on, 'my size' didn't fit. Maybe I should just pretend I'm Indian and start wearing saris. At least they appear to be 'one size fits all'.

So I went home sulking and slept for a while before heading off to C's place. He rang shortly before he finished work to see if I wanted to go to dinner. Yeah, I'm feeling fat, I hate myself, take me to a smorgasbord place so I can stuff myself stupid and feel even worse. Ok, so I didn't say that, but I was thinking it as I told him of my joyous mood. Then he suggested that perhaps it wasn't safe for him to be taking me out in public in that state. But we went, and had a good time, and I even stuck to Dr F-K's rules. I didn't even look at the dessert bar. I pretended it was like a mirage and it wasn't really there.

When we got home, we watched Wife Swap and realised we have really, really good lives. I was still bitching about not being able to find anything that fits me. He says, "you should try on my Jag jeans". Hhmmm, not sure I want to humiliate myself another time today, trying on something that's not gonna get past my thighs and will make me cry. "Ok."

Who knew? I'm a men's size 32! Actually, I did already know this. I used to wear my ex's jeans years ago and he was the same size. Mens' jeans are shaped different to womens', coz, well men and women are shaped differently. Appears I'm more of a guy shape. If it wasn't for my long hair and feminine face, the lack of chest and ability to comfortably wear mens' jeans might bother me somewhat more. Only problem? They make me look kinda like a cowboy. They have that guy style bowed-out leg shape. "Do they make me look like a cowboy?" "A little." In my head, that song starts playing. "I wanna be a cowboy, and you can be my cowgirl..." He says I can take them to Sydney if I want to.

Well, shit, nobody knows me up there anymore. Who cares if I look like a cowboy? At least I have something to wear.

Housekeeping - responding to comments

Just catching up and responding to some comments y'all have left in the last few days.

Solitude

Daffy - Yes, tis my personal hell too. I survived - just. Nice to see you dropping by again.

Why today is so good

JErm - I'm lurking occasionally on your blog. Thanks for dropping by.

Richard - Really, I'm a mild mannered type...honest...I promise! Hope you stick around.

EJ - Girlfriend I still freak out about it. I had almost convinced myself last night that the stupid fly had not left my ear. I truly need therapy!

Check 'em out while you can

Brent - thanks. Stay and join the fun.

Ian - Awww you made me blush!

RG - That's not even one of the better shots of A. He's one good looking kid!

Cracker - Yeah, we liked that one too, and the naked couple. Thanks for commenting.

Bonna - Nice to see you again. I really like driving that car - although it makes me forget how to drive my own sometimes, since everything is on the 'wrong' side.

A - Yeah the guy against the tree was awesome. He looked like he was always meant to be there.

No wonder I'm the way I am

Mandy - the coathanger came wrapped in handmade paper too. That's just the way my dad and step mum are. LOL

EJ - I'll take a pic of the coathanger as soon as I can. Ha!

Not so quiet weekend

Bernie - Thanks for dropping by. Not sure how you mean you'd support me, but thanks. LOL Oh and thanks for the compliment.

Solitude

I realised today I've been around people constantly lately and I've had no time just by myself. So I've left work for the day. It's only lunch time, but I don't care. I'm turning my phone off. C will probably worry if he tries to contact me, but he'll survive a couple of hours.

I'm going shopping for clothes. I hate shopping at the best of times, but I need to go, so I at least have something decent to wear to Sydney this weekend.

Ugh...wish me luck. No, wish the shop assistants luck!

Why today is so good

Because I survived yesterday. No, really!

Not sure why, but I was feeling pretty yuck in the stomach. I dropped by my place to pick up my laptop and try to finish (finally!) the first piece I was writing for Subter.com. I was also annoyed because, due to aforementioned upset stomach, I wasn't up to going to gym. C got home a bit after 7 with two bunches of flowers ("coz one wasn't big enough"). I think I need to clone him, so I can have one at work and at home.

Anyway, he asked if I was hungry or if I wanted to go walking. No, not hungry, but struggling to find the right ending to my writing, agreed to the walk. Are you sure? Yes, I'm ok to walk. So off we go.

No sooner had we crossed the street and gone past a few houses, there was a buzzing near my ear. Then in my ear. That's when I turned into a crazy person. You know the type; flapping arms about in public, cursing and looking as though they're arguing with the people inside their head. The ones you don't make eye contact with and make sure you keep on the other side of the street. That was me. I was dead set certain a fly had flown into my ear and didn't want to come out. Looking back now, I really should ask C what he meant when he looked in and said, "No, can't see anything in there". I didn't believe him anyway, and kept slapping my head and sticking my finger in my ear for the next 50 metres or so.

I'll tell you why. Years ago, I had a psycho housemate. Yes, he truly was. He moved in shortly before my birthday and had 2 dozen long stemmed red roses sent to my work and he'd ring me two or three times a day to see if I'd called him for any reason (and that's just the start of it). Anyway, we were at home one night and this massive Mo-Fo of a moth (similar to Ian's moth) flew into his ear and went right inside his head. I kid you not! What was worse was that we could clearly hear it buzzing in his head and eventually, hours later (and after me doing really well not to throw up at the thought of it), he went to the doctor to get it out.

So I was sure that the fly had taken up residence in my head and promptly flipped out like some crazed mad-woman, just up the road from C's house. After I explained to C why it was sooo necessary for him to make absolutely sure there was no winged creature living in my head, we laughed and kept walking. Well, he laughed and I was secretly wondering how long it would take a fly to decay and drop out of my ear in the shower. Seriously. Even now, I'm not entirely confident it's gone.

And on we walked. It wasn't my day. Really. Somehow, something flew into my eye and it stung like shit. It felt like it was still in my eye. Again, C had to check to see what alien life form had attacked his defenceless girlfriend this time. Hold your eyelid up. Ok, look up. Look down. I'm sure he was doing all that just to appease me. But dear lord, my eye was watering and it felt like someone stuck a pin through it.

Then there was a little fluffy toy dog thing that tried to eat me. Well, not really, but C put his arms around me to protect me anyway. The dog's owners just looked bewildered.

Next time we go walking, I'm gonna wear a full face helmet, ear muffs and boxing gloves, just for good measure. It's not safe out there, I tell ya!

Check 'em out while you can...

Ok, here are some photos of the sculptures C took when we went to Marysville on Sunday.

I've also put in the folder one pic of A, a pic of our house, and a close up of me just to scare you all. I'm gonna take these three pics out when I leave work today, so look now or you'll never know...

No wonder I'm the way I am

E: Happy birthday, Dad
Dad: Thanks, you just caught me and V (step mum) doing yoga.
E: Oh, ok, sorry.
Dad: It's ok. We look pretty silly. We're half naked.
E: Ok, that's too much information, you know.
Dad: Haha, well I have underwear on and V is wearing a bit more.
E: Really, don't tell me anymore. You're scaring me.
Dad: Yes, that's what A (my brother's girlfriend) said when she rang.
E: OMG...aaaaanyway, so what'd you score for your birthday?
Dad: Oh, it's very exciting. It's a flygun.
E: A what?
Dad: A flygun. It kills flies without squishing them. I've been using it all morning, but there aren't any more flies. I'm waiting for some now.
E: Hmmm, that's just bizarre, but at least you're having fun.
Dad: Oooh yes!
E: Oh, before I forget, I'm moving in with C at the end of Feb.
Dad: It's that serious?
E: Yeah, it's all good.
Dad: Is he going to marry you?
E: Next time you talk to him, you might have to ask him yourself.
Dad: Your sisters want to know if he has a brother.
E: Yeah, but he's married, with kids.
Dad: Happily?
E: Yes, happily.
Dad: So how old is C again?
E: He's 38.
Dad: Hmmm, that's a good age.
E: So, you get anything else for your birthday?
Dad: Just the flygun, but your sisters are here and we're going to lunch.

Gotta love it. He's so easily pleased. Apparently, he's sent my Christmas present to my brother. Nothing ever gets sent to me, coz nobody ever knows where I'm living. Dad tells me my present is 'quirky'. Coming from a guy who's rapt to get a flygun for his birthday and who gave me a knitted coathanger (yes, really!!) for my birthday, 'quirky' kinda scares me.

Officially cohabiting

It went kinda like this...

It's almost midnight, I'm watching him eat dinner...long story...)
C: So, do you think we should move in together?
E: thinking...well you're not moving anywhere, you live here. Um...I think if you don't take chances, you never know. How was that for avoiding the question? hehe
C: Well... waffles on about my job and other stuff for a bit ...I think you should move in.

I think I'd mentioned on here that I brought up the subject one night last week and he'd asked me to remind him to talk to me about it. I didn't. On purpose. I didn't want to pressure him in any way.

He said he'd been thinking about it for a number of weeks. I think we've both had a whole multitude of reservations. His ranging from the effect on A to the slight burning he got the last time he cohabited. Mine range from losing independence to...well just plain ole fear.

There are a lot of things we haven't talked about yet, like my monetary contribution, how much of my furniture I bring with me (or rather, don't), what we'll do about bills, et al. I know we'll talk about them soon. For now, I'm still getting my head around the fact that I can finally put things in drawers and not live out of a backpack anymore. I need to do this slowly.

A weight really has been lifted from my shoulders, though. I've been feeling really displaced not knowing if I should keep my place, look for a new place, or if we'd decide that I'd move in with him. And I get quiet and introspective (see: stop talking and start thinking) when I'm feeling out of control. He's been pretty patient with me, the last couple of weeks.

It all feels good and right, though. It doesn't feel as rushed as one would expect, being that we've known each other less than three months. Does that time frame bother me at all? Hmm...I was going to say "slightly", but it doesn't really. Probably bothers other people more. I don't care. If it felt in any way wrong, or rushed, or that something wasn't right to either one of us, we'd say it.

It's not like we've been seeing each other only one or two days a week, like one would normally presume with a new relationship. Still, I can't believe I'm actually moving in with a guy again. It's been two and a half years since I moved out from my ex and here I am, about to do it all again.

The thing I find really amusing is that my ex works for one of the major telcos here and C works for their main opposition. Trust the geeky chick to find boyfriends in the same industry, albeit doing different geeky jobs.

Aaaah.....here's to a new year and a new life huh? I gots me some packin' to do!

Not so quiet weekend

I really was expecting to just chill out over the weekend and relax at home for a change. We were going to meet friends for lunch on Saturday, go home, watch dvds and do some work in the garden on Sunday.

After a pretty late night Friday, I had to get up early to go see Dr Fun-Killer and didn't so much get lost on the way as much as I sorta took the scenic route, and still managed to only be two minutes late. I've never been to where he is from C's place before, so it was a bit of an experiment.

I rushed home and got there exactly when I said I would (since I'd worked out how to get home without taking a tour on the way), then, after changing my clothes three times (no, not a chick thing - nothing fits me right anymore, so things are starting to look funny on me), we hightailed it into the city to meet some friends for lunch.

But, C, bless his little cotton socks, got the days mixed up. He'd invited friends of his to have lunch with us and meet another friend of his they hadn't seen in a while. Somehow, C got it into his head that the friend had told him Saturday, but I'd remembered he'd said the 9th. Figuring C and his friend had had a couple of conversations about meeting, I assumed they'd worked out they were talking about different days. Um...no. So, we waited and had lunch with the first couple, C rang his friend after he hadn't turned up after an hour or so and he's like, "No, I'll be there Sunday".

That meant we had an afternoon to kill. C needs to buy a rug for his lounge room, so we decided to walk to a big warehouse rug sale that was on. We walked from Federation Square to the Melbourne Exhibition Centre. Do not try this in anything other than comfy walking shoes! Particularly, don't try it in a pair of Harley Davidson dress boots with chunky three inch heels. It's a good couple of kilometres, I think.

While we were there, we found a sale on cds, books and other 'stuff'. There were thousands of cds on long tressel tables. Of course, they were in no particular order, so we had to walk up and down for aaages. I found a couple I liked and eventually settled on a 3 Doors Down cd that was half price. I was over it all by then, being that I hate shopping at the best of times, but C, in his comfy shoes, was still searching, so I checked out the books. They had some great stuff there. I picked a book that I can't remember the name of. I started reading a bit on Saturday night. It's a bit of a difficult read in the way that it's written, but it's interesting, so I'll see if I can struggle through it.

I'd been to gym on Friday afternoon, so by the time we finished walking up and down aisles looking for cds and books, I was about ready to rip my legs off. Not to mention, I was carrying all my crap and some of C's in my handbag and it was so heavy, I had big red marks on my shoulders. But we hadn't finished.

Next stop was the rug sale - finally. But, spare me! They had bedding, clothes and shoes as well! He needs bedding. I need clothes. I started looking around for a wheelchair. There was no bedding we liked, but then again, I wasn't in the mood to like anything at that stage. I did find two tops for the huge price of $14 altogether (hey, it was a warehouse sale!) and I was marginally happier.

I think we looked at every damn rug under the sun. If we had had measurements with us, it may have been more productive..... Anyway... By that time, I was literally dragging my handbag on the ground and asked if we could please go home now, so I could die peacefully. We stopped walking half way back to the car in an effort for me to regain some feeling in my feet and legs.

ALMOST FIVE HOURS! That's how long we walked around for! Neither of us could believe it.

We got home and just read on the couch for a while. Well, he read and I fell asleep.

Sunday morning, we thought we were going back into the city to see the friend we originally set out to see, so we got up early again. We didn't get a phone call, so we went for a drive to Marysville instead. I've searched for about 20 minutes to find a website, or even an example of the artwork that we saw. We went to a place called Bruno's Art and Sculpture Gallery. His stuff is amazing. C took a whole lot of photos, so I'll get him to email me some, so I can upload them some time. This guy has a regular gallery of art and sculptures. Some fantastic stuff. It's funny. We were impressed with it, but we weren't blown away like we'd been expecting to. The place had been recommended to us to visit, and although it was great, we wondered what was so amazing. Till we went outside.

At the back of the gallery was the most amazing rainforest garden and he'd made lifesized statues and sculptures and placed them all around the place. Some, he'd worked into trees and logs that were already there, like putting human features into a tree or rock. Some of it was quite Tolkein. Others were Indian, middle eastern, fairies, animals and all sorts of things. Everywhere we looked, there was something amazing to see. If you scroll right to the bottom of this page, you can see one of his pieces.

After stopping off to check in on my cats, it was almost 8pm by the time we got home.

I'm tired. I almost didn't come to work today. It was a good weekend, but sheesh, I'm still waiting for a day of rest that's not going to happen any time soon. Sydney next weekend with the girls, then we're going away the weekend after as well.

At least I know where I'll be living at the end of next month. More on that soon...

I'm moving in....end of Feb!

Holy moley! Um...can't talk right now, but yeah, it's all confirmed.

Gotta go....more later!

No, no, not that one, dammit!

The brain is an interesting piece of equipment. Personally, I don't know what I'd do without mine. But sometimes, I forget to take it places with me, or when I do, it just doesn't seem to want to remember pertinent things.

I ducked down the road to get something for lunch. Being that I swayed slightly over Christmas from Dr Fun Killer's diet (I had to have plum pudding...three days in a row!), I thought I ought to stay right on track in future.

For ease, convenience and, let's face it, pure laziness, I've been purchasing pre-made salads for lunch and dinner. They're great. They have all the ingredients packed separately and all you have to do is mix them together when you're ready to eat. Simple.

There is one in particular that C and I buy all the time. We probably have it maybe three times a week. It's Asian Baby Leaf Salad and it's nice - down to the dressing. C bought the Crunchy Asian Salad one day because the regular one was not in stock. We didn't like it much, because, as we discovered, it was made from cabbage, not lettuce. We don't like cabbage with our steak. Anyway, mental note that it was not completely horrible, but not for dinner purposes.

Fast forward to this week and I go to the local supermarket near work, "looking for inspiration", as C says. They don't stock my Asian Baby Leaf Salad, so I went for Baby Spinach Salad instead. It has bacon pieces, spinach and sun dried tomatoes. Fine, except for the dressing, which is a lemon dressing and, really, it's a bit icky.

Lord knows I left my brain at my desk when I went down there today. Do I dislike the cabbage one or the lemon one? Cabbage? Lemon? Um....? Must be cabbage. No. Silly blonde that I am, didn't remember that it's the lemon dressing I disliked most of all. Even sillier, watching myself open the packet of dressing and pouring it all over the damn salad, all the while thinking, "I really don't like this dressing".

Now I'm sitting here eating lemon flavoured spinach, bacon and tomato. It's just wrong!

Nothing

I mentioned C's been on night shift this week, so I've been staying at my place. He's come over the last few nights and we've had dinner together. Funny, there's a fine line between being pissed off that he has to literally eat and run each night and realising that he is not going because he wants to, but because he has to. I've learnt to just get over myself.

I was feeling a bit narky last night because he didn't call me from work like he usually does. Yeah, I'm a spoilt brat. Anyway, he called me at 2.45am to see if I wanted him to come over, coz he'd finished work way earlier than he expected to. Seriously, he's gotta ask?? So I got up, put the dishes in the sink, tidied up my clothes and made the bed before he got there. Ha, I can live like such a bum when I am by myself!

He asked what I want to do tonight (Friday night). I said, "nothing". If anything, I'll be happy to watch a dvd and go to sleep early, or something. We've done so much the last couple of weeks. I just want to stop for a bit. Really, I'd like to do nothing all weekend. But I have a 9am appointment with Dr Fun Killer and then we're meeting a friend in the city to have lunch and go see the Munch exhibition with him. I have a feeling C might have organised dinner with someone on Saturday night as well. I can't remember.

At this stage, Sunday is free, and I'd like to keep it that way. I think we're going to start working on landscaping his backyard. Maybe he can do that and I'll just supervise and take him cold drinks every half hour. Ha!

The night before last, I sent him an email while he was at work to apologise for being moody lately. He sent me back this:

You may feel moody on the inside, but you're just a little quieter on the outside. You don't get to call yourself moody until you start hurling things in my general direction.

I'll miss you this morning.

I've got a good guy. :-)

Please say it isn't true!

Ok, so I've been surfing BE all morning and have managed to rate and bookmark a couple of blogs that sparked my interest.

What prompted this post though, just scared me. I'm not going to link back to it, because, well people just shouldn't be subjected to this kind of thing.

I came across a beanie baby blog. I was fearful as I waited for the page to load. What would I see? Would I be made to read pretty pink type on a background of multi-coloured jellybeans? I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw it was just a regular white background and the posts were standard text.

I ventured to read the first post. It had a link to some photos. I thought, "well maybe I should broaden my horizons, open my mind some and discover what the appeal of beanie babies truly is". What I got was unexpected. Christmas pictures. Family pictures. The children decorating the Christmas tree.

Scary? Normally one would say, no. These kids were both under ten, he maybe 5 or 6, she probably a year or two older.

BUT THEY HAD MULLETS!!! I swear, the kids looked destined for a spot on Jerry Springer!

Three photos was enough for me. I couldn't take anymore.

Honestly, what are the parents thinking? Why do people still do this to their offspring?

Maybe they live here.
(No offense to anyone living in Missouri. This is just one funny-arse site.)

Mmm, what's cookin'?

If a woman's place is in the kitchen, how come the majority of chefs and cooks are men?

Just askin'.

Vulnerable

R was mentioning different relationship types on her blog and it got me thinking. I received this email on Christmas day. And so now I venture out of my comfort zone...

A couple of months ago, I'd sent him this:

The reason I say I owe you a lot, is because I think I do. I wasn't in the best place emotionally when we first met and I wasn't really happy with who I was, for various reasons. But you've always been honest with me, told me to get real when I needed to hear it, listened to all my trials and tribulations and laughed with me too. I've never told you before, but you've given me more confidence in myself and my abilities than anyone else ever has, and it's a lot to do with you that I'm as secure with myself as I am now.

You've told me that I was beautiful often enough that I've started to believe it (although I don't see what you see). I know when you say you love me that it's not conditional upon anything and I know why you say it and what you mean when you say it. Knowing you has somehow made me mentally stronger. I'm not sure how to really explain that, but I guess if you consider the nature of our relationship, it's made me grow up in a lot of ways I never had to before (and certainly taken some things out of the fantasy realm and into reality lol).

You mean more to me than the cam sessions or photos and I love you enough and in a way that I'm comfortable and happy with things as they are, and I don't ever want that to change.

So, I suppose it's just that, particularly now, I just wanted to thank you and tell you how much you mean to me - how important you are to me. When we haven't caught up for a while, it physically hurts me, and that's not something I feel with very many people.

Just thought it was about time I told you all that. (And then I went on to talk to him about C , who I'd just met and was all excited about.)

He replied with this.

The thing is, I could never have a relationship with this person. I've never wanted to. We're so completely different, and cliche as it sounds, he's not my type at all. If we'd have met in a bar, I would have thought him to be an arrogant jerk and wouldn't have given him the time of day. How unfortunate that would have been! Somehow, in some strange way, we connect. We're completely opposite, but we're the same.

The connection is both painful and a comfort. Like we're on different sides of a glass wall. We can see each other, we can talk, we can share, but we can never touch. But the pain of it is good. Maybe the pain makes it more meaningful. We've talked about the evolution of the emotional aspect of things and how that has changed, and will change, over time. It started off shallow, I guess as all things on the internet do.

Sometimes, you just trust. You don't know why. You just know you can. Even if you've never met. We trusted. And it allowed us to be ourselves - our real selves that we hadn't shown anyone else. Well, he had, but I'm not going to bring the 3rd party into this, because none of this is to do with her and none of it detracts from what they have. Neither of us would ever allow that to happen.

Pretty soon, it became about fantasy, control, trust and respect. And not in the ways one may imagine. The control's always been mine. The power's always been mine. The vulnerability has always been his - in many, many ways. The roles were the complete reverse of R's relationship and the deeds much more 'intense' (because I can't think of an appropriate word), albeit, for the most part, cyber. Hard even for me to believe sometimes.

I don't know where trust and respect become love, or if they're all just part of the same thing and you can't really have one without the other. But it turned to love. No, not the romantic, relationship type love. It'll never be like that. But a love that comes when you allow yourself to be unconditionally open in your thoughts, feelings and emotions and realising that the other person will never hurt or betray that. An opportunity for us to really screw things up and muddy the waters presented itself when I was last in the US. The fact that we didn't and that we acknowledged we'd never let that happen, lifted a weight and made us better friends.

It's completely different to relationship love. No, it doesn't have to be separate from it, but relationship love doesn't require it to be lasting and meaningful in its own right. Not this type anyway. At least, I don't think so. Maybe it makes more sense in my mind than I can articulate. This friendship has never really been one I've been able to explain in a logical manner anyway, so it may be it's just a confusion to anyone else.

These days, it's become a solid friendship and the feelings are still evolving. It's like old friends who've known each other for years, who know each other's skeletons, and who care about each other in spite of who we are and because of who we are. I guess it's co-dependent in a lot of ways. I wouldn't change it though. He'll be the happiest for me if the day ever comes that I can tell him I'm getting married. (And oh how strange it feels to mention myself and marriage in the same sentence!) I'll be the happiest for him the day he's able to go home and be with the person he's truly in love with.

I know a lot of people have raised eyebrows, or made me feel guilty about my friendship with this person. That's fine. I battled for a long time about my own comfort level, but I'm comfortable now with the choices I've made. I don't regret a moment of this friendship.

And just as it doesn't detract from what this person has with someone else, nor does any of it detract from what I have and feel for C. It's completely separate. Almost like the feelings one has for their first love. Nothing is ever quite the same, but it doesn't stop you loving, loving more, loving someone else unconditionally. It's simply different.

To sleep is an act of faith

Apparently that's a quote from Barbara G Harrison.

Oh the faith I must have! Or you'd think so, being narcoleptic. Anyway, I'm excited about tonight's sleep, because I just realised I can stay in bed - my own bed! - for up to an extra 90 minutes tomorrow morning!

I've driven to work for so long from C's place that I'd forgotten I used to sleep in longer. It feels strange being 'home'.

He came over this afternoon and cooked us both dinner after we walked to the local electronics store to look at 'stuff'. Yeah, I never denied we're geeks! I wasn't prepared to talk to him about my spin out yesterday, but I am feeling better than I was. I still think I need to find out exactly what my problem is, and talk to him about it, but I'll do it when we have some quiet time on the weekend.

In the meantime, I get to sleep in for the next two days! Woohooo!

I got to level 3

Try this.... (you need sound)

Thanks, Brad... I think.

Oh, and the other dream

I had two dreams last night. (Actually, I generally have a few dreams each night and I dream in colour. There's something for those of you who care about that kinda stuff.)

Anyway, the second dream was that I had set the alarms (the 'I need to get up now' and the 'I really need to get up now' times), but somehow during the night, or at some stage, all the clocks in the house were set to different times. None were the same and I didn't know how to find out what the correct time was and I wasn't sure if I'd get up on time, or if the alarms would go off. I decided the only way to find out would be to ring C at work and get him to tell me the time.

I woke up about every half hour or so after that, 'cause I was sure I'd sleep through the alarm. :-/

Having said all that...check this out...

Clock

To see a clock in your dream, signifies the importance of time or that time is running out. You may be feeling some anxiety of not being on top of things. Your mind may be preoccupied with a deadline that you have to meet or some other time-sensitive issue. It is time for you to tread on and speed up your actions. Alternatively, clocks are representative of death, especially if the clock has stopped. This is a common theme for the terminally ill or the dying.

.........A clock seen in your dream may also symbolize the ticking of the human heart and thus is indicative of the emotional side of your life.

Alarm

To hear or pull an alarm in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing a conflict in a relationship or situation. You may be questioning the decisions you have made.

Bad bad bad

About a week ago, I was pretty frustrated with things - lack of money, not knowing if I have to move out of my place or not, being guilt tripped by my mum, the whole vet thing with my cat, among other things.

I spent some time in the bedroom, just reading and sleeping, while C and A made Meccano toys. Eventually, I made my way out and C asked me if I was bored. I said, "No, I feel fat and ugly", to which he replied, "I think I would have preferred you being bored", and gave me a hug.

I got over it after about a day. Till yesterday.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because we haven't had much more than half a day together by ourselves in the last couple of weeks and I feel like we haven't had a decent conversation in all that time. I know it's because we've had A with us all that time, and we were staying at his sister's place, but I'm just so not used to having that number of people around all the time.

He's on night shift this week. Because it's a short week, he's doing 8pm to 6am to make up hours. When you factor in that I can't get from work to his place till 6pm and I leave at 7am in the morning, we're still not getting quality time.

Something snapped in me last night. I think it's been a couple of days coming, because I've felt myself starting to get moody (and I know part of it is because it's almost that time) and I've been forcing myself to talk and smile. It's nothing C's done directly. It's just things going on that I need to deal with that I can't seem to get resolved.

I was going to stay home (at my place) last night, but I didn't get organised enough before work, so I didn't have all my things packed and ended up staying at C's place.

After he left for work, I had an overwhelming need to just pack up all my stuff and go home. I didn't want to be in his house. But I didn't want to be in mine either. And I didn't want to feel like I was running away. So I stayed.

I did pack up all my things. I needed to because, after going to gym and getting organised after work today, there's no point to go to C's place, because he'd have left for work by the time I get there.

The thing that scared me was that it felt so easy for me to pack all my things back up and make it look like I was never there and was never coming back. I could walk away so easily.

I know, in reality, I couldn't. But the fact that I could pack up all my things so unemotionally and feel like I could slip back into my lifestyle prior to C...well I hate to think it'd be so simple to do.

I don't know what it is that I need that I'm obviously not getting right at this moment, but it bothers me no end to think that because of that, I could walk away from everything that I do have.

I'll probably end up staying at my place for the rest of the week - for practical reasons, moreso than anything else. C will come over for dinner each night, like he did last time. As much as I no longer like the environment, I think I need to be in my own space for a while.

I can feel myself pulling away and needing to retreat to my cave (yeah, girls have 'em too) till I can figure out what's really bothering me, but I don't want to do that. I just don't know how else to snap out of this stupid, stupid mood.

(Oh, and whether it's related or not, I had a strange dream last night that I had to greet some royal people who were in gondola type boats - but wider - and I had to take a note or piece of paper from the princesses or female people in the boats. I was wearing some sort of gown, but I had flat shoes on, I was on a slope, but it was paved, not grassed, and it was slippery. I had to slid down to the edge of each boat to greet the royals. The boats were all going upstream. I checked a dream interpretation site for a rough guide....)

Dream symbol: royal

Interpretation:
Special treatment
Aspiring to fame, greatness or grandness
The highest within you
Seeking acknowledgement, attention or approval
A feeling of inferiority or superiority

Related symbols: castle, king, prince, princess, queen

You got kids? I got a question...

This one's a little different from my usual posts, but it's something I'm curious about and am not sure how to handle.

A is six years old, but he still wets himself. (Yeah, told ya it was different.) C and H have not worked out yet if it's physiological or pyschological, but nor does it appear they've consulted a doctor about it. I don't think it's my place to interfere, but I'm wondering if it's something he'll grow out of, or if that all depends on whether or not it really is physiological or pyschological.

It seems most of the time he simply forgets to go to the toilet and needs to be reminded - before bed, before we drive anywhere, after he has something to drink, while he's watching tv. It's like he gets so involved in what he's doing that he simply doesn't realise and the next thing you know, someone's asking him to change his jeans.

It doesn't seem to bother him (A). I know that C and H are concerned about it, but I think it's something that they need to work on solving together. It feels almost like there's a level of acceptance or resignation that they can't do much about it, and I don't necessarily think that's entirely the case. I think A needs to be made to also understand that some of the responsibility is his as well.

I dunno....it's just something that's been on my mind. Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

To move, or not to move...or when

So the debate/discussion/issue/question to move in with C or not, continues.

Although I acknowledged that the timing and place was bad (midnight last night, in bed), it's been on my mind, and was one of a number of frustrations that have been bothering me in the last week, so I brought it up. C asked for one example of what was on my mind. I gave him a list. Anyway...

I've given up thinking about getting another place when my lease expires at the end of February. I've looked around, and even as far out as the no-man's land where C lives, finding something comparable to what I have now, will cost me about the same as my current place. Take into consideration having to find the bond money, moving costs, connection fees for utilities et al, and it all adds up to wasted money. I may as well stay where I'm at.

There's a problem though. That'll be if the landlord/estate agent wants me to sign a new lease. I'm not prepared to be locked into a minimum six month lease and waste $1,100 each month for that amount of time. I've told C I'd be happy to keep the place on, on a month to month basis for another one or two months to buy us both a little more time and so that neither of us feel we're rushing into me moving in with him purely because I have to.

C asked me to ask him his thoughts in a couple of days. I'm fine with that. I didn't expect a response last night anyway. He asked what was on my mind. I told him. I'll bring it up again on Friday. He's on night shift this week, so we won't get to see a lot of each other and it'll give us some decent thinking time.

I can't quite put my finger on what exactly bothers me about moving in. Nothing really, I guess. Maybe I'm more fearful of being fully committed than I think I am. Maybe it's just fear of the unknown.

I know what his issues are. They're to do with A and the impression he has of C and of what a relationship should look like, being that I'll be the third girl to live with C, including A's mother, and him not being married to any of us, and the example that sets for A. I understand that. It's the reason why I had reservations about meeting A so early on in the relationship in the first place.

A has asked me a couple of times if I lived with C. I asked him if that'd be ok and if he'd like that. He said yes. But I did make a point, when they both met me at my place one day, to point out that "this is where I live".

E, the ex girlfriend, only moved out a short time before I met C. His concern is that I'll officially move in (I've really been there for all intents and purposes since November), and it'll all go pear shaped like it did with her. He's also worried about me having to travel so far to my job (which is anywhere up to 90 minutes away, depending on traffic). Again, I understand the concerns. I've told him it was never my intention to stay in my job, with or without him, for much longer, so that doesn't even factor into the equation as far as I'm concerned. And I'm not E. Well, I am E, but not the other E. Well, you know what I mean!

It's all getting to me, though. I'm feeling displaced. I've been living out of a backpack for weeks. He told me I could use some drawer space and he's hung some of my clothes, but I don't feel comfortable doing those things, because I feel as though they're 'space claiming' in some way and we've not concluded yet that we'll be officially sharing space. Could be just irrational thinking on my part, but I just can't bring myself to put things in drawers and cupboards till I know they're gonna stay there.

I have to give notice to move out or to extend in the next couple of weeks. Really, I'd just like to hide under a rock and come out and have it all over and done with and be settled somewhere. I'm getting worn out not knowing where I'm gonna be living in a few weeks and not being able to organise anything.

Apart from the moving issue, things are pretty ideal really. Considering the place I was in this time last year, it's amazing. I'm just wondering if we're making the whole moving thing more of an issue than it really is?

Brad, I got it!

Finally!

Unlike my home address, things sent to my work address actually get to me - eventually!

I'll consider taking a photo and posting it.

Wassup?

There is no way in the world I'm ever gonna be able to catch up on everyone's blogs any time soon!

So, whatcha been up to the last couple of weeks? How was your Christmas/New Year? Gimme an abridged version?

..oh and cnfg, can I just say, "Girly squeal!!".

More soon.... :-)

Still kickin'

Hey there!

Yep, I'm still alive!

Just a quickie to say hi and hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve. Ours was a kiddie version, but it was good. I'll update all the latest on Tuesday.

Hugs to all!

E :-)

Oh and Brad...I'll have some content for you very soon! It's been a good week for inspiration!