Vulnerable

R was mentioning different relationship types on her blog and it got me thinking. I received this email on Christmas day. And so now I venture out of my comfort zone...

A couple of months ago, I'd sent him this:

The reason I say I owe you a lot, is because I think I do. I wasn't in the best place emotionally when we first met and I wasn't really happy with who I was, for various reasons. But you've always been honest with me, told me to get real when I needed to hear it, listened to all my trials and tribulations and laughed with me too. I've never told you before, but you've given me more confidence in myself and my abilities than anyone else ever has, and it's a lot to do with you that I'm as secure with myself as I am now.

You've told me that I was beautiful often enough that I've started to believe it (although I don't see what you see). I know when you say you love me that it's not conditional upon anything and I know why you say it and what you mean when you say it. Knowing you has somehow made me mentally stronger. I'm not sure how to really explain that, but I guess if you consider the nature of our relationship, it's made me grow up in a lot of ways I never had to before (and certainly taken some things out of the fantasy realm and into reality lol).

You mean more to me than the cam sessions or photos and I love you enough and in a way that I'm comfortable and happy with things as they are, and I don't ever want that to change.

So, I suppose it's just that, particularly now, I just wanted to thank you and tell you how much you mean to me - how important you are to me. When we haven't caught up for a while, it physically hurts me, and that's not something I feel with very many people.

Just thought it was about time I told you all that. (And then I went on to talk to him about C , who I'd just met and was all excited about.)

He replied with this.

The thing is, I could never have a relationship with this person. I've never wanted to. We're so completely different, and cliche as it sounds, he's not my type at all. If we'd have met in a bar, I would have thought him to be an arrogant jerk and wouldn't have given him the time of day. How unfortunate that would have been! Somehow, in some strange way, we connect. We're completely opposite, but we're the same.

The connection is both painful and a comfort. Like we're on different sides of a glass wall. We can see each other, we can talk, we can share, but we can never touch. But the pain of it is good. Maybe the pain makes it more meaningful. We've talked about the evolution of the emotional aspect of things and how that has changed, and will change, over time. It started off shallow, I guess as all things on the internet do.

Sometimes, you just trust. You don't know why. You just know you can. Even if you've never met. We trusted. And it allowed us to be ourselves - our real selves that we hadn't shown anyone else. Well, he had, but I'm not going to bring the 3rd party into this, because none of this is to do with her and none of it detracts from what they have. Neither of us would ever allow that to happen.

Pretty soon, it became about fantasy, control, trust and respect. And not in the ways one may imagine. The control's always been mine. The power's always been mine. The vulnerability has always been his - in many, many ways. The roles were the complete reverse of R's relationship and the deeds much more 'intense' (because I can't think of an appropriate word), albeit, for the most part, cyber. Hard even for me to believe sometimes.

I don't know where trust and respect become love, or if they're all just part of the same thing and you can't really have one without the other. But it turned to love. No, not the romantic, relationship type love. It'll never be like that. But a love that comes when you allow yourself to be unconditionally open in your thoughts, feelings and emotions and realising that the other person will never hurt or betray that. An opportunity for us to really screw things up and muddy the waters presented itself when I was last in the US. The fact that we didn't and that we acknowledged we'd never let that happen, lifted a weight and made us better friends.

It's completely different to relationship love. No, it doesn't have to be separate from it, but relationship love doesn't require it to be lasting and meaningful in its own right. Not this type anyway. At least, I don't think so. Maybe it makes more sense in my mind than I can articulate. This friendship has never really been one I've been able to explain in a logical manner anyway, so it may be it's just a confusion to anyone else.

These days, it's become a solid friendship and the feelings are still evolving. It's like old friends who've known each other for years, who know each other's skeletons, and who care about each other in spite of who we are and because of who we are. I guess it's co-dependent in a lot of ways. I wouldn't change it though. He'll be the happiest for me if the day ever comes that I can tell him I'm getting married. (And oh how strange it feels to mention myself and marriage in the same sentence!) I'll be the happiest for him the day he's able to go home and be with the person he's truly in love with.

I know a lot of people have raised eyebrows, or made me feel guilty about my friendship with this person. That's fine. I battled for a long time about my own comfort level, but I'm comfortable now with the choices I've made. I don't regret a moment of this friendship.

And just as it doesn't detract from what this person has with someone else, nor does any of it detract from what I have and feel for C. It's completely separate. Almost like the feelings one has for their first love. Nothing is ever quite the same, but it doesn't stop you loving, loving more, loving someone else unconditionally. It's simply different.