Friday, September 30, 2005

Conscience

Ah, so much to tell on my small space on the net....so unsure whether or not to tell it.

Meantime.....when you're feeling slightly depressed and your head aches and you just want chocolate and a Di3t C0ke, is it so wrong to take the chocolate bar from the temp guy's desk and share it with your fearless offsider? Take into account that temp guy is not in today and we were thoughtful enough to leave the second bar still on his desk. I needed that chocolate more than the temp guy did. Especially today.
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Oh, and I have a 'date' tonight and I'm freaking out!

2 Comments:

Blogger Anonymous G said...

WHAT??? Speak UP, woman!

;-)

(just have fun. don't worry...)

xoxo

3:25 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness!! Have a wonderful time :)

6:54 am  

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Thursday, September 29, 2005

Then and Now

Couldn't say it better than An@stacia.

Then......Rearview

I use to tell myself that you would wait
I borrowed time for two and I twisted fate
I left us floating in the air for wind to hold on to
It let me down it let you go

I drive around like everything's okay
And I feel the lightening in our own mistakes
And I was gonna tell you
I wish all our wrongs could be right
I'm too late
I looked in my rearview
And now I don't see you

Sometimes the things you want are hard to take
Sometimes the ones you love are risks you don't make, yeah
The dust has settled into nothingness
And I yearn for yesterday
Just look around
I'm still the same

I drive around like everything's okay
Like everything's okay
And I feel the lightening in our own mistakes
And I was gonna tell you
I wish all our wrongs could be right
I'm too late
I looked in my rearview
And now I don't see you

So many things that we didn't say
So many reasons the world's not the same
Oh, it's not the same

I drive around like nothing's here has changed
But I know the sky has one more cloud to break
And I was gonna tell you
I wish all our wrongs could be right
I'm too late
I looked in my rearview
And now I don't see you

I said I
I drive and everything has changed
Ohh..
And I feel the lightening it's in my own mistakes
And I was gonna tell you
I wish all our wrongs could be right
I'm too late
I looked in my rearview
And now I don't see you

I used to tell myself
That you
Would wait

Now.......Sexy Single

All my life I've tried to find
A love to give me piece of mind
And I, I looked into your eyes
Captivated by your wicked smile
I was mesmerized there
For a while or two
But what's a girl gonna do?

Oh I lay in my bed
With your stupid face in my head
Just another piece in my life
Now I'm a sexy single
Sexy single that's OK
I'm living on my own
And I'm feeling the way I do
Like a sexy single
Sexy single

Birds of a feather
We flock together
Like leaves on a tree
We were meant to be in love
I guess it was just a dream

Oh I lay in my bed
With your stupid face in my head
Just another piece in my life
Sexy single
Sexy single that's OK
I'm living on my own in my special way
Like a sexy single
Sexy single
I'm sexy single
Sexy single
Sexy single

I said I'm living on my own
And feeling the way I do
When I'm not with you

I said I'm sexy single
That's OK
Living on my own
And feeling the way I do
I said when I'm not with you

Sexy single that's OK
I'm living on my own in my special way
Like a sexy single
Sexy single

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Random afternoon thought

People on dating sites should meet up with the very first person they make contact with. This way, both of them could take a photo of each other. Then they can put a picture on their profile that isn't at an odd angle, with their head cocked to one side, because they've had to take a dorky photo of themselves.

1 Comments:

Blogger grrltraveler said...

That's a good idea. I always found that the guy's always put photos of them 'doing' something (from far away, like skiiing or hiking) when girls want to see them close up. And girls always put their photos close up, when guys really want to see how hot their bodies are! just my two cents. and probably not even worth that! lol

a

1:54 pm  

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Curious

Still too nervous to venture out to the front of the house for too long, but is nosy enough to snoop over the fence.

1 Comments:

Blogger monica said...

Awwww! That's priceless. :)

10:59 am  

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Monday, September 26, 2005

Dream a little dream of....

Rain and earthquakes!

If you've been reading a while, you'll know I have sleep problems and I dream way too much. The other night, I had a couple of dreams, which seemed unrelated, but a bit of research makes things clearer.

I can't explain all of both dreams, but the main things were that I was in a shower in a house with all the doors and windows open, it was clean and new....and it was raining inside the house. In another dream that night, I was with some other people and there were cracks in the ground like there'd been an earthquake. We went into a house that was at the top of a bit of a rise, and there were huge cracks in the floorboards, and there'd been an earthquake inside the house.

Here's some interpretations on the main aspects. Your thoughts??

Shower
To dream that you are taking a shower in clear, fresh water, denotes spiritual or physical renewal or the need to wash a burden out of your life. It is also symbolic of forgiveness. .... Alternatively, your dream may indicate that you are unwilling to let your guard down. You are still keeping up a protective barrier between you and others.

Rain
To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal. To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace. To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love. To hear the tapping of the rain on the roof, denotes spiritual ideas and blessings coming to mind. It may also suggests that you will receive much joy from your home life.

House
To see a house in your dream, represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. In general, the attic represents your intellect, the basement represents the unconscious, etc. If the house is empty, then it indicates feelings of insecurity. If the house is shifting, then it suggests that you are going through some personal changes and changing your belief system.

To see an old, run-down house in your dream, represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings. Alternatively, the old house may symbolize your need to update you mode of thinking. To see a new house in your dream, indicates that you are entering into a new phase or new area in your life. To dream that your house is broken into, suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some unconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied.

Earthquake
To dream of an earthquake, suggests that you are experiencing a major "shake-up" that is threatening your stability and foundation. The dream highlights your insecurity, fears and sense of helplessness. If you find cover from the quake, you will overcome these challenges. If you become trapped or injured during the quake, you will suffer loss of your business and assets.

3 Comments:

Blogger RisibleGirl said...

Yup, the first thing I thought of without referring to your research was that the house in your dream meant your life and soul and the shower meant that you're cleaning and renewing.

The earthquake was a little harder for me to visualize, but I thought about being careful of your footing where you go so you don't fall in. In other words, you're on shaky ground, so step carefully so you don't get lost.

12:33 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fertility, huh? Better watch what water you're drinking ;)

I think dream interpretation is absolutely fascinating and I love your posts where you analyze them. Keep your chin up grasshopper, I'm thinking of ya!

6:42 am  
Blogger monica said...

It's always so interesting to see how much detail you recall. But the other interesting thing is how our subconcious really does play into how we see things.

As far as dreams go, I get a lot of deja vu, but can't remember most of my dreams when I wake up.

2:23 pm  

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Saturday, September 24, 2005

Family - part 5

(I think it's part 5. I'll have to check later on.)

I spoke to my dad tonight. I've been finding it increasingly easy to talk to him about things I never thought I could talk to anyone in my family about. He's never judgemental. He just listens, gives advice when he thinks he can, or tells me he doesn't have a clue when....well, when he doesn't have a clue.

Tonight was interesting. I told him that I'd been going to ACoA meetings each week. He was surprised at first - I doubt he ever expected me to need something like that - but then he revealed some really interesting things.

There are many, many things I've shut out from my past. A lot of my childhood, I just do not remember. As we talked, he told me a number of things that surprised me, but also made some things make more sense.

One distinct memory he has that I don't, is my sister calling him one day to come over when my mum's boyfriend had gotten drunk. He got to our house to find the stupid jerk off his face, with the lawn mower going in the lounge room on the carpet!! My mum, my sister (one of them), my brother and I were there as well. This is the shit that went on! This is the shit that I've blocked out. Who the hell can grow up normal when they have some bastard who pulls stunts like that, living with them?

Dad questioned why I'd started going to ACoA now and how I'd been affected. I said it's because I'm too serious. I can't relax and I don't allow myself to have fun. Mostly, I don't know how to have fun. Growing up was not fun. It's not something I was taught. Yeah, I can be funny, but having fun is sometimes difficult. (I'm part way through a post specifically about this, so no doubt it'll appear on here some time soon.)

My poor dad blamed himself for this. He said it was his fault I was too serious. He said my grandfather's parents were dysfunctional (his father ended up in a mental asylum and his mother couldn't cope), so my grandfather was essentially raised by two aunts who were good to him, but it was not a happy environment. Then he said that after my grandfather and grandmother divorced, there was an incident at her place with her new husband where my dad witnessed the new husband punch my grandfather. Things were always volatile. He said the negativity that he grew up in made him a little too serious too. Dad said that incident really stuck with him and that it's that kind of thing that children shouldn't be witness to.

No joke! I remember mum's arsehole boyfriend putting barstools through the ceiling and stalking mum (us?) around the kitchen table with a carving knife.

I don't remember anything fun. Even when we went on holidays, I can clearly see myself getting away from everyone at any chance I got - wander the streets by myself, walk on the beach by myself - so I could physically distance myself from that life.

I find myself doing that now and I really don't like it. I retreat from people when I need them the most. It's not a healthy way to be, but I recognise it and that's the first step to correcting it, right?

Anyway, I feel bad that my dad thinks it's his fault that I'm kinda messed up. It's not. It's the situation. It was what it was and it would have happened whether he or my grandfather were happy kids, or not.

I'm glad I told my dad I was going to the weekly meetings. I didn't mean to. Now that I have, I feel a little better. Maybe this has started a dialogue between us that'll help me to understand a number of things I haven't figured out yet.....and maybe get some memories back in the process, even if they suck. I need to know who I am.

3 Comments:

Blogger RisibleGirl said...

How great that your dad is being supportive of you. That's a GREAT start on your road to healing, dontcha think?

((((((((E)))))))

1:27 am  
Blogger monica said...

(((((((((E))))))))

1:33 am  
Blogger grrltraveler said...

Yep, thank god for your dad. It's good to have someone in your family validate your experience, i think, so you don't think that it wasn't what it was, or whatever. I think it's great that you are developing this dialogue with him and maybe he can help open up some more doors for you in the future, for more healing! (((((((((((E)))))))))))

a

2:00 pm  

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Friday, September 23, 2005

Another thought about my neighbours...

I'd say the average age group is 20 or 30 years older than me. Working on the theory that as you get older, your hearing goes, I think I'll let it slide that nobody came to see what the problem was when I set my smoke detector off three times yesterday afternoon.

It's kinda sad that I can't even make pikelets (mini pancakes) without making my entire house as smokey as a nightclub.

2 Comments:

Blogger blogsurfer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:18 am  
Blogger grrltraveler said...

All I can think is that it must happen all the time?? Here in Ireland, house alarms are a huge thing, they go off regularly when the wind blows, or someone leaves a window open. I certainly don't check to see if that persons house is getting robbed anymore because it happens all the time. You just get desensitized! Maybe the person who lived there before you also struggled not to burn things. ;p

hugs,

12:37 am  

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More info on my neighbours

I obviously made everyone curious about this, so I'll update with what I know.

The lady next door appears to be in her mid 50s. Her name is Jean and she's retired and knits things for charity. She gets her wool delivered to her from someone in the UK and it takes a month for it to go through quarantine. Who'da thunk that?

I only found that out because she came to my door one morning to see if some mail was mine. Other than that, I haven't seen her at all.

There are two guys living in #3. I haven't spoken to the one who seems to come and go more frequently, (although both of them come and go a lot). The first one has dark hair. The other guy is Rob. He has blonder hair and appears quite nice. I've yet to determine whether they're a couple or not. I think I'll have to ask the agent if #3 is a one or two bedroom place. They're both very nice looking...............so I don't know if I want to avoid them or not. If they're in a 1 bedroom place, then that'll be moot. Maybe they'd have a nice, single, straight friend....

Whatever they do, our driveway sometimes seems busier than our street.

Oh and I also scared the poop out of the little old lady next door. My cats jumped the fence and I was watching them from the street at the end of her driveway. She came out of the house after a while, because she wondered why someone was standing there watching her house. Ooops!

2 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

haha
hilarious!

10:53 am  
Blogger grrltraveler said...

"...Maybe they'd have a nice, single, straight friend...."

I like the way you are already thinking ahead. It shows you are more positive and hopeful about the future than you think. :)

(((((((((((((((((E)))))))))))))))

a

12:39 am  

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

Stating the obvious

You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are…your simple presence can make others happy. Jane Roberts

We all carry it within us: supreme strength, the fullness of wisdom, unquenchable joy. It is never thwarted, and cannot be destroyed. Huston Smith Educator and writer

Can you imagine experiencing the world as a great sandbox given for us to play in like we did as children? As we play, we can also open ourselves to the exploration of our edges, always creating new adventures of self-exploration as we let go of old outdated beliefs about ourselves. Judith-Annette Milburn Psychologist

Even my daily motivational emails are lecturing me.
I just wanna be in a foul mood right now, ok.
It's a process.

3 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

haha be happy its fun :)

8:09 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is a process...don't rush yourself or allow others to. You're where you need to be to heal...and it sounds like there's been a betrayal too...I wish I could give you a hug...I really do care.

9:20 pm  
Blogger grrltraveler said...

I do care too...

Be in a foul mood if you want to. Take a kick boxing class and get some of that anger out, picture his face and take your revenge. Ok. 'Nuff said.

Now a few more hugs. ((((((((((((((E))))))))) (((((((((E))))))))))((((((((((E))))))))

anne

1:29 am  

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Revenge

As time goes on, I continue to learn things about the person I lived with that cause me to believe that I never knew him at all. His deception was at a level I could never have imagined.

Today I learned something that has made me feel so incredibly used, taken advantage of, mislead. He may as well have gone around screwing everyone he met, because the depth of my sense of betrayal is beyond comprehension.

I can't begin to describe how I feel. The sensation is new to me.

What I do know is that I want him to hurt. I want him to feel the embarrassment for having been caught out. I want his friends to know. I want his family to know. I want his world to collapse the way he's made mine collapse. I want him to feel anguish and remorse like he's never felt before.

I know wanting revenge is not productive. Regardless, it's appealing, and for the first time in my life, I have no qualms about making someone suffer for their actions.

I need a fucking hug from someone who really fucking cares. And yeah, that's another first for me too - I swore on my blog.

2 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

*hug*

8:10 pm  
Blogger RisibleGirl said...

I know this is horrible, but if it helps you...

You know the 8 year boyfriend? I was a little happy that his parents were dead so they could see what he'd done.

I know how horrible that sounds, but I too, wanted EVERYONE to know what an awful man he was but I couldn't really say anything because of the things he did. My only solice was that his parents, who loved me, both ended up seeing him for what he was.

Lots of hugs,
RG

12:44 am  

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Happy blog birthday to me

Tomorrow marks one year of blogging for me. I'll admit I'm surprised. I tend not to stick to a lot of things once I start them, so it's a bit of an achievement. I was going to keep my thoughts private, but I'm glad I didn't. I've made some great friends and met some great people simply by publicly airing my musings in this little space on the net.

Tomorrow would have also marked 11 months with C. It's a thought that could really bring me down if I dwell on it too much. I miss how things were. I miss how happy I was. I miss that we appeared to be happy together. I miss el kiddo. I miss the things we did. I miss him, the way he was. I miss a lot of things.

Life is strange. The unexpected - good and bad - can lead you in all sorts of directions you never would have imagined. I certainly didn't expect today's circumstances to be this way. I wonder what the next 12 months will bring.

I hope in 12 months I'll still be writing here.

I hope in 12 months I'll be getting paid to write - somewhere.

I hope in 12 months that I'll have learnt more about myself, so that my life lessons may not be so painful, even when they're not entirely pleasant.

I hope in 12 months that I'll reflect back to today and say to myself, "Look how far you've come!"

I hope in 12 months that the things I dare not hope for out loud now will be the things I receive that only serve to enhance the person I'd like to become in that time.

I hope in 12 months that those of you who have shared my journey so far will still be there, and that I'll still be calling you my friends - online and/or in person.

So....happy 1 year to Kalliope's Musings and thank you to you all - for so many things!

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

MMmmm..cake.

Happy Bloggy Birthday to you, E. Life willing, I'll still be out here with ya in a year. Embrace your sadness...this too shall pass. You're feeling all the right things, even if they kinda suck. hugs....

9:40 pm  
Blogger Mia Goddess said...

One year! I had a little birthday over the summer of writing in my blog, too. I like your idea of writing what you hope for in the next 12 months ~ and as long as you keep writing (and please do!) you'll be able to look back in a year and see that it was filled with the rich gifts you hoped for. Happy "birthday"!

11:13 pm  
Blogger monica said...

Ahhhhh, Eve's Opus...

:) Here's wishing ya all you wanted and more!

2:35 pm  
Blogger RisibleGirl said...

Happy birthday E's blog! I hope your blog has brought you as much joy as mine has. I'm glad you've kept with it!

11:34 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

Happy Birthday Blog!

8:12 pm  
Blogger Anonymous G said...

doh! i missed the party!
congrats to you, E - and happy birthday to your dear blog.

xox

11:06 am  

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Monday, September 19, 2005

A day at a time

Having things to do to get my place feeling more like home has been necessary in order for me to cope with living alone again. It is a position I didn't expect to be in at all, but I find myself here nonetheless. Spending Saturday buying bits and pieces was more a survival mechanism than anything else. I didn't immediately need any of the items I bought, but I did need to go and buy them so that I'd feel like I was doing something good for myself.

I'll check my bank balance later and be pissed off that I've had another setback from my 'no debt by October' goal (looking more like it'll be around Jan or Feb if all goes to plan), but I'm resigning myself to that feeling and I'm being kinder to myself than I normally would - on the money side of things, anyway.

People are keeping in touch with me more than usual. I've even called my mum a couple of times and she's been strangely helpful in keeping me feeling ok. She's been more, "you're doing well" and less, "you poor thing", than I expected. Regardless, she's been one of the necessary distractions in the last week that I've been glad to have had. The fact that she's pressuring me to go visit her is something I'm ignoring at the moment. I'll deal with that later.

The last week has been spent organising my lounge and kitchen. From the photos, you can tell there's not much to be organised, but it's amazing the time that can be spent rearranging chairs and cushions when you don't want to sit still.

This week, I'll concentrate on my bedroom. I haven't done anything in there, and most of my clothes are still in my suitcases. I'm sure I can fill a few days rearranging my wardrobes.

The moments when I'm too tired to distract myself are the hardest. C and I had tickets to see the Lion King on Saturday. He took el kiddo instead. I tried not to think about it, but it was something I was really looking forward to. Tomorrow, they fly to the Gold Coast for 10 days. I was going to go to Brisbane during that time and see my dad for the first time in a few years. It's hard not to be bitter about things like that. It's hard not to be resentful and it's hard not to try to seek some sort of retribution....to want to make him suffer as much as me. (And while I'm on the subject of suffering, it should come as no surprise that I shut my hurt finger - the one I thought I broke - in a door this morning. Such is my luck lately.)

I know myself. It will be all too easy for me to sit and analyse and think and analyse some more, once I have more free time on my hands. I don't want to do that. I want to feel as strong as everyone keeps telling me I am. I want to feel like things are going to be ok.

Right now though, I don't feel strong and I don't feel ok. I'm doing what I have to do, because I have to do it. I don't know how else to be. It's a really crap sensation. It's not like I haven't been through hurt and breakups before. I do recognise that there's anger and a grieving process to go through. I do know that somehow, something good will come from all that's happened.

But in the moments when it's just me and my thoughts, I feel like I'm drowning, and it all just freakin' sucks.

3 Comments:

Blogger grrltraveler said...

((((((((((((((((((E)))))))))))))))))))

All I have is big hugs for you right now. Unfortunately, like you know, this is a difficult time and it's going to be for awhile. I think you sound like you are getting by one day at a time, which is truly all you can do.

How 'bout a few more hugs?
((((((((((((E))))))))))(((((((((E)))))))
(((((E))))))))
((((((((((((((((((E)))))))))))))))

anne

2:21 am  
Blogger RisibleGirl said...

I'm with Angela. I'm not going to make any "chin up" comments.

THEY'RE NOT HELPFUL!

Introspection is good (at least in my world). Take all the time you need to think things out.

((((((((((((E)))))))))))

..thinking about you.

4:31 am  
Blogger monica said...

I'm a spa girl, myself. LOL. Forget a new pair of shoes - someone rub my feet and paint my toenails! :) Easier than having to work off a pint of ice cream or whatever. And if I'm in the mall with my credit cards and a foul mood, well, that could get ugly quickly.

You don't really strike me as a retail therapy kind of gal, though... Perhaps rent a movie or something? Something that gives your mind a break for a little?

Or better yet, write it all out and save the material for that book you're writing. Isn't NaNoWriMo coming up again?

7:51 am  

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Starting to look like home

It took four hours of herculean effort yesterday to get my lounges assembled. I cast aside my Xena outfit momentarily and resigned myself to the fact that it really was going to take two people to get everything set up. Not knowing what he was getting himself into, my girlfriend's hubby offered his furniture assembling services to me. (Really, she told him he had to do it and he just nodded and did what he was told.)

It appeared as though it would be a straight forward job, but closer inspection told a different story. After I'd assembled the two seater, it didn't feel as sturdy as it should have. The back section didn't quite fit as it was meant to. So we pulled it apart and started again. Hubby had to make an emergency dash to Bunnings for some extra brackets and wood glue. We were pretty impressed with the end result though, and by the time we'd assembled the three seater, we were discussing going into business as furniture assemblers....till we worked out we'd have to put together at least 8 of the damn things each day to make a living, so we canned that idea. (That it took us 4 hours to put together two, should have been our first clue that furniture assembly was not our true calling.)

Back-tracking to Saturday, I spent most of the day driving around looking for inspiration. I shop in two ways. I either know exactly what I want, go to one store, get it and get out again as fast as possible, or I don't know exactly what I want, but I know that as soon as I see it, I'll know it, I'll buy it and I'll be out again as fast as I can. Both ways are rather impulsive, but I find that if I think too hard, I end up buying nothing at all. I also hate spending money. I cannot stand to spend money. So if I think about it too long, when I know I have to spend money, I start to worry more about the money and less about how much I actually need the thing I'm buying. Not a good place to be. I tend to get rather short tempered with sales staff when I'm like that, so it really is best that I don't think at all when I shop.

Saturday's shopping list included a rug for the lounge room floor, cushions and throw rugs for the lounges, a table runner for the coffee table, and stools for the kitchen bench. Five stores (I drove all the way to Hawthorn, then all the way to Epping and back again!) and I think the most time I spent was at a snobby 'accessories' store in Hawthorn, because they were so damn expensive and I was fighting with myself about buying a $50 cushion (OMG yes!), even though it was going to be 20% off that price.

In the end...
1 x hand made Indian rug on sale at $800, reduced from $1200. The guy sold it to me for $650. (And said he'd give me a smaller one for my bedroom at $150, which was $200 off the marked price, but I was already bleeding over the price of the first one, so I declined.)
1 x damn expensive suede striped cushion at $50 - 20%.
2 x damn expensive throws from the same store - 20%. Somehow she only charged me for one. Woohoo!
2 x microfibre cushions at $15 each.
2 x bar stools at $59 each, reduced from $69.
1 x table runner at $19.95.
1 x burgundy cushion that must have cost a lot, because I can't remember how much I paid.

I think I like the results. It's starting to look like home, even though it doesn't feel like it yet. I feel like I'm staying in a nice holiday apartment - everything looks nice, but it's not mine, so I have to be careful to keep it looking all perfect just in case. In case what? I dunno.....just in case.

Hopefully by tomorrow, they'll have installed the tv antenna and I won't have to watch black and white fuzzy tv anymore. Talk about taking a trip back in time! And on Thursday, my phone's being connected, so I'll be able to talk to people and get on line again! Oh the anticipation!

Whatcha think?










































2 Comments:

Blogger grrltraveler said...

E! That's a gorgeous apartment, really nice with the wood floors and all.
And I like the furniture, it looks like stuff I would own. :)

I wish we could ALL come around with ice cream and keep you company.

hugs,
a

2:26 am  
Blogger RisibleGirl said...

You did GREAT! You have to be really proud of yourself!

I know *I'm* proud of you!

4:28 am  

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Razor wire

I have no idea why, but I had a dream about Cornelia Rau and Vivian Alvares the other night. I can't remember it. My dreams aren't normally about current affairs type things. They're more to do with how I process my emotions. Maybe it's relative in some way.

I looked up 'detention' and 'incarceration' and couldn't find anything. Under 'jail', I found this:

"To dream that others are in jail, signifies your unsettled feeling to grant privileges to an unworthy person."

Well, yeah, I guess that's relative....

More on Ms Rau here.

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Night moves and nanna

My unit is one of three. It's at the front of the block, number two is directly behind me, and number three is way down the back of the driveway.

There's a little old lady in number two. The only time I've seen her was the day I first looked at the place and the day my girlfriend helped me move in. I'm sure she thinks I'm gay, purely because any other sane person would have a guy driving the truck and shifting their furniture. Me? I get my mid 40s, shorter-than-me girlfriend to lend a hand. Little old lady gave us a strange look and I haven't seen her since.

I knew the person in number 3 was a guy. There are boots outside his front door, and he owns a flat bed ute. I didn't see him for the first day or so, but I drove in one time as he drove out and we did the perfunctory nod thing as we passed.

But I think he's odd. At least, his activities seem odd. He comes and goes in his truck each night at least every half hour or so, if not less. It's really weird behaviour.

I'm going to have to investigate. Besides, I need to get to know someone who can open jars and kill spiders for me. Other than him, I'm surrounded by little old ladies on all sides. At least I know I'll get looked after and fed whenever I'm sick.

2 Comments:

Blogger E in Oz said...

LOL This is a ute...
http://www.holden.com.au/www-holden/action/modeloverview?modelid=15000

12:02 pm  
Blogger Anonymous G said...

little old ladies, one weird guy and YOU. sounds like a sitcom!!

hope you're doing better each day. i'm sure your little place will be home sweet home in no time.

HUGS,
G

9:58 am  

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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Night one was ok...night two sucked

I have bruises all over me. I've been collecting them during my packing, moving, and cleaning. Mostly, they're small, about the size of coins, but they're everywhere. Both my arms, wrists, hands, one on the top of one of my feet, my shins....I'm surprised I haven't banged my head yet. It's only a matter of time...

From bruises, I moved on to cuts. Paper, tape, boxes, you name it. Then there was the 'take skin off extremities' thing as I squeezed boxes into and out of my car, and through various other doorways and the like. Two days ago, I was pulling a box out of my car, it over balanced and I squished my fingers between it and my car door. Wasn't pleasant. There was skin removal and discolouration, but no blood. No, I saved that for yesterday.

Being the fearless, independent she-warrior that I'm pretending to be right now (picture blonde Xena), I was sorting through stuff in my storage unit, looking for all the kitchen things I'd previously forgotten I needed (Lord how I miss having a dishwasher already!). I was doing well. Managed to earn myself a couple more bruises, having to shift boxes with my legs, but I was pleased with my progress. Still, I couldn't find my stereo unit. I found the minor speakers and the wiring, but not the major components. Of course, that was the biggest box, up the highest and at the back of the unit. Where else would the heaviest thing be?

So I moved some stuff out of the way, got up on a chest of drawers, and pulled the box as close to the edge of the cabinet it was sitting on as it would go without falling off, hopped down and thought I had it balanced well enough that I could hold it long enough to put on the drawers I was standing on, then go from there. Next thing I knew, my hand slipped and the box landed on the edge of a heavy wooden computer desk I had upright, in pieces.....with my hand stuck in between.

Instant reaction was to pull my hand out. Hmmm...instant blood, instant lack of breath! LOL I think I was in so much shock and pain that I couldn't even manage tears. Stuck my finger in my mouth (mmm, hygienic, that was!) to try to dull the pain. Meanwhile, my body started shaking coz it hurt so damn much and I was wondering what the hell to do with all the stuff that I'd left in the corridor while I got someone to help me.

It's amazing how much heavy stuff you can lift and move with one hand if you really need to. I couldn't leave my unit open while I went back to the office for help, because (as is always the case at times like this) my unit is about as far away from the office as you can get, and I just didn't know who else was in there. Yeah, they have security cameras, but still...

All they had in the office was bandaids and sterile swipes. That was good enough for me. Anything so I could avoid seeing the blood, bruising and swelling that was going on. (I was so focussed on the damage to that finger, I didn't even notice the bruise on the one beside it till this morning.)

After that, I was even more determined to prove I was Xena. No amount of (probably broken) finger pain was gonna stop me getting my stuff. So back I went, loaded up the things I needed, as well as the bastard box that fell on me, and got them into my car and got myself home.

(I think it was purely a coping mechanism that I totally forgot to take that box out of the car last night. I didn't want to see it ever again. However, it's gonna have to come out tonight when I get home, because I really need music in my house.)

So, I got home and was feeling pretty upset and it hit me. Here I am, having been made to start over from scratch, lost everything I thought I had with someone who appears to have never been who he said he was, am back in debt because I had to spend money I didn't have to start over, am feeling like I'm lost and out of control in a number of ways, topped off with the fact that I look like I've been in a battle and I'm in physical pain, as well as emotional...............and he gets to go on with life as before, no consequences, no remorse, nothing. His equilibrium remains and I pay the price. I hate the unfairness of that. It's making me pretty bitter about it all.

Well, that thought process sent me spiralling into the angry tears that had been waiting to come all this time. Being that my tv still doesn't work (I discovered I have no roof antenna), no internet and no land line, I rang my girlfriend to talk. She was making dinner for her family, but said she'd come down. I got off my cell and realised I should have asked her to bring a screwdriver for the chair, but didn't want to call back. (No, I don't know why!) Then I got more upset thinking, "I only have one chair, where's she gonna sit?...." Seriously, I was like, "I'm getting this woman to drive half an hour to see me, I have nothing to feed her, nowhere for her to sit, nothing to talk about except me, can't watch tv....etc etc etc". I can say, the one good thing about living alone is that you can freak out in a major way and nobody else has to know....except the cats, who just avoided me (and now the whole blogosphere).

She arrived with icecream. I didn't even know I wanted icecream till she gave it to me. I never understood the medicinal qualities it has till now. I stopped having my meltdown and she distracted me for a couple of hours. I felt bad that I only had a box for her to park her butt on, but oh well... She's offered the services of her husband for Sunday some stage to help me get the other two lounges put together. I might take her up on it. He's Italian and he's pretty much a handyman, so he's duly qualified for the task.

By the time she left, it was pretty late and I didn't have the energy to pull my bed apart and put the electric blanket on it, so I froze for the second night in a row. I don't care how late I go to bed tonight, that thing's going on if it kills me. It'll just mean taking more happy pills tomorrow, but that's most likely not a bad idea either.

This morning's examination of my finger makes me think it's not broken. It's certainly badly bruised and swollen though. If it was broken, I wouldn't mind so much. It's my middle finger and having that permanently straight suits my mood right now, so it's not like it'd be too much of a bad thing to deal with.

Tonight's distraction - get that stinkin' stereo system out of my car and set it up before I head off to my ACoA meeting. I'll be glad for the reality/perspective check that will give me.

*whew* I'm tired!

4 Comments:

Blogger monica said...

((((((((((((((E))))))))))))))

This is not making me feel better about moving twice before Christmas. (Mememmemememe.)

Vodka would work pretty well on those smashed fingers.

6:12 am  
Blogger grrltraveler said...

((((((((((((((((E))))))))))))))))

The worst bit about moving is all those papercuts and bruises and frustrating things that happen. I like Monica's idea about vodka, although I think you're a Bailey's girl... ;)

Another way to look at things... he has all sorts of memories associated with his house while you get to move on and start over. I know it's not what you want to hear but it's another view anyhow.

Take care sweetie.
xo

6:36 am  
Blogger RisibleGirl said...

(((((((((((E)))))))))))

This cinches it. When we move, we're hiring movers!

You're not bringing back any fond memories of moving, that's for sure.

(you're way too much like me.. WAY too much. You poor girl!)

11:55 pm  
Blogger Sara said...

Wow - ok - sounds a bit like A and I moving into that apartment a few years ago.

I really got hurt on that one. A broke a light cover and sliced her foot.

Keep that chin up sweetie. Overall you're on the upward slope even though it doesn't seem that way right now.

Love ya... send me the new number when you get it and I'll give you a ring.

S

12:16 am  

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Monday, September 12, 2005

Night one...at least I can laugh at myself.

I bought a new lounge setting last week and it was delivered yesterday at lunch time. Each time I spoke with the sales guys, they asked me if I was going to have help assembling it. "No, I'll be right. You said it comes with all the appropriate screws and allen keys, right? I've put furniture together before. I'll be fine."

Now I know why they kept asking me if I was going to have help, or if I wanted them to send someone to assemble each piece for me.

I needed something to sit on, so I decided to tackle the single seater first. Oh, did I mention that the boxes were so freakin' big and heavy that I could barely lift them? Hmmm...

After a bit over an hour (watching fuzzy tv in the background, because it turns out my reception sucks), I had assembled the chair. I must say it looks damn fine and I'm proud of myself. The fact that I'm apprehensive to actually sit on it is another matter entirely. Haha, well that's not really true. The protection on the material was still slightly wet, so I didn't want to wreck it. Also, I discovered the assembly items included small screws. Regular ones, not the ones you can use an allen key for. I didn't have a phillips head screw driver. Do you know how much it hurts to try to turn screws with your bare hands? Anyway, I did the best I could, but they're still not in as far as they should be, so I don't want to sit down and have a kind of Princess and the Pea scenario. I put bubble wrap on it so the cats wouldn't sit on it during the night, or today while I was at work.

Are you impressed?? I am! It's a freakin' heavy chair!














I was feeling pretty damn good with myself at that stage. Meanwhile, I was working out the best place to stand, sit, lean, or move boxes so that my tv reception would get better. It didn't. Realising the magnitude of the task I'd set myself, I figured I'd pass on attempting the two seater or the three seater by myself. (Yes, Ian, as much as I was saying how stubborn and independent I am, and as much as I wanted to prove to myself that I don't need help with anything, I've conceded that those two items are beyond my lonesome capabilities.)

So onwards I trekked. Given that I'd tried to lift the coffee table on display in the store to see how well made it was, and found it to be an effort, it should have come as no surprise to me that trying to lift a box that contained the coffee table and two lamp tables wasn't going to work. Open the box where it is and move each item separately. Hmmm, that works better.

Start small, they say. A lamp table. This looked easy. Square top, four legs, four screws, four washers...and an allen key. I had the first table completed in such short order that I was very impressed with myself. I flipped it up and proudly put it next to the wall (again, trying to get better tv reception). By this time, I was invincible. Way to go, me! Second lamp table should be a breeze! I don't know what made me look across the room to the first table I'd put together, but I got a surprise when I did...

Notice anything wrong??
















After the initial "WTF?" wore off, I laughed pretty hard at myself....then proceeded to try to figure out what went wrong. You see, they put all 12 legs in the box altogether. How was I supposed to know that there were 4 shorter ones for the coffee table? It didn't say anywhere that 4 legs were shorter! They all looked the same....well till you put a shorter one with three longer ones.

This is how it should have looked. Better huh?













Yeah, and that's the Taj Mahal of cat scratchers, which cost me $109...and they didn't go near it for nearly three months! Thankfully now they appreciate the value of a dollar and use it frequently, instead of other furniture.

The coffee table was, by then, a breeze to assemble. I couldn't quite feel my fingers afterwards and I think my back is going to be sore for the rest of my life but I'm proud of last night's productivity.

Notice the tv was, by that stage, off.














I checked the time then and noticed it was after 9pm. Every bone and muscle in my body was sore and I hadn't eaten (because it never occured to me to get my toaster, kettle, eating utensils, or plates from my storage unit - you'd think I'd never moved before). I'm ashamed to admit it, I drove, in foul rain and cold wind, to the Hungry Jacks drive through (because nobody told me the local chicken place had closed down!), and I bought a burger. (That'd be Burger King for all you overseas type folks.)

I got home and stared at this.













That's my three seater and my two seater. I was going to unpack at least one of them, so the task of assembling didn't seem so daunting. I decided against it. By that time, it was after 9.30pm, my back was about to snap in half, my tv wasn't working properly and I still had to find all my bedding and make my bed.

Looks like I'll need a new bed too. An ensemble on wheels has a tendency to move - a lot - on floorboards. Oh, someone remind me too, while I'm searching for all my kitchen stuff in my storage unit....I need to get my electric blanket. Holy cow, it's Spring already and I practically froze last night!

But I made it, huh! And that's all that counts. :-)

7 Comments:

Blogger E in Oz said...

Hey Rae, here's a free plug for the place - Sabisi Furniture in Epping. Got all that for $890 (scotchguard was extra). The original price for just the lounges was $1190!

2:35 pm  
Blogger grrltraveler said...

Nice looking stuff!! And wow, sounds like an event! :) Now, every girl should have a flat head and philips head screwdriver and possibly a power drill.. i'm telling you, it's a trip! it feels GOOD to do something yourself! (by the way, if you get the right power drill, you can put the screw heads on it and power 'screw' in the bits)

I hope you recover quickly because it feels DARN good to have done all the work yourself, doesn't it? Makes you feel like you don't need anyone, which isnt a bad thing. :)


hugs,
anne

4:31 pm  
Blogger RisibleGirl said...

You sound WAY too much like me, stubborn girl!

Yep, you have reason to be proud of yourself (even with the table leg fiasco!)

Too bad I wasn't a blogger when I installed Pergo floors (all by myself) throught my entire house. That was 2000 square feet of sawing, hammering and measuring and stuff. I wanted to cry at times at the sizable chunk of work I made for myself, but I was sure proud of it when I was done.

Good job!

12:01 am  
Blogger ezri.blue said...

I'm impressed your cat scratchy posty thing even gets use! My ex and I bought one that stretched from the ceiling to the floor ($29, thank you Walmart) and the cats refused to use it for the longest time. Then it was only the kitten who'd use it but only to get a higher advantage over the dog... Or either of us walking past. =\

8:51 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fantastic furniture, E! And yay you for getting it all up an running on your own. Sort of symbolic, no? You're gonna be just fine - I think a few new items to relax in are just the thing.

11:38 am  
Blogger Anonymous G said...

all i can think to say is

YOU GO, GIRL!!!

i love the new stuff and the new place.

(laughed out loud at the lopsided table..heeheehahaha)

great big HUGS,
me

2:05 pm  
Blogger Sara said...

Flat out LMAO. That's wonderful.

Sounds like you had an interesting time there!

:) I am so glad that you made it in and that everything is still going ok!

Love ya lots!

S

12:12 am  

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

And then there was none

We sat on this couch in the store, having our first real conversation about the relationship, what we wanted, where we thought it was going, how we'd handle finances, and all those things. The couch was comfortable, the words came comfortably, and we just sat and talked. In his lounge room, on that couch, is where I'm sitting now.

We had a running joke that it was so big that we could both lie outstretched on it, and not touch each other, and we'd demonstrate to anybody who made the mistake of commenting on it to us. Of course, at the time, we took up hardly any space at all, because I was usually sitting almost on him.

Lately though, we couldn't have been further apart - physically and emotionally. The hardest thing for me has been getting my head around the fact that this amazingly wonderful, warm person became insensitive, hurtful and detached.....and I still haven't determined which is the real him.

I know the surface 'why' of it, but I don't think I'll ever discover the deeper 'why' he changed.

In about an hour, I'll be closing the door - literally - on something I thought was enduring. I thought I'd found my person, my place, my purpose.

This last week has been strange. I've barely shed a tear. I've been dealing with it by staying angry, defiant and indignant. But now, as I contemplate closing that door and perhaps never being within these walls again, never sitting on this couch again, it's starting to hurt. Badly.

I know I tried. I know I did all I could. I know this is about him, not me. I know I'm worthy of better treatment. That doesn't change how I'm starting to feel in this moment.

(Amidst all of this, I have to stop to thank Ian for taking time out to distract me for a couple of hours today. I appreciate it, truly. You made me feel better for a while, and for that, I'm grateful.)

As I moved the last of my things into my new place today, I looked around and saw 'me' everywhere. My things. Things that have been packed away in boxes for almost a year. Things that give me a sense of having some sort of history (even though the histories of most of those items ended after a move or a breakup of some sort). So I stood in the middle of all those things that are 'me', but I didn't feel me. I felt numb.

Autopilot kicked in for me a while ago, if I'm going to be honest with myself. It's been my protection from the pain I know is yet to come.

I just have to get through tonight. I don't think I have as many distractions as I need and that worries me. I just realised I don't even have a knife and fork so I can eat. They're still in my storage.

Anyway, if I keep rambling any longer, I'll have to deal with a face to face confrontation on my way out and I know that will bring me completely undone, so I better get up, walk to that door and close it while there's nobody here to witness me.

Thank you so much to everyone who's emailed, called, sent text messages or generally given me support this weekend (well, the last couple of months actually). I couldn't do this without your help.

I'll post more tomorrow.

3 Comments:

Blogger RisibleGirl said...

Dear E, this was very well written and heartfelt.

I've said this before, but it's worth repeating. You'll find your way again, and as long as you keep on this path of self awareness, you'll also find your the happiness that you deserve.

I honestly believe that.

Lots of love,
RG

1:39 am  
Blogger monica said...

Hey E,

RG's right on. Can't think of anything better to say. (Hey, how often am *I* at a loss for words, huh?)

Big hugs.

9:20 am  
Blogger grrltraveler said...

(((((((((((((((((E)))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((E)))))))((((((((E))))))))))

You kick ass, girl.

a

5:47 pm  

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

To Rich....

It's just short of three years, you know. I remember the day you IMed me to ask why I had your 'company' logo on my y@hoo profile. It was just after I'd met Jason, and he'd contacted me for the same reason. Both of you gave me almost identical opening lines, and I thought that was pretty funny.

And what an unlikely friendship we formed. We've both had some tough times since then, but we've managed to fumble our way through them and I think we've done ok for the most part.

I want to thank you for your support, your friendship and your kindness. There is a warmth behind that tough exterior and I know you don't like to admit it, but it is evident. Deb and the kids are proud of you, I'm sure. I know you feel down from time to time, but I know they're lucky to have you. I know how concerned I get for your safety when you're off doing the work you do, so it's understandable they'd be fearful too. Like I said, the webcam will make a difference for all of you. Just remember to smile, huh? :-) (Oh, and tell Deb she looks good in pink. The wedding photos are great.)

I think you underestimate the good in yourself (haha, go on, tell me I do too!) and I just wanted to remind you of the positive contribution you make to my life. You're an awesome person - one of my favourites - and I really do appreciate you.

Keep your head down, huh!

Semper Fi!

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Re-birth

Well, they say Je$u$ was about 33 when he died, and they (the all-encompassing 'they' who seem to have the group-think market cornered) will tell you he's been pretty busy, with quite a large fan base since then.

So I was thinking. I'm 33. Maybe now is my time for my re-evolution.

Something to think about.

1 Comments:

Blogger RisibleGirl said...

Well, my dear E, if you do have your re-birth at this age, you'll be six years ahead of my schedule. I was 39. :)

2:36 am  

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Friday, September 09, 2005

Interesting timing

I don't often have time to log into Y@h0o lately. I can't log in from work anymore and I seem to not have time when I'm home.

I was surprised, when I logged in by chance tonight, to see James on line. Yes, the James from NV. For those who don't know James, we had a long distance thing going for over a year, till I went to see him in NV and he didn't show. I honestly knew he wasn't going to turn up before I left, but I went anyway....and had a ball (and got to be in the lovely Sara's wedding while I was there).

Those who know me know the rest. I was/am disappointed about a bunch of things, but I think we were always destined to just be friends.

I haven't talked to James in ages, so I sent him a hello message. An hour and a half later, and we're still talking. He's one of the few people I can do this with - go for so long without a word, then pick up down the track and it doesn't feel strange or uncomfortable. Just nice. Yeah, despite all the crap I went through.

He has this way of putting me at ease. When he said, "you worry too much", I actually smiled. Somehow, in a weird way, just talking to him helps me not to worry. I don't know how or why. I can't explain it. I just feel better.

The timing of our chat couldn't have been better. I needed the positive boost tonight. It's my second last night in this house....and it's all feeling very surreal.

In this moment though, I'm feeling happy and that's a feeling that I've not felt often enough lately.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know that surreal feeling of moving into a new place - it sorta feels like nowhere is home. Scary a little. Glad you reconnected with someone who could offer some comfort - something familiar at a time like this.

9:53 pm  

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Numbers

There's a bunch of stuff in life - in the universe - that can't be easily explained. (Ugh, my relationship is one of those things!).

Anyway, I find things like numerology, astrology, and all those sorts of things, really interesting. Obviously, they're mostly made up of broad definitions of various things (personality, intelligence, wealth potential etc), based on a specific set of criteria (birth date, birth time, hemisphere etc).

Taken on their own or taken in completely literal terms, the ideas can be debased, or proven 'false'. However, when you take a walk back in time and consider that people determined times, dates, tides, weather patterns and the like by using the sun and the stars, you have to agree to the possibility that perhaps there is some credence to it all, and it's not just a very easy money making exercise for dubious people who feed off the naive (or those who are simply looking for something to 'believe in').

Of course, there are those stereotypical types who do scam. That's the case with most things in life - there's something thinking up a new scam every day - but it seems more plausible that most people offering astrology/numerology services, would be scammers, because the majority of people just don't have the depth of knowledge or understanding of those topics to have the ability to adequately judge whether they're being scammed or not.

I personally, do think that there is some degree of accuracy in numerology/astrology/psychic ability and the like. I don't think one should centre their whole life around a reading or interpretation, but I do think some consideration, as a source of information on which to base your own interpretations, is reasonable.

My house with C is a number 6.

Six relates to tact, beauty and harmony. It is very much a relationship builder which corresponds to one-to-one encounters. It deals with that which we are attracted to and those things we find great pleasure in. Six possesses charm, grace and the ability to make small talk on any stratum, and is therefore much of a diplomat. Six is very nurturing, and is considered the mother/father number. It is considered to be a minor money number, so a little extra income will be available wherever this number is found. Negatively, six can be unfaithful, jealous, bitter and vengeful. Six can also denote perfectionism, as it is the first "perfect" number, in that the sum of its divisors, other than itself, is equal to itself: 6 X 1 = 6 and 3 X 2 = 6, and 1 + 2 + 3 = 6 (the next such number is 28).

Upon reflection, 6 sums up the way our relationship unfolded. Started out with perfect harmony and ended up bitter and vengeful.

My new house is a 7. (1 + 1 + 5)
7 is also my personal number.

Seven is considered to be a spiritual number because it is illusive and contains veils which must first be uncovered, one after another, before illumination will ultimately be found. Seven is said to be sacred, and this is evidenced by the fact that there are seven days in the week, ancient texts such as Genesis propose that the earth was formed in seven phases, the ancient solar system consisted of seven luminaries, and some versions of the Kabbalah have seven sephiroth. While seven possesses qualities of dreaminess, spirituality and psychic awareness, negatively it can be dubious, deceptive and insincere.

7 sums me up pretty well, although I'm not often insincere, because I can't hide my feelings that well.

Interestingly, here's what my lettters in my name say about me...

E is the second vowel in the alphabet and is the numerical equivalent of 5. It is a friendly number which is warm hearted, loving and compassionate. When it is the first vowel in a name the bearer is freedom loving and charming. Negatively, E can be unreliable and unstable.

V is the numerical equivalent of 4 and represents construction. It is an industrial letter which is tireless and efficient. Negatively, V can be unpredictable.

And just for your amusement, here's C's....

C is the numerical equivalent of 3 and represents energy. It is particularly good humoured and gets along well with others. Negatively, C can be unscrupulous and inattentive to the needs of others.

H is the numerical equivalent of 8 and represents creativity and power. This letter has a great deal of business acumen and will therefore find profits through most endeavours. When it is the first consonant of a name the bearer is likely to be successful in business. Negatively, it can be self absorbed and selfish.

R is the numerical equivalent of 9 and represents possibilities. It is tolerant and humane but has a tendency to become short tempered. When it is the first consonant in a name the bearer will often act as peacemaker.

I is the third vowel of the alphabet and is the numerical equivalent of 9. It represents law and as a general rule is sensitive, compassionate and humane. Negatively, I can lack self confidence and is quick to anger.

S is the numerical equivalent of 1 and represents beginnings. It has very attractive attributes and instils wealth. Negatively, S can act impulsively and cause massive upheavals to occur.

And I got all that from here.

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Thursday, September 08, 2005

I'm definitely doing the right thing

He's already checking out FOUR internet dating sites in the past three days.

I haven't even freakin moved out yet!

G-d knows how I could have been so wrong in thinking he was so right for me.

And a timely quote:
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Franklin P. Jones

3 Comments:

Blogger grrltraveler said...

Sigh....

((((((((((((((((((((E)))))))))))))))

take care of yourself,
a

10:13 pm  
Blogger RisibleGirl said...

Wow- that's brutal. And cold.

I can't wait until you're out of there, girly girl.

12:36 am  
Blogger monica said...

Just shows that he's in denial... truth is, he'll never find someone with a more spectacular soul.

And years down the road, he'll be in an empty shell of a superficial life, where he'll go through the motions of life and will probably be too numb to even realize what he's missed. Too bad no one will even bother to feel sorry for him.

9:40 am  

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Two things to smile about

Finally, finally, finally, I got my bond money back! Woohooo! That saga is over! OMG, I had about $50 left till I get paid at the end of next week (less than a tank of petrol these days). Puuuuuurfect timing!

The other good thing happened when I went to sign the lease on my new place this afternoon (man, it stung to pay out almost $2k for rent and bond!). I had originally asked for a 6 month lease with an option to go month to month afterwards. Because they'd negotiated down on the rent, the agent said the landlord said he'd only go for a 12 month lease.

The agent was not in the office today, so he got someone else to do the paperwork. I'd written on my application "6-12 months", so they wrote up a lease of only 6 months! Man, did I sign that fast! I really don't foresee moving again in another six months, but at least now I have the option to, if I want to.

Oh, I've thought of something else too. Since I'll be moving back closer to the city and closer to work, I'll be driving an average of 250kms less per week than I have been. With petrol at over $1.35 litre these days, that's good, good news!

(1 litre = 0.26 gallons, so that's roughly $5.40 gallon!)

2 Comments:

Blogger monica said...

Wow! I thought $3.58 a gallon was bad. (It's actually starting to go back down here.)

I hear you on the preference for a 6 month lease. Congrats!

7:47 am  
Blogger Vixen said...

Congrats. It's good that the money came when you needed it most. Here in the states, it's $3.29...I guess I shouldn't complain:)

8:33 am  

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Around the world in cyber ways

Boredom had me visit Blog Explosion for the first time in a long while today. Lo and behold, I had unused credits, so I added them to my site.

Just did a quick country check to see where my hits are coming from. (Excuse the dodgy cut and paste job. It's way past my bedtime.)

The blogosphere really is both big and small, simultaneously.



4 Comments:

Blogger grrltraveler said...

Wow! That's very cool. I'd love to find out if anyone reads mine. lol

:)

hugs,
a

1:31 am  
Blogger mr.A said...

Damn i'm from Holland not luxemborg.

peace _A_

1:47 am  
Blogger Milt Bogs said...

Do those previous comments make sense to you? Thought I'd leave a comment as I'm from neither Holland nor Luxemburg.

10:00 am  
Blogger thyst said...

in honor of the pending anniversary...
.
September...Earth, Wind and Fire
.
Do you remember the 21st night of september?
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away

Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing.
As we danced in the night,
Remember how the stars stole the night away

Ba de ya - say do you remember
Ba de ya - dancing in september
Ba de ya - never was a cloudy day

My thoughts are with you
Holding hands with your heart to see you
Only blue talk and love,
Remember how we knew love was here to stay

Now december found the love that we shared in september.
Only blue talk and love,
Remember the true love we share today

Ba de ya - say do you remember
Ba de ya - dancing in september
Ba de ya - never was a cloudy day

Ba de ya - say do you remember
Ba de ya - dancing in september
Ba de ya - golden dreams were shiny days

12:03 pm  

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Hair-um

I had to go to the post office at lunch to get a money order so I can pay my bond tomorrow. I'd just crossed the street to walk back to my car and a young guy approached me.

"Hey, where do you get your hair done?"
"Huh?" [Thinking: ok, at least you're original!]
"I just wondered where you get your hair done."
"In Sth Melb. Why?" [Thinking: what's wrong with it, doofus?]
"Oh, I work in somethingorother salon up the street and we're looking for people to have their hair done in the next few months."
"Aaah....no. I've had the same guy do my hair for the last almost 10 years and nobody else is touching it.....but thanks anyway."

I'm taking he actually liked my hair and didn't think it was in dire need of fixing. At least, I'm telling myself that. Gotta believe I've still got somethin' goin' for me these days!

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Monday, September 05, 2005

He finally did it

He finally made me hate him enough tonight to feel like leaving is more than the right thing to do.

I realised (well, admitted to myself) that I mourned the loss of him a long time ago, and that the last few weeks (more?) I've been mourning the loss of the relationship. I've been mourning the loss of the dreams I had and the things I thought I was working towards achieving. I knew a long time ago that I'd lost him. I just wasn't ready to give up on the dream. He made that easier for me tonight.

Against better advice and my own good judgement, I thought I'd try one final time to see if he could understand why I am the way I am about certain things. I thought that by explaining the negative effects of growing up in such an un-nurturing environment, surrounded by alcohol and abuse, and the assault, would make it clearer to him the difference between me wanting to behave a certain way and actually being able to be that way. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect him to change his mind about wanting to end things - he's far too arrogant for that, and my heart's too damaged. I simply thought he could appreciate that I tried my hardest and invested my whole self for the entire time we've been together (even though it's evident he didn't do the same).

I had sent him this as part of an email and was hoping to talk to him about it...

"....But coming from an environment where there was just coldness, anger and physical abuse, it’s very very hard to offer your most tender side to someone who’s behaving like that. I wanted so badly to hold you and to touch you and to love you like I always wanted to love someone, but I felt so so awfully rejected by you that I just couldn’t let myself open up enough to you and give you all that I wanted, for fear of more rejection. ......... I’d try and you wouldn’t respond, or would only respond short term then stop, then I’d retreat, then you’d retreat more. I wished so badly that you’d reach out to me. I needed so badly for you to make extra efforts on top of those you made, to reassure me and let me get close to you ............I wished so badly you would want to fix things and you would break the cycle. I couldn’t do it by myself, as much as I tried. I wish you understood that as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t and I needed you to do it.

You’ve misinterpreted my not being able to give you all that you want for me not *wanting* to give it to you. I wanted to......I needed you to.....I know exactly what my problems are and I’m doing my absolute best to work through them. I was so sure you would understand that....."


And after reading all that, and hearing it from me in similar words, he said that if I really wanted to do something, I would have just done it. Oh, to be so confident and self assured to think that way! I'm dumbfounded at the heartlessness of it. I expected compassion from someone who claimed to once care about me and who (I thought) knew me.

I looked at him at one stage and he was sitting there completely without emotion. I really didn't want to cry, but when you're telling someone some of your most painful moments and you're met with blank, uncaring stares, it's hard to remain composed.

An image of a snake entered my mind. Cold, calculating, eyes that show nothing, and an emptiness within that made him seem like a stone image of himself. A shell of the person I fell in love with. Really, I haven't seen the person I fell in love with for a long time. These past couple of months, that's who I've been searching for.

But how could I possibly reach out to a person I didn't know anymore? He resents me for not doing that, yet takes for granted all the time I spent caring and hoping for better things despite his negativity, thoughtless comments and cold demeanour.

I started a journey this year to start to truly, finally, heal from my past. I was confident that I was (am) strong enough within myself to do that. I knew it would be hard, but I believed he understood that it was a process I was going through and that, in time, with patience and support, I'd get there and that it would be a good thing for both of us.

Because he couldn't comprehend my past and wouldn't try to see my perspective, I felt like he just expected me to suck it up and behave like any 'normal' person would. I am normal. I am me. I had a crappy childhood and it's not my fault. I'm doing my best to heal from that. A little bit of love and support would have gone a long way.

I've had some tough moments in relationships. I've been treated coldly at times. But never before have I been treated with such contempt, resentment and bitterness simply because I couldn't offer a part of me I didn't have to begin with. I've never before experienced someone who started out so loving and kind and generous turn into someone whose harsh words cut deeper and sharper than I thought was possible to feel. I've never been treated so badly by anyone else.

I didn't know I could end up hating someone I originally loved more than I thought I could love a person.

I tried. I gave it everything I had, and then some. I can't do better than my best. I'm bitterly disappointed and sad beyond recognition. I feel like part of me has died. No regrets, though. I'll learn from the lessons I got out of this. I already am. I'm not coping well, but I'm surviving. That's the best I can do for now.

A few more days and a new chapter starts....

5 Comments:

Blogger grrltraveler said...

E,

You should be proud of what you've done in this relationship. It sounds like you've tried your hardest, been the most honest and loved like you wanted to love. *You've* done your part. And you are right to demand understanding and respect from him. You deserve to have someone whose willing to go the distance with you because, let's face it, relationships aren't just about the good. They're about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this pain. I wouldn't wish that type of pain on my worst enemy! Just try and remember to keep your head up and believe that you did what you needed to do - you can't do more than that.

hugs and peace,
a

3:15 am  
Blogger Words said...

It is what you think and feel that should be, should've been that is so in tune with the warped thinking that keeps women trapped in dysfunctional relationships. He can't see your pain, and the sight of your pain and unhappiness merely agitates him, I suspect.
Get out and get out now.
Save yourself before you lose yourself.
Been there did that and it took me seven years to recover from Post Traumatic Disorder.
Loving him is not enough, never will be enough.
Love is mutual and impossible to share with someone who is unwilling and more than likely uncable of returning true love.
Best of luck, but hoping you find the courage to walk out the door and begin breathing in the fresh air. Oh, and don't look back...
Peace be with you.....

11:07 am  
Blogger monica said...

Big hugs. Unfortunately, it seems he'll never fully realize what a mistake he's made. (Hey, it takes two to tango.)

You know, though... this road you're on... it might just turn out to be one of those things. The next few months is going to be an interesting time for you... and we'll be waiting to hear about it with baited breath!

12:33 pm  
Blogger RisibleGirl said...

You know I identify with this E. Only I got lucky and got a man that even though he doesn't really "get" it, he tries.

Hubby explained once to me that this can be really painful for him because he can't fix it. Guys want to fix things and it frustrates them when they can't.

Thankfully, he's mature enough (and sensitive enough) to understand that I'm doing the best that I can and none of it (when *it* happens) is about him.

E, I truly believe that you will find someone who will accept you for exactly who you are and you'll live happily ever after (with only a few bugs in the system, of course!)

It took me a LONG time, but I did. So will you.

xoxoxo

11:44 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

E...It's probably the hardest thing, being in a relationship. We invest so much so it hurts more than anything when it falls apart. Especially those of us who have guarded our emotions for so long. You boldly risked so much...and now you get to see how strong you really are, as you watch yourself pull it all together again and stand up tall. You've always known yourself as a survivor...all the more now.

9:06 am  

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Bureaucracy gone mad...yet again

The bond saga continues! If I could be bothered, I'd find links to previous posts. The short of it is that I moved out of a rental place in 2003 after my housemate bailed on me with no notice. The landlord and I have been trying since then to recover our respective parts of the bond money.

We've signed papers, been to court, signed more papers, and finally thought things were sorted a couple of weeks ago. I really need the money now, so I called my old landlord to find out if the bond agency had processed our forms yet.

It turns out they thought my signature on the form we just sent in doesn't match my signature on the original bond lodgement form I signed back in early 2002, so they sent the form back to my landlord saying they wouldn't process it. Of course, he had words with them and eventually sent the form back to them once more, with a statutory declaration saying the signature was mine and to just please put the damn money into our accounts.

As of today, they're still processing it. We should have the money in our accounts next week. I'm not holding my breath for it, but I could really, really use it right now!

Stupid damn govt departments! This is one saga I'd like to be over - now.

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Saturday, September 03, 2005

So....I'm outta here.

I sign a lease and get the keys next Wednesday afternoon.
No time for details right now, but I'll post some soon.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck, E. Looks like a fab place. Here's to new beginnings.

2:26 pm  
Blogger SJ said...

Looks like a cool place! I'll be expecting invitations to tea...

Bet it's out in the stix though! :)

4:59 pm  
Blogger E in Oz said...

Hey Ian, you can drop around any time. I'll be about 25 minutes closer to work and not very far from where I was living before. Not too far away from you. :-)

5:09 pm  
Blogger RisibleGirl said...

That place looks great!

You'll be just fine, E. You, dear girl, are a survivor.

xoxoxo

3:05 am  
Blogger E in Oz said...

hehe, RG, it is great, but it's tiny too! LOL I'm just glad it's got the area out the front and a back courtyard, or I'd go insane. Going from a big house to a 1brm unit is gonna be a challenge. :-p

8:50 am  
Blogger Mia Goddess said...

It looks like the kind of place you could call home. :)

3:25 pm  
Blogger monica said...

You know, it might seem tiny, but at least it's a space you can choose to share (or not) on your own terms.

Hugs! And when's the housewarming? LOL.

5:35 am  
Blogger Anonymous G said...

looks homey and cozy, E!

best of luck to you in your new little home. can you bring the cats?

housewarming? i'll bring the baileys!

HUGS,
G

2:07 pm  
Blogger grrltraveler said...

it DOES look like a great place. much cuter than a boring old apartment, it looks like it stands on it's own?!

Good luck and i'll be seeing you all at the housewarming! I love Bailey's. :)

a

3:18 am  

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Friday, September 02, 2005

Old, but amusing all the same

If they can put one man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?

*looks for ice, pours Baileys*

1 Comments:

Blogger Anonymous G said...

Maybe it's old, but I'd never heard that one.
*chuckle*

Baileys!! I haven't had Baileys in ages. I'll join you! (umm..soon as I GET some) Baileys, that is.
;-)

12:34 pm  

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