Bad bad bad

About a week ago, I was pretty frustrated with things - lack of money, not knowing if I have to move out of my place or not, being guilt tripped by my mum, the whole vet thing with my cat, among other things.

I spent some time in the bedroom, just reading and sleeping, while C and A made Meccano toys. Eventually, I made my way out and C asked me if I was bored. I said, "No, I feel fat and ugly", to which he replied, "I think I would have preferred you being bored", and gave me a hug.

I got over it after about a day. Till yesterday.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because we haven't had much more than half a day together by ourselves in the last couple of weeks and I feel like we haven't had a decent conversation in all that time. I know it's because we've had A with us all that time, and we were staying at his sister's place, but I'm just so not used to having that number of people around all the time.

He's on night shift this week. Because it's a short week, he's doing 8pm to 6am to make up hours. When you factor in that I can't get from work to his place till 6pm and I leave at 7am in the morning, we're still not getting quality time.

Something snapped in me last night. I think it's been a couple of days coming, because I've felt myself starting to get moody (and I know part of it is because it's almost that time) and I've been forcing myself to talk and smile. It's nothing C's done directly. It's just things going on that I need to deal with that I can't seem to get resolved.

I was going to stay home (at my place) last night, but I didn't get organised enough before work, so I didn't have all my things packed and ended up staying at C's place.

After he left for work, I had an overwhelming need to just pack up all my stuff and go home. I didn't want to be in his house. But I didn't want to be in mine either. And I didn't want to feel like I was running away. So I stayed.

I did pack up all my things. I needed to because, after going to gym and getting organised after work today, there's no point to go to C's place, because he'd have left for work by the time I get there.

The thing that scared me was that it felt so easy for me to pack all my things back up and make it look like I was never there and was never coming back. I could walk away so easily.

I know, in reality, I couldn't. But the fact that I could pack up all my things so unemotionally and feel like I could slip back into my lifestyle prior to C...well I hate to think it'd be so simple to do.

I don't know what it is that I need that I'm obviously not getting right at this moment, but it bothers me no end to think that because of that, I could walk away from everything that I do have.

I'll probably end up staying at my place for the rest of the week - for practical reasons, moreso than anything else. C will come over for dinner each night, like he did last time. As much as I no longer like the environment, I think I need to be in my own space for a while.

I can feel myself pulling away and needing to retreat to my cave (yeah, girls have 'em too) till I can figure out what's really bothering me, but I don't want to do that. I just don't know how else to snap out of this stupid, stupid mood.

(Oh, and whether it's related or not, I had a strange dream last night that I had to greet some royal people who were in gondola type boats - but wider - and I had to take a note or piece of paper from the princesses or female people in the boats. I was wearing some sort of gown, but I had flat shoes on, I was on a slope, but it was paved, not grassed, and it was slippery. I had to slid down to the edge of each boat to greet the royals. The boats were all going upstream. I checked a dream interpretation site for a rough guide....)

Dream symbol: royal

Interpretation:
Special treatment
Aspiring to fame, greatness or grandness
The highest within you
Seeking acknowledgement, attention or approval
A feeling of inferiority or superiority

Related symbols: castle, king, prince, princess, queen