Some days...

....it would be nice to share the responsibilities with someone.

I feel slightly schiz0phr3nic lately. The good is really good, the not so good is overwhelming and I skate between the two moment to moment. To be honest, it's exhausting - mentally and physically.

I do not like feeling up one minute and down the next, depending on what's happened. September is my "life will get back to normal" month - that's what I'm telling myself. That's what I'm hoping.

Ya know, I had a bunch more typed out, but I deleted it. I don't want to whine. There's a big hole and I have to figure out how to get out of it...soon.

Ok, I decided I had more to say.

It really piss3s me off that I'm earning way below my potential these days. I used to have disposable income. I used to do pretty much whatever I liked. I'm really annoyed that the last job didn't work out, because all I needed was another 6 months to get a buffer. I'm annoyed that they pushed me into a corner and made me make a decision I didn't want to make.

I'm stubborn and I'm determined...but that doesn't get bills paid. Working does. I know my business will be successful. The companies I'm working with are extremely supportive of what I'm doing now and the idea I have for when I come back from K0k0d@. The feedback I've had from people who have related interests in that project is also very positive.

But I'm doing it on my own and trying to juggle doing what I have to do with doing what I'd like to do....I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I know once I'm there, the pressure will be off. And I should be in that place before the end of the year.

The last 18 months of my stupid illness getting worse, lack of proper employment, trying to build a business.... Honestly, I must be insane! I've given up lifestyle and so much more to be able to do what I want to do. I'm stubborn enough to get it done and be where I want to be.

I'm also stubborn enough not to ask for help and I know that's the downside of being me.

On impulse

I've been sitting here thinking about where I'm at and how I got here. Things are looking good and positive on the outside - I have a few clients (two more in one day this week!) and have been offered some ongoing work a couple of days a week doing something that will probably send me insane by the 3 month "Do I want to keep doing this?" date I've agreed to.

I'm getting lots of positive assistance and support from businesses I've contacted, who are working with me in various ways to help me build my personal training business. One in particular is actively finding referrals for me - and if I meet with those referrals, I can invoice the business for my time. It's nuts. And it was his suggestion. I can see us working more closely down the track, but it's good already.

The thing is, I'm also drowning...in tiredness, in responsibility, in lack of time to do [insert task], lack of money and needing the part time work, which increases the whole lack of time thing. The financial thing is just scary. All this good stuff is going on and looking like it's getting somewhere positive, but each week I worry that I'm sinking and how I'm going to get out of that by the next week.

I've turned going to K0k0d@ into a business idea that is getting really good feedback. But let's not discuss the fact that I still haven't fully paid for that trip. And I won't be working for most of August.

Yes, I'm whining....well, staying just short of panicking, really.

It will get better. I know it will. I'll just keep pretending till then that life feels as good as it looks.

(And, M, yes, I now have a page on FB!)