A goal is a dream with a deadline

All sorts of random stuff is going through my head the last few days. It's like I'm seeing the pieces and they're falling into place. I'm not quite sure what the pieces are going to become once they're together, but they're there and the feeling I'm getting is good. I can't explain it and I don't really want to try.

Every thought is positive. I've not been sick, or felt bad, or had a real headache for some time. I've slept a lot in the past week, but hey I have a sleep disorder, so that kinda makes sense. It's all I want to do if I don't have anything to do. The last time I felt this good, I was taking medication to make it happen. This time, it's exercise, fruit and positive affirmations. Small things, big difference. Who'da thunk it?

So many thoughts. So many possibilities. I have plans and I feel inspired.

Quote

From an article on The Age online.

In a piece reprinted in the Kennedy anthology, author Henry van Dyke writes: "Are you willing to own, that probably the only good reason for your existence is not what you are going to get out of life, but what you are going to give to life; to close your book of complaints against the management of the universe and look around you for a place where you can sow a few seeds of happiness to make a grave for your ugly thoughts and a garden for your kindly feelings? Then you can keep Christmas."

Priorities

I've been walking each day, for about an hour or so, in the afternoons. The realisation hit me the other day that I'm not as fit as I was telling myself, so I thought I'd better do more than I was to get healthy. Naturally, it was quiet on Christmas Day and I didn't see many people out. Yesterday, there were more, but in cars, not walking.

I walked past one house where a young guy had just parked his car. The problem was, he half drove over a wheelie bin and it was stuck under the back of his car. When he got out, I thought he mustn't have realised, because he was acting all cool, but he saw me notice the bin, then him, and gave me a dopey yeah-I'm-an-idiot look. I smiled and pretended everything was normal till I got two houses away and laughed my head off. I heard him trying to pull the bin out from under the car, but I didn't want to embarrass him more by turning back to look, so I just kept walking.

My eldest sister gave me a gift voucher for Christmas. She specified that it was to be used for lingerie. I don't need or want any, so I bought two camping chairs and two ice packs instead. My mum was all contrite and said I should have bought myself something beautiful. I did. Two sexy black chairs that I'll use and appreciate much more than lingerie. If she thought I should have nice lingerie, she could have given me a liposuction voucher. I'd need that first. :-D

One of my housemate's kids started playing with my exercise equipment yesterday, for the second time. I only knew about the first time, because the plates on my hand weights were loose and my housemate confirmed they'd been playing with them. They're lucky they didn't break a toe. In the calmest voice I could muster, I gave the "these are not toys" speech to the 6yo and suggested my things be put back where they came from. I'm sorta pissed at my housemate for letting his kids touch my stuff without asking me, so they thought it was ok to do it again. Uh, no.

And Jones, nope, no boys were anywhere near my Christmas stockings, nor shall they be any time soon. I'm so completely uninterested in having anything to do with boys at the moment. I don't have the time and really can't be bothered. It's nice just having to look after myself and not worry about anyone else.

Anyway, I'm happy and positive and focussed on continuing to be happy and positive. Life could be a lot worse. I feel good.

And then there was quiet

Last night was the rowdiest Christmas Eve I think I've experienced. There were twenty something people from my social group, which really is not many people, until you put them all into a small, one bedroom unit where the only rule is 'no high heels on the floor boards'.

The food side of things was organised weeks ago. We each nominated a plate of food we'd bring. That's the good thing about being in a structured social group (even if the events aren't always structured). Everyone knows ahead of time what their responsibilities are - and they stick to them. Nobody cuts corners like what tends to happen sometimes with family events. So...twenty people meant more than twenty plates of different kinds of foods - salads, meats, cheeses, seafood, breads, desserts. And drinks. I had four drinks, but my poor little head is hurting this morning. I had absolutely no water to drink yesterday, when I normally drink at least 3 litres, so I'm blaming the pain on dehydration.

The KK was interesting. We each took a wrapped present and drew numbers out of a hat to choose which present we unwrapped, in number order. Then we drew numbers again and were allowed to 'steal' someone else's present if we liked it better than what we got. They couldn't say no. To say it got loud would be putting it mildly. There were some cool presents. And some interesting ones. I got a bottle of sex on the beach liqueur. I have no idea what's in the real drink and there were no ingredients on the bottle (seriously!), so I decided it might be wise to give it up. I took a box of apple and cinnamon fudge from someone else. Sounds nice, right? Hmm. No. It smells like bubble gum and tastes like bubble gum and that would be fine if it were not fudge. Eating it was made difficult, because it tasted so much like gum that we almost felt like we shouldn't be swallowing it. That gift is now wrapped up nicely again and will be either given to some other poor unsuspecting person, or brought out on special occasions to torture people.

Picture twenty people, most with santa hats with flashing lights, multitude of glow sticks (anyone would have thought we were holding a backyard rave), and sparklers, running up and down the street yelling Merry Christmas at cars that drove by at midnight. That's how some of us ended the night. Others staged an impromtu dance lesson in the lounge room. The biggest hit of the night was a little dashboard Jesus doll that was supposed to be a silly KK gift that nobody would want. It turned out to be the most fought over gift and ended up propped up on a santa hat the eventual owner was wearing. I have photos. Unfortunately, I cannot post them here.

It's now 10am Christmas morning and it's super quiet. My housemate's kids aren't here yet, so I'm enjoying the peace while it lasts.

I hope everyone has a great day!

Space

I've spent most of the last three days/evenings in the hospital with L. His girlfriend and kids couldn't go to see him, for various reasons, and he wanted - needed - company. The way the boy handles his illness is....well, it's hard to describe, but there's certain aspects of his attitude to being sick, and life in general, that I'd like to adopt for myself. I think I learnt a few things the last couple of days.

The gastro doc doesn't want him to leave the hospital for another few days, but he's going home tomorrow. I took him to see his family this morning, against the doc's wishes, but we both needed to just get out of there for a while. He needed to see his kids and his gf. I needed some time not being squished into a single hospital bed with him in order to hear the sound on the tv. And the ward smelt funny. Hospitals smell...sick. The smell permeates everything, so we snuck out for a couple of hours, like prison escapees.

We got back to the hospital, were interrogated by the nurses (because he had a bit of a setback yesterday while we were walking around the hospital - and I'm grateful I didn't have to see how much of my first aid I remembered) to make sure he was ok, had lunch, watched a movie, then fell asleep, because that's about all there is to do in hospital.

There was a lot of talk between us about our course. It was decided quite a while back that we'd take group outdoor classes together. It was never specifically said. More like, it was simply a given that it would happen. We'd like to also work with some of the other people in our class, but that depends on who wants to do what once we've completed our first certificate. The last few days have brought forth a multitude of ideas, a good dose of planning and a ridiculous amount of anticipation. It feels great.

The frustrating this is, I'm home now and once L gets out of hospital, he's going to Qld for a week, so I'm at home, still buzzing with ideas and wanting to just talk about things - to anyone, but I can't. All I have to do is get through the next couple of weeks till I start getting a regular income again. After that, it feels like things are good and positive and starting to fall into place.

Tomorrow, I'm going to a Christmas Eve orphan's party with a bunch of people from my social group. It's all of us who are not celebrating with our own families. Between those people and the people I've met in my course, I have some truly fantastic people in my life right now. For that, I'm grateful.

I've never been a fan of even numbers, but, corny as it sounds, 2008 looks like it might be the start of some really great things. I'm hoping.

Comments

I was going to reply to the last post in the comments, but it was getting long, so a new post it is.

The K0k0da Trail is in PNG. It's a bloody hard trek through jungle for around 10 days. It's the anniversary of a battle some time in August and that's when dad wants to go.
http://www.kokodatrail.com.au/

Ian, the weather has been a mix of freezing and boiling. But even with the rain yesterday, it was still warm. More to come today, apparently. If it's not too bad, I'll go see my study partner in hospital, but if it's like yesterday, I won't be going anywhere! Yesterday, there were container trucks (oil/gas/milk etc) parked under bridges around the city, not going anywhere till the storms and lightning stopped.

I qualify as a GI towards the end of Jan, but I'm going to start talking to different gyms next week. Some of the people in my course have already got work in clubs doing sales. The pay is shite, but it's a foot in the door.

The people I'll be temping for are hoping I decide to work for them full time. I reaaally doubt it, but they are nice and it's income, and that's what matters at the moment.

All sorts of random stuff

In order of appearance in my head at this moment.

I did really well in my first aid assessment last night. I should be quite happy, but I didn't get 100% so I'm annoyed. I may sit the test again just to get 100%. That's how much it's bugging me, and I only missed a couple of questions.

Yesterday, I stood up on a very packed tram so a pregnant woman could sit down. Pregnancy freaks me out, but I haven't lost my manners. The same can't be said for all the businessmen who would not move out of the way. Especially not the one who waited for another woman to stand up, then sat in her seat so I had to stand in the aisle knocking people with my books and backpack. I'm sure his next business meeting went badly, coz that's how things work.

My study partner is in hospital. I was running late for class yesterday as I finished a temp job late. I called him to ask if he'd run to buy me a coffee and he said he'd been in hospital two days. He has GI problems and I'm not going to post the name of the condition, but the docs don't know if it's that or his appendix. Each time they get close to running confirmation tests on him, he gets pushed behind emergency patients, because he's not in much pain (now). He wants me to go visit him tomorrow, so I will. He's a good kid.

I had an interview on Monday for a large financial services firm. In fact, I had an interview with the HR girl last Friday, then another on Monday with a partner of one of the divisions. It went really well and they did reference checks. They took three days to decide between me and one other girl, then chose her. The upside - and I'm choosing to see it - is that the HR girl said she really wants to place me in their company, so she'll look at where else she can put me after the Christmas break. Positive, but not ideal.

I'm about out of money, as I've refused to tap into my credit. The last two days I've done temp work for shitty money, but it's money and the jobs were pretty much just answering phones, so it wasn't hard. It was good to work for really professional people, though. The surprising thing was the amount of trust they put in me. Both companies gave me access cards, access codes, passwords and other information.....then left me to my own devices while the entire staff went off to Christmas parties off site. In fact, on Wednesday, nobody from that company came back, so I was left to close the office by myself. I temped for that company for a few months about 7 years ago (coincidence huh), so some of them knew me, but still...

The weather was incredible today. I haven't seen rain or heard thunder like it in a long time. And lightning! Wow! I was on the top floor of a building that faced the ocean (Ian, you should see how Docklands has grown!) and I could not see out the windows. Two trams got hit by lightning this morning. As I walked past the train station in the city this afternoon, the cars were having to drive incredibly slowly, because the water was flooding the road - the water level was up to the top of the tyres of some cars. Amazing!

Um, what else? Oh yeah, starting 2 Jan, I might be doing collections temporarily, for a property company, till I find something full time. I've done it before, so it doesn't bother me and I know it won't be forever. I have a meeting with the company tomorrow, so I can be introduced to the people I'll be working with. I'm not sure why they're doing that, but if it means I get the job, I will meet anyone they want. They're also paying me way more than the going rate. The lady from the agency - boy does she need a Christmas present from me - told them that I was to be paid a certain rate, because that's what I was worth and they said fine.

Oh, and my dad has been down here the last couple of weeks, so I've hung out with him a couple of days I haven't worked. That's been good. He's doing Kokoda next August and I think I'm going to go with him if I'm physically and financially fit enough. That would be an experience!

I'm sure there's more, but that's it for now. I'm tired and need some sleep.

Competitive

I have discovered the joy of purchasing items on e bay. I have worked out that it's because the few things I have bought are things I won't stress about if I don't win. I bought a heart rate monitor watch that counts calories and does other nerdy fitness stuff. It was only $16 and works really well. I was going to buy a full size skeleton (oh, yes I was!), but no job and never ending bills means sticking to things that are actually a priority. Besides, I can get a set of bones in a month or two when they're an actual tax deduction. I digress...

There is a weights bench I'm bidding on now. It's only $20, as opposed to most of the other benches that are selling for $150+. It doesn't bother me if I don't get it, but a minute ago I was outbid - by a whole 50c. I'm going to bid a couple more times then let the dude win. If I can't have it, at least he'll have to work to get it. Yes, my shifty streak is showing. I blame it on being seriously overtired.

The tiredness is due to a late phone call last night from my study partner, that he was coming to my place to pick me up so I could stay at his place (with his girlfriend, two kids, her brother, two dogs, three cats, fish and a snake....) and we'd study for today's tests. To say it wasn't really productive would be putting it mildly, but we did get some done. I got to sleep around 1am. It was so hot I was awake at 4.30am, so I got the books out again. By 5.30am I was ready to sleep, by 6.15am I was getting my clothes on to have breakfast.

Needless to say, my brain wasn't entirely engaged for our first assessment and I made some dumb mistakes. Still, I managed to do more than pass, so I was not too unhappy. Having said that, I was always going to be annoyed if I got less than 100%. Oh well. I did well in the major practical assessments.

Two more nights, then we have a much needed two week break. The first component of our course is over and I'm so ready to move onto the next part. This is where it is going to get fun.

But now? I'm going to lie on the couch and watch tv for all of the ten seconds there will be before I fall asleep.

On course

This whole study business is hard work. It's been a while since I've had to think so much for such an extended period of time. And just when I think I've got it under control, I have to think more about something I have no clue about.

Having said that, I'm having fun. That is, if you call doing a boxing boot camp at 8.45pm on a Wednesday, in a city park, fun - which I do. Granted, most of us wanted to die (or throw up, whichever happened first) about half way through, but we felt good for finishing afterwards. Last night, I discovered I strained my neck and could hardly move it all day today, but that's the price you pay. It was fun. Really. In a painful way.

I spent all of Thursday with the full time students, in order to catch up on last Saturday's class, because I'd been sick. O-M-G. To say I now fully appreciate my class so much more, would be an understatement. Their class is too big, they talk and interrupt constantly, they don't listen. I could go on. I may as well have just read my course notes, because I barely absorbed anything the entire day. Concentrating was about impossible.

My class? Cohesive, co-operative and we work as a team. We've been told now by three of our instructors, on separate occasions, that they're impressed by our class and how we support each other, as well as the way we interact as a group. Today, we were told we're the most professional class as well. Yay us! :-)

The funny thing about my class is that the majority of us are competitive, but we're completely encouraging of each other as well. We did a mini circuit in class before our assessment this afternoon. It didn't take long till we were totally out of breath, sweating and trying to outdo each other, but at the same time, encouraging each other to do even more. It felt good - it feels good - to be in such a positive environment.

We finished the session with a practical assessment and I kicked arse in that, too, with full marks. Leigh and I almost deafened each other by accidentally tapping on the stethoscope (used with a sphygmomanometer) while we had it in our ears. Who knew those things were so loud? Geez!

I'm happy with, and surprised by my progress so far. A couple of people have said they think I'll top the class. I don't know about that. I'd like to, for myself, but I don't know if I want the pressure of everyone else's expectations on me as well. Our first exams are next weekend, so I'll get a good indication then, I suppose.

I can still hardly move my neck and head, but I have things to do and a house to clean before some people come over tomorrow. Nothing that a few pain killers won't help me accomplish.

Why square is better than stiletto

A small, square heel is a much better option than a stiletto when you're running late for your tram to an interview, and you're walking fast and do not want to break an ankle in the process.

You have a minute till your tram comes, so you put down your folder, handbag and jacket while you wait. The tram comes and you get on, take out your money, buy a ticket, then realise you left your folder at the tram stop. As luck would have it, at this moment, the tram stops again. You need to make a split second decision. Do I keep going to my interview and hope my folder is there when I get back? Do I jump off the tram?

I took option two. People must have thought I was nuts, getting on the tram, buying a ticket and promptly getting off again. Drivers by must have thought I was a tad odd, running down the street in my thankfully only 1.5 inch high square heels, two and a half blocks back to where I started. I could see a guy going through it (it had my address and photo inside), but he put it back before I got there, so I said nothing. Ten seconds later, the next tram came and I got on, sat down and started taking in oxygen again. The interview went well.

Other interview news. One gave the job to a person already working for the company. Another was offering about $15K less than my minimum. The third is too far out from the city for me to conveniently get to my course during the week, so they made the decision it would be too much trouble for me. Eh, whatever. I got calls from three agencies yesterday, so things are looking alright ...for now.

Ah, I remember now...

My, I suppose you could say study partner, in my course, is 24. He's a nice guy and we work really well together. His gf is 29 and between them they have 3 kids (2 hers, 1 theirs). Yeah, I know! She's also doing the course, but she started later than us, full time at another campus, for various reasons.

L sent me an email the other day thanking me for some information I'd given him. In the email, he asked how old I was and if I was looking for someone, because his 25yo BIL is looking for a gf. When I got that email, I laughed. It's been quite a while since I was asked that question.

He's a genuinely very complimentary guy, my study partner, and apparently told his BIL (called Adam, of all names!) that he knew I was around 30, but looked much younger than that, and I'm the smartest one in the class. You can see why I like the guy, right?

Three things happened. I changed phones last week and all my numbers didn't come across to the new one. L sent me a text early in the week and I thought it was from his regular number. And I received the email he sent me late on Friday night when I was feeling, and being really sick, so I didn't reply.

Saturday morning, I was too sick to go to class, so I replied to the text message he'd sent me earlier, thinking it was his phone. His gf replied, so I thought she just had his phone at home. We exchanged a couple of messages about me making up the class I missed with her full time group on Thursday. L only told me tonight that I'd actually been sending messages to his BIL's phone, not his. BIL got all my messages about how old I am and how much throwing up I'd been doing. Lovely impression, huh!

It's funny. It's flattering to get kudos and a glowing recommendation as a potential 'date' (oh, how I really dislike that term) from a 24yo guy who, as he says, hardly knows me. It's nice. But it reaffirmed my desire for this next period of time in my life, at least while I finish my course, to be a boy-free zone. I've never been so unmotivated to be in a relationship of any form in my life. I don't have the time or the inclination.

But...having someone suggest that I might be a good person to go out with, even if I don't want that right now...is a nice feeling.

Summer

It's warm today. Nowhere near really hot, but warm enough. T has stayed in the main lounge area playing video games all day. I've watched chick flicks and studied in the front lounge. All the blinds are shut to keep the house cool. One cat has ignored everyone and slept in my bedroom all day. The other stayed with me till she fell asleep and rolled off the back of the couch. She didn't think it was as funny as I did. It did prove my point to my housemate after he scoffed at me for being worried when she lies too close to the edge of the balcony. If she can't manage to stay on the couch, there is reason for concern.

By the end of the week, it's going to be a lot hotter. I may have to walk around with ice packs strapped to my limbs. Mmmmm ice.....

I'm a bit slow sometimes

I know by now that when I'm stressed or worked up, even if I don't consciously acknowledge it, it shows in my body. Logically, I know how the body works (or doesn't work) when you're stressed, and how that causes problems. I put on weight. I get sick. I remember how unwell I got when I left my last job. For the last month, I've had hayfever, sinus problems, bronchitis, headaches, fevers, the lot. It all culminated on Friday when I was so cactus even ice packs on my head couldn't cool me down, and I spent the night throwing up. I know this is my body getting rid of all the tension and negativity - and some really nice food, ha! (My housemate, typical guy, went out for the night, coz he wasn't sure quite what to do with me. To his credit, he did tell me to call his mobile if I needed anything. Apparently, "kill me" wasn't on the 'anything' list.)

It's taken me until today to say to myself, this is what my body does every single time I try to power through situations without cutting myself some slack. By last night, I felt better than I have in a while. I'm tired, and worried that if I exert myself I'll bring the headaches right back again. But I studied for three hours last night and that's something I haven't been able to do since I started my course.

Now that my body has done it's purging, I'm excited by a complete change in fitness (because there's still plenty of work to be done there!), job and lifestyle. All I need is to get a job with a salary I can live on for the next few months and the rest will work itself out.

In the meantime, can someone tell my abs to stop hurting. Muscle memory should only have to apply to pain from exercise and throwing up ain't exercise in my book.

Out with the old, in with the new

It's rare that I get political. I don't subscribe to much of what any of them say. But I have hope that we've now elected a leader who actually 'gets' what's important to the average person and will do things to bring about positive change.

I liked this article today.