Blast from the past

When I moved down here in 1996, a guy moved in with me as a housemate. Before he even moved in, I knew that we'd end up together. I can't explain why, but sometimes I just know stuff like that. He moved in and we were together 7 years.

I haven't seen him since I moved out, even though we've continued to live literally 5 minutes apart from each other (except for the time I spent living with C, far away from anyone), and our friends are still the same. Till this afternoon.

I was just two streets away from home, got into a turning lane to do a u-turn and he's the car in front of me, also waiting to turn. B-i-zarre feeling! Before I even pulled up, I knew it was him, because he has quite a distinctive looking car and I know the number plates. I'm 100% positive he would have seen me, but I looked anywhere but in any direction he might catch my eye. Why? I'm not sure. I just felt really strange.

I always knew there was the possibility of that happening (or bumping into him at the shopping centre). Didn't expect it to be doing a u-turn two streets from home. I certainly turned my music down and shut my mouth - I know how loud my music is from outside my car and that's enough to get anyone's attention! :-|

Despite the odd sensations, the first thing I thought as I drove away..... Gee, good thing I washed my hair today and had it down. Glad I look ok!

Eh, sue me, at least I'm honest!

Shopping for analysis

More dream interpretation. Had this one a couple of days ago, but I don't recall much of it at all, which is unusual.

Shopping Cart
To see or use a shopping cart in your dream, indicates that you are reaping the rewards and benefits of your hard work. If the shopping cart is empty, then it suggests that you are coming up empty in some endeavor or plan.

Store
To dream of grocery or convenience store, suggests that you are emotionally and mentally strained. Alternatively, you may be brainstorming for new ideas or looking for the various choices out there for you.

Tell me this....what am I supposed to interpret out of it if I was in the shopping cart? At least, I think I was. I know there was some other stuff in there at some stage, but I think I was too.

Blurring the lines

Nothing like handing someone a knife, showing your gut and yelling, "stab me"...all the while hoping the person won't....

The lovely Sara, in her infinite wisdom, said that I should agree to a request from my Fearless Offsider to read my blog. It's one thing to know the insanity that is me at work, (and let's face it, after 4 1/2 years, I am insane). It's another completely to also read my sometimes incoherent ramblings here, and be subjected to double the dose.

I think Ian is the only other person I know in real life who reads here, but we 'met' here, so he knew what he was getting into when he decided it was safe to hang out with me.

I've always been fairly opposed to using other peoples' full names here, which is why my Fearless Offsider has been so dubbed, although I'm sure nobody really thought that was his real name. ...Except now that I think about it, Fearless Offsider could be the name of the side kick to another ficticious character Ian and I created - Peter Pansy, passive superhero, flower shop worker and tanning salon owner....but that's another story.

So I've decided today to give the link to my blog to L. It's one of those weird vulnerability moments - there's a lot of stuff on here I don't talk about except on here - all the family stuff, the counselling for adults with fuct up childhoods, the crap that went down with C, and other general brain dumps and musings.

L, I am trusting you'll read my ramblings for the purposes of good, not evil...anyway, I know you will. If you share anything, I'll just have to kill you, but I'm sure you'll understand. :-p

Geez, now I really am gonna have to find another job...

Turning green

I went to bed irritable last night, woke up irritable, then stupidly decided it would be a good idea to venture to the shops - at lunchtime. O-M-G! I hate the stores at the best of times, but today I was reminded of the insanity that comes with the Christmas season. I will do ALL my Christmas shopping on line and venture to the supermarket after 10pm. It's truly the only way I'll make it through to next year unscathed.

Irritability, combined with an overwhelming sense to kill a few shoppers who felt the need to ponder what they were doing at the shops in the centre of the aisles (people - figure out what you want BEFORE you leave the house, don't wander about aimlessly, pissing off people who may find it within themselves to do you bodily damage if you suddenly stop in your tracks in front of them!), ....where was I...? Ah yes,....irritability and aimless shoppers had me heading directly into Darrell Lea for some chocolate comfort of the highest level.

Way too much rocky road later and I was feeling ill. The remedy for feeling like you've eaten too much chocolate, I've found, is not to eat more chocolate. I was content, because hey, eating chocolate makes you content. But I was ill.

What's a girl to do? Me thought peppermint tea wasn't going to cut it. Too sweet. Green tea, I thought. I'll get me some of that and I'll feel better. So off I went to the supermarket.

Here is the part I should point out that I don't particularly like things citrus. Keeping that in mind, I'm not sure what possessed me to buy the Lipton Green Tea with Citrus. It said it would cleanse me and I really needed cleansing. Why I didn't get the regular green tea sans citrus, I don't know. Somehow the extra citrus made me think I'd be more cleansed.

I made myself a cup. It tastes a little like regular green tea, but mostly, it tastes like a rotting orange. I thought I'd get used to it, but to the end of the cup it still tasted like rotting orange. Rotting orange that's been sitting atop someone's compost for a few days...in the sun.

So what am I doing now? Eating rocky road to get rid of the taste in my mouth. Yup.

And later, no doubt, I'll be drinking that peppermint tea to settle my stomach...

Time keeps running away

"They say timing... is everything
But nothing you control
'Cause there's always tomorrow
But tomorrow never knows..."
(Anastacia, 'Time')

There's a cool breeze coming through from my courtyard. It's been pretty hot today, but a change is coming through and I'm sure the noise my Chinese chimes are making outside is going to start annoying the neighbours soon. To me, it's always been a peaceful noise.

Funny how things work out. At about the same time this year as last year, I've met someone who's had an unexpected impact on me. One was 40 minutes away. The other is 4,000kms away.

A lot of contemplation and reflection has been had by me in the last few weeks. How did something that appeared so right go so haywire and become something so wrong? How could something that appeared to be nothing turn into a potential 'something'?

It was with sadness and relief that I moved out from C. I felt like I'd failed and it was hard to admit that things didn't work out. I know it wasn't my fault. I know he did things and became a person I would never have imagined and that those are the things that should make him toss and turn at night, not me. I know that now. At the time, it was just embarassing to have failed - again. More embarrassing that it happened so soon. More embarrassing because it started out looking like it was going to be something spectacular - and because I'd never considered it would have an end date.

But it did and I moved out and was glad to have my independence back....glad to have my self back. When I signed up on match, it was for two reasons primarily. The first was pretty simple - an ego boost. I expected a couple of people to email me, but I really didn't think anyone would be interested in me. That's how down on myself the last 6 months had made me. I also wanted to get a social life again and I made it clear on my profile that I was looking, for the most part, for people to just be social with - go for coffee, movies, bowling, whatever. I didn't really care as long as I was getting out of the house.

T emailed me, despite my insistance that I wasn't going to correspond with anyone who wasn't local. I thought for a long time before I responded to his first email, then I was pretty evasive for the next week or so after that. "Too busy." "Can't chat now." "Will write more later..." Poor guy didn't get a real conversation out of me for a while, but I give him kudos for perserverence....

I knew I liked who he was and thought he was a nice, genuine guy who I could be friends with. But I didn't want to like him more than as friends. I thought it was too soon to like someone else. I thought I wasn't ready to like someone else. I thought everyone else would say it was too soon and I shouldn't like someone else. I thought everyone would tell me I needed time on my own. I thought I was too damaged and the walls I'd built were too high. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it if I let someone get close and it all went pear shaped. And a few weeks ago, that was still the case, so that last one was a real concern.

I'm not sure how or why, but when I eventually admitted to myself that the poor guy was easy to talk to and I wanted to talk to him more, I didn't even think of those worries anymore.....well, not as often.

And a few weeks have passed, he's been to visit, and we got on better than either of us expected to. To be honest, prior to him coming here, I don't think either of us wanted to like the other in the way that we were starting to. We had the same fears, but they originated from different places.

Since then, we've had the most honest conversations I think I've had in a long time. There's something almost liberating in being completely honest with yourself and with someone else. It eliminates a bunch of fears and questions and anxieties, because you no longer have the worry because you know. And knowing - upfront - saves time and energy, whatever that knowing may bring. If it's good, you move a step forward. If it's not so good, you bow out graciously and start your recovery...no fears from maybes or what if's. You're able to accept the situation and act accordingly.

I'm learning that acting on a situation is a whole lot easier than worrying about it, because in worrying about it, you do twice the work - you worry, then you have to act anyway, whatever the outcome.

And that brings me back to time. When is enough time to start something after the last one has ended? When is enough time to allow yourself to open up and be vulnerable? When's the right time to say what you feel? Show what you feel? When is it the right time to start defining things with statuses? When do you know "this is what I want"? When do you know you're going to be safe to simply be you?

When do you realise it doesn't have to be so damn complicated all the time?

T and I have had talks about timing - where we've come from and where we're at now. In some respects we've moved forward quickly. In others, not so quick. But it doesn't really matter, because it feels like it's the way it's meant to be. Distance is playing a factor, and it will continue to be a factor, but time won't. Because we're happy with the choices we're making now. The rest doesn't matter, because now is all there is.

Timing shouldn't be a thought process. It should just be what it is. It's hard not to quantify and put limits and restrictions on ourselves with regard to how we think we should think/feel/act/be. We should just be. And we should be ok with that. Because...

"They say timing... is everything
But nothing you control
'Cause there's always tomorrow
But tomorrow never knows..."

The dead are dancing

I haven't had an intense dream in a while. It occured to me the other day that I've had pretty peaceful sleep lately, which is a nice change. Till last night.

My dream was so vivid that I had to turn the light on and I couldn't get back to sleep. The unusual thing about it was that I had it within a few minutes of getting off the phone with T. When I woke up, less than 10 minutes had passed since I'd talked to him. Tis one of the lovely idiosyncrasies of a sleep disorder - none of this going through sleep stages stuff - cut to the chase, get straight into the dream, and wake right back up again.

So, I'd just gotten off the phone, turned off the light and got comfy. The room was dark and all of a sudden, the grim reaper was at the foot of my bed, kneeling on my bed. He was shrouded completely in black and where his face should have been, there was darkness. Nothing. I was lying prone, with the covers up over my shoulders and my arms in front of me, but by my side. He moved further up the bed and pinned me down, using his legs, either side of me, disallowing me to move my arms. I couldn't move at all. Then he put a pillow over my head and tried to suffocate me. I remember thinking that I wanted to scream, but I didn't have the energy.

I don't know what woke me up, but even when I put the light back on, I couldn't breathe and I was sure the whole experience was as real as day. I felt like he was still in my house. I didn't call T back though, because me freaking out would have only served to freak him out and it's not like he could have done anything anyway. It was just a dream...

And here's the key word analysis...

Die

To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation.

Grim Reaper

To see the grim reaper in your dream, signifies the negative, rejected aspects of your personality. It represents aspects of yourself that you have repressed. Alternatively, it symbolizes death or the end of something.

Suffocating

To dream that you are suffocating, signifies that you are feeling smothered or oppressed by some situation/relationship. Something or someone is holding your back. You are experiencing stress and tension.

Scared

To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence. You may be feeling a lack of control. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.

Scream

To dream that you are screaming, symbolizes anger and fear. It is an expression of your powerful emotions which you have kept pent up inside.If you try to scream, but no sound comes out, then it suggests that you need to immediately confront some situation. Perhaps you are unable to pinpoint your fears or feelings.

Movement

To see slow, difficult movement, indicates a fear of failure. Something is holding you back and preventing you to take chances.

Bed

To see your bed in your dream, represents you intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. If you are sleeping in your own bed, then it denotes security and restoration of your mind. You are looking for domestic bliss and peace.

So what's it all mean? I think it has nothing to do with T and everything to do with work, my boredom there, my need for change, and figuring out how to get my Cert IV sorted out (I am being met with constant road blocks). It also has to do with things I want to be doing, but am not and cannot be doing yet. The feeling of those things being in sight, yet not being able to reach them yet, is an incredible frustration...and it's making being at work even more difficult, because it's so obviously not what I want to be doing.

It's apparent I needed a brain dump. I knew I was stressed. Just didn't realise how badly. I stayed home from work yesterday and slept most of the day. As I've been typing this, it occured to me that the need for that sleep and rest was probably related to the dream and a need to de-compress, even if it was just for a day.

Funny how your brain manages to tell you stuff, no matter how much you try not to tell yourself. If you don't listen to yourself, the Grim Reaper's gonna come in the middle of the night to try to suffocate you.

Literally a wake up call for me.....

Sticks and stones

I wonder if the gifts one gets given are an indication of who that person is, or an indication of who other people think that person is.

One of the teachers found a weapon made by some students today. He gave it to me. It's a long piece of wood, with a carefully carved spike on one end, with wire around the bottom half of it. Pretty painful if you were to end up on the wrong end of it. This teacher knows me well, because he knew I'd be impressed. I kept it on my desk and pretended to stab everyone who came to close to me.


















And these are the rocks that T gave me. One has natural 'folds' in it and the other has flecks of gold through it, which I hope will show in the photos. That piece is from a mine in Timor, about 800 feet under ground (I think!).




































It's official. Gone are the days of flowers and chocolates. Gimme sticks and stones and I'm one content gal.

I shoulda been a caveman....er, woman.

Car trouble

The drive to and from work usually sees me singing at the top of my voice, the entire way there. Yes, I'm that dork next to you!

I stopped at a set of traffic lights this morning, in the middle lane, minding my own business. I couldn't decide between a cd or the radio, so the car was quiet for a change. Then I heard it.

Bee-beep! Beeeep! Beep Beep!

I checked in my rear view to see if it was the guy behind me. Nope. Is the light green? Should I go? Nope.

Beep! Beeeeep-beeep! Bee-beep!

I was starting to get irritated. Maybe it was a truck that just went past. Maybe someone cut him off?

And the beeping went on and on. Finally, I turned to my left to see an old lady in the car waving frantically at me. Huh?!

Now, I've obviously heard one too many horror stories. My initial reaction was to turn and look in the back of my car to see if there was an axe murderer lurking there, just waiting to get me, if some frantic little old lady didn't warn me first.

Really! I turned around expecting to see some dude with a carving knife in my back seat. Could it be that perhaps I have an overactive imagination?

So what was the real trouble? The woman wanted to know what intersection we were at. Never mind that she had me starting to worry that I was going to end up on the news. She needed to know what street we were on and she needed to know NOW.

I swear I'm keeping my music turned up always from now on.

Cliff hanger

The photos finally turned up today, so here ya go!
The smaller kangaroo on the right is the girl, the bigger one at the back is a boy.














This one was taken from our front porch where we stayed.













Mackenzie Falls, Grampians National Park


















As you do the climb from the bottom of the mountain to the Pinnacle, you go through a section called the Grand Canyon. According to T, the rocks are all layers and layers of sedement from fast moving water, maybe a tide, millions and millions of years ago. Yep, got a history and geography lesson along the way too! Being in the centre of the state, it's hard to imagine it was all sea years ago.













This was the part where I was saying rational stuff like, "Don't go so close to the edge! A gust of wind will come and you'll be swept to your death!" Yeah....think positive!














This is the Pinnacle. I refused to go out on that ledge. There's pretty much nothing under the part you can see - it's an outcrop. T was standing on nothing to take that shot. I was trying not to throw up.

Age shall not weary them

Whoever said that was definitely not talking about me. I'm not that old, but I'm weary.

I was sitting in the office of one of the administration women this morning. I like going to see her. She always says lovely stuff about how I look, despite the fact that I dress like a bum to go to work. This morning, she commented on my hair and asked if I'd noticed it was healthier since I'd changed my diet. (For those of you who've been here a while, I haven't been to Dr Fun-killer in months, but I still pretty much stick - kinda - to the advice he gave me.)

I mentioned that the last time I went to the hairdresser he'd told me I had some grey hairs. WTF?! I told him, "I don't wanna know about it. Get rid of them! Do whatever it takes! Pull them out one by one if you have to. I don't want grey hairs!" He laughed, ignored me, made me blonde again and I went on my way.

Administration lady asked me how old I was. "Thirty three", I replied.

To which she said, "Oh, you're young! You shouldn't have grey hairs!"

I really don't know if that made me feel worse, or better. I'm still deciding.

Prime Time

I had an interesting weekend. In fact, the previous three weekends have been hectic in their own way too. I thought this would be my couple of days of solitude and regrouping (and typing a whole lot of blah for my course).

It hasn't turned out that way. Three weeks ago, I had lunch with a guy friend and he was telling me about a mess he'd gotten himself into because he'd met this fantastic girl, but hadn't quite broken up with his ex - and neglected to mention it to the new girl, who promptly received a phone call from ex girl. Mmm, it got complicated for a bit. Anyway, no mention was made of names, but I offered my ever-sage advice and went on my way.

During the week, a girlfriend who I rarely see, and who I should really invest more time into my friendship with, sent me a text message to ask if I knew someone she'd started seeing and did I still work with him. (She's the one in the pics below, who I went out with on Friday night.) I replied yes, I knew him and he was a friend of mine. She said she was 'sort of' seeing him.

It turns out that my girlfriend had met my guy friend and they'd started seeing each other. Small damn world huh?

During the week, I also sent a text message to the girl who was my next door neighbour (and who still lives next door to C), and asked if she wanted to catch up over the weekend. She said yes, and we met on Saturday for lunch, then went out on Saturday night to see a movie. We saw Prime. Hasn't had the best reviews, plot is predictable from the start, and the acting is a bit over the top. But is was light and funny and some good one-liners kept us amused. We steered clear mostly of any talk about C. Right now I don't care what he's up to, nor do I want to put her in an uncomfortable position, considering she relies on his help occasionally to do 'guy' stuff for her around her house.

It was just nice though, to be socialising again with the only two single female friends I have.

I had some moments of insecurity after I talked with T on Saturday night. "Why does he like me? What's he want from me?" type thoughts. Strange that when we're happy we start to doubt it, and cause ourselves to think negatively for no good reason. But he sent me a message when he left Hobart, then another one when he got to Sydney, to see if I could get on line to chat. And I did. We talked about me going to see him and he told me to book flights. Shortly afterwards, he had to board his next plane to Adelaide, so that's where things were left.

Anxiety was pretty high as I searched for and booked and paid for those damn tickets to go see him. Thankfully, I had a nice afternoon in the park with Ian (and Ian, you should write something about that questionaire dude, coz you're funnier than me). It was a convenient distraction and probably saved me from having the panic attack I may have had, had I had the afternoon sitting at home to think about it all. I think I have to thank young Ian by inviting him out some place with my single female friends.

A day later and I'm still nervous about having booked my flights. I can't really put my finger on exactly why. I guess I just didn't expect to be in this position, whatever that is, with someone already. It's nice that I am. I'm just not letting myself be comfortable with it, but I really should. I'm happy. That's all that matters, right?

Er, did I mention the part on Saturday night where my cat started throwing up all over my doona cover and on my doona, attempted to throw up on my clothes, then proceeded to throw up all over the floor in the lounge room? No? Ugh, well she did. And I spent from 3am to 5am washing my bedding and cleaning floors and trying not to throw up myself. I wasn't pleased. I thought it was only people with kids who had to deal with nights like that.

Later this week, I'll be booking our tickets to Lindeman Island in January. Now that is an anxiety attack just waiting to happen.

Life certainly isn't boring around these parts lately. :-)

(Oh, and I still haven't posted pics of our trip, because I don't have them yet. He sent them on Wed, but it seems Australia Post are trekking them across country by camel instead of by air.)

Recipe...... bearly coherent

Ingredients:
One constant flow of vodka and lemonade
Two girls who haven't seen each other in months
Nothing for dinner
One inadequate camera phone
One post-socialising blonde who can't get to sleep
One very good reason not to blog at 3.14am
Some rain
And a bear.

Mix together and you get this...


































































































Note the dark circles under my eyes! G'nite! :-)

Apathy

Something is wrong with me. I am bored at work and uninspired. Not the regular type bored, but complete and total inability to feel the need to do anything. At all. I have so much to do. I c-a-n-n-o-t bring myself to do anything that I really do need to get done.

I am tired and apathetic. I need a change. A big change. I need to not be here anymore. It's not what I want to do. It's not what I like doing. It's what I'm good at and that's what got me here.

Now I need more. But that 'more', whilst I've figured out (for the most part) what it is, is not financially viable right now. I feel stuck.

There's a part of me that acknowledges that it's mostly due to things that are going on now and that once they're over I won't feel the pressure I'm feeling now. But I'll still have that apathy. I get no satisfaction in what I'm doing here and I feel almost like I'm dumbing down.

I need to use my brain and feel constructive and like I'm contributing to something with some measure of worth. I'm getting restless. I haven't felt so restless in a while.

I need a major change. What that is or how I'll achieve it, I don't know. I just know it has to happen soon.

Meanwhile, I just don't know how to force myself to do what I need to do to walk through the 'now' of everything. I've lost all drive and motivation.

I'm not depressed. Not at all. I'm simply incredibly restless and need everything in my life to be new. The question is exactly how does one make that happen?

Spidey senses

This morning I walked into a spider web. I didn't realise at first. Why my hair suddenly stuck in the same spot while I walked away, I hadn't figured out, till I turned around. Yeah, think about it...... I was standing in the back of my carport, felt something in my hair, thought I'd just spun around too quickly and my hair didn't move as fast as the rest of me (well it could happen!), and yet I still turned around to see who or what was behind me.

That's when I saw the web. A big web. Big webs usually mean big spiders. I'd put a decent amount of hairspray over my head, so I was sure I had some foul, ugly beast stuck to my skull and just waiting till I got in my car and drove away, so it could crawl down over my face and send me barrelling into someone's fence at full speed.

Yes, if you've been reading a while, you'll know I have this little arachnophobia thing happening.

I checked about ten times in my rear vision mirror and couldn't see anything, but I was sure it was there. But onwards I went, remembering to check my head before I got out of my car when I got to work. The last thing I wanted was to take the (obviously invisible) evil spidey into my office. Luckily my paranoia was just that.

But the whole incident reminded me of another spidey saga I had a couple of weeks ago. I'd bought some outdoor super-strength-guaranteed-to-kill-anything-with-more-than-four-legs stuff and was waiting for the right time to let loose with it around the courtyard and back door, because I'd had a few unwanted crawly visitors and I wasn't impressed.

I walked into my bathroom and this dirty great black spider was sitting there taunting me. "Oooh", I said, "Time to test the spidey killer stuff. Your days are numbered buddy!" So I grabbed the spray, aimed and fired. Spidey froze, shuddered and continued on his way as if nothing happened. I sprayed again. Spidey looked at me. "Is that all you got?", as he approached me. It called for drastic measures, so I got closer and sprayed till his big fat black body looked like it was dressed in a fluffy white coat.

It was then that I realised that this spray was not this spider's kryptonite. In fact, it seemed to be making him bigger, stronger and meaner. I swear the more I sprayed that bastard, the more defiant he became. I'm sure I saw him putting on his boots and leathers at one stage. I can't even explain how much of that damn spray I subjected him to before he curled up and died. Sure I could have killed him with a shoe, but by that time he was bigger than my shoe. Really!

T thought I was exaggerating. He called while I was fighting spidey and couldn't really understand why I was fussing so much. That was until he got home on Monday night and found that one of mutant spidey's friends had travelled across the country with him. "It was big, black and one of the more ugly spiders I've seen", he says. "Mmmm", I nod and think to myself, "just be glad I didn't spray it with anything, or it would have been carrying your baggage, not just travelling in it".

Meeting - part 3

The thing about living in two different time zones is that when you actually get together you're still living a little in two time zones. To make sure we got up in time to check out when we were supposed to, T set the alarm on his phone....which just happened to be three hours behind what the real time was. You can imagine how fast we woke up when I looked at the clock and realised we had to be packed and out of the cottage in an hour, not having eaten, tidied or packed at all. We pulled it off though - talk about team work!

I decided to take a different route home so that T could see a bit more of the state. I drove up through Stawell and through part of one of Victoria's wine regions, although we didn't stop at any wineries. We did check out a wind farm. I don't see how anyone thinks they make the countryside look bad. I'd prefer a few of these things in my backyard than a dirty great mine that uses fossil fuels. I think wind farms look quite impressive. (Did you know each blade is about 9.6t and is made from wood and epoxy? Now you do!) Unfortunately, we couldn't find a road close enough to get a photo and we didn't want to go traipsing over private land.

I needed fuel, so we decided to get petrol in Ararat. In most country towns you'll find a petrol station on the way in and on the way out. Not in Ararat. There were lots of closed down petrol stations and a whole bunch of car repair workshops, but do you think we could find somewhere to get petrol? Nnnnooo. Talk about stupid. We drove past one petrol station on the outskirts on the way into the town, but figured we'd stop on the way out. That plan didn't work, so we ended up having to navigate our way back to where we'd come from just to get fuel, so we had our own private scenic tour of the township as well.

Meanwhile, we'd driven past a lookout. Having been let down by most of the things to look at on the drive, we were dubious, but we decided to go back and check it out. Turns out my fear of heights also applies to roads that are basically a thin piece of ashphalt up high, with mountain edge on either side. My stomach turned as I drove up that damn road. Just as well that I was going slow though, because a mother kangaroo with a joey in her pouch jumped right out in front of the car and straight down the other side of the mountain. The view at the top was almost worth the stomach turning, but I was glad to be able to drive back down again.

After we managed to re-aquaint ourselves with the one and only damn petrol station in Ararat, we headed off again and I took a detour home through Daylesford, where we had some lunch and checked out a great little bookshop on a lake, watched some ducks and took some dorky photos of ourselves.

We got back to my place at about 6pm and pretty much passed out till just after 7pm when we had to start getting ready to go to the airport. Both of us were pretty quiet for that last hour. We arrived at the airport a little early, so we had a quick coffee before we went to the gate.

I can't really describe that feeling. We were both happy that we'd had such a great time, sad that it was over and apprehensive/anxious about what comes next. That bit is still yet to be determined, but it looks as though I'll be the one on the plane in a few weeks time.

I'm not too proud to admit that I cried when he left. It was hard and I was sad that the weekend was over.

Both of us are nervous about where this is all going to go, but I think we're willing to just keep plodding along to see how it all plays out. It's a scary concept to venture into something again, for both of us. At least the positive side of the distance is that it'll force us to take things slow and I don't mind that right now.

So there you have it....mildly condensed, but pretty much how it was. I'll have photos in a couple of days so I'll post them when I get them.

And now....I gotta go make a phone call.... ;-)

Meeting - part 2

We bummed around and did a great deal of nothing on Saturday morning. It was a slightly overcast day so we took our time getting ready to venture out. We'd decided to go to Mackenzie Falls, but on the way up the mountain we encountered some cyclists in the middle of a road race. We reached Silverband Falls first (although they weren't flowing as much as in that picture) and took the the opportunity to go there and have the cyclists out of our way for the rest of the drive.

There were a number of people at both falls and the sky was pretty cloudy, which wasn't the best for taking photos, but T took a few. We sat for a while at the bottom of Mackenzie Falls till it started getting a little cool, then dragged ourselves back up to the top. The information suggest that the walk is 'easy'. The walk down is easy. The walk up is steep and tiring and warranted the purchase of icecream when we reached the top, despite the cool temperature.

It was early evening when we thought we'd go find something for dinner. We'd seen a pizza place and ordered a couple to take back to the cottage. While we waited, we took the chance to wander around the town. There were mobs of kangaroos everywhere, including large males and mothers with joeys in their pouches.

As it turned out, the pizzas we ordered were ridiculously big and we could have had one between us with some left over. We sat and ate them with beer (him) and Baileys (me) on the porch of our cottage and watched the resident mob of kangaroos feeding, fighting and generally doing what kangaroos do at dusk. Watching the big males fight over the females and watching the females basically ignore any advances or give the males a nice slap in the face for their efforts, was pretty funny. It was a bit like watching guys trying to pick up in a night club but having no clue how to impress a girl at all.

We woke up a little earlier on Sunday morning, but still managed to procrastinate until lunch time. The weather was a lot warmer and it was a perfect day, which was great, because we'd planned on doing the walk up to The Pinnacle. Talk about organising things perfectly. If you're gonna travel with a geologist, you take them to a place that's just abundant with waterfalls, rocks and ancient rock formations. I had the best day and got a free geology/history lesson as well.

Last time I did the hike to The Pinnacle I was a little scared in some of the more precarious parts of the climb. I was much more composed this time, although I admit I didn't go out to the edge when we reached the top and my stomach was turning just watching T and some other people go out there. Sorry, but an overhanging cliff face that's not much more than a couple of metres across is not my idea of fun. Particularly when you're with someone who can tell you roughly which bit of ledge looks like it will be the next to tumble the few hundred metres to the ground below.

I did gather my nerves long enough for us to take some photos on a ledge where I didn't feel like I'd be swept over the edge to my death with the first big gust of wind. T has all the photos, so you're going to have to wait patiently till I get copies.

Because the weather was so ideal and there were no clouds we thought we'd go back to Mackenzie Falls to take photos of the waterfall in the sun. Considering we'd just walked a few hours up and down a mountain, I think it was mostly adrenaline that inspired us to do the falls walk again. Down wasn't so bad. Going back up was pretty painful. But he got the photos he wanted, so it was worth it.

Sunday evening was spent eating left over pizza and partaking in more kangaroo watching. I'm surprised I didn't fall asleep in the spa afterwards. My whole body ached, but the spa and copious amounts of Baileys rounded out the day rather well. (That's till I started getting my chest pains - stupid heart problem! - and got sent to bed.)

Day 4 will be the next installment...

Meeting - part 1

I'll have to do the last 4 days in parts, otherwise the post length could get ridiculous.

Thursday night was a bit crazy. Did some last minute cleaning and organising. T sent me a text from the airport to say he was boarding the plane. I drove to my girlfriend's place to give her my spare key so she could feed the cats while I was gone. When I got home half an hour later, my phone went off with T's ring tone. Not a good thing to hear when he should have been somewhere above the clouds by that time. Luckily it was just to say that he was on the plane, but they just hadn't left yet.

I expected to meet him at the baggage claim, but it appears we still let any old person into the boarding lounges here, so I got to sit and wait for him at the gate. I didn't feel ill or nervous till his plane arrived. And it sat there. And sat there. And sat there. Nobody was getting off. Eventually, the doors opened and people started pouring out. He was one of the last to come through the door. I think we had a total of about 3 seconds of feeling unsure (although that's not even the right word to use) before we relaxed. Talking each night for an average of three hours for the three weeks prior helped a lot! It was just strange that he was there in person. I don't think we actually let go of each other till we got in my car. It felt a bit surreal, like if we weren't touching it might not have really been happening.

The drive home was easy. My cats, who are scared of everybody, liked him straight away which was really interesting, because they don't normally warm to people immediately. One of them is very protective of me though, and she spent most of the time either carrying on for attention or giving him the most guilt tripping 'who are you and what do you think you're doing to my mother?' look. I haven't seen her behave like that before, so it was pretty funny.

For all the organising I managed to do, I didn't get around to packing my clothes till the Friday morning, and we left just after lunch time. I drove straight through to Ballarat, which is one of the more cold places in the state, especially in Winter, and bought some lunch. In mid November though, we didn't expect to be damn cold and having to wear sweaters.

From there, we drove through Ararat then on to Halls Gap in The Grampians. The drive was easy and we talked the entire way. In fact, I didn't play one cd in the car for the whole four days. Quite amazing considering I can't normally go too long without listening to music.

We got there early evening, checked into our cottage (just as well we got on really well!), unpacked the car and went out to dinner in a nice little restaurant in the town. The only bummer with that was that his meal was a little too rich and made him slightly ill, so the rest of the evening was pretty sedate.

I think I must have looked like a dork most of the time, because he said I was smiling a lot. I just hope I looked happy rather than slightly mentally unbalanced.

So that's the first 24 hours. More to follow...

Ooh, ooh, I forgot to mention something. I think I already said in a previous post that he's a geologist. Instead of bringing me flowers, he brought me two really cool pieces of rock with gold in them. Ok, so that might not impress the majority of people, but I think it's unreal. I like more unconventional 'offerings' like that. Way better than a bunch of flowers and will last a lot longer too.

Who am I?

E, over on DragonKisses, did this birthday calculator thing not so long ago. I always wonder how much of this type of stuff is 'scientific' and how much is just fluff, but they always seem to be fairly close to the mark when it comes to summing up different aspects of who I am. So now I'm going to bore you with some of the deeper details of (apparently) who I am.

(It's also probably a subconscious stalling mechanism, because I'm still trying to formulate how much and what I want to say about the last four days. It's in my head. Just have to make some sense of it all.)

What my birthday apparently means

You entered: 8/7/1972
Your date of conception was on or about 15 November 1971. (Really, this is not something I want to think about too much.)

You were born on a Monday under the astrological sign Leo.
Your Life path number is 7.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2441536.5.
The golden number for 1972 is 16.
The epact number for 1972 is 14.
The year 1972 was a leap year.
As of 11/14/2005 6:17:03 PM EST
You are 33 years old.
You are 399 months old.
You are 1,736 weeks old.
You are 12,152 days old.
You are 291,666 hours old.
You are 17,499,977 minutes old.
You are 1,049,998,623 seconds old.
You are 4.75616438356164 dog years old. (You're still chasing cats!)

Your birthstone is Peridot.

The Mystical properties of Peridot
Peridot is used to help dreams become a reality. Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Sardonyx, Diamond, Jade

Your birth tree is Poplar, the Uncertainty
Looks very decorative, no self-confident behaviour, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organiser, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

The moon's phase on the day you were born was waning crescent.

What my name apparently means

There are 10 letters in your name.
Those 10 letters total to 50.
There are 4 vowels and 6 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 5
The characteristics of #5 are:
Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.

The expression or destiny for #5:
The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.

If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.

Your Soul Urge number is: 2
A Soul Urge number of 2 means:
With the Soul Urge number 2, your motivation is centered on friendships, partnerships, and companionship. You want to work with others as a part of a cooperative team. Leadership is not important to you, but making a contribution to the team effort is. You are willing to work hard to achieve a harmonious environment with sensitive, genial people.

In a positive sense, the 2 Soul Urge is sympathetic, extremely concerned and devoted. The nature tends to be very sensitive to others, always tactful and diplomatic. This element in your nature indicates that you are rather emotional. You are persuasive, but in a very quiet way, never forceful. You are the type that makes really close friendships because you are so affectionate and loving.

If this number is over-emphasized in your makeup, you may be over-sensitive, with a delicate ego that is too easily hurt. You may be timid or fearful, too easygoing for your own good.

Your Inner Dream number is: 3
An Inner Dream number of 3 means:
You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.

Departure - gate 11

The last four days could not have been better. By tomorrow afternoon there'll for sure be an essay posted here with all the details. We had a fantastic time.

I was perfectly fine till he boarded the plane to go back to Perth. Ms Tough-exterior held it together quite well. Then I was alone and cried like a baby all the way home.

I never expected that.

Steel birds and on edge nerves

Four more hours and I'll be picking up T at the airport. I've had a ridiculously insane week, but didn't have many irrational doubts until yesterday. They passed relatively quickly. Till just now...

Me: So how you doing?
Him: Yeah good. Woke up with a few nerves, but I'm fine now.
talking, talking, talking...
Me: Well, I better let you go so you don't miss your plane.
Him: Ok. Just think...we'll meet each other for the first time in person soon.
silence....
more silence.... (picture deer in headlights look)
Him: Hmmm I shouldn't have said that. I realised as I heard myself saying it.
Me: No, you just freaked us both out...

No doubts. Just a large dose of, "oh my G-d, I can't believe I'm doing this!"

And now his plane is delayed, so I'll have even more time to panic. Lovely! :-p

On one hand, I'm ok because I am not allowing myself to have too many expectations. On the other hand, of course there are expectations. It's keeping the balance that's going to be the fun bit.

Just wait till Tuesday! I reckon I'll be typing an interesting post on that day!

Ok! I' m outta here......to go spend 4 days in the mountains with a complete stranger from the other side of the country. Wish me luck!!! (or him! Ha!)

Hair on Fire

It’s been a crazy time in my world lately. Work has been insanely busy, although I feel like I’ve achieved hardly anything at all in the last few weeks. I know I’ve done a lot, but I seem to be constantly putting out fires and fixing old work when I should be starting new work.

From now until at least the second week of December, I will have hardly a moment’s peace. Not too much of a bad thing, because it’ll go quickly. But I realize I’ve put incredible pressure on myself in trying to get my Cert IV completed at the same time. If I’d have known exactly what was involved in completing it, I wouldn’t have chosen my busiest time of year to go ahead with it. I always said I liked a challenge, but this is looking to be bordering on ridiculous now. In any normal job (see: if you’re not working in a place that shuts down for 2 months over Christmas), I wouldn’t be so pressured. Working here, I am. It’s a long story. And I’m tired.

Yesterday I had to consciously bring myself back to a sense of sanity. I’ve been looking at the entire picture and bundling work and my coursework and my assessments and all the various deadlines into one big mind-f*ck. I’ve turned into a crazy person and dear Lord, the amount of chocolate and garbage food I’ve been eating! Rid-IC-u-lous!

Anyway, I’m more at peace today and feeling like I can tackle things if I just concentrate on a day and a task at a time. I went to my ACoA meeting last night and was able to vocalize a lot of what I’d been thinking and, in the process, obtained a better sense of clarity about it all. In doing so, I also inadvertently gave a sense of comfort to someone else. To hear that, was a humbling moment. It was nice.

Outside of work, a ton of stuff is going on too. Good stuff. Positive stuff. Hopefully I’ll have more time later today or tomorrow to talk about it, because I really need to get it down and out of my head.

I spent last Friday to Sunday with my girlfriends on our annual weekend away. Normally, our weekends involve lots of drinking, dancing and generally making fools of ourselves. This year, we went to the beach and we spent most of the time watching girl movies (Only You, Love’s Brother etc) or just bumming around in the sun. Life has been hectic for all 5 of us lately. None of us had the energy to misbehave. Next year will be different. It’ll be our tenth annual weekend away and we’re going on a cruise! Woohooo!

T, the boy from Perth arrives tomorrow night and he’ll be here till Monday night. The time has flown by so fast and I feel like I’m completely under-prepared for him to be here. It hasn’t been the usual rushing around and fixing myself up, as you’d expect. I am going to the hairdresser this afternoon though, but I’d need to regardless because I’m starting to look like I have a racing stripe down the middle of my head and that’s a pretty unbecoming look at the best of times, especially when you’re blonde. No, the rushing around I’ve been doing is things like buying maps so we don’t get lost, pumping up the tyres on my car, checking my oil and water, getting my car washed and weeding my garden. Mmm, I’m an unromantic chick sometimes!

I can’t really describe how I feel about the interpersonal side of things. I’m excited and I have some expectations, but I haven’t let myself get caught up in that a whole lot. I just don’t want to think about it. Better to just see how things play out in their own time. Not long till I find out anyway.

I have another major piece of news too, but I’m going to leave details of that until I can actually post on line, rather than via email, because I can’t edit my emailed posts at the moment, since I can’t get onto blogger at all except to read. I’ll just say for now that I’ve started the ball rolling on something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I’m going to follow through with it and make it happen. It’s different to what I’d originally planned, but I know it’s what I’m supposed to be doing.

Ok, that’s it for now, I think. Gotta get back to work!

Just a note also to say that I'm doing my best to work out how to beat the net fascists who've determined that no more fun is allowed at work (well, really they just have no clue what they're doing and are subsequently screwing up our internet access). I can read peoples' blogs, but I can't open or respond anywhere where someone uses pop-up comments. Risible Girl, I can't get onto your blog at all. :-( Right now, I also can't even email posts to my blog, which I suspect has a lot to do with me not being able to access blogger.com. This is gonna test my ability to get around the 'system', but we'll see how we go!

Testing from blogger for Word

Let’s see how/if this works…..

Ok...this is good. I can't get onto blogger from work at the moment, which has been a pain, because there's lots I have to say.

Anyway, now, hopefully, I can still post despite the net fascists at work.

Family - part 6

Oh, where to start?

My eldest sister has felt the need to copy or try to 'one-up' me for as long as I remember. I was going to study music, she was suddenly 'in a band'. I was considered doing psychology. She decided she was going to do that, "but you were going to do that, weren't you?" I broke a toe, she needed a foot amputated (ok, that one's an exaggeration). I got a good job. She had a better one. I got a good job in IT. Next thing, she's Bill Gates' advisor. I get diagnosed with narcolepsy and she develops a sleep disorder that's oh so much worse. And the latest....mum's obviously told her I'm doing Cert IV (training and assessment) and oooh looky, miraculously, she's found a job with a training company and woop-dee-doo they asked her to be a trainer and work her own hours and they're going to pay to train her because she's soooo damn awesome.

What's that saying? Imitation is the best form of flattery? Well, I don't need flattery from a woman who is a hypochondriac, self absorbed, hypocritical, lazy arse, manipulative git who is also 12 YEARS OLDER than me!

A few years ago she ended up in hospital, pretty ill. She's severely overweight, doesn't eat well and probably still smokes. She does nothing to help herself out of any predicament that she gets into (other than lie and deceive and use false names (see: MY name), but that's a whole other post). I've listened to her sob stories for so many years that when she went into hospital that time, I had no reaction at all.

Sad thing is, I had the same reaction when mum went into hospital a couple of years ago. I flew to see her at the last minute. Every minor ailment is blown out of proportion (although moreso by my sister than mum). It's hard to tell when it's serious. I didn't know till afterwards just how close mum had come to not being around anymore.

Months ago, my sister called me one afternoon and told me she was bleeding internally. "Why aren't you in hospital?" "Coz B isn't here to take me." "Isn't that what ambulances are for?" "Oh, but I can't go because....yada yada yada."

Last night she rang and told me that she had been rushed by a doctor to get some scans and things done 'urgently', and she's seeing a surgeon on Monday, because something has ruptured inside her from her last operation and she has a huge hole that could kill her within 24 hours if it gets worse (yeah, mum told me that bit). My reaction? Hhmmm...well when someone tells me she's prepped for surgery, I might have a reaction. Not till then.

The best bit? My sister has convinced my mum that the surgeon is going to say she's gonna fall off the face of the planet on Monday if she doesn't have surgery within the week. This means mum is planning on coming down here next week and, "will you be around?"

Hellooooo! I have this technical issue of a boy who's going to be here on Thursday! (Who I inadvertantly sent into a tailspin because he thought I was going to cancel on him.) I told mum it would be prudent to wait to see what the surgeon says before she buys last minute plane tickets, when it might be that my sister is slightly over-emphasising whatever medical issue she has.

Oh, I'm sure my sister has got something wrong with her. Anyone who lives so unhealthily is bound to have illnesses. Just how bad they are...that's the part that's up for debate.

So it seems that my life is going far too smoothly. I'm happy, I'm getting on with things, I'm earning a damn good accreditation, I'm going on a trip tomorrow with my girlfriends and T is coming here next week. It just goes without saying that somehow, some way, after not having contact with me for months (oh yeah, she's the one I had the furniture saga with!), that she's back in my face, trying to bring me down.

It's not going to work!

And if mum does come down next week. Well, if she is contemplating spending time here, then she might get a surprise when I say I have to go out on Tuesday night. "Oh, what for?" "Ah, you know, just my 'Counselling for Adults Who Had Fuct Up Childhoods'." That'd be an interesting conversation, don't you think?

And to think I got drunk last night. It must have been pre-emptive!

See ya Monday!

Mathematics

port + typing = this post

hot weather to the power of 4 glasses of port = this post

typing - capacity to think straight = this post

the square root of a stressful day = this post

divide 4 glasses of port into 90 minutes = this post

And because it's just additional useless information... my horoscope for the other day says....

The stars are smiling on you, for just as a Venus/Pluto conjunction in your romantic sector makes this one of the hottest times for love, Mercury, planet of communication, moves into the same sector of your chart. Once a year he spends 3 weeks revamping your concept of love and creativity. This year he's making you a special case, because he's going to stick around for 2 months. This bodes well for love and romance.

No wonder I have minimal luck with boys. I only get three weeks a year to get it right. Wonder if Mercury is just feeling sorry for me, or he thinks three weeks isn't gonna cut it for me this time, which is why he's gonna extend it to two months. Be nice if he gave me the lotto numbers too...

9 days till T gets here. Strangely, it's not freaking me out.

Now, where's my glass....??

Puddles

It's hot here today. Yesterday was too, but today is hotter. Tomorrow is going to be hotter still, but 'they' (whoever 'they' are) say it's going to rain in the afternoon.

I'm not used to it being hot. I'm used to it being cold. I'm used to wearing layers. Today I just want to take my skin off and sit in an ice bath.....if I had a bath.

Two days of warm weather and already I'm feeling it. That's not good. I hope I adjust soon or I'm not going to be pleasant to be around.

Why is it then, that regardless of the discomfort I'm already feeling, I want pizza for dinner? With extra cheese and hot salami? Maybe the heat is already making my brain melt.

Meanwhile, to prove I can be an absolute baby of a girl sometimes, I cried when Makybe Diva won the Melbourne Cup today.