What next?

4 more days! That's all I had in that stupid stinking townhouse with the awful landlord and what happens? We're packing up boxes into my car. The car is in the driveway at the BACK of the house, the garage door is open, we can see through from the front of the house, out the garage door. C sees a woman checking out the dog next door, comes inside and leaves a box on the back of my car (which, I might add, is on an angle and almost inside my garage - which opens to the kitchen), while we pack up my stereo.

Not a few minutes later, we go back outside and the box is gone. This woman has gone all the way up the side of the house and practically into the house to take the freakin box! While we're there!

ALL MY SENTIMENTAL STUFF was in that box. A present from my Christening, things I collected in Vegas, special glassware, collectibles, a present from A for Christmas...just 'stuff' that means a lot to me. And now it's gone. Thankfully, some stuff didn't fit in the box, so I still have the one and only photograph I have of my grandfather. But my christening cup was really the only 'family' thing I had since my mum's engagement ring got stolen last time my house was broken into, so now I have nothing. (Yeah, I know I'm not close with my family, but I still had that one thing that meant something to me.)

So of course, C feels bad and like it's his fault. It's not. It's the fault of the stupid woman who's lucky I didn't see her do it.

I'm so angry and sad and disappointed and I don't think C knows quite how to handle me. Well he does, he's just giving me space to calm down and I understand that. I would too! He made me get out and go for a walk with him for just under an hour and I was fine, but now that I'm home, I'm mad and sad again.

It just sucks. Any other week, any other box, I mighta been able to handle it better, but right now I seriously wish I had a punching bag. Bring it on, I say. Pity the person who manages to upset me next.

Dentist on Friday, docs on Tuesday.

Seriously, was I having too much fun, or something?

Remember me?

First of all, to anonymous, who asked about the woman who sent the email re my dad's website. Yep, it's a scam and don't do business with her. I sent my dad a copy of the email anyway, and coincidentally, my step-mum remembered the woman's name from an article in a local newspaper about that type of scam.

As for me, still got stuff going on and trying to get another doc appointment. Life should begin to appear something like normality by mid next week. Right now I'm seriously about to go insane.

And the verdict is....

.....there is no verdict, yet.

I went to the docs and explained all my symptoms and that I wanted to see a gyno. He gave me a preggo test - the first I've had in yeeeeaaaars - and it came back negative. I think I sounded too pleased when I told C. LOL As some of you know, my biggest fear/phobia is to be pregnant - just the thought of it being a possibility probably made my symptoms worse! LOL On the other hand, C told me a couple of months ago that if that were to happen, it'd be a 'joyous and momentus occasion'. Ha, yeah right! :-p

The good news is that the doc doesn't think it's anything urgent that needs to be worried about immediately, but I do have to go see a woman doc sometime in the next week, then depending what happens there, see the specialist a week or so after.

So, no idea what's wrong yet, despite the doc running a few tests already, but he's not concerned and was reassuring enough that I didn't feel the need to push for a specialist appointment earlier than two weeks. We'll just see how I go and if anything changes, we can revisit the plan.

And there ya have it. I just have to hurry up and wait. The joys of being female, huh?

Thanks all for the thoughts and the emails. I really do appreciate it.

And was that anon comment from Rich?? If so, I'm sooo glad you commented. Been thinking about you. Take care of you!

Fear

My boss' secretary is having a hysterectomy today. She's gonna be off work for about 7 weeks or so. Each time something happens to someone else, it reminds me about my own problems. I'm due to have a full check up.

And it looks like I have reason to have one.

I'm not going to go into details on here, but shit I had to get it out somewhere, because I don't have anyone to call. Besides, I can't have a decent conversation at work anyway.

My body's been aching for a week, I've been tired and emotional. And just now, something else added to my concerns. I'm sitting here at my desk trying really hard not to panic and fighting the urge to cry. It could be nothing. I have a feeling that it's not.

I'm scared.

Head On

We saw the movie Head On about a week ago. I meant to post about it at the time.

A marriage of convenience in Hamburg between two troubled Turks changes both their lives in this fine, gritty, contemporary love story. Director Fatih Akin dives deep into Turkish culture and explores the slippery slope of identity and cultural pride faced by Turks who either move to or are born in Germany. Winner of the Golden Bear at the Berlin International Film Festival.

The movie was funny in places, sometimes violent, and focusses a lot on cultural pride and expectations. I liked it, because it made me think a little. I disliked parts of it, for reasons of my own.

What annoyed me, though, was unexpected. Sibel Kekilli, who plays Sibel in the movie, was previously a porn star. I spent the entire movie with that thought going through my head, simply because she looked so unlike my stereotypical perception of what a porn star looks like.

I liked her, though. It was an intense role she played, and I think she did it well.

The only rather odd bit of the movie (other than the whole movie itself) was the little bit of English spoken at the end. It just made no sense, considering the rest of the talking throughout, was in German and Turkish.

Interview #2

Not sure why I bothered with this one. The guy irritated me from the start. He was arrogant, patronising, and worst of all, hadn't even read my resume. He actually asked me if I could type and if I knew MS Office. Um...can you read? I think I can handle being your damn assistant and typing a few letters and answering a few phones. Gggrrrr!

I know I won't get it, and again, I don't care - but in a different way than the last interview. In fact, I was so mad when I left, that I was going to write them an evil email about exactly what I thought. But when I got home, A made me sit down and watch him play on his game boy for a while, so I had to calm down.

I applied yesterday for a way cool position with interstate and international travel. I showed C and he said I wasn't allowed to go overseas. Hehe, that's just because I told him he's not allowed to go away to Sydney for work for a week in April. Well, it was more like, "Noooooo" and a big pouty expression. Ha, I can send him to the shop I bought all those clothes from and he can pick me up some more.

Anyway, the one big problem with this position I just applied for is that it's on the other side of the city. Further away from home than my current job. About 90 minutes through city traffic. Soooo....I did a bit of research (coz I'm a geek and I do that) and I found there is a guy who works for that company out in one of the outer suburbs, so I'm thinking telecommuting might be an option a couple of days a week. I could handle that.

Cross your fingers for me, coz I want this one!

My old self again

I was still riding on the high of Dr Fun-Killer's news yesterday when I went to the hairdresser. That was until I sat down and my dear hairdresser, Michael looks at my hair and says, "wow, you've got some silver ones there!" Noooooooooo! "Pull them all out - now!", I say. "Ah, but you won't see them when I'm done."

Now, here's the thing. Obviously, I had none just over three months ago when I last went to him. You do the math. How long have I been with C? Huh, huh? So, I'm thinking, this isn't good. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time and still I'm going grey! In fact, I've gotten grey in such a short time, what's to become of me in the next six months? Then I mention that my hair's been coming out a lot lately (yeah, long hair does that) and he responds that lots of his clients have said that recently. "All my clients are going bald", he quips, "I'll have to become a head shiner instead of a hairdresser". "Yeah, well just make me look good while I've still got mine, would ya."

And he did. He gave me what he calls 'party hair'. Made it a little wavy and I had two people separately say I looked like Drew Barrymore in Charlie's Angels. Pity I'm old....and grey....and my boobs aren't that big.....

Who needs money anyway?

So I finally decided what to buy him for Valentine's Day. Took me ages to work out exactly what I wanted....then they didn't have it, of course. I ended up spending a bit over three times what I expected to, but hey, I don't really care.

I really wanted to get a pair of Waterford Crystal sherry/port glasses, which were really pretty. I ended up getting 4 red wine goblets. Eeep! At least now I have ideas for future presents - I can just collect the rest of the set.....when I've saved up again!

Interview #1

Just for a good impression, I turned up late. Of course, all week, the traffic has been fine and I've gotten a good run home. As it turned out, I left work a few minutes early, got around the corner, and the traffic was s.t.o.p.p.e.d. I rang and said I'd probably be a few minutes late and they were cool with it, but I hate being late for interviews.

The guy looked not unlike Mr Miyagi from the Karate Kid, but without the facial hair. The position is really a pretty basic, straightforward secretarial role....something I could do with my hands tied behind my back in addition to a whole other job. In between asking me about my family (siblings? what do they do? where are they? etc), he told me about the job.

He has no computer in his office at all. I found this rather unsettling. Then he told me he doesn't know how to use one at all and can't even send email. He hand-writes everything and his secretary is to type it all out. Ok. He's the MD of a technology distributor. Hmmm.

The hours totally suck. It's 8pm to 6pm, with a possibility of it being closer to 7pm Mon-Fri. Can I just say a big, emphatic NO.

He asked me what salary I was looking for and I told him the truth (knowing I might have to resuscitate him). "Well, that's a bit on the high side." Yes, thought you'd say that. "What's the lowest you'd accept?" Now this is the clincher. You go lower and you're basically admitting you don't think you're worth the money you're after. You don't go lower and you pretty much put yourself out of the running for the position.

"Well, I know it's going to sound awfully conceited, but that's as low as I'd go." Hold my breath.

He says that's fair enough. Hmm...reasonable guy.

I doubt I'll get the job. Honestly, I don't want it. Those hours suck and I'd be bored out of my brain. At least I got some interview experience and I got to meet Mr Miyagi. Shoulda gotten his autograph...

Interview #2 with a legal firm this afternoon. I'm gonna ask them for more money. What can I say? I like to live dangerously. ;-)

Stench from the drench?

I posted last Friday about the amount of rain we had last week. Because I was away from work the day after, I didn't know (at the time) that part of our school was flooded. We are situated on the banks of the Yarra River and part of our land is floodplain. The river rose so high that the water was up to hip height in places near its banks - and damaged cars and expensive rowing equipment, among other things.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post. I think I've mentioned previously on here about various smells we get eminating through our air conditioning in this building. We've had diesel fumes and gas fumes on more than one occasion. It gives us headaches and can I just say, 'health and safety nightmare'. True to form, nothing much ever gets done about it.

Today, it's sewerage. In our office, it's revolting. It's seeping through our airconditioning like something out of Ghost Busters. Silent, invisible, insidious. It's making us sick. Outside the office it's even worse.

Maybe it's just me, but I can't help but be aware of the fact that we have (in this section of the school alone) 1,400 teenage boys. If I was a parent, I can't say I'd be all too pleased with the fact that the air outside is enough to make even a dung beetle pass out.

So what's causing it? Well, there are two opinions on this. The first is that the Kooyong Tennis Courts got flooded last week and the water didn't drain away, so now that they're draining it, and that's the smell. I personally buy the second train of thought. That is, workmen were digging in the school grounds and the plans didn't show two sets of pipes, so they burst them when they dug. That, to me, would explain the degree of stench. Seriously, water that has sat for a week on synthetic grass tennis courts does not suddenly start to smell like sewer water.

But it's much easier to blame it on something that happened down the road - coz then nobody has to do anything about it in a hurry - and they have no reason to send us home before we all start to pass out.

Anyone on their way to the store? Can you pick me up some clothes pegs please. I need something for my nose.

Michael Jackson has the right idea. He just gets around in a mask all day. I should do that.

OMG, I just realised I'm going to have to go to my interview this afternoon literally smelling like shit. Greeeaaaaat! Wish me luck!

This is us

These were taken two weeks ago. It took A a while to get the hang of taking the picture, hence the stupid look that makes my face look fat. I wasn't ready.

Anyway, this is the only photo so far of me and the boy. A was over it all by the time we took the photos, so that explains the look on his face too. :-p

And Ian, sorry for all the algebra, but for reasons I can't go into, I can't say their names on here. Well, I probably could, but it's easier not to, just in case. Editing everything later on, if I had to, would be a bitch.

Dr Fun -Killer rocks

Don't ask me how I forgot to mention this earlier, because it totally made my day.

I was at my regular appointment with Dr F-K last Saturday and not only had I lost another 2kg in the past two weeks (that's just about 10kg, or 20-something pounds since I started in October), I've also lost about a litre of water from my cells. Doesn't sound like much, but apparently it all adds up when you're talking about cellular activity. Which brings me to the best bit....

He did a cellular activity test, which measures your physiological age against your biological age. At almost 33 years old, I now have a physiological age of......

***a 20 year old***

I almost did cartwheels out his door! So I told C he's now got a 20yo girlfriend. He's so lucky! Ha!

Logistics

Here's a situation that I'm trying to keep my opinion out of, primarily because I don't have a solution.

C has A every second weekend. A lives with his mother over an hour's drive away. C picks him up on a Friday afternoon and drives him back on a Sunday afternoon.

A happens to be very good at gymnastics and has been invited to join a squad not far from where he lives with his mum. This is great, because the kiddo obviously has some talent and he really enjoys it.

Here's the problem. The squad trains every Saturday from 3pm till 5pm. A's mum is not working at the moment (just finished school), so C has been doing all the driving. It's just not practical to do the hour plus drive there and back three days in a row. Not to mention, he won't be able to take A to see his cousins/grandparents, who live an hour or so in the other direction from us.

It's hard. I know C is not happy and some kind of compromise needs to be reached, but it looks hard to come by right now. You want to do the best by your child, and A must show some sort of promise in order to have been invited to join the squad. But what's a parent sacrifice for their child? How do you weigh up other things the child is missing out on (time with his dad and extended family), against participating in a pasttime he really enjoys?

Rings and other things

In my last post, I said C had mentioned the 'M' word. He woulda been damn cluey if he saw my split-second 'deer in the headlights' look at the time. I guess I just don't let myself think in those terms - it's not real till it's real, and as long as I'm happy where my feet are, all is well. It's a motto I'm trying to live by anyway.

Yep, I've been asked to do the 'happily ever after' thing by others before - not ever with any sparkly bling attached to the question, and nor have I ever agreed to it, either. It's something that's a little hard to get my head around. It's as scary and overwhelming as it is comforting. I don't expect it to happen any time soon, though, but since y'all seem to think it will, it's reason enough for me to comment on it.

My brother, who's 31, is the only other one of my siblings who's never been married. He's lived with his girlfriend for over 5 years now. C asked me why they're not engaged/married yet. It was hard to answer that without sounding like I'm negative on the whole deal as well. The fact is, my brother and I have watched everyone in our family end up in bad marriages that ended relatively quickly, so it goes without saying that we'd be more wary and cautious about entering into a marriage ourselves. I understand my brother's reservations without him having to explain them to me, but it's hard trying to articulate that to someone else.

On one hand, I could live happily with C without being married - because then I wouldn't have to deal with my fear of being married (and all the expectations that go along with that), but, like I told him very early on, I don't want to be someone's long term girlfriend either. Ha, maybe being permanently engaged is an option? ;-) (You know that's a joke, right?)

All I can say is that I'm pretty stupid happy right now and not much else than that matters, really.

In other news, I've started really looking for other jobs, closer to home, and I have an interview on Thursday afternoon. Ironically, it's 5 minutes away from where my current townhouse is....now that I've just moved 30 minutes away from there. Wish me luck anyway...and hope they don't have heart attacks when they hear how much money I want!

So he says...

"...but I wouldn't expect you to contribute to ..... till after we're married...."

More on what I think about that tomorrow. ;-)

And yes, R, well picked up on the comment I made. Ha! :-D

Oh, and for those of you who read the board, d'ya remember I said we were looking at furniture one day and sat and had a good talk on one of the lounges in a store we went to? Well, M said in her reply we should buy that lounge. We did today.

Crazy weather

Melbourne is renowned for its strange weather. One minute it can be sunny and warm, the next, you're freezing and trying to stay dry. For this reason, I have learnt to carry a spare pair of shoes in my car, a small towel and a sweater or jacket. But this week, our weather has gone completely nuts - moreso than usual.

Earlier in the week it was about 33C (91.4F). The next day, it dropped down to 13C (55.4F). Then it got windy...and rainy. Then it just got totally crazy. It started raining at our place at about 5.30pm on Tuesday afternoon and didn't stop the entire next day. In fact, it got 100 times worse. Turns out, Wednesday was something like our coldest February day on record and the wettest in 150 years.

The wind was like nothing I've heard before. Actually, there has been one other time when I was living with my last housemate and we had to get up at 2am and sweep our back verandah so the house didn't flood, but I'm sure it wasn't as bad as this week.

By 3am the sound of the wind was like a freight train and by 7am I knew I wasn't going to work, because my car would have just been blown about on the freeway and I had a nice headache forming too.

I got up when the boy went to work and we noticed the laundry was all flooded, so that was tidying job number one for me for the day. Later on I noticed the water had come through the front door as well. More mopping...

Right now we have a couple of inches of water still in the backyard, but we were lucky we got no damage to our cars, our house, or ourselves - although my car now screeches like anything if I reverse, so something's obviously got stuck somewhere, so I'll have to get that sorted.

C was out till late last night doing volunteer work for the State Emergency Service, helping people with damaged rooves ("A roof almost fell on me" Great...!) and others who's living room had been flooded. Makes me proud of him that he does things like that.

Here are some photos I found. They're pretty amazing. Like this one.

Hard to believe, but there's a tractor under the water in these photos.

It's Summer here. It's supposed to be hot, but we've had the heating on for the past two days. At least the sun's out now.

Caution - girl brain

The boy is an emergency services volunteer. The last couple of days we've had the worst storms in 150 years...so he didn't get home till late last night, after helping to fix peoples' houses et al, due to rain/wind damage.

I don't know what came over me, because I'm normally not all housewifey and domesticated, but I sent him a message that I'd make him his dinner anyway and I'd keep it for when he got home. It was getting pretty late, so I decided to pack it all up so he could take it to work today for lunch. When he got home, there was a nice little container in the fridge waiting for him. And I'd done all his washing and some grocery shopping. (Well, I stayed home yesterday - long story I might update on later.) Really, I should have been getting around with an apron around my waist. I felt so Stepford-like. :-p

(Oh yeah, this is all after I mopped and cleaned up the laundry and front entrance after it flooded from the rain!.)

Anyway, he got home and we sat down on the lounge together and he started reading the junk mail catalogues....from jewellery stores.

Him: It's only 11 days till Valentine's Day
Me: (thinking) shit, even I didn't know how many days to go.
Me: Oh.
Him: (flicking through the mags) So, what do you like best? Yellow or white gold?
Me: (thinking) holy shit girl, don't get over-excited.
Me: I think I prefer white gold.

I have to point out, at this stage he handed me one catalogue he finished and, after looking at it for a bit, I admitted I really didn't like anything much in it at all - most of it was too froo froo for my liking. However, I did explain what I do like and there was one ring similar to that style.

I have engaged my logical/rational brain and am putting it in place for the next two weeks. I don't expect anything. Honestly, if he were to send me flowers at work, or something equally mushy, I'd be over the moon.

But, come on! Does he not know that any talk of rings around Valentine's Day is gonna send a chick into emotional chaos? Sheeesh!

hehe...I'm just impressed he knows how many days there are to go.

Subter.com is now live!

Go check it out!

...errr, Brad, I know the link is correct, but it's not going to the first issue??

Dressing for success

Like I said in my last post, I was playing dress ups last night. I don't do this often, because I'm really not a dress ups kinda gal. I generally don't do 'girly' stuff. But I'd bought all those clothes on my trip to Sydney, so I figured I'd try them all on again to see how much adjusting they all need (since most are trousers and I'm going to have to take them up in the legs and in at the waist, because nothing ever, ever fits me right).

I bought a dress. Let me just say here, I honestly cannot remember the last time I had a dress. I do have some skirts that I rarely wear, but I've never been able to get a dress that fits me. I'm really quite small from the waist up, with narrow shoulders, but I can be up to a full size bigger from the hips down, depending what the item of clothing is and how it's made. So dresses just do not fit me. If they fit right on my top half, they're too small around the hips. If they fit on the hips, they fall off the top of me. Either way, not a good look.

Imagine my surprise when my girlfriend picked out this slinky red dress for me to try on...and it fit....nicely! I have no idea what the material is (really soft, clingy, stretchy stuff?), but it makes me look half decent....especially now that I have my abs back somewhat.

Assuming the boy and I go out for Valentine's Day, I'll wear it. He's never seen me in anything but jeans, so I'm sure he'll like the change. The problem is me. Well, I have two problems. I do own high heels. Last time I had to wear a dress (13 August last year - should show you exactly how often I wear a dress ha!), I had to borrow a girlfriend's shoes, because I could only find one of each of two pairs of high heels I own. I need to find my shoes!

The second problem is that I'm so self conscious when I wear anything that brings attention to myself. Being blonde haired and blue eyed and generally 'petite', part of being me means that people look at me. I really dislike it. Honestly. It makes me uncomfortable. I used to get followed home from work, people touch me, people make comments. I'd just rather go unnoticed. This is part of the reason I tend to wear only jeans and less girly types of clothes.

I know I can look damn good in a dress or a skirt, with my hair done and with heels on. I just do not like people looking at me. It makes me feel like every movement is being scrutinised and I can't relax. Conversely, and probably contradictory to all I've just said, the same comments and looks are a confidence boost. I'm thankful for my looks and I know I can make myself look pretty good.....but I look in the mirror and see the person who looks like shit first thing in the morning. At least it keeps me grounded.

Ugh, I'm starting to sound egotistical now. What am I trying to say? Ok...I'm going to wear this dress out with C on V Day if we go somewhere. I want to look good for me and for him. But it's been soooo long since I've dressed up that it's also going to feel strange and overwhelming enough just for that reason, without feeling like I'm on show.

I've had plenty of discussions with Jason over the years about the negatives of being blonde, but he just doesn't get it. I suspect most people wouldn't. But it's a pain. Sometimes I really just want to blend in. Guess I can't expect that with blonde hair and a bright red dress huh?

By the way...what the hell kind of underwear are you supposed to wear with a clingy dress? And don't say none!

Does my butt look big in these pants?

Yes, I really did ask C that question last night. He said no. I know he's supposed to say that, but he'd have told me if it did.

I was trying on a pair of pants (tight fitting cords) I bought while I was in Sydney. I was keeping them to wear in winter, because they're really warm, but since the weather doesn't know what it's doing and thinks it's winter today, I decided to wear them.

I know, I know, common sense would have suggested I put them on last night with the underwear that I was going to wear today, but I'd been playing dress ups (I'll get to that later), and well, it's just easier to change in and out of a heap of clothes if you don't have to keep fixing your undies....so I had none on.

To my credit, I did squat down and ask C if he could see the not-so-sexy labourer's-butt-crack look happening. He said no. "Just don't wear a short top with them." Um....Houston, we have a problem. I don't own long tops. I don't even think I have a long sweater. I especially don't have anything like that at C's place yet. It's summer dammit. I have summer clothes. So I grabbed a jacket and said I'd just wear that all day, since I don't have a long top and it'd be cold enough to keep a jacket on anyway.

Up I get this morning and grab what I think will be the most suitable undies...a pair of black g's. All is good. The pants cover the g's. See, I'm not used to wearing low cut stuff, coz I have big hips and low cut stuff makes me look like...well, like I have big hips. But these look ok. Standing up. They even make my butt look half decent.

Then I bent over. Just slightly. Down go the pants, up come the g's. This is not a good look! There's an ad here on tv for a brand of cheese dips. A girl sends her bf out to get some. The brand is Black Swan. He goes to the supermarket and forgets the name. A girl walks up to grab some dip, bends over and her black g shows. "Ah, that's it", he says, "black thong...er....Black Swan", takes the dips from her hand and leaves. I did not want to come to work (in a school full of all male students), being the Black Swan girl.

So I'm sitting here at my desk with my jacket on, glad nobody sits behind me, having to hitch my pants every time I get up, feeling very self conscious and wondering how the heck I'm ever gonna be able to wear these trousers without a big long jacket over the top.

The best bit? They do up with a little criss-cross lace ribbon. I'm just waiting for it to come undone somehow...

Ouch

Last weekend (not this one just passed), I fell down the stairs at my place and hurt my wrist and my back. Yet another reason I didn't blog for a while. I didn't say much about it (remember I'm superwoman), but I wasn't feeling too good for a few days. Talk about my life being literally unbalanced!

To be honest, it scared me. I've had three really bad falls in my time, one where I was convinced that I wasn't going to be able to walk. So, it's not surprising it got me thinking about how I'd cope if I had a broken arm, or a broken leg, or if I hurt myself so badly that I couldn't get around for a while.

The superwoman in me knows I'd simply go into denial and pretend I wasn't in pain and pretend I could do everything like normal. But really, would I? I'm not sure. I don't really want to find out either.

Similarly, C and I were going through a set of 'getting to know you' questions the other night and one was 'lose an arm or a leg?'. We both chose a leg. I think I could be mobile enough to retain a fairly decent quality of life with only one leg, but it'd be much harder to get along with only one arm.

Either way, I'm thankful I didn't hurt myself as bad as I could have, and that all my limbs are working just fine. Sometimes it just takes something bad to happen to realise you've got it pretty good.