Some days...

....it would be nice to share the responsibilities with someone.

I feel slightly schiz0phr3nic lately. The good is really good, the not so good is overwhelming and I skate between the two moment to moment. To be honest, it's exhausting - mentally and physically.

I do not like feeling up one minute and down the next, depending on what's happened. September is my "life will get back to normal" month - that's what I'm telling myself. That's what I'm hoping.

Ya know, I had a bunch more typed out, but I deleted it. I don't want to whine. There's a big hole and I have to figure out how to get out of it...soon.

Ok, I decided I had more to say.

It really piss3s me off that I'm earning way below my potential these days. I used to have disposable income. I used to do pretty much whatever I liked. I'm really annoyed that the last job didn't work out, because all I needed was another 6 months to get a buffer. I'm annoyed that they pushed me into a corner and made me make a decision I didn't want to make.

I'm stubborn and I'm determined...but that doesn't get bills paid. Working does. I know my business will be successful. The companies I'm working with are extremely supportive of what I'm doing now and the idea I have for when I come back from K0k0d@. The feedback I've had from people who have related interests in that project is also very positive.

But I'm doing it on my own and trying to juggle doing what I have to do with doing what I'd like to do....I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I know once I'm there, the pressure will be off. And I should be in that place before the end of the year.

The last 18 months of my stupid illness getting worse, lack of proper employment, trying to build a business.... Honestly, I must be insane! I've given up lifestyle and so much more to be able to do what I want to do. I'm stubborn enough to get it done and be where I want to be.

I'm also stubborn enough not to ask for help and I know that's the downside of being me.

On impulse

I've been sitting here thinking about where I'm at and how I got here. Things are looking good and positive on the outside - I have a few clients (two more in one day this week!) and have been offered some ongoing work a couple of days a week doing something that will probably send me insane by the 3 month "Do I want to keep doing this?" date I've agreed to.

I'm getting lots of positive assistance and support from businesses I've contacted, who are working with me in various ways to help me build my personal training business. One in particular is actively finding referrals for me - and if I meet with those referrals, I can invoice the business for my time. It's nuts. And it was his suggestion. I can see us working more closely down the track, but it's good already.

The thing is, I'm also drowning...in tiredness, in responsibility, in lack of time to do [insert task], lack of money and needing the part time work, which increases the whole lack of time thing. The financial thing is just scary. All this good stuff is going on and looking like it's getting somewhere positive, but each week I worry that I'm sinking and how I'm going to get out of that by the next week.

I've turned going to K0k0d@ into a business idea that is getting really good feedback. But let's not discuss the fact that I still haven't fully paid for that trip. And I won't be working for most of August.

Yes, I'm whining....well, staying just short of panicking, really.

It will get better. I know it will. I'll just keep pretending till then that life feels as good as it looks.

(And, M, yes, I now have a page on FB!)

Oh and...

I quit my job on Tuesday. Nobody would tell me what was going on, including my bosses who you'd think would know. They didn't want to get involved with all the cr@p that was going on, which basically meant even though they had no issues with my work, I had nobody on 'my side'. So I called bullshit on the whole situation and said I had enough. I offered to stay until they found a replacement, but they didn't want that. I wasn't owed anything except leave pay, but they offered to pay me out in addition. Guilt, much?

It's weird. I'm not stressed about it at all.

I REALLY need clients now, but I feel good about things.

Getting to the heart of the matter

I'm a bit disappointed. I don't think I'll be going back for another Echo in the near future. This is a bit of a shame. It means I probably won't get to see Jarrod again. He's the guy who ran the test. Twenty-three, very nice looking, and charming. It was worth all the annoyance for that. Ha! He sent me behind the curtain to take my clothes off and put the gown on. I said I didn't see the point in going behind the counter if he was going to be seeing my nekkid top half anyway. :-D

Why do I think I won't be having another Echo any time soon? Well, someone, somewhere along the line got the message very wrong. It turns out Jarrod's 'supervisor' was the woman who did my original Echo back in 2000. They both looked at the results while I was there. Normal. WTF? Yes, there's very minor regurgitation and a definite murmur, but inconsequential. Right. So I have NO idea why I was told there was an issue all this time.

The test results still have to be reviewed by the cardiologist, but Jarrod and the other lady both agreed there was pretty much nothing to there that was anything to worry about. My doc should tell me in about two weeks. It still means the pains I get are unexplained, but I can put up with that knowing that I'm 99.5% ok otherwise.

I had a full blood test last weekend, too. My (other) doc called me on Friday afternoon to let me know the results were all good. Blood sugar levels, good cholesterol, triglycerides etc are all pretty much normal.

All this is good news, because I have to have a full medical before I go to K0k0d@ in August. Now the only hurdle is making sure I'll be able to take class B controlled drugs into P@pu@ New Gu!nea. A note from the doctor should be ok, I hope.

Speaking of 'the trek', I did an hour of step-ups carrying about 14 pounds of weights in a backpack today. My legs aren't all that sore, which is good. I need to be able to do a few hours at a time, with about 20 pounds of weight. I really do like punishing myself, don't I?

Excuse me, I seem to have lost my month

Where'd the time go?

This is a fly-by....

M will be here from 24 May to early June. I am nervous and excited.

My personal training business has had a positive boost. I'm cross promoting in two stores of a major womens' fitness wear retailer. Hopefully, that will bring lots of new clients. I NEED new clients.

K0k0d@ is booked and I've paid the deposit. Somehow, I have to find the money (or the sponsors to give me the money) to pay the balance and buy the equipment I need. In just over three months, I'll be trekking through the jungle for 10 days.

Work....sucks. Faaaar too much to explain, but the bottom line is I'm 99% certain I'll be finishing there at the end of next week. Right now, I don't care, except for the lack of income, which I really need. This is why I need the personal training business to kick off. Fast.

All things medical are pretty good. Medication is working, having some blood tests on Saturday, the heart Echo is next Friday, and my regular girl check up showed no issues (nice change there!!).

Most important current project is somehow producing all my marketing and promotional material with no money. And sponsors for the trek; that would help a lot! I'll find a way.

Hugs and all good things to everyone. I miss you and I know it's remiss of me to not have been in touch lately. Know you're all in my thoughts always.

Life in March

Things have been relatively uneventful...as much as that can be in my life.

The situation at work is less hectic, but the fires are still going to have an effect on our workload for a while. Each department had mandatory counselling/debriefing on Friday, which was a lot less hokey than expected and we ended up not being so annoyed by the 'mandatory' part. The counsellor was surprised how well we (in administration) were all coping and said we were handling things as well as could be expected.

I have unrelated issues with our female COO, which I've spoken to my bosses about. It's not an easily solved situation, but at least I've got it on record that I'm not happy and why. My role is mostly concerned with the pathology side of the business because of the roles of my bosses, not the general admin area. However, there's a grey area where I am also to support the admin managers when required. The problem is I don't have anything to do with that area on a daily basis, so I don't know what they need, or when. Added to that, I physically have my back to that area, so I can't see when they're busy....I can't know what I need to do when I don't know what I don't know. Unfortunately, my two bosses have opposing ideas about how to address my frustrations. My probation ends on 12 April and I hope to be feeling better about the problem before then, or I'll need to address it again, when both my bosses are on leave. I do not want to try to get things resolved without their support and backing.

My medications are working well, although I'm not allowed to take as much of one as I'd like, until I get another heart echo some time in May. Still, it's better than nothing and making a difference. I've been having some heart pains; enough to be an annoyance, but not enough to make me too concerned just yet. I don't think it's related to the medications.

M is coming down here from 24 May to 1 June. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it all, but we're getting on well and know where we each stand. Last night, we talked for a couple of hours about nothing in particular. There are expectations, but there are no expectations. I have been overthinking the entire scenario, but have mostly let that go now. It will be what it will be and I'll worry about that in a few weeks.

Early to bed tonight. I have a new client starting tomorrow morning. Six o'clock on a Monday morning. She's keen!

Quick-ish update on 'stuff'

So, the diagnosis as of today is "a-typical narco.l3psy with hyp3rsomnol@nce and depression". Yeah, well no wonder I'm depressed, the docs have been giving me the run-around for the last couple of months. But today, I got lucky.

It started out bad...the sleep centre told me on Monday my appointment was Thursday 26th. They didn't say anything about it being MARCH 26th. So I took time out of work, went there, found out it was the wrong day and subsequently lost the plot. I said I needed to see someone TODAY. The receptionist called a doc who was due to come in later, and got him to come to work early to see me. Yes, I like them both. A lot!

The doc actually listened to me, took a billion notes, made some phone calls and got authority to prescribe my wonderful "controlled drug". I said, "Will you please be my doctor?!" He said yes. He's told me I have to take a low dose till I go and have another Transthoracic Echo (get a video of my heart, basically). Damn things are uncomfortable, because they dig the camera in between your ribs (not fun), but hey I'm going to do whatever this guy wants. I also have to find a regular (intelligent!) GP who can do all my running around and co-ordinating for me in future. Not some idiot who puts 'epilepsy, but no seizures' on a referral coz he's not paying attention to what I'm saying.

In other news....

M (the ex-boyfriend from high school) has almost convinced me to take him up on his offer to fly me up there for a visit. I have some reservations, for various reasons, which he knows. I'll see how I feel once I've been on the meds for a couple of weeks. I told him it was all a bit too hard for me to comprehend that we'd both still feel the same after so many years. I said I'm too cynical and this kind of thing only happens in story books, not real life. He replied asking where I thought they got the ideas for the books from in the first place. Fair enough. Point taken. Still, I'm taking this one slowly. There are too many things that make anything more than friendship less than possible, but who knows. For now, I'm just pretty damn happy we are where we're at.

Work is insane due to the fires. But I can't say a great deal about it here, because it's not public knowledge. Let's just say it's crazy busy and although it's hard to deal with, it feels pretty cool to be part of it all....and knowing we're doing something good.