It could have been worse.....

Yes, I'm back already....briefly.

Yesterday was insane. For most of the day, we were wishing we'd just stayed in bed.

We woke up about 90 minutes later than we had to, to do what we wanted to do. Once we left home and drove half way to the city, we realised we'd both left our phones at home, so we drove back home, picked them up and got on our way again.

We got to the city and T ran into the camera store to buy his film. Ages later, he emerges and we drive off....only to discover the guy had charged him $850 for his film, not $350, so we had to drive back there again to get that sorted out.

Next, we got stuck in a massive traffic jam on the main arterial road south, only to get through that, drive for an hour and get stuck in another major traffic jam for ages.

Once we got through that, we thought we were fine....till a teenager two cars in front of me braked suddenly, the woman in front of me slammed into the back of him and, despite me being a safe distance back and braking as hard as I could, I went sailing into the back of her. That wasn't fun at all! Nobody was hurt though, just way shook up, but it certainly wasn't a fun moment in time.

My legs went to jelly after all that, so T wouldn't let me drive for the rest of the day. I was ok to drive, because I wasn't hurt....just didn't feel too good. And I was pissed that I'd had an accident.

Thank G-d for daylight savings. We left home around 10.30am and should have been where we were going by 2pm, but we didn't get to our destination till about 6pm. It was still so incredibly sunny though, so we managed almost 4 hours of taking fantastic photos (which I'll have to post when we get back from Tassie), before it got dark and we had to drive home....where we arrived at just after 1.30am this morning.

So instead of more touristy things today, we're off to the police to fill out an accident report, then ring the insurance company and go off to get the damage to my car assessed.

Life is never dull, huh!

Happy New Year...and a reminder...

T's going to be here in about 4 hours. I am not ready for him to be here, although I'm not sure exactly what that means - I don't know what it is that I think is 'not ready'. Except me. I've done most of my running around and organising for him and 'us'. Just not me. Never mind. At least I didn't make a huge gash in my leg from shaving like I did last time.

I think he's the only non-professional photographer on the planet who still uses a slide film camera. That means it's about impossible to find the film he needs. After ringing (and driving) all over Melbourne, I finally found one place that sells it in the city. Just one more reason he owes me a date out at a chick flick on Friday. I was, however, not stupid enough to drive into the city today. He can stop in and get it on our way down the coast tomorrow.

A reminder now, for anyone who's out braving the stores post-Christmas/pre New Year in the sweltering heat that is this city this week. WEAR DEODORANT. In fact, go one better. TAKE IT WITH YOU, because I swear, you may think that it was enough when you applied it first thing in the morning, but by the time you've run all over town trying to buy a bunch of crap that you're never going to use, purely because it's five bucks off, you WILL stink again. Just another reason I don't 'shop'.

Unfortunately, I did 'shop' today, only because I absolutely had to. $243 worth of clothes and a $50 pair of shoes I may never wear. I need a sedative! Thankfully, I made sure I could take the clothes back if I hated them when I got them home, which is usually the case. And if I decide I don't like the shoes, one of my girlfriends is the same size as me and she'll love them, so I can palm them off too. My rule - when shopping, always have an 'out'.

And on that note, I'm outta here! I probably won't be posting again till 9 January.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe New Years Eve. Take care and be good to each other.

~*~*~*~*~*~!Happy New Year!~*~*~*~*~*~

See you soon! :-)

You'd sleep with the lights on too!

I spent most of the day Christmas Eve at home by myself. I had the sliding doors to my courtyard open, and I'd gone out early in the morning to open the outside gate so the cats could go in and out....

Hmmm...let me backtrack a bit. I had gotten up early (about 5.30am) to open the sliding doors for the cats to go outside. The opening was all of about 4 inches - just enough to let the cats slip through. I was lying in bed a bit later on, and all of a sudden there was the biggest noise, like someone had pulled the blinds wide open. I literally jumped up out of bed to go look, because it sounded like someone was in the house. There was nothing there, but I remember thinking that the blinds were moving a lot and I thought it was strange since the doors were all but closed. I heard the same noise another two times, but didn't really think much of it.

Back to the gate... I had to go out, so I went outside to shut the gate and found that the metal lock (it's one of those sliding bolt locks) was bent almost in half. It took all my force to bend it back so the bolt would slide into the other part of it. It couldn't possibly have happened by the wind bumping it or anything like that.

The day before, I'd been in the bathroom and noticed that one of the fish I have stuck to my tiles was slightly moved...not lined up straight like the rest of them. I didn't think anything of it and just thought the sticky stuff had come loose. I didn't touch it.

I was in the bathroom about 11.30pm, getting ready to go to bed, and the damn thing was turned more - to almost 90 degrees. I thought, well it must be loose, I'll fix it. It wasn't loose at all. In fact, it was stuck hard to the wall and when I pulled it off and checked the sticky stuff on the back of it, it wasn't twisted like I thought it would be, had it have slipped by itself.

It was about that time that I got into my head that the gate, the blinds and the fish were all related somehow and I f-r-e-a-k-e-d myself out. Big time! Dork that I am, I even checked my bedroom cupboards to see if someone was in there. Keep in mind I don't have a huge house and I was home all day.

Still, I managed to send T about 3 text messages, leave two messages on his home phone and one on his mobile to call me asap. Not sure exactly what I expected him to do from 3,500kms away, but whatever. He wasn't much help. He'd been out at his mate's place drinking. In the end, I told him just to go to sleep and I'd defend myself from whatever it was that was obviously going to get me if I went to sleep.

I slept (after sitting bolt upright in my bed for more than 40 minutes, not moving), with my bedroom light on, and my bedside lamp on... as well as having my landline and my mobile in my hands...all night.

Yep. I can build the biggest deal out of the smallest, unrelated incidents!

....They are unrelated, aren't they?

Organised chaos

For a while it was looking just a lot like chaos. I mentioned that T's company had gone and inconsiderately taken over another company two days before Christmas, and subsequently screwed up all our holiday plans. We had to bring all our plans forward, cancel some and hope for the best with others. He'll still be here tomorrow evening. At least that's one thing I don't have to worry about.

Trying to find accommodation in Tasmania, on Christmas day, for New Years Eve, was about enough stress for me to deal with till Christmas next year. I found one place and relaxed...only to get an email telling me the confirmation email wasn't really a confirmation email and the place was booked and they regretted that they couldn't find me anything alternative.

I swear Tasmania is going to sink next week, because the entire rest of the country will obviously be there on holidays. And the mainland is going to rise an extra metre above sea level and start bobbing around like a cork, because nobody will be here to weigh it down. Finding accommodation anywhere in that state has been a nightmare.

I finally found one place late yesterday afternoon, which the lady described to me as "very basic budget accommodation". "I don't care. If it has a bed and a shower, I'll take it." "Yeah, that's about all it has." "Fine. I need two nights."

So it's a little different to our vision of a country cottage with a big room with fluffy pillows, plunger coffee and a huge spa bath, but at least it has great view. .....Well, I think it has.

At least it's not like another 'budget' place I saw that said something about, "be aware that these rooms have quite thin walls and you can hear other guests in their rooms and the halls and the shared bathrooms...." WTF?! Me no think so!

Yes, our NYE will be spent in a little seaside town where the main attractions are a strawberry farm and a wool museum. Don't get me wrong, I've been to those two places, and they're great...it's just that that's about as exciting as that little place gets. At least we've got beds. That's all I'm worried about.

For a while, we thought we might have to sleep in the car (another long and complicated debacle in itself)......for the entire trip! It's literally taken me two entire days of phone calls and searching the net to change our flights and find places to stay....and let me say, I'm skeptical about some of my choices too. Heheh, nothin' like a challenge though.

Oh man! I just realised....we have to find somewhere to eat on NYE as well. Damn! Better buy a loaf of bread when we get to the airport, just in case.

Our third night will be a bit more upscale, thankfully, and their website says they have "huge bath tubs". I think after two nights in 'very budget' accommodation and two days of doing walks and hikes, we're gonna need a big damn bathtub! Ooh, it has internet too. Yes, being geeks, we're taking his laptop. He thought it would be excessive if we took both, but anything's better than nothing to me! We're pretending we need the laptop so we can download photos. That's our excuse for having to take one. Really, we're just addicted to g00gle.

Night 4 will be spent in a bed and breakfast in the middle of backassward town on the way to nowhere.........but the scenery in the area is amazing...and worth it. I think I'll like where we're staying. But the boy isn't all that sociable in the mornings, so I think I might have to ask that we have our breakfast sent to our room. Can't see him mingling over tea and cereal with strangers at 8am.

Where we're staying on our 5th night almost makes me cry to think about it. I've stayed in that town before. You literally cannot drink the water there (not even to brush your teeth), because of the copper mining. I had no choice. The seaside spa chalets I wanted to book, half an hour away, were all gone. It sounds a little dubious, but the lady I spoke to told me the shack I booked did come with a spa bath. I'm just wondering if we have to bring our own water for that too. Oh, and maybe this is where I should mention the fact that I'm really allergic to sulphur. There's one brilliant reason not to want to stay in a copper mining town. Sigh... Should be fun! hehe!

Our last night looks like it'll be nice though. It's a big old English style 'inn'.

Basically, I've crammed 9 days of travelling into 6, and brought it forward 4 days. I'm tired and impressed with myself.

Afterwards, we'll come back here (to recover) for the weekend, before the boy goes home and starts playing Mr Corporate, which is kinda strange to contemplate since he's a scientist who digs up rocks for a living. I think the part of the takeover that he's involved in will be good for him, career wise, eventually, even if he maybe doesn't see it now.

We're losing a week together, which is a bummer. We briefly discussed me going back over there with him for the week and just doing touristy stuff while he's at work. It's a definite consideration, but we'll see. Maybe if I know I'm definitely being reimbursed by his company for the extra costs we've had to incur for changing all our plans, then I'll do it. Would be interesting to observe him in his natural environment for a week.

I should really be thinking about packing already. Because we're both suckers for punishment, I've planned a day trip for Thursday, which will take us the entire day and into the night to get us there and back. Then on Friday, I'm making him prove his gratitude to me for having done all this rearranging by myself (not easy to do together with a 3 hour time difference and living on opposite sides of the country), by taking me to a chick flick.

Poor guy. You'd think I'd asked him to give me a kidney.... He'll get used to it...

A strang(er) Christmas

I can't say I was looking forward to spending Christmas day with virtual strangers, but it ended up being pretty good ... apart from the times where I was sitting there feeling a bit like the third (or 23rd) wheel, because I couldn't join in the conversation.

It wasn't at my brother's girlfriend's parent's house; the place I'd been only once before, last Christmas Eve. No, this time, it was at my brother's girlfriend's mother's sister's place. I couldn't tell you all their names. My brother calls his gf's parents by the wrong names as part of a joke about him calling them the wrong names the first time they met...so I'm not sure if the names I have in my head are their correct names or the names my brother calls them.

Either way, his gf's dad did ask me if I was stalking them. Not sure what that was about. If I were him, I'd be more concerned about the fact that I turn up once a year to sit with strangers for a free meal.

I did have a good time though...despite my bah humbugness and my general dislike for 'visiting' on Christmas day.

Oh yeah, and I took my fabo new camera with me....but neglected to take the memory card, and the batteries went flat. I'm officially a dork and shouldn't be allowed near anything technical anymore till I've done some sort of penance for that. Techno girl, left home without her brain too, it seems. Oh well...

Just wait till I tell ya about the debacle that I envisage for New Years Eve!

Stay tuned.....!!

Hope y'all had a good one!

The best laid plans

Since I don't have any photos of my trip, here are some from the net that show the places we went to along the south coast of Western Australia.

The first one is Mandalay Beach and truly (as with all the photos), it doesn't do the place justice at all. I managed to get T's camera working for a while to get some pics there, but I don't have those. It was one of the prettiest beaches I've been to in a while, although when we go to Tasmania, I'm sure seeing Wineglass Bay again is going to remind me why it's one of the top 10 beaches in the world.








The next two are The Gap and Natural Bridge, at Albany. They're next to each other and there are signs everywhere about how dangerous the area is and to keep in the [tiny] areas they've deemed 'safe', in order not to get swept over the edge by a freak king wave.













And just in case ya didn't believe me about the king waves, here's an example. The tiny mark in the top middle of the photo on the left, is the lookout. You can't see from any of the photos where the car park is, but we were getting wet from the spray as we got out of the car, and the car was wet when we went back to it, ten or so minutes later.....and that was with relatively calm seas.












The next set is of the Desert Corps Memorial at the top of Mount Clarence, in Albany. Unfortunately, we thought it was a lot tackier than it could have been, but it was still a great memorial with a fabulous view.













This last one is Greens Pool in Denmark and it truly does not do the place justice at all. The sea was the most vivid crystal clear colours. I really hope T's photos come out well, so I can post them.







T's trip over here has been upturned slightly too. His company has just taken over another company (who does that the day before Christmas?), so he has to be home sooner than we expected to help with things.

That's meant I've spent most of today changing our airfares to Tasmania and trying to get accommodation on NYE (just about impossible and a miracle that I did find something, considering our stay also coincides with the Sydney to Hobart yacht race).

The next bit of fun will be seeing if we can get reimbursed from his company for the extra expenses we've incurred from having to change everything (already $240 and that's just what I've paid for so far today and doesn't include any costs he'll have from changing the hire car booking and his own airfare to go home early). He says they won't complain about paying. I'm looking at it as extra expenses I'll have to wear, just in case.

But now..........it's just a few hours away from Christmas here. I hope everyone's Christmas is a happy and safe one. Be good, or be good at it.........and whichever of those you decide to do, remember to come back and blog about it. You know I will!

:-) Merry Christmas!! Go here
(coz we're still allowed to say that over here hehe)

Intermission

Here I am, back home already. It feels like I wasn't even away, because the time went so fast!

The boy met me at the airport early on Saturday morning. It was strange to think that we'd only spent a few days together previously; everything was really easy and comfortable.

He took me down to the beach to watch the sunset on Saturday evening, which was beautiful, then we drove to Fremantle for coffee, before heading back home so he could cook me dinner. I'm not normally big on things that are pretty spicy, but he made a really nice arabic style chicken recipe with rice. Good thing one of us likes to cook!

It took a few hours to drive to the place we were staying. The scenery along the south coast of Western Australia is spectacular. Unfortunately, I only have a few photos for the time being. I borrowed a camera from work, and the guys gave me the wrong memory card for it, so I only took a dozen or so photos before it was full, then the batteries on T's camera died, so all we had was his slide camera....and that was from pretty much the first thing we saw on the first day there. I did buy a disposable camera so I had some photos, but I didn't finish the film, so I can't get that developed yet.

Below are a few of the photos I did manage to get in the Valley of the Giants, on the tree top walk. Before we got there, I was secretly willing myself not to freak out at the thought of doing that walk, but I did surprisingly well.













The boy had forgotten that I don't have much of a stomach for heights under certain circumstances and ended up being quite impressed with me.













I was impressed too, with the fact that I was able to let go of the damn railings long enough to take the photos I did.


















You get a little bit of an idea of the height and perspective in the photo below, where you can see T's height in relation to the trees, but the photos really don't do the area justice at all.














After the tree top section, there's a ground walk and I took some photos there as well, until T's digital camera died. I won't get to see those pics till he gets here next week, if he remembers to bring them.

There are so many other things that we saw, and places we went, but I'll have to post more tomorrow when I'm less tired. I will say now though, that the first thing I did today was go out and buy a new digital camera with a bucket load of extra memory, so I don't go through the annoyance of having no camera on our trip to Tasmania in January.

It's a little strange to be home again, considering just yesterday afternoon I was on the other side of the country being lectured by T not to go too close to the edge of some rocks in case I got swept over the edge into the sea (more likely than it actually sounds!)...but that's a story for later. Anyhow, I'll enjoy the next few days intermission and getting used to the idea of spending almost 3 weeks with the boy when he arrives next Wednesday.

Princess Grace

No, not the one who met an untimely death in a motor vehicle accident. Princess Grace is my new blog renter. I like her stuff.

I'll be heading over to see T tomorrow morning...can't believe I'll be there in less than 24 hours! Time does fly! I won't be back till 21 Dec, so ya'll can go visit Grace while I'm away.

Speaking of T, I think I should put more thought into how I plan my next trip. I booked a 6am flight. That means getting up before the butt crack of dawn to get to the airport. Not pleasant. And despite the fact that the trip is a few hours, time differences mean that I'll get there at 7am, which means he also has to get up before the butt crack of dawn to pick me up.

He didn't mention till afterwards that his work Christmas party is tonight. His friends told him not to be too concerned about that and just party and pick me up in a taxi. He thought that wouldn't go down too well, because I might actually have some kind of reuniting/greeting expectations. Methinks he's right!

Coming home wasn't planned all that well either. Sure, my flight leaves at 5.30pm, but with time differences, I get in at midnight. That'll have me home at about 1am. Mmm...better planning next time!













I have hayfever and bronchitis and a huge new gash in the back of my ankle from shaving last night. The blood flow was comparable to that of a guy who's cut himself shaving just under the nose.....you know, where it just does. not. stop. bleeding. Good thing I'm a warrior and can handle seeing my own blood. (Anyone else's and watch me throw up....).

Fake tanned myself too. I now look like two people joined together in an experiment gone wrong....dark legs and arms on a pale, pale body. Ha...not really that bad, but it could have been if I followed the instructions the way the bottle said. I think they musn't allow for the fact that some people really are still pale to the point of transperancy. One coat was just fine. Two coats and I would have had to wear long pants or jeans for a week....which would defeat the whole purpose of self tanning in the first place.

Anyway, enough rambling for now. A couple more hours in the office and I don't have to come back till 16 Jan. C-a-n-n-o-t wait!

Will post more later. In the meantime, go say hi to Princess Grace.

Love me when I'm gone

...or these people.

Sara
Ian
La Vita Nuova - 18+
Risible Girl
Mabel
Sandy
Angela
Contemplating Albert
Nameless Blogger
Pumpkin Diary
Mia Goddess
Gossip Monger
Dragon Kisses
Importing Guinness
Consise
Ben
Princess Grace

...and check these out.

Glen's Studio This is my dad's art. I'll do y'a deal on the price if you find something you like.
Wisdom Quotes
Dream Interpretation

The Image

I made myself feel pretty vulnerable the last time I posted my poetry. I figured I'd made myself that uncomfortable that I wouldn't do it again. Maybe it's like getting a tattoo...it stings a little but the pain is bearable, and almost good. So here's another one...

The Image

As I stand there
I'm sure you can read my mind.
You know my inadequacies.
I'm sure if I let my eyes meet yours,
you would reject me.
I feel different from those around me.
I feel uncomfortable.
I'm sure they all know something I don't,
something I'm supposed to know,
a lesson I should have already learned.

What is that look you give me?
You smile and we laugh.
But I sense the joke's on me.
Are you really my friend?
Surely you can see how damaged I am?
Surely, behind your smile there's pity,
because through my eyes,
you no doubt see all the wrongs of my past.

Do you truly want to know me?
Do you truly want to be my friend?
I'm not that nice a person
and I expect one day you'll tell me so.

I am not deserving of you.
I am damaged
and I have damaged.

The caring and acceptance I so dearly crave,
the need to feel the same,
not like the whole team has been picked
and I'm the odd one out,
left standing on the sidelines
....the need is great.

I don't want to be left standing
on the sidelines.
So when you look in my eyes,
please look past the hurt,
the damage,
and the emotional destruction.
And see my soul,
filled with warmth, love
and compassion.

And remind me - that is me.

Bloglord Christmas rentals

My first stint at renting out my blog was, I think, a success. I've gone through my stats and those of other people who have their blogs listed for rent, and I'm not exactly sure if my stats are good, bad or ugly, but they seem good to me.

It was a completely painless experience, so I've advertised again....spreading the Christmas cheer by giving someone some extra exposure on their blog, charitable person that I am. Ha, then again, I am a Bloglord and this whole exercise is really of a selfish nature, to get more traffic (Why, though? I need to ponder my motivation...), but I think my fee is reasonable.

On a somewhat related note, it would appear some thanks are due to everyone who reads me. I checked my BE profile and discovered that I'm still being rated as provocative, with good writing, which is a big compliment. The thing that I'm really feeling quite modest about though, is that my average review score has gone up from 79% to 85%.

So, thanks everyone. I'm grateful for the appreciation. :-)

Family - part 7 - Christmas conundrum

This one isn't 'heavy' like my usual family posts, but it rates up there in the annoyance stakes.

First things first, I talked to my sister yesterday - the one who's in hospital. She's doing ok. Apart from apparently having a gaping hole in her stomach (like fist size). Her operation went well, but she said in order for the docs to be able to remove and/or stop the infection, they can't cover it, or stitch it up, and it has to heal by itself. The whole concept makes me feel ill, just thinking about it. This means, though, that mum is going to stick around for at least another month or so, because K is going to be in hospital for that long, possibly longer.

K's boyfriend saw the hole in her stomach the other day and finally got a clue that he was going to have to be a little more responsible around the place. That's basically what she told me, reading between the lines, but we'll see what transpires. I'm sure my mum will be quick to tell me if he or my sister start doing things that she doesn't like, or aren't done her way.

I'm aware now that her problem is serious and she still could have major complications and go downhill from here.....and yet I still don't have that level of concern one would expect in this situation. Maybe there's just too much water under the bridge for that kind of compassion. I'm not heartless. I just know my mental and emotional energy is better directed elsewhere.

All this means that mum will be down here, albeit 3 hours drive away, for the next few weeks. I'll be away for most of that time, so it's not really factoring into the stress equation. The Christmas presents issue is, though.

Generally, I buy my mum a gift, and my dad and stepmum. Most of the time, I buy hampers off the internet, and they like this. Last Christmas, I bought mum a fruit hamper and from her reaction, you would have thought I'd given her $10K. This year, I found something else to buy her (an actual gift that I put some thought into, for a change). I rang dad and asked what he and my stepmum wanted. He told me, but getting what he wanted and getting it there in time were going to be difficult, so he said a hamper is fine again. I ordered one for $100 because my brother said he'd go halves with me. I put his and his girlfriend's names on the message, but we'll see if I ever see the $. Doesn't matter really, although wearing the extra $50 will bite slightly.

And that brings me to today's dilemma. Since mum will be at my sister's for Christmas, it means I'll have to get my sister something as well (took me a few days to figure that out!). Took me even longer to figure out that I can't get my sister something and not get her boyfriend something. I found something my sister would like, but that's going to cost $30. I really don't want to get her boyfriend anything huge and he may end up getting lotto tickets, but at least it's something. Anyway, there's an extra $50, plus postage on it all three gifts.

Meanwhile, it seems everyone's organised me to go to my brother's girlfriend's parent's place for Christmas day. I can't turn up with nothing for her parents, and I can't turn up with nothing for them. And if I buy something for my sister and my brother, then I can't not buy something for my other two sisters. (Then there's all the nieces and nephews, but to think about that right now would make my head explode.)

It.just.gets.stupid! And it's not about the money. Granted, it all adds up and I really don't have a bunch of spare cash floating around at the best of times, but also, I don't want to buy a bunch of things purely out of others' expectations to do so....but that's what happens at this time of year.

I want to buy things for the people I want to buy things for. I want to spend my money on the people I want to spend it on. And perhaps it's hypocritical, but I know most people would be the same.....you tend to be comfortable spending more money on the people you care for most - even when you don't necessarily have the money to spend, and resent slightly the fact that you have to spend any money on those you feel less of an affiliation towards.

I'm not one for bringing out the credit card at this time of year, either. I really cannot stand putting anything on credit. I have one credit card I'm trying to pay off. I won't spend more per month than my income. Moving, back in September, set me back a long way in this regard. Where my credit is concerned, I would have about had it paid off by now. Instead, I'm at the same place I was back then. Yes, I've reduced my limit by $2K, but I can't see that I've made any real progress.

Obviously, I've put plane tickets and accommodation on there recently - those things don't easily budget into a monthly salary - but those expenses are my gift to myself. The majority of this year has been complete crap, in terms of emotional stresses. As much as I hate spending the money, I recognise that I also have to relax about it in some ways. I rarely spend money on myself for anything, and I need this break, so I'm not even thinking about what the next few weeks are going to cost me....yet!

But I resent that I'm going to have to deal with (primarily from mum, I'm predicting) the guilt that comes from other peoples' expectations about what is the right thing to do in terms of gift buying at this time of year.....and the assumption that I have bundles of cash hoarded in my cupboards, to spend whenever someone else thinks I should, simply because I'm choosing to do something for myself for a change.

The decision I've made is to tell my brother not to buy me anything, but if I go to the out-laws' place, I'll buy them some wine or something. I feel obliged to get something for my sister and her boyfriend, because mum will be there and I've already got her something. I can't send something for her and not them.

I'm not particularly fussed on whether I get presents or not, from anyone. I think people should buy things for the people they care about whenever they want to, not just at a certain time of year, because it's the right thing to do. Besides, I don't think it's the right thing to do...I just think people want stuff and it's a good excuse to get it.

Oh, and if I talk to H and it's decided that I'll go and see A, I'll give her some money and she can take him to buy him something. That way there will be less chance that his dad will get all stupid because I saw him/bought him something.

A small whine

I miss Aidan. Really miss the kid. Been feeling this way for about a week. Am gonna call H and ask her if I can go see him just before Christmas, when I get back from Perth.

Just gimme my coal, ok.

I present to you, chocolate bar #2. This one, I was not silly enough to pay $5 for, but took a photo of it in the store. Now that I think about it, I should have bought a dozen of them and sent them to my family. Would have solved the 'what to get' question.













I've never been big on Christmas or any of the family get together type occasions. I can't remember any of them being particularly pleasing. Mostly, someone would upset someone else and it'd all end with mum in tears and everyone else ignoring the fact. Ah yes, Christmas joy.

T was taken aback that I was perfectly content to spend Christmas by myself. For a while there, it looked like I'd extend my stay in Perth and do Christmas with his family. That was all too much and too soon for both of us and I'm glad it won't be happening like that. It is too soon. We've barely said anything to our friends about 'us', let alone family members, although as we're getting more comfy with the situation, we're being a bit more open about things too.

He's distressed though and can't comprehend that I like spending Christmas by myself. I've had to promise to invite myself along to my brother's girlfriend's parent's place for Christmas. I met them last Christmas Eve with the stranger who I lived with. They're nice people. However, I'd rather watch bad tv all day and bum around the house with my cats, than feel all weirded out with relative (haha, get it? relative....anyway....) strangers. Still, I can see myself on their doorstep Christmas day, just so T doesn't get his knickers in a knot.

Speaking of T, as much as the distance can really sometimes bite bad, it's providing us with space and a bit of a buffer zone that we both need right now. It's not ideal, but we agree that if we were more local, perhaps things would not be the same between us. I am certainly not ready to have someone around again all the time and he certainly couldn't deal with it yet.

What the distance is doing though, is giving us the best of both worlds. We're committed to seeing where things are going to lead, but we're not ready for as much as would be required from us if we were in the same place. I like that he's there and sometimes it'd be more than nice if he was here, but the majority of my needs are being met now, and I'm happy with that.

Besides, we both have things going on in our separate lives that would make it difficult to have a 'normal' relationship right now anyway. Plus, he does a lot of travelling, so if I was there, he'd be gone a lot anyway. The distance isn't really an issue in that respect. Actually, me being in Melbourne might actually be a good thing, at least short term, because he's going to be spending more time on this side of the country in the coming months, so going to visit him will be cheaper and easier. ....and I get to go visit places I haven't been before! :-p

I'm allowing myself to relax and have fun and just enjoy things for what they are now. I'm not in a hurry to tell anyone anything either. I'd rather get to know the boy without external influence or opinion and just get comfortable with the way things are and take it from there.

Meanwhile, I considered buying Christmas decorations for my house and decided against it. I don't get so many visitors, because I'm usually the one visiting, so there's not much point me putting up stuff that only I'll see. Especially since T and I will be away for all but a few days between Christmas and New Years. My cats certainly won't care if there's crap hung around the house or not.

I'm just trying to figure out a way to spend Christmas by myself and keep everyone happy, but I doubt that's going to happen. Oh well, I'll just leave Santa a note to dump my coal at the front door, coz it looks like I'll be doing Christmas with the relative strangers.

Bah humbug to y'all! ;-)

Ok, I've come back to edit, hours later, after reading through this post again. It probably appears I'm pretty complacent and nonchalant about my relationship with T. That's not the case at all. I really like the boy. A lot. I don't want to stuff things up. That's why taking time and having space is a good thing right now. We get on so well...so much so that sometimes it's a little overwhelming, because I didn't expect that I'd be in this position - with anyone - this soon. Whatever the 'right' way is, that's how I want to do things. It's how I think I'm doing things now and I hope that I'm correct.

There, I said it. I really like him. Now I've doubly jinxed myself. Photos are my jinx, so obviously that's what he's getting for Christmas. And now I've said out loud that I have a thing for the guy. Geez, I hate making myself superstitious!

The Serenity Prayer - holiday style

G-d grant me the serenity to accept that at this time of year,
all the weirdos will shop on a Saturday,
courage to still venture out to the shopping centre,
and the wisdom not to kill anyone while I'm there.

....And he did. I found just what I needed while I was there...













The writing at the bottom says:
For immediate relief of: chocolate cravings, lovesickness, exam pressure, mild anxiety and extreme hunger.
Directions for use: Tear open wrapper, break off desired dosage, and consume. Alternatively, massage into the affected area. Repeat dosage as required until finished. If symptoms persist, consult your local confectioner.

I also discovered there is a very good reason it's called 'emergency' chocolate. It doesn't taste the best. However, it is still chocolate and when you're in dire straights, it would do just fine. Being that when I found said Emergency Chocolate, I was indeed experiencing at least two of the symptoms, I did have to have some when I got home. The rest, though, will stay in the fridge in case of future desperation.

Ahem...edited to add that I just read some fine print on the inside wrapper:

Important note from [chocolate company]:
As you will soon discover, this is no ordinary chocolate bar. The whole experience has been created to tantalise your tastebuds, seduce your senses and satisfy your cravings.

Why do I now feel like I'm in the Wonka factory and I'm about to turn into a big, blue, human berry?

Choice

This time two years ago, I was at Lake Tahoe on a day tour with one other couple and a tour guide who, if the other couple hadn't turned up, had decided he was going to take me on the trip in his pickup truck. Hmmm, I don't think so!













The next day, I jumped in a car with that couple and her newly married sister and brother in law, and we went on our own tour. That's right, before I'd even been in Reno for 4 days, I was travelling around the countryside with a bunch of strangers.....and nobody really knew where I was. Hell, I wasn't even sure where I was.

I knew before I even got on the plane that the person who said he'd be there at the other end, wasn't going to be there. The me of a few years ago would have struggled to get on the plane knowing that. The main purpose of my trip was to see the lovely Sara and be in her wedding party, but the idea that someone who I'd formed a connection with over quite a number of months, wasn't going to follow through when push came to shove, was hard to take.

Still, it was a conscious decision to get on the plane and create my own adventure once I got there, before I went to see Sara.

That trip was one of the best adventures - and misadventures - of my life. Lemons to lemonade.














It's interesting though, how we make - and continue to make - so many choices that are obviously destructive; detrimental ultimately to our selves.

We want to lose weight, but we'll ring and order that pizza. We want to be healthy, but we'll light that cigarette. We want to pass that test, but we put off the study.

They're the every day things that might make the road a little bumpier for ourselves. But what about the bigger things? What about those things we know are truly going to affect how we think about ourselves and how we relate to others? The things that fundamentally perpetuate our negative self images and cause us to think we're undeserving of good and positive things in our lives.

We'll tell a kid not to touch something hot, yet when we find something 'hot', we can't wait to grasp it with both hands, just to prove it's hot....and wind up being scalded. We know better. We know it's going to hurt. We know it might leave a scar. Yet, still we touch.

Why? Is it because we don't have enough faith to just believe that the thing is hot? Yes, of course we can see the flame and we know the heat can cause pain, so why don't we leave it alone? Or do we think we have to feel that pain in order to be able to comment on what it feels like? Or worse, do we think we deserve that pain, because we don't have the willpower to simply not touch?

Why has it become acceptable that we expect to feel pain, discomfort and hurt, over the expectation of feeling no pain or suffering? Why do we make choices that cause us more suffering, when we know the alternative won't make us suffer? Why is there a subconscious expectation that we don't deserve to not suffer? Why do we touch that flame with our right hand, when our left hand has already been scalded?

When you choose not to touch that flame, you're making the choice to have faith in the person who told you it's hot, and not to touch. You're making the choice to believe it's hot. You're making the choice to trust in your own good judgment. And you're making the choice to not act in a way that is going to be detrimental to you, physically and emotionally. Physically, because you're obviously going to get burnt. Emotionally, because you're going to kick and berate yourself and tell yourself how stupid you are for not making a better choice.

Both these things, repeated, determine our self worth over time. I used to be a person who had to touch the flame. Sometimes I still do. But mostly, I try to remind myself that I don't need to get burnt again to know that a flame is hot. I don't need to have yet another scar to remind me that I didn't trust myself. And I don't want to think that when someone says, "it's hot", I won't have enough belief that they're doing the right thing by me, and I'll have to find out for myself.

I want to believe and I want to trust, and I hope that in doing so, I can pass it forward and it'll come back to me. And if I'm gonna get burnt, I hope it'll be from something out of my control, and not because I stuck my hand somewhere it didn't belong.

I'm a landlord....bloglord?

Ha, Bloglord makes me sound like some all powerful wizard type character, except that I'm not quite ruling all of Blogland....just my little patch of cyber-space. And I don't have a long white beard....or cast spells....or wear long flowing coats....or wear chunky rings on my pinky fingers.

Aaaanyway, I've jumped on the 'Rent my Blog' bandwagon with Blog Explosion, to see what happens. Scott, from Welcome to my Nightmare was silly enough to put in a bid for space on my blog and I accepted it. So while you're here, click on the picture of his blog and go say hi.

I think I've now fullfilled my Bloglord duties for the time being..... --Oh, and Scott? Welcome to my nightmare!

The art of guilt tripping

Here's how it's done by text message.

Sunday early afternoon.

Please don't forget K. She's crazy with fear & I can't do anything right. She goes in some time tomorrow, won't say when. xx

Response: Can you tell her good luck. I can't call from my phone for some reason and (phone company) are not available till tomorrow. Plus I have no gas and I have to stay off the phone till the emergency guy phones or turns up. (true!)

No. She needs to hear directly from you this time. It's REALLY important it not be my idea that you're REALLY thinking of her. No matter how late. When your phone is fixed.

Thinking: Didn't I just say I couldn't contact the phone company till tomorrow?

...or first thing tomorrow morning. xx

Sunday evening.

I can't believe NOBODY has rung K to say they're thinking of her. She never stops thinking about and caring about all of you. She thinks nobody's there for her.

I did ring on my mobile and made some sympathetic noises. I'm not that awful a person. I do hope the surgery goes well...

Monday afternoon.

Forgot to mention G's b'day today. R's last Thursday. Just thought you might want to remember. xx

I'd bang my head, but with all the drugs I'm taking right now, I can't feel a thing.

Randomness and musings

On how to be a bad parent.

#1. Let your kid, who's under 10, stand on the back seat of your car, with his head out the window, while you spend 10 minutes driving along two major suburban roads. Bad, bad mother. I hope the police woman I rang busted your arse!

#2. Drive along with a burbon and cola in one hand, cigarette in the other, no seatbelt on, with your kiddos in the back seat. Bad, bad father! You're lucky I couldn't get your licence number.

On having no hot water.

#1. You can't do dishes or wash the floor or clean your bathroom.

#2. You can't shower. Be sure to have a friend who you can call and let them know you're not coming for a social visit....it's vital that you are allowed to go over and wash your hair or you can't go to work the next day.

#3. The guy who comes to fix the hot water tank will want to use your still filthy bathroom. He'll leave immediately afterwards, muttering only a few short words.

On being sick.

#1. Despite the airconditioning at work blowing ice cold gale forced winds on you, you'll be told there's no problem because it's only half a degree out from the temperature it's supposed to be.

#2. Having to wear a sweater and a jacket at your desk when it's 30C and boiling outside is a good indication that the aircon might be a tad cold.

#3. Waking up at 4am unable to breathe, coughing, shivering from cold, and sweating (2 sheets, a doona, and two blankets, plus track pants, t-shirt and a sweater), and having this continue for more than a week, might suggest that you're not all that well.

#4. In the doctor's office for all of two seconds before he fills out a prescription for antibiotics: "But why would I be having such huge body temperature changes?" "You're not, your temperature is what it should be." Aaah, okaaay. That explains the fevers.... And I'm gone in 6o seconds.

#5. One pharmacist asking you if you're aware that taking antibiotics can lessen the effect of the pill is one thing. When two of them make a purpose of coming up and telling you, it starts to freak you out. ....then you think, "eh, well the guy's 3,500kms away. I hear ya, but I ain't that concerned, so stop freakin me out!"

#6. Current combination, as of this afternoon: BC pill, dexamphetamine, amoxycillin, aspirin, and hayfever tablets. Now if that mix doesn't do crazy stuff to my system, I'll be impressed. I won't even care if I start to develop a twitch. If it makes me feel better than I do now, I'll be happy to have a twitch.

On things related to the boy.

#1. I arrive in Perth at 7am on the 17th. His work Christmas party is the night before. Bummer timing for him! Ha!

#2. He's already booked a trip back here 28 Dec. Tickets for 8 days in Tassie have also been booked. We think it might be an idea at some stage to find accommodation. Or just wing it...

#3. After telling him about my trip to the doctor (who I only saw because he guilted me into it), and the subsequent weirdness of the pharmacists, there ensued a bizarre conversation about me being pregnant, IVF, surrogacy, artificial insemination into cows, steak and pretending to be a teapot.

Ok, that's all for now. I have to go investigate buying shares in the Kleenex factory. Lord knows I've invested a damn lot of money into that company in the last two or three weeks.

Useful things I learned today

* When you're sick, eating an orange does not make you feel better. In fact, eating a kilo of them probably won't either. They just tell you they're good for you and they have Vitamin C in them coz there's no other way anybody would eat one.

* When you're sick, eating chocolate does make you feel better.

* When you run out of chocolate, search your kitchen for more, even when you know you don't have any. The thought that maybe you might find a secret stash will make you feel a bit better...even if it's short lived.

* When you're sick, order pizza. It will inspire you to get dressed and do your hair so the delivery guy doesn't think you've been in your pjs all day. It'll also make you feel like you've done one constructive thing all day too, coz let's face it, when you're feeling like crap, getting dressed and doing your hair is a major accomplishment!

* When you're sick, pizza won't make you feel better, but at least you're eating something, and someone else did all the cooking.

* When you're sick and you've eaten too much pizza, eat another orange. You can pretend it's doing something beneficial to combat all the grease you've just put down your throat.

* When you're sick, drink lemonade. I'm not sure why. Just do it.

A change of pace

Had a mind to share something I'd written. I don't want to say I won't share this stuff again on here, but it's unlikely that I will. Perhaps it's just my mood that's inspired me to share now, so best I hit post before I change my mind.

Learn to Fly

Standing at the edge
of a precipice,
frozen with fear.
It's an exhilarating sensation;
adrenalin filled.

Do I jump?
Will I land safely?
I've been here before.
I tripped, stumbled, and fell.
I know this place.

My heart is racing
and instinct tells me to turn
and run away.
Don't look back!!

But I close my eyes,
stretch out my arms
and lean forward.

The wind will catch me.
I will float.
I will find my wings.

And on a breeze,
borne from the warmth of your heart,
I will learn to fly.

The wolf at the door

Maybe I should have titled this one as the next in my 'family' series, but it probably deserves separateness of some sort.

Not long ago, I posted about my sister's latest illness with my usual pessimism. Last night's update from mum has me feeling...numb. Hmmm..no, numb is not the best word. Perhaps unemotional is better. Or not unemotional.....lacking in emotion. Yeah, that's it.

Mum flew down here the day after T flew home, and she caught the train up to where my sister lives (on the border, a few hours north of here). I met mum for dinner that night at my brother's place, but there was no discussion at all about my sister or what was wrong with her. I didn't ask, because I really wasn't interested to hear a saga.

That's the thing with my mum. You can't say, "Is the sky blue today?" and get a simple "yes" response. You'll get, "I think it was the other day when I was out feeding the cats. You should have seen them, they were being so funny. But the lady across the road came and started talking to me, so I couldnt' be too sure. Oh, but today, I'm sure it might have been blue for a while, but I was on the phone to your sister, so it might have changed colour at some stage. Overall, yes it appears to be blue..." So I have to have the time and the patience to listen if I ever ask a question. That Tuesday night, I had neither.

I hadn't heard from mum since then and neither had my brother, so I sent her a message yesterday. She's still at my sister's place and my sister is apparently having surgery on the 6th. It turns out that my sister really is quite sick....with Peritonitis. She had some surgery a fair while ago. Somehow, something wasn't done correctly and she never healed properly, and now she has a large hole in the lining of her stomach (I think that's what mum said).

According to mum, there's an 80:20 chance she'll make it through the surgery. Her sleep apnoea makes this worse, because of her troubles breathing when she lies down.

Other stuff mum told me:
* my sister and her boyfriend are completely broke
* mum will need to stay and help her recover for at least a month
* while my sister is in hospital, her lazy-arse boyfriend will probably not go to work, because he needs prompting to get out of bed in the morning, because life is just all too hard
* if mum is not there to make him go to work, he'll disappear, run away from everything, and go stay with his mates drinking and smoking till my sister is well enough to look after him again

I told my mum that perhaps this is a chance for the boyfriend to learn some responsibility and look after himself and my sister (btw, they're both in their late 40s!). Mum says that's not going to happen, which is why she has to stay there to make sure the boyfriend goes to work each day.

I can't say that I feel anything - pity, sorrow, worry, or whatever - for my sister having this surgery, or for her financial predicament. I'm not sure what that says about me as a person. It's been so many years and I've heard so many times that something is wrong, or some drama is unfolding, that now that she's having a second major surgery, it's having no effect on me at all.

Actually, it is having an effect on me. I'm wondering why it's not affecting me like it probably should.