Careful, I'll pick you out of a line up

Back in April when I was more regular on a particular dating site, I was suprised to find that three or four out of five contacts I received were from Aries guys. The other thing I found was that I'd read a subject line or look at a picture and invariably they would turn out to be an Aries guy.

So I decided to experiment tonight. I did my regular search, and going simply on the look of the guy in the photo, I was zeroing in on all the Aries guys.

There has to be a way I can make some money out of this newfound skill!

You would think though, that I would learn. The last two guys I dated seriously were Aries guys. Apparently, Aries and Sagittarius are my best matches, if you go by all the star sign stuff. But Aries guys in particular have a flaw. That is that they can't make a decision - well they don't like to make decisions, so they sit on the fence. I've had enough experience with this kind of guy to know this is accurate.

The positive is that once an Aries guy makes up his mind (about a relationship), it's made up. I just have to find one of these ones.

I wonder how long it will take for me to not only be able to pick an Aries guy out of a line-up, but also be able to tell from the same picture if he's ready to get off the fence. That would save me a whole lot of time and effort.

In the meantime, I deal with Ed, the uncommunicative, potentially potato farming Pisces.

My friend, you are a legend!

You were quite right! My eaten post did go to January 2004. Talk about time travelling!

Anyway, it's back in its rightful place under 29 September.

hehe thank you! I owe you. :-)

(in my semi-comatose, sleep-deprived state, I must have somehow changed the auto date thingy)

ps...got your email from both your addresses! Will reply when I get home. :-)

Green doors and stale smoke

I was standing in line at McDonalds (yeah, I already told you I'm a freakin pig...well at least this week), sipping on my health drink, made with a combination of fruits and other weird things I wouldn't normally venture to drink (who stands in line at McDonalds with a health drink??), and I looked across the road.

There's a building on the corner with a mobile phone store at the front, and in the side street, a pet supply store towards the back. Along the outer wall of the building is a door. A green door, to be precise. In the middle of a plain, nondescript wall. The address said 642 and there were gold numbers on the door, I suppose flat numbers, 1, 7, 3, 5, in various stages of falling off.

I've worked in this area and gone to that part of the suburb for over 3 years and I've never noticed that door before. Till today. Till a guy walked out the door. An old guy, in a grey suit. Not the frail kind of old person, but a taller man, greying, with a large beard, and conducting himself as if he had a real purpose to what he was doing and where he was going. (Probably only across the road to buy cigarettes and a bottle of something that comes in a brown paper bag.)

I wondered what was behind that door. What other world, what other people lurked up that narrow staircase? I imagined a world of smoke filled rooms, overflowing ashtrays and lounges with sheets draped over them to cover stains and tears. I imagined a tall candelabra, incence, wicker chairs and a lava lamp. Probably, Ella Fitzgerald was playing in the background, from a room with a single bed and a wooden cupboard with a door that doesn't quite shut, dusty books on a bedside table.

Across the road, in an entirely different world, I stood in the line. A workman behind me, standing too close for my liking, a mother and child discussing the virtues of orange juice over lemonade, a guy working on the Coke machine, too few servers behind the registers. Would you like to upsize that?

And still I stood and watched that door. How many doors are there in the world, just like the one across the street? Who lives there? Are they happy behind those doors? Doesn't anyone even know or care they're there? Why are these doors in these buildings always red or green? Who do they want to stop? Where do they go? Why are there no windows? Is it dark, only lit by a single globe hanging from the ceiling? Or do I have it all wrong? Maybe it's bright, lively and there are red and white checkered table clothes on square tables and a feeling of happiness and contentment.

Behind green doors are worlds that are a universe apart from mine. We may never meet. I may never know what's behind the green door across the road, or any other door just like it. But we're connected. And like worker ants, we each do our part to shape our own world and in turn, each other's.

Just don't ever let me end up behind one of those green or red doors.

I need to write things down

Now that I have an outlet, there's so much I've discovered I need to say...or at least put down in some sort of written format so I can digest it at a later stage.

I had three totally different thought processes on my way to work - things that I have to get out of my head - and they're gone. I know they'll come back. But probably later on when my boss is in, or I find I do have something constructive to do and don't have time anymore to put them down.

I woke up during the night and had the sensation that I was content, that there was someone in my life who I could hold, be held by, and feel protected. I felt warmth.

I got up this morning and wondered who the hell it was. That person doesn't exist.

Ugh...depressing.

Stinkin cyberspace!

It's now a bit after midnight, I'm just home from a night out with my girls and I spent the last half hour typing a post about how the evening went...and it's GONE!

I feel the same as when the guy in Love Actually lost all his notes in the lake, except I don't have some sexy Portuguese girl to retrieve mine for me.

Very, very annoyed!

It'll have to wait till tomorrow at work now, when I'll post the abridged, and nowhere near as stimulating version of events.

Definitely time for bed!

Lesbians, black guys and mud cake

So'd I get your attention?

We used to be a group of six, my girls and I. We're now five (long story), but only four of us went out tonight. My girlfriends are the wives of my ex boyfriend's mates. Follow? All of them 40 something and married with kids. They've been my friends since I first came down here in 1996 and took me into their group even before my ex and I got together and we were still just housemates. They're more sisters to me than my real sisters.

We don't get to spend a lot of time together - not as much as we used to. They have work and kids and I have work and ...well....stuff.

Tonight we went out to celebrate Lyn's birthday. That was the excuse anyway. We just haven't been out together in a long while, so it was about time.

Josie is the smallest of us, although Lyn gives her a run for her money, but she can eat! lol She couldn't decide what to have and I was starving, so I ordered a meal I thought she'd like. I am not kidding when I say they may as well have brought her food out still in the pot they cooked it in. It was some kind of seafood shellfish dish in a tomato based sauce, but the bowl she had could easily have been mistaken for some sort of trendy white pot. Huge! I've never seen anything like it. With her meal, she was also given fresh sliced bread - what appeared to be about half a loaf - plus a bowl for the shells and a bowl to clean her fingers. She practically needed a whole table to herself.....pretty funny for a gal who's only about five foot nothing.

We had about 3 waiters during our meal. I guess they weren't all that busy. The one we liked the most, and flirted with most unashamedly, was Geoffrey; a black American from Sacramento, CA. Tattooed, a diamond in his nose, and totally charming. Did I mention that Josie, in addition to her ability to eat more food than the rest of us put together, has a serious thing for black men and/or black/hispanic accents? It's an obsession for the tiny 40 something Italian lady, but we love her, so of course we did all we could to make poor Geoffrey hang around our table.

When it comes to sex, be aware, women talk about it as much as men do. In fact, we probably go into more detail in some respects than men do. Our get togethers are enlightening and at the same time disconcerting. I don't really like to picture my friends and their husbands getting drunk and getting it on in their linen closet, but hey, these things come out over a meal and a nice wine. Ed got his fair share of mention too (what'd you expect huh?) and I bet his ears were burning as he sat at his regular Wednesday night dinner with his friends.

Women talk about sex - over dinner. Now you know.

And I learnt something new. Well at least, something I hadn't considered before. Lesbians use their toes. Now this is a novel concept I never really took time to ponder before tonight. As we, all four, tucked into a piece of chocolate cake and icecream between us, we discussed the pros and cons of being lesbian, namely the real thing versus strap on (see: why would you not just go the real thing if you were inclined to insert things anyway?), and the use of toes versus other bits and pieces to stimulate.

I was also informed - and I'm not sure I really wanted to know this bit - that once you've been pregnant, your 'tongue' sticks out more. Think about it. I did.....and it's given me yet another reason to hold off on the whole baby concept. Ok, maybe you don't want to think about it for too long.

I' m so glad I caught up with my girls tonight. It's been a few weeks since I've seen them and I've been feeling like a bad, neglectful friend, but I've had my dose of girl talk and being flirty, so I'm content once more.

Oh and that whole thing about black men...it's not true...someone pointed this out too. But I could have told you that before tonight. ;-)

Oink, freakin' oink!

I am a pig! :@

Yesterday I went out to lunch with Leon to our usual haunt. A little restaurant that sells hong kong style food. For $6.80 you get as much tea as you like, soup (neither of us are sure what's in it, but it tastes good and we just don't ask), and a meal of two different types of meat (bbq or roast chicken, pork or duck, or a combination), a plate full of rice and cucumber strips that seem to be prepared in sesame oil with a hint of chilli. Really, I'm not quite sure what goes into the preparation of the meals, but they're great, so we keep going back. Better not to know some things, huh.

Oink!

The last night I went out with Ed and ate scallopine ai funghi (veal and mushrooms for those not bilingual), Italian salad, (more) pancakes with tia maria sauce, then M&Ms at the movies.

Oink oink!

And now, for lunch, I've just eaten a foot long freakin meatball sandwich from Subway. I swear I was going to save the second half for later. Honest, I was! But it was there in front of me and I lost all willpower and could not resist.

Oink oink oink!

By the way, I 've never seen a pig that's actually pink. Who decided they'd be pink? What's up with that?

Oh great, as I type, the nutritionist from my gym calls to make an appointment. If that's not a sign, I dunno what is!

Miss Piggy, eat your heart out!

PIGGY UPDATE: Now I'm going out to dinner with my girlfriends! I am so going to drag myself to gym before I go, if it kills me!

Sometimes, I should take my own advice

I posted this on a message board to a girl whose long distance love broke up with her, without reason, it seems. I'm putting it here as a reminder to myself as well.

I spent 13 months working on things with James. As you know, I'm here in Melbourne. He (was) just outside of Reno, NV. He loved me. I know he did. In his own way. And it's kinda surreal to be able to say you're in love with someone you haven't met and who lives half a world away. But it happens.

My story is a long one, so I won't go into detail. But I flew to NV to see him at Christmas time. I knew before I got on the plane that he wouldn't show, but I went anyway (for lots of reasons).

It sucked. It hurt. I felt stupid. But I turned it around. It made me realise that, yes, it's ok to allow yourself to be vulnerable and to take a risk. It's ok to have a belief or a faith in something that you don't know how it's going to unfold. It's ok for it not to work out in the end. And in the end, I/you/we will be ok, whatever happens.

It showed me that I'm a much stronger person than I thought I was. I mean, seriously, who'd get into a relationship like that if they weren't strong enough to cope? It puts things in perspective, and you learn things about yourself and about love and about life that you'd never otherwise learn had you not gone through it.

Be proud that you took the chance, not sad that it didn't work out. You will have your chance at love again. Have a little faith and realise it's not about you, but about him and what he was not able to provide.

You will heal. Trust me on that one. You will be ok.

Scallopine, fish and M&Ms

It's amazing when you're running late just how much you can get done in minimal time. I gave myself just under two hours to prepare for Ed's arrival last night. This was going to allow me time to get presentable, clean my house, do the dishes and a load of washing and sit down in the front of the tv like I'd been reclining all day and couldn't care less whether he turned up or not.

Of course that wasn't going to happen. First, the jeans I'd washed the day before and expected to wear, didn't wash properly and came out with powder still on them, so I spent a good 10 minutes scrubbing them till the white marks looked kinda like they were just some cool bleach mark on a trendy, new pair of jeans. No time to iron the 'just out of the machine' look out of them.

Next, my cats wanted to eat a lovely spider I sent to a miserable death with copious amounts of insect spray. I didn't feel the need to pay a vet bill any time soon, so I had to wait till the spider finished shrivelling and guard the damn thing till I could get rid of it. Well, whaddya expect? I'm not about to pick up a spider while it's moving, even if its movements are due to a slow, painful, pitiful death. Die, then I'll bury you.

Then I realised that my house still smelt of car exhaust from the morning. My garage is directly behind my kitchen (don't ask, stupid design!) and the door from the garage opens into the kitchen, so while the car guys were playing with it in the morning, the fumes in my house were slowly building. Maybe that explains my vague state for the rest of the day. Anyway, so it was necessary to find some sort of oil to burn so Ed wouldn't pass out as he stepped in the front door.

Then Stewart rang, all flustered. His housemate gave him 4 weeks notice that she's moving out at the end of their lease (end Oct) and he doesn't know whether to try to get someone in, or move. But he also doesn't have time to really look for somewhere to move, because he has so many work and personal commitments, he doesn't have time.

A while ago, we talked about getting a place to share when I move out in Feb. Currently, I have a spare room because I never found a housemate to move in. Sooo...Stew may move in at the end of next month if he's prepared to move again at the end of Feb. This is not something I want either of us to rush into deciding though. I've offered him the room if he needs it, but we'll have to have some pretty open discussions prior to then if he does.

Anyway, the point of all this blabber is that my two hours suddenly became 25 minutes, but I still managed to have that 'I've been sitting here waiting all day' look when Ed arrived. I am a legend! haha

So he comes in, curls up on my couch, puts his head on my knees and says, "so what are we going to do?". My plan for gold class cinema was dashed when we discovered there were hardly any movies showing there. My back up plan to go to a trendy restaurant on the pier was also dashed, because it was cold, windy and rainy and you just don't wanna be in that part of the city when the weather is like that. Too cold!

In the end, I rang one of my favourite local restaurants to see if they were open and we went there. It's a little Italian restaurant called Gippi's and it's been there longer than I've been alive. There's not been one night when I've been there and haven't seen the owner, Emmanuel. He's just always there. My ex and I used to go there all the time. I'm sure Emmanuel remembers me from then. (Funnily, I still live only 5 minutes from my ex and I haven't seen him in over two years now.)

We agreed to go see a movie at the cinema near my place, but the boy specifically wanted "the good cinemas on the right, not the ones on the left". Ok, that means, he wanted cinemax - bigger chairs, wider screen, better sound. I rang to find out what was screening in those cinemas and it was all kids movies! Well, we're big kids, so we went to see Shark Story. Funny movie, with lots of 'big' actors - Wil Smith, Robert DeNiro, Angelina Jolie, Renee Zellwegger, Jack Black, amongst others.

I liked the message in it - whether you're at the top of the food chain, or the bottom, you're not a nobody if you think you're somebody.

Obviously, pasta, pancakes (yes, more pancakes!) and beer were not enough sustenance for the boy, because I ended up getting us a huge packet of M&Ms, which he proceeded to stuff in my mouth during the entire movie. He has a strange habit of not allowing me the blue ones though. This is the second time he's fed me M&Ms and the second time I've not been allowed the blue ones. It's a kooky little thing of his, but kinda endearing as well - something to do with 'blue is for boys only'. lol

I'm almost at a level of acceptance where I'm comfortable enough to spend time with the guy and detached enough to not care so much who he's talking to or what other plans he's making. He lets his guard down sometimes and I can see the interest. I'm just gonna let it play out and see what happens. Something's gotta give eventually.

In an odd way, I feel the need to rescue him from himself, but I know that's dangerous territory to tread, so I'm doing my best to just sit back and let him work stuff out for himself. I know I can't fix him. If I did, he would no longer be him anyway, and I wouldn't want that.

I'm not his girlfriend. I'm not sure I want to be. I like it, for the most part, how things are now.

He spent the night again.....'nuff said. ;-)

Tattoos

I have an increasing need to get another tattoo. I just don't know what to get or where.

The Aussie flag has been a consideration for some time. The state of the world has made me somehow more patriotic than I thought myself to be. Or maybe that's just something a dork would get? Who knows! I don't want to appear more dorky than I already am!

I've been thinking for a while about getting a fairy, specifically the one I have on my profile here, but you can't see it too well.

In addition to gym pain being good pain, tattoo pain is also good pain.

I could get a 'W' on each butt cheek and be done with it. *grins*

Bittersweet...or something anyway

Black Hawk Down was on tv last night. I love that movie. But I couldn't watch it.

I was talking to Ed as me and as my alter ego. Watching a movie like that whilst talking about relationship dynamics kinda just made me feel shallow.

I was also thinking about Jason. I know he's ok. He's got the strongest character of anyone I know. But the movie got me thinking of him and I miss him. He's the only person I truly believe when he says I'm beautiful or that he loves me. Guess that's never really occured to me until now, but it's true.

I was thinking too about someone I don't know and have never met, but am intrigued by. If you're reading this, you know who you are - I'm your sole audience. Why was I thinking of you? Because you say the words I'm too afraid to admit to myself or anyone else, and for that, I thank you.

So, I didn't watch all of Black Hawk Down, just pieces. Probably better that way. I wasn't in the mood to cry.

Things happen in threes

Well bad things do! When does something good ever happen three times in a row, huh?

Yesterday, Stew had all the tyres and rims stolen off his car (then almost got himself run over by another car later in the day, but that's another story).

Then Leon rang in to say that his clutch had gone on his car, so he was being towed and had to get it fixed.

And today, I went to start my car. Nothing. Damn thing would not turn over. Three hours later and $300 later, I have a new battery (and a new roadside assistance membership) and I'm finally here at work.

The good thing is my head doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did yesterday.

Still, I think I should have slept in today.

Odd pleasures

Pleasure #1. Leon

Yes, he's odd and he's a pleasure. We've worked together for just over three years now. From the beginning I've been completely attracted to him - his look, his personality, his brain. But because I care about him and like him so much as a friend, there is no way in the world I could comprehend actually getting physical with the guy. I like to look, but I don't ever want to touch. Besides, you know when you know someone so well that you know you just don't wanna go there with them? That's how it is with us. There are things unsaid with us and it's better that way.

He's been away on leave for two weeks and he's back at work today. I had to ring him because my car broke down and, I admit it, I was excited to hear his voice. I can't wait to get to work today to see him. Who'da thunk that!

Pleasure #2. Living alone

I've never done it before and I never thought I'd like it. But I do. Apart from the fact that I moved in here expecting to have a housemate and paying half the rent I am, (see: apart from being broke), I like that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, I don't have to answer the phone if I don't want to, I don't have to talk if I'm not in the mood, I don't have to have visitors and I can sing as loudly as I like and the only ones to complain are my cats. I'm used to the pained looked and requests for me to open the back door so they can get away from me.

Pleasure #3. Talking to Ed as my alter ego

Strange as it sounds, it's been interesting talking to Ed and pretending to be someone else. I know it's not right and I'm fighting an internal moral battle with myself on that one, but it's become a compulsion because I'm seeing an interesting side of him and learning things I would otherwise have not known.

Like, he's talking to a handful of girls, but only talking. Slightly disconcerting, but mildy reassuring as well. He wants to take things slow and admits that he cannot articulate what he wants and admits that he can be standoffish (although he's never come across that way to me), because the last girl he was with screwed him over so bad, he thinks everyone will.

The other thing I'm finding is that he's asking questions and seems open to at least considering the fact that all women are not bitches and that there are those of us who just want to be treated well and want to treat our partner just as well.

He's smart enough to have detected that I can see through him when he's bullshitting to me. It'll be interesting to see who blinks first.

I think I'm just reprogramming him though, and that he's my practice person, but that's ok. I genuinely like the guy....except the part of him that frustrates the hell out of me.

Pleasure #4. Gym

Some pain is bad. Some pain is good. The pain I get from my current gym is good pain. Yes, it hurts like hell to weight train. This is not something I've spent a long time doing at gyms, so it's a novel concept for me. I do 45 minutes of weights and 10 minutes on the bike. One set of each exercise, but as much weight as you can handle. My G-d it hurts! There is a method to this madness that I'm not going to go into here, except to say that they've done studies to show that one very intense set of each exercise is just as beneficial, if not moreso, as doing three sets at a lighter weight.

Besides, it takes less time too and I like that bit a lot!

Some people just have no respect...

for other peoples' property.

Stew has an awesome car. It's beautiful, it's brand new, it's black, it's damn expensive.

Some bastard put it up on blocks last night and stole all his tyres and rims. The insurance guy said the replacement cost of them is upwards of $7000 AUD!

Thankfully, he only has to pay his insurance company $500, but it sucks that he has to pay anything at all and it sucks that people can be such bastards to do that to someone else.

Meanwhile, he and I are both struggling to progress anything with our relationship interests, so maybe we are both just dealing with practice people. Either way, we decided we'd do the My Best Friends Wedding thing and just marry each other if we're both single and 35. The way we're going, it's likely.

So, I sit here sending major bad karma vibes to the jerks who messed with Stew's car.

Jack hammers in my head

I never used to get headaches. My brother used to get them every single Monday when we were in primary school. Not just simple headaches, but migraines that had him constantly sent home.

I don't think he gets them now, but I do. Same goes for the TOM pain. I never used to get that either, till the doctors started mucking around with my bits. I'm sure after each operation they just stuffed things back in where they'd fit - like a business man rushing to catch a plane and he's hurriedly shoved everything into his suitcase, because he doesn't care how it's in, as long as it's in.

I hate taking pills and painkillers, but I'm finding lately I have to take them just to function semi-normally. My head pounds every day and I've been getting no sleep. How can you go to bed fine and wake up in the night with such a thudding that you can't even move?

There is one particular place, above my right eye, in my temple, where the pain is just horrendous. It's been like that intermittently for the past month or so.

Between this, my sleep problems and my heart problem, I feel worn out, drained and lifeless. I drag myself around, but I could sleep till eternity and then sleep some more.

I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want blood tests and scans and other crap. I don't want to complain.

I just want to rip my head off and go to sleep.

Something to ponder

I get quotes in my email every day from Daily Motivator. Methinks today's is apt.

"One element of maturity is the realization that we don’t get away with anything. Any advantage gained or convenience taken, any private procrastination or insincerity, no matter how subtle or quick in passing, is paid for."
Hugh Prather Clergyman and writer

For Sara

Sara, this is for you, because I never seem to feel as though I do enough to show you how important you are to me.

I wish we could talk more. I wish we could see each other more. I wish I could tell you more often how much you mean to me.

I love you and I miss you and I thank you for your friendship and so much more.

The world of blog

My current addiction to the 'next blog' button lead me to this blog.

Two tear drops were floating down the river.
One teardrop said to the other, "I'm the teardrop of a girl who loved a man and lost him. Who are you?"
"I'm the teardrop of the man who regrets letting a girl go..."

This guy has some interesting ideas on money and motivation.

"...Money is more powerful than love, which is why money is the number one reason for divorce. Money is more powerful than any religion's God, people will do or say anything no matter how wrong for money. Given enough money you can buy love and power. But most importantly, with money you can get more money which gets you more power. Money's power becomes your power. Soon you are more powerful than God..."

And this sums me up.

"i want to build a home with someone...
i know its every girls want to have a bf and all but i just wanna be comfortable with someone
who i can be myself with
someone who REALLY understands me and even though we wont agree on everything with
we will be willing to compromise and find middle ground and just be
i know there is a lot of things that have to change but change isnt always bad
it can be good
i am not pushing to find an ANYONE b.c. i dont want ANYONE i want that special SOMEONE
it takes time to build these things but i think i am ready to put my selfishness aside and to
see where "WE" can take this"

I showed that one to Ed. As usual, I got no response. LOL

Progress, or simply something different?

This is getting to be the 'all about Ed' page and that's starting to annoy me, but since it's the major thing on my mind right now, it's all coming out. Not a bad thing though. I can get feedback on my thoughts and I won't wake as much in the night, thinking and analysing. Well, ok, I still think and analyse, but it's more like "shit, I forgot to say that in my blog as well".

He sent me a text message during the day, while I was at the hairdresser, who decided he'd not do my usual style today, but that he'd give me the JF -- just f*cked -- look; styled but slightly dishevelled. Only problem was I was so tired, I came home, promptly fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was more like the 'just woken up' look, so nobody got to see his handywork.

Anyway, the message said, "hi sexy, I'll call you later". Which I interpretted as, "hi, letting you down easy, I'm going to call you later, but I'm making other plans tonight".

I was sleeping on the lounge and was at the stage where I'd woken up, but didn't necessarily want to be awake, so I was keeping my eyes shut, when my mobile rang. Ed was in a bit of a panic because his mum had come home from holidays a day early and said she'll be home first thing tomorrow morning, but he hasn't finished all the things she asked him to do while she was away and the garden's not looking too flash. (see: plot from a b-rated American movie without the frat party bit)

Out of nowhere, he asked me if I wanted to go around to his place tonight to watch a movie. If I hadn't have still been lying down, I would have fallen over. Previously, any time I've mentioned going up there (about a 40 minute drive), he's given an excuse not to, or changed the subject. In fact, I didn't even know exactly where he lived, nor did I have his home number (well I still don't have that).

I met his brother Geoff, whose partner has just moved out from him. He looks quite like Ed, but with more meat on him (see: office job/not a gym goer) and facial hair - the same, but different. Ed will be moving in with Geoff at Geoff's place in a few days, which will take him around another 20 minutes away from me. I can see another potential long distance relationship happening if things keep going. I wish I could make up my mind on that count!

I met his nutcase labradoodle dog, Tiger, who obsessively licked anything it could, including every item of clothing I wore, Ed, the furniture and the other dog. I felt like a dog popsicle or something. Yick!

I met his mother's freaky staffy terrier, Shelby, who seemed like a nice dog in general, but is in definite need of doggy therapy - far too clingy for any self respecting canine to be behaving and a penchant for sitting on you and as close to your face as possible. Unnerving! I kept wondering when it was going to bite, but I'm not sure it even knows how.

All in all, I'm not sure how to take the invite to his house. He said I should feel privileged. It was in a joking manner, so he wasn't being obnoxious. I think he was trying to say that he doesn't invite girls around all the time...or maybe he says that to all the girls. LOL :-/

I don't know if it was progress to go there. It could still simply be that he's had nothing better to do over the weekend and he just couldn't be bothered driving all the way down here.

Either way, I'm not letting the emotional side of me get too worked up about it all. I can't anyway, because the analytical side of me is taking up all my time and energy just trying to work out what the hell is going on.

Meanwhile, I'm home, smell like dog and feel like I have toxic waste all over me, so there's going to be some serious cleansing before bed. My poor clothes!

Things of stone and wood

I'm going to the hairdresser today. He'll probably tell me most of it's missing and charge me only half as much as usual.

I think it's been a very long time since I've found someone so difficult to read as Ed.

He walked in my door last night and hugged and kissed me like he hadn't seen me in three months. He does that...won't let go of me for at least the first 10 minutes and if I have to do anything in that time, I have to do it with him attached and holding my hand.

He knows me trying to talk to him is like talking to a stone and expecting an answer, so naturally, he questioned my level of grumpiness as soon as he walked in. I wasn't grumpy at him, just frustrated, but I've had a headache since Thursday, so I wasn't exactly skipping around the house. He seemed genuinely concerned that I wasn't feeling well and said he was happy to just stay home and not go out for the night.

We went out and got a movie and some take-out and just chilled. He can be the sweetest guy. He opens the car door for me, has to hold my hand wherever we go, is always kissing and hugging, touches my hair and says I'm pretty. Who wouldn't want that?

After the movie I tried as hard as I could to get a straight answer out of him about what he thought, what he's interested in and what he'd like. The only answer I got was, "well I'm here aren't I?" repeatedly, and reminded me that, despite his dislike of the phone, he's called me for up to an hour every day since I asked him to keep in touch. If I had had something solid to hit him with, I would have. He's the world's best staller and subject changer. He will do whatever it takes to avoid answering questions on his intent or feelings.

I did ask what he expected from me and told him I'd been invited out on dates with other people (turned down a visit to the art gallery last week that I should have gone to!), and he said, "well I can't stop you". Gggrrrrr!

We were discussing work, courses and various things we'd done or would like to do and in the middle of it I received another, "well I'm here, aren't I?" line, so I asked why. He said, "because you're beautiful and you're smart". Well, if you know I'm smart, then you must know I'm smart enough to know you're keeping your options open too, so why not just say it?

The guy is so much fun to be with and he keeps coming back - all initiated by him - but talking to him about anything midly related to how he feels is like talking to the wall.

So, in essence, I got nowhere last night except that he asked to come back again and wanted to know when I'd see him next. I told him he could come back tonight if he wanted to, but to let me know early enough if he's not going to so that I can make other plans. Methinks I'll devise a backup plan just in case.

I don't know yet whether the level of frustration/doubt is enough to walk away from all the good, positive, fun things yet. I haven't decided. I thought I had, but now I'm just confused. LOL

No wonder I have a headache!

He woke me at 4.30am this morning and did things that only a tall, dark, handsome guy can do at that time of the day.

There are certain things in life for which a girl will accept a small amount of mental frustration.

I think it's how I look

So I was just sitting here scrolling through some personals pages. I realised that everyone my age looks a lot older than me. Even people younger than me look older than me.

I think it's part of the problem in my attempts at finding a guy...well maybe.

Could it be that because I look so much younger than I am that guys my age don't take me as seriously, or perceive me to be less mature? I dunno.

Being young looking and blonde certainly sometimes has its definite drawbacks. Sure, it helps in a lot of ways - I got a good deal on my car lol, but in other ways I feel as though it's a huge impediment.

I'm not interested in the guys 15+ years older who want some pretty young blonde handbag for the looks and who aren't interested in the substance. Nor do I want the 18-23 year olds who persist in contacting me because they 'like older women, but you don't look that old'.

I'm stuck in some sort of age timewarp. Maybe I should spend my afternoons sitting in the sun getting wrinkles like every other lemming.

One hopes that one day I'll come upon some attractive Peter Pan guy who also holds his age well.

Who ever thought it was an intelligent thing to start dating at my age?

My cats, my rulers, my babies

I'm a Leo chick. It seems fitting that I own cats, or rather, they own me. I've always had cats, mostly boys, but my current two are girls. Tiger striped tabbies. Their names are Aglio and Olio. That's garlic and oil, if you know your Italian. Sue me. I never said I wasn't odd. I have a girlfriend who says I should get a third cat and called it Parsley. I pondered the concept momentarily but decided that two other women in the house was enough.

Aglio is like the little kid you always see pulling on his mother's skirt in the shopping centre the minute she puts her attention to something else. She'll wake me in the night by tapping my face with her paw or trying to eat my ear. The latter of the two is something she's only recently mastered and I can't say it's all that pleasing to be woken by someone chewing and purring in your ear at 3.30am just coz they're bored with nothing to do....well unless they're tall, dark and handsome, then I might be accommodating to whatever's on their mind! *grins*

She's a terror. Always vying for attention and if she can't get it, she'll create a scene or annoy her sister till she gets whacked by her or I break it up, whichever comes first. Then she'll go back to being the sweetest little tigery patterned thing you've ever seen who can't seem to sit close enough to you. Beside is not good enough. On is imperative. Oh, and that's food on your plate? Whatcha got? Oh no, she doesn't beg. She just wants to know what you're having. She has to know everything. Hmmm....takes after her mother...

Olio is sweet and affectionate. Always says hello when you walk into the room and purrs like her little two stroke engine is about to go into overdrive. She has the softest white fur on her belly and pretty black mascara around her eyes. But she's a little odd. She has a shoe fetish. It doesn't matter what shoe, or whose, but if she sees one, she has to check it out. I think shoe smells set off some sort of hormonal imbalance in her. She honestly can't resist. I've seen cats before grab shoes and play with laces or bite the sides. No, Olio doesn't do this. She'll sniff, rub and carress, then suddenly force her whole head inside the shoe as far as she can push. It's rather odd to watch, but a good conversation topic for folks who drop by. "Here's my cat, Olio. She has a shoe fetish. She takes after her mother. Wanna see my leather stuff upstairs?..."

That reminds me of when I first brought them home. I was living with my ex and they were so small I could carry them both in one hand. So tiny, so fragile. I can't even remember where I'd gone this particular day. Maybe to work, maybe just shopping. But I came home and went to see where they were. I found Algio pretty quickly. Shake food box, Aglio appears. Magic!

But Olio was nowhere to be seen. Then across the back yard I saw a cat food tin....with legs and fur and no head....and not moving. Upon inspection, I discovered that Ms Olio had obviously decided I hadn't quite got all the food out and she'd help herself and in doing so had got herself firmly stuck half way into the tin. Panic!!

My immediate thought was that she'd suffocated from lack of air, but she moved and I started to breath again. My next fear was worse. What if, in my attempts at tin removal, I tear her poor little head off? Or even an ear? Thankfully, without much pulling, her little head popped out. But man, she stunk more than a fish market! Sunshine, hot cat food remnants, kitten fur and lack of air all combine to produce some pretty mean odours!

I can tell you, after that episode, and the subsequent head being scrubbed under the tap episode, it amazes me that, four years later, she's still sticking her head into stinky places and seems to quite enjoy it.

Baby did a bad, bad thing

I don't like to waste peoples' time. I don't like my time wasted. Frankly, this past two weeks has worn me out.

I've been struggling with the two sides of Ed. There is the guy who's affectionate, funny, charming, opens doors for me, tells me I'm pretty/beautiful and whose company I enjoy. Then there's the Ed who says he's honest, but isn't, says he's not keeping his options open, but is, gives out hope when there is none and insists on being deceitful even when I've called him on it.

So, like I said, I don't want to invest my self, my time and my emotions into something that's not going to go somewhere. As much as I hate to admit it, I set up a dummy profile on the site we met on - where it's free to chat - and started talking to him last night.

I eventually got him talking about me and what's going on with us. Most of what he said, I already knew, but I needed the confirmation in order to decide what I was going to do.

1. he is NOT seeing/sleeping with anyone else
2. he IS keeping in touch with other girls and keeping his options open
3. he says I'm too nice....why do guys like girls to be bitches?
4. he says if he was with me he'd probably stray..I assume coz I'm too nice??
5. he does like talking to me
6. he says this is the stage he backs off at...I guess that means the point where it gets 'official' or not.
7. he did feel really guilty about how he's treating me - and so he should

Meanwhile, I was talking to him on line as me too and he was going on about how I think too much and all that jazz. Mind you, it was almost 1am and I was starting to get a bit narky (have had a huge headache since yesterday morning), but the conversation till then had been fairly light. Kinda ended a bit badly though. Well we left it hanging, didn't say goodnight etc.

He's coming over tonight...if we get past today's phone call. I'm thinking of just telling him that my gut tells me he's not as into me as I'd like and that if that's the case I'd prefer we just let it go. I don't want to play games or compete with anyone else and I certainly don't want him considering other options and keeping me around till something better comes along. I don't want to waste my time on that stuff, but it's not a conversation I want to have over the phone either.

I know I probably shouldn't have made a new profile up to talk to him on. It makes me just as dishonest as him. But seriously, how long was I supposed to wait till he either told me how he felt or simply moved on? In my book, that situation is not good enough. Tell me now, let me deal with it, I'll be fine.

Yup, I did a bad thing in order to protect myself, but I'm not sorry about it. I will not be mislead or treated in a lesser manner than I deserve. It's as simple as that really.

Hopefully, Stew and I can hang out this weekend. His new interest has gone a bit weird on him as well, so it might be nice to catch up and go do something fun together to get our minds off things.

At least I'll have some good company back up there on that top shelf. :-)

Sitting on the shelf

I really like my friend Stewart. He contacted me on match.com a few months back and we just clicked straight away. Although, he tells me he was nervous the first time he met me. I'm seriously not that scary! Really!

I was with D at the time, so we got ourselves firmly entrenched in the 'friendship zone' right from the start. We sometimes talk about 'coulda been', but I think we both prefer it that we're just friends.

We both seem to have a similar problem. He fixes the girls he meets, and I fix the guys I meet and off they go and find someone else. Stew calls it 'reprogramming'. We take people down off the shelf, dust them off, give them a good polish, fit them with improvements, make adjustments, and someone else comes along and snaps them up at a bargain price.

My boss saw that I was talking to E the other day and E made the comment, " just tell him its very important, you are getting old and you don't want to be left on the shelf, this might be your last chance to avoid becoming a old spinster. I'm sure he will understand".

Well that prompted me to ask him if I'd been taken off the shelf, to which he responded that I'm pretty close to my use by date. I told him that even if I get past my use by date, I'll still be damn fine quality goods coz I'm one of a kind. To this, he agreed. Ha!

I hope I'm not just being dusted off and reprogrammed.

Then again....there's a really nice view from the top shelf...and plenty of room. :-)

Tante lingue!

I'm bored. Wednesday night tv leaves a lot to be desired. Maybe I should change my gym night to Wednesdays.

Because of this lack of boxed entertainment, I figured I'd take a cyber tour through the World of Blog.

I thought I was generally intelligent until it became apparent that I'd never considered there would be blogs in so many different languages! Italian, French, a myriad of Asian languages, Indian, and of course English in various forms. I'm proud to say I can understand a fair few of these enough to figure out what they're on about.

But then there are languages that just perplex me. I found this one and got lost at WoohHoo..!

w0ohHo0..! at last i can post. knn peh blogger! lolx. herpiHERPIherpi! ahakx! sian ar su! 0k. recap 0f tis week. Saturday - Slacking Day! Sunday - Stay at h0me! Monday - n0tin special! Tuesday - G0t my beg baCk fr0m him! n yea..f0und out dat pers0n isn't bisu afterall! lolx~

Todae arh?? n0t sure ar jaCk! ahakx. 0k. had my ups and d0wns. slept at malay class den w0ke up i bad m0od lia0! s0rie ar sHaz! den Eng..the guys plan ab0ut Raziqin's Bdae Bash 2m0low. lame xia! but i kp02 oni! hehx. after sch0ol i was irritating again. buT tis time sHaz urmmm n0t suRe ar! hehx. saw a glimpse 0f him. glimpse je tak lebih. ahakx. k aku mepek! went t0 shaz's crib. den t0 mine's. did 0ur CME project. den pr0ceed ljs. t0ok 39 g0 home.

Anyone know a good interpreter?

Nobody fell in a ditch today

After our talk last night, I thought I'd get a simple text message from E today to let me know he's still alive and hasn't driven into a ditch or been rushed to hospital with some strange disease.

Instead, I got a phone call that lasted just short of an hour. It's amazing how much more pleasing things are when you lower your expectations. No, don't get me wrong, I have high expectations about how I want/need to be treated, but truly, I would have been pleased even if he'd just sent me a text message that said, "I haven't fallen into a ditch".

We had a great conversation about trust, jealousy and flirting and our views on each. We're both terrified of being hurt again - who isn't?

But there's progress. It's slow, but it's there. :-)

Sometimes I think the strangest things

I've had this guy working for me for the past two days. Michael, a Chinese guy who's studying banking and finance. He's also a qualified interpreter. So what's he doing for me? Data entry! Boring data entry; name and address type stuff. But he sits there each day quietly plugging away at it and seems quite happy. He's a nice guy, tall, slim and very softly spoken.

So, we had a bit of drama with our accounts department today. Their electronic banking data would not submit into our database. Since I (and my partner in crime, who's currently on holidays) look after the database, I had to work out why. Now we're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars here, so I wasn't about to rush into doing something I wasn't sure of, but the guys I work with started to panic and wanted to call my boss (who's interstate right now) and/or get in a consultant to fix the problem. The thing was, nobody had worked out what the problem was.

Now, I'm all for teamwork and helping people out - it's part of my job...but don't tell me HOW to do my job and when I say (after some analysis) that the problem is in the data, not the database program a) believe me b) there's not much I can do c) it's up to the accounts department to find out where the error is and resubmit the data.

This would be easy if the accounts staff were not also on holidays and the senior accountant had his teenage son working on the data importing. Did I mention we're talking multiple files of hundreds of thousands of dollars? So the teenage brainiac, after I successfully imported one file, wanted to make sure it worked so he tried to import it AGAIN. How much brain does it take to work out that if you import something twice, you get twice the data?

At this point, I stopped being my nice passive geek chick self and raised my voice, said the F word more often than I care to admit and called the teenage brainiac an insect.

Eventually, I managed to do most of the work the accounts department said they couldn't do, but told them the rest was their problem. They didn't like it, but what can I do? I'm a tech geek, not an accountant.

Later, I'm back at my desk and watching Michael tapping away and it occured to me he probably thought we were all a bit highly strung - me explaining to 3 other tech guys that NO we don't need to get in a consultant OR call our boss, them suggesting we just keep restarting the server to see if that'll fix it ("yes guys, you can handle the calls from the other users who you've crashed out of the system in the middle of something"), and the million and one phone calls to the accountant and his freaky teenage son.

It got me thinking. I wonder if Michael ever gets mad or yells, or swears, or even leaves the cap off the toothpaste. I bet he doesn't, coz at one point I looked over at where he was working and I couldn't even tell if he was there or not. I could see the back of his chair, but a monitor was in the way, so I couldn't see him. He's just one of those guys who blends in.

Maybe I couldn't see him because he doesn't belong to our crazy world. His quiet, passive, content world just seems to have merged with ours for a while. And I wonder who's on the outside looking in, me, or him?

I miss Jason

Jason is a Major in the United States Marine Corps. He's an FA-18 pilot. I've known him two years and we've built a friendship like I've not experienced with another person before. There is complete trust and honesty.

He's married. It's not an issue. Our friendship/relationship doesn't violate that in any way and he's completely in love with S. I wouldn't want it any other way. I haven't met her, but she knows of me and I talked to her briefly on chat once about 9 months ago.

He left for Iraq for six months 5 days ago. My heart hurts to the point where it's a physical pain.

I worried when he went to North Korea when there was trouble there.

But this is different.

Godspeed Jason. I love you.

Semper Fi!

The 'talk'....sort of

Ed and I had a kind of 'talk' over our childish dinner, which he was expecting and initiated. I had brain freeze though, so I wasn't too pleased with myself. He asked what the rules were and all I could come up with was something dumb like 'be nice to me and treat me well'. Ugh! I should have written it down like he asked!

Honesty, faithfulness, attentiveness. That's pretty much all that I'm after (why couldn't I think of this last night?) - and that he keeps in touch. We had different ideas on this. I told him I didn't need to hear from him constantly, but at least once during the day so I know he's out there somewhere. I don't need to know what he's doing every five minutes. Once a day, at least, is bearable for both of us, so we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, we agreed neither of us would see anybody else and he said some things that eased my mind. The *IBSC did me over today and I was thinking all sorts of things. He told me that he'd been painting all day...of course, I couldn't believe that till I actually saw the paint on his hands. Stupid IBSC!! GGrrrrr!

'Some' of my worries are lessened. I think I've worked out kinda why I had worries in the first place, and it's not really to do with what I thought it was, so that's something for me to ponder. This is the first time I think I've really gone through the 'pre-dating' stage, where you've met someone, you think you like them and they like you, you're not sure where it's going to go, you're not quite 'official', but you don't want to see anybody else. I really don't like it! The vulnerability makes me seriously uncomfortable.

Well, there's that and there's the fact that he can't seem to just spit out that he does have other girls he chats to on line. He's not outright denying it anymore, but he won't come out and say it either. As long as it doesn't affect our interaction, I won't mind so much, but it's early days so only time will tell. But that's probably a whole other musing some other time.

Overall, I really enjoy his company - we have fun, obviously - so I'm just gonna try to enjoy it for what it is right now and just let it flow....as long as the IBSC stays away from me!!

* IBSC - Itty Bitty Shitty Committee - those voices in your head that cause doubt, anxiety, insecurity and shut out the voice of reason and logic.

Not quite so grown up

I couldn't be bothered retyping and rethinking, so I've cut and pasted a post I put on a message board I belong to. I'm not going to say what it is or where it is, because I haven't decided who I'm going to allow to see my blog and I don't know if I want all that many people seeing my blog AND my message board posts.

My date with Ed last night...

He comes to my place to pick me up. On the way to the cinemas we drive past a flower shop. "Stop", I say, "gimme $10 and I'll run in and pick what I like, save you the trouble". The lights change, so I stay put and agree to wait till next time.

We get to the pancake place and decide we don't know how hungry we are, but we know we're not hungry enough to have a meal and a dessert each, but we both want the same dessert, so we decide to share a meal and a dessert.

Time to order drinks. "I'll have lemonade...no... I'll have a raspberry icecream soda", I say. "Ooh", he says, "I'll have a blue one". Picture the table - one big pink drink, one big blue drink, icecream, bubbles flowing down the side, and straws that made that sucking noise when you got to the bottom of the glass - like school kids.

Dinner comes and we fight for equal rights to cajun chicken on a buckwheat pancake with salad. Methinks he won that battle. But I was preparing for the second assault....involving chocolate pancakes, cherries, icecream, chocolate sauce, cream and chocolate sprinkles. I won!

Dinner was over and he wasn't humiliated enough. He needed more. After his beating at Daytona on Saturday, you'd have thought he would have learnt that I am the master when it comes to car races, but no, he decides to try his luck at another one. I told him he'd be sorry. I gave him opportunity to pick another game. He chose humiliation for a second time, crashed his car and I reigned supreme once again...pipped him right at the post.

So...after our kiddies drinks, chocolate pancakes and car races, what movie did we go see? Garfield!! Of course! LOL

See? Just because you're grown up, doesn't mean you have to behave that way all the time! hehe

Guy brains

Ed finally called.

There are some major differences in the way men and women think. I've always known this. It shouldn't surprise me when it happens.

He said he hadn't called all day to confirm our date tonight, because we discussed it last night at 11.30pm on IM and we'd agreed on the time etc.

Ok, logic says that's reasonable. My girl brain says yes, but how do I know you didn't get stuck in a ditch, fall down a hole or get rushed to hospital in the meantime?

We think these things! Call us to confirm. Please!

Anyway, he said he's unclear of the 'rules' and that I should write them down and give them to him tonight. He shouldn't say things like that. I'll take it literally.

I suggested we consider a few terms and conditions over dinner.

Men!!

Ed

I thought I had nothing much to say when I set this blog up earlier today. In fact, it turns out I have so much on my mind, I'm not sure where to begin.

I'm at work right now. I should probably be doing something constructive for the money I'm earning. Instead, I'm here talking to myself.

I have a date tonight. Met a guy last week. His name is Ed and he's a Pisces. That wouldn't be so interesting except for the fact that almost every guy I've met in the last couple of years has been called Jason, James, Darren, Steve or Brett, with few exceptions - and the majority of them have been Aries.

But Linda Goodman's Sun Signs recommends I stay away from Ed. He's 35 and according to Linda, if he hasn't got his life together by now, he's going to end up a poor, alcoholic, temperamental potato farmer who doesn''t have enough money to put spinach on the table and if I end up with him I'll need to work two jobs in order for us to cope. It doesn't sound all that appealing and positive. I discussed this with Ed. He doesn't like the idea of becoming a potato farmer, nor do I want to work two jobs. But I'm jumping the gun here, so let's get back to today.

It's just after 3pm in the afternoon. We have a date for 7pm. I expected he would have been in contact by now to confirm...

Backtracking for a bit...I met Ed on a dating site Saturday week ago. I liked his profile so I sent a message to say hi. I honestly didn't expect a reply. Out of nowhere comes a myriad of dates, IMs and phone calls from Monday to Saturday - movies, dinner, bowling, nights in with chinese food.

There have been few people lately I've got on so well with in such a short space of time and he treats me wonderfully when we're together.

Can you tell there's a 'but' coming? There always seems to be a 'but'.

There are inconsistencies....I have his mobile number and I know the suburb he lives in, yet he won't tell me his home number or his address. Could be that he's just being cautious because it's early days? Perhaps.

He left my place at 10.30am last Saturday morning and was due back around lunch time. He stalled for over 6 hours and still I'm not sure if I got a reasonable explanation as to why. But after only a week are you allowed to question such long absences? We're not even 'official'.

There are other things causing my gut to question his integrity and the internal battle with myself to call it all off now before I invest more of myself, or to continue and see which of my gut, or my desire for his company, wins.

I hate the intial stages of dating. I'm not very good at it. I haven't done much of it because I've had live-in boyfriends most of my life. Dating protocols and 'rules' are new to me. Maybe I'll post specifically on that at some stage.

I'm starting to get annoyed. How can someone who makes you feel so good when you're with them make you feel so uncomfortable when you're not? And yet...I want to find out more about him.

Maybe I'll have some answers to those questions after our date tonight.

Wish me luck.

E :-)

My first posting....original huh!

Let's just see if this works huh, and take it from there.

E :-)