This situation gets to me

Rescuers have spoken to two miners trapped underground for five days at the Beaconsfield mine in Tasmania's north. Crowds are gathering at the mine site as efforts continue to bring Todd Russell and Brant Webb to the surface.

At this stage the condition of the two men's unclear. They were trapped one kilometre underground after a rockfall on Tuesday night, caused by a minor earthquake. Read more...

T was down a pit today. It's only occasionally that he goes down the mines for tours, or other things related to his job. Rationally, I know he (and his company) is very safety conscious, but things like this happen.

The fact that the mine in the above article happened to be a gold mine just brings it a little closer to home than I'd like. I'm more than grateful that he's not a miner or doing some other job that requires him to be underground more often than not.

I appreciate the fact that the bad things he's likely to run into daily only (ha!) include getting bitten by a snake/spider in the middle of nowhere, getting dehydrated in the middle of nowhere, hitting a kangaroo at 120kms an hour, or other fun stuff like that. :-p

I feel for the family who lost someone this week. I can also imagine the relief of the families who just found out their guys are ok.

Brain strain

Random thoughts. In no particular order.

Filling time

Got this from Risible Girl

I AM: procrastinating and currently uninspired
I WANT: to work in a job that's more fulfilling than this
I WISH: I could articulate my thoughts *at the time* I need to and not take so long processing them first
I HATE: ignorance and arrogance
I MISS: Sara and my niece
I FEAR: not taking chances because of fear
I HEAR: my fearless offsider talking
I WONDER: if 'love' is so subjective, how does anyone really know what it is?
I REGRET: nothing. I am sad that some circumstances have happened, but everything I've done has brought me to where I am.
I AM NOT: a party animal
I DANCE: nowhere near as much as I'd like to
I SING: All the time
I CRY: when I get emotional about something....happy or sad
I AM NOT ALWAYS: tidy
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: mess in my house. Can't blame anyone else for that, unfortunately.
I WRITE: poetry and short stories
I CONFUSE: T a lot, I think
I NEED: to take life less seriously sometimes
I SHOULD: drink more water and eat better
I START: thinking too much when I allow myself too much time to think
I FINISH: my cup of tea while it's still hot
I TAG: anyone who has nothing better to blog about right now.

Quiet remembrance

I arrived at the Shrine of Remembrance a little late, because it took me a long time to find a car space. I ended up having to walk quite a distance and was amazed at the number of people there for the ANZAC Day Dawn Service. The most striking thing about it all? It was cold and dark and there were so many people that you couldn't make your way through the crowd...but it was silent. Not a sound. So much so that it was eerie.













This is the eternal flame.

The sun hadn't come up when I got there, and there was a new moon in the sky that just seemed so right. Nobody spoke while the service was on and everybody sang the national anthem near the end. That surprised me in a good way, considering we're prone to making fun of our national anthem.

When I went a couple of years ago, there were a lot of families. This time, there were families, but also young couples, lots of people taking photos, but what I thought was really great, was the number of groups of young guys - late teens to early 20s. This was 6am, before sunrise and on a public holiday. Young guys don't usually get out of bed in those circumstances unless it's on fire. Made me proud, in a way.

As usual, I took lots of photos, but they're not fantastic because there wasn't a lot of light. I got some good sunrise shots, but they don't come close to showing how amazing the sunrise really was. I'll post about 30 pics (I took about 85, plus video!) to my other blog sometime during today.

I didn't stay to watch the march. I couldn't find my gloves and my hands were getting so cold that it was quite painful, so a couple more hours in the cold wasn't looking appealing. I'm not sure if you can tell from the photos, but my fingers were so red. I've been in the snow and my hands didn't hurt so much as they did this morning.

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

The name of John McCrae (1872-1918) may seem out of place in the distinguished company of World War I poets, but he is remembered for what is probably the single best-known and popular poem from the war, "In Flanders Fields." He was a Canadian physician and fought on the Western Front in 1914, but was then transferred to the medical corps and assigned to a hospital in France. He died of pneumonia while on active duty in 1918. His volume of poetry, In Flanders Fields and Other Poems, was published in 1919.

Well, how about that!

Tis the next stage in the battle with my phone company. I received a letter this afternoon from the telecommunications ombudsman.

"I have forwarded your correspondence to a high level complaint handling area at [company]. This will give [them] a final opportunity to resolve your complaint directly with you..."

I'm a little amused with the fact that they italicised 'high level complaint handling area' for emphasis. My idiot phone company now has two weeks to respond and attempt to resolve the issue. In the meantime, I'm not required to pay my bills. The skeptic in me thinks that the left hand won't talk to the right hand and they might try to restrict my services, but we'll see what happens.

In another show of stupidity, the same company mailed me a brochure today offering me a month's free trial of their broadband internet service......which I can't get in my area.

Stay tuned!

Reflection

It would make sense, seeing that I don't really feel like I have anything to write about, that I just wouldn't write. However, the frustration of not being able to properly formulate the thoughts in my head, has driven me to just start typing and see where it leads.

I did business with Ian yesterday and acquired an exercise bike. After trying for a ridiculous amount of time to get it into my car (for how long exactly does one try to fit a square peg into a round hole, before they give up?), we managed to make it fit...sorta. Of course, we picked a fabulous time to do this, and I drove off just as the rain started, with plastic bags (and a cool little red flashy light thing) covering the electronics.

But my luck turned, and I got it home, inside and assembled just as the Biggest Loser started. So I peddled away contentedly while I watched, rather than sit on my butt, on the couch, in training for what should be the next reality show - The Fattest Arse. Said fat arse is feeling the effects today, but not as badly as I expected. A good sign, I'd say. By the end of the week though, I'm sure I won't be able to feel my legs at all.











Tomorrow is ANZAC Day. I anticipate dragging myself out of bed in the middle of the freezing night and heading to the city to go to the dawn service. I went a couple of years ago and despite the cold and the dark - and the rain, it was awesome. I hung around for the march and ended up hanging out watching the parade with an older Navy Officer who was there by himself (well the rest of his group had duties, but he was recently transferred, so he just went along to watch). I doubt I'll stick around after the service this time though. Lack of sleep and a general feeling of blah I have right now will probably see me going home after the breakfast, and straight back to bed.

I have an overall sense of frustration with things at the moment. It's not one thing in particular, and it's not everything. I'm feeling flat. I know it's more to do with my thinking than anything else and I know I have to find a way to get myself into a better head space. The trick is figuring out the why, before I can work on the how. For various reasons, I haven't been to Al-anon for a couple of weeks. Hopefully I'll find a way to re-balance and re-focus tonight.

I am so tired. Sometimes I wish I had a hyperactive disorder, rather than a sleep disorder. At least then I'd be too busy doing stuff to think about stuff.

Sometimes...

...the world has to almost completely crash down around you, for you to look around at the pieces and put them all back together again...hopefully better than before.

Trippin' out

T and I had an awesome few days together. There were a few trying moments, but that's ok. We sorted them out for the most part, and I think a lot of it was/is anxiety about me moving. I put some down to that and some down to....eh, just normal stuff.

The weather wasn't brilliant at times, although mostly we were lucky. I thought it wasn't too cool. T thought it was super cold, and that kinda amused me. He'll get his own back when I move there though, coz I will be complaining about the heat, I'm sure!

We (well, he) spent an insane amount of money on books. I think we both have a bit of an addiction and we would have bought twice as many books as we did if we didn't restrain ourselves. As it was, he had to leave the last book he bought with me, because there just wasn't room in his luggage.

On Monday night, we went out to dinner with some of my girlfriends and their husbands. T seemed comfortable with everyone and they liked him, so I am pretty happy about that.

As usual, I took lots of photos, however it was overcast and rainy at times, so some pics aren't terrific. Also, I have to figure out how to not over-expose photos in bright sunlight/glare. Overall, they came out ok, I think.

We made a list of things we need to do in order to get things organised for my move and we've started working on that. Working on it is definitely easier than thinking about it. I've told my dad my plans and he's sworn to secrecy till I'm ready to tell everyone else. He's cool about it, which is nice and really helps.

There's no 'next trip' planned yet, because the boy is unsure of his work schedule. I'm banking on it being on or before mid May. I may lose my mind if it's any longer than that.

I did not teach her this!

She has a serious thing for peas. I don't know where it came from, but all she has to do is see a pea and she goes crazy. If she can't have peas, carrot, corn or beans will suffice, but it's peas that she's completely addicted to. I could put a piece of meat beside a pea and she'd choose the pea. Her sister? Couldn't care less for either.

This is 'her chair'. She sits with me while I eat dinner, every night, hoping I'll have peas and share with her. Tonight, I wanted to eat in peace, so I made her a plate of her own. The video I took is way funnier than the photos, but it is too big to post here.

The boxing gloves are out!

Howdy folks, I'm back, but I'm not in a pleasant mood right now, so I'll leave it till tomorrow to update on our trip (lots of photos to upload too!).

No, I'm in battle mode now. You see, the phone company I am so unfortunate to be contracted to has decided to play hardball with me. Last week, they played nice and pretended to come to the party. This week, they've put restrictions on my phone/s....despite me paying what (I thought) we agreed to.

So, I've spent the last three and a half hours typing out a nice little 5 page letter of gripes and a list of ways in which I was mislead and deceived, and that will be faxed to the telecommunications ombudsman tomorrow morning.

I'm almost prepared to go to the point of contacting one of those current affairs shows that thrive on this kind of story...this saga has about driven me that insane.

Now I'm going to go and have icecream and two minute noodles (not necessarily in that order) for dinner. I need comfort food!

Two, twenty four, five

Two of us. Twenty four hours till he's here. Five days together. I can't wait!

I took this silly shadow photo when we went fishing, when I was over there last. It's not the most flattering of either of us. Layers of clothing on me pretty much make me shapeless and he looks like he has the world's longest legs. Mind you, I like his long legs. I'd swap mine for his, if I could.
On Friday, we're going to head north to Chiltern, which is an old historic town. Yet again, without realising (because I've never been up that way before), I'm taking him to an old gold mining town. I've done well so far, planning all our trips, by chance, to places where there are lots of rocks and/or gold mines. The boy, being a geologist whose job it is to look for the shiny yellow stuff, has been pleased, to date. I hope it continues.

We'll be there for two days, then back here Sunday, with not much else planned for the rest of the time he's here. It'll be nice to just chill around at home for a while.

I might check in some time tomorrow, amidst all the craziness that is my preparation for a visit. If not, I doubt I'll be around for the next few days, so have a great and safe Easter, and I'll be back with an update on Wednesday.

Family - part 9 - the straw & the camel

I posted about my latest family situation last Saturday. Mum sent me a text message tonight, saying:

R says they didn't see you on Sat night. What happened? Can you meet them this Friday on their way back, at dinner with C & A? Disappointed to miss you. Are you well and happy? xx

On their way back from where?

I replied.
No, because C didn't ring me till 6 on Sat night & it wasn't up to me to invite myself to dinner that everyone organised earlier and didn't tell me about. I was sick on Sun. Nobody phoned to say they were here or to talk, so it looks like they're not so interested to catch up anyway. T will be here tomorrow and we're going away for Easter.

Mum:
I'm so sorry. R really does want to see you but they're way down Wilson's Prom now. C must be more sensitive. Do try to meet them on Fri. xx

Me:
It's not up to C to phone for someone else. If R wanted to see me, she could call. We have accommodation 3 hours away on Friday so we won't be here anyway.

Mum:
A bit harsh. It was a chance for you all to see each other, not a formal dinner party. If you cared, you'd have joined them at the last minute. C was rude to leave it so late to call you.

If I cared??? WTF?

Me:
Maybe harsh, but it's not ok to not be told by the person who says they want to see me then expected me to be free at the last minute. R has never phoned so I stopped a long time ago. She doesn't know me and isn't that interested if she couldn't even let me know she was coming down. That's not C's or your responsibility. I don't really want to talk about it.

Right now, mum will be stressing out, no doubt crying and has probably called one or all of my sisters and my brother, or sent them text messages, at the very least, to see why I'm being so mean.

She probably thinks I'm mad at her. I'm not. I am annoyed about getting second hand information. I'm annoyed that I'm expected to feel guilt over this. I don't. I'm doing what I need to do for me and what is right for me. I considered sending her a message to say as much, but that would do no good.

This is just the start, and there'll be ramifications from my stubborn actions (as it will be determined to be). Might end up being the catalyst for the "I'm moving to Perth" conversation.

A win for the little guy....um, girl

There's something rather satisfying about getting a call from the finance department of your phone provider and telling them that things are going to be on your terms, not theirs.

Yesterday I shed tears of frustration from trying to get answers from yet another person who told me, "they should have explained that when you took on the contract". T was ready to go postal on every person I've ever spoken to at that damn company.

Today I got a call from a woman who said I had to call their finance department. Before I did, I decided I was going to tell them I would pay exactly what I was told I was going to pay each month, and nothing more, and that I was going to complain to the telecommunications ombudsman and if there were any payments we agreed on after that, I'd pay them off after I cancel my contract (early) when I move.

I don't think I've ever dealt with a finance company person before who has actually agreed that I should dispute what I owe and that I should take my complaint further (even giving me advice! ha!).

I'm not completely happy, because this saga is not yet over, but it's the first time in months I feel like I've had a win with these idiots and that's a good feeling.

Time cube

I was trying to think of a title to this post and I landed on this website. I read the first few lines ("The half of Earth seen from space, cannot exist without the opposite half not seen... existing as opposite values...") and thought it was interesting. After that my brain started to hurt.

Anyway, it has nothing to do with what I want to say. I think I need Ian's time machine. Not to go anywhere, but to stay in this space, or at least slow things down for a while.

Under normal circumstances, ten weeks would seem like a long time. When I consider that I'll be moving to the other side of the country in ten weeks, it's starting to look like no time at all. I don't operate well with too much time to think. I tend to think of all the things I have to do and see them all in one big snowball that's precariously sitting at the top of the mountain I'm about to climb. I don't want to get buried beneath its weight.

Somehow, I need to start separating all the things I need to do, and start doing them one by one. Right now, I don't know where to start. The mix of emotions I'm feeling is making me a little crazy.

Mostly, it's fear. Of what? I don't know. Just fear.

Flee. Freeze. Fight. I'm not going to flee. I am frozen. I want to fight. I don't know what to hit first.

I'm tired today.

I'm a bit slow sometimes.

I'd blame my sleepiness for this one, but I've had my drugs already today and this isn't just a 'today' thing. (Mind you, I'm about ready to take some more and it's only lunch time.)

Part of my job is to help teachers when they're having troubles with our database - if they can't find information, don't know how to enter information, something isn't working for them, etc... At certain times of the year, most teachers just get emails from me chastising them for not doing something on time - because when they don't do their work on time, it makes it harder for me to, so at those times, they don't often get emails from me when I'm being my usual charming, lighthearted self.

However, the rest of the time, I try to keep my emails light and friendly. I'll make jokes and sign my emails "E :-)", not with my full name and title etc. Being that formal is not really me anyway.

I've been helping one teacher on and off for a week or so, in person and over email. I sorted out what I think will be his last issue (hopefully) this morning.

Then I realised his name is Adam and that just weirded me out.

Pass the tissues please, babe.

I mentioned to the boy that I watched Oliver Twist this afternoon. We talked about which version and who was in it, including Geoffr3y Rush and El!jah Wo0d. He hasn't seen any of the LOTR movies, because he's not into movies much and even less into science fiction type stuff. I suggest he should see them, and maybe he'll find he enjoys the LOTR movies.

My boy then tells me that he'd probably find himself unable to sit for so long, and would much rather watch a chick flick. Despite not being a movie watcher, I know he does like a good girl movie. Mind you, he did say he'd do work on the computer while I watched a movie. Being that that's not quite the point of it all, he's lucky that comment was made over the phone. It saved him from a poke in the ribs.

Anyway, I've come up with a short list of movies I might subject him to, including, but not limited to:

Serendipity
50 First Dates
Only You
The Notebook
Sense and Sensibility
My Best Friend's Wedding
Love Actually (although it did nothing for me)
Sliding Doors
A Walk to Remember

....and I'm going to get the whole series of Ghost Whisperer. That damn show always makes me cry. Just the type of stuff the boy should endure like.

Photo synthesis #2

Thank you to those who emailed me or left comments on their favourite pics for the photo competition I've entered. I didn't realise it'd be so hard to decide which ones to use. I could have picked a dozen. Entries close tomorrow night, then 6 finalists are chosen. After that, people get to vote on the winning photo. I hardly think I have even a remote chance, but stranger things have happened. Wait and see, I guess.

Here are links to the 5 I submitted.

Pic 1. This is the beach near Spiky Bridge on Tasmania's east coast.
Pic 2. Port Campbell, near the border of Victoria and SA.
Pic 3. Yanakie, Victoria, looking towards Wilson's Prom.
Pic 4. Fisheries Beach at Bremer Bay, WA.
Pic 5. Lake Burbury, near Queenstown, Tasmania.

Wish me luck!

Family - part 8

My mum called. Last week she'd told me that middle sister might be moving to Sydney at the end of the year, because her new boyfriend was being assigned there by the Navy. Those plans have changed. He's now being transferred to Fremantle....half an hour from where T lives in Perth. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I still haven't said anything to my family about me moving.

Next, she asked me if I had plans for the weekend. I said no. I should have known that was a loaded question. Youngest sister and her family are down here this weekend. They've known about it for a while, because they've organised to go out to dinner with my brother tonight (Sat) and lunch tomorrow. Mum says they really want to see me and I should ring my brother, because they were going to invite me to dinner. I didn't ring my brother. I don't see that I should be expected to call and invite myself along to dinner when they could have and should have called me, long before today, if they wanted to see me that badly.

My brother eventually rang just after 6pm and apologised for not remembering to call sooner. He asked if I wanted to meet them for dinner. I said no, it's short notice and youngest sister could have called prior to flying down here. He said they're all going out to lunch tomorrow and asked if I wanted to go. I said I'd let him know tomorrow. I'd rather scrub my floors.

I am not at all pleased that I'm expected to drop everything at the last minute to play happy families with people who aren't even courteous enough to let me know they'd be here in advance. I'm not pleased that my mother was the one to tell me. This was not a last minute thing. They won the trip in a competition. It's also not the first time they've come down and I've either not known, or they haven't contacted me.

To be honest, I'd rather they didn't contact me and I'd rather I wasn't invited out. I haven't seen youngest sister in years and she's never picked up the phone to call. I don't know her anymore and she has no clue about me or my life or who I am, other than what mum passes along second hand.

I am not ready to say what I need to say to everyone. I know I need to do it soon.

The third gem was when mum was telling me about an evening out that she'd had with her friends. They went to see a choral group....one I'd auditioned for and was accepted into while I still lived at home. I moved to Sydney to be with my boyfriend instead. I was 17. I didn't know better... Apparently she sat there and was sad because, "that could have been you up there". Gee, thanks for making me feel good.

I'm tired, narky and haven't taken my drugs today. T got a punctured tyre in the middle of nowhere and almost stepped on a snake today. I'm looking forward to going to bed.

And someone needs to buy my weather pixie a coat.

Pixie-lated

I think my weather pixie is a little confused.

At 9.30pm the other night (don't ask me why it says 8.30pm), it was damn cold...icy...and she's wearing a napkin for a top, and her feet are practically bare. She's doing marginally better now, at 5.30pm, but seriously, put a jacket on already!

Maybe she's an alien and can't feel the cold?
Hmmm...on second thoughts, I'd say she's a teenager, choosing fashion over warmth.

Fat chance of that!

Women tend to put on weight and eat more unhealthily when they move in with a boyfriend, a study suggests.

But Newcastle University dieticians said, in a review of seven studies, that men seemed to become more healthy after they began co-habiting. more...

T cooks. Real meals. Healthy stuff. I don't. Cooking irritates me. Toast is on my dinner menu more often than it should be. I think, I am hoping, the reverse of the above will apply to us. He'll be doing the majority of the cooking and I'll clean. We've agreed to that.

There is no way I'm gonna let myself become a fatty boombah when I move in. How would I ever get myself into that wedding dress Ian and Monica suggest I'm gonna need sometime soon? Haha!!! I crack myself up sometimes... :-p

It ain't in the fine print....a consumer rant

I hate my phone company. Hate.Hate.Hate. And I don't hate many things.

I had a really good mobile provider - good service, good rates, simple bills and you could do everything on their website, including sending text messages, seeing your call costs/bill amounts in real time. I'd been with them for a while and I was happy. The only problem was that there were some places I went where I needed coverage and couldn't get it. An inconvenience, but not a huge deal.

My landline provider was ok too, but when I started making more long distance calls, I thought I should see if they could do me a better deal overall. I signed up for a package deal mid December, that included my landline and mobile. It looked really good.

Issue #1.
When I got my first bills, they'd charged for calls I'd made after I signed up, which were supposed to be free. They said my contract started when their billing period started. I said, no, my contract started when I signed up, so I'm not paying for those calls. "That should have been explained to you when you signed up." It wasn't. I'm not paying. They said fine.

Issue #2.
In my first landline bill, there were charges for calls back in September/October. I was pissed. I get billed monthly. They said it can take up to 6 weeks for the call details to come through to them. Mind you, it doesn't take them 6 weeks to work out the bill!

Issue #3.
I get a massive bill (around $400) between Christmas and New Year. It includes installation fees from September and calls from November/December before my contract started. Why'd it take so long? It can take the line provider that long to pass on the information. Um, if they've been billing me since September, surely they can tell the phone is on and working??? I tell them they can wait a while for their money since they don't need it so bad, considering they took so long to get around to billing me.

Issue #4.
Call charges that I've been told would be removed, appear on my next mobile bill. I call to find out why. They say I have a zero balance according to their computers and to ignore it. Their computer says I owe nothing, but it prints a bill that says I do???

Issue #5.
Their offer states that you get $120 worth of included calls on both the landline and the mobile each month. That's $120 credit, right? Nope. It's $120 minus GST. Nowhere on their website, or in the paraphernalia I was sent when I signed up, does it say that. I say to the last guy I spoke with, "Do you see how that's false advertising? You guys charge us, then add GST, but when you're giving us a deduction, you include the GST, therefore making the deduction less. You're ripping people off." He says he can see my point. I also spent 45 minutes on the phone with this guy, in which he (and his supervisor) couldn't adequately explain to me how they reached the amount owing on my last bill.

Issue #6.
I ask the same guy why I'm being charged full rates on my long distance calls, when the whole point of signing up with them (prior to the new contract) was for the cheap rates I'd get. He says I lost those rates when I started the new contract. "They should have told you that when you signed up." They didn't.

I have read all the documentation they sent me when I signed up, and all their terms and conditions online.

* It does not specifically say that the rates I was on would not continue to apply on the new contract.

* It does not say the amount to be credited includes GST and is therefore less than what customers would assume it to be.

* In one brochure I was sent when I signed up, beside the specified long distance rates, it states separately, "choose your long distance plan". (Their website does not say this.) I am taking this to mean I should/could have kept my original call rates on my landline.

So....this little black duck is about to go to war with the phone company!

Their motto is "Yes". Let's see how agreeable they are when I say I'm not paying the extra charges, because I was mislead.

Snow? Here? Already?

It was warm last week! What happened? We obviously had to sacrifice our heat to get that hour back over the weekend.

City braces for winter blast

Melbourne is set to get an early taste of winter, with a cold front from the Antarctic due to hit the city this afternoon.

Weather bureau duty forecaster Stuart Coombs said the front, which was moving over Portland in the state's south-west, would hit Melbourne early this afternoon, bringing cold and squally west-to-south-westerly winds, showers and local hail and thunder.

...continued.

Appreciation

T does a lot for me. Not big things. Not extravagant things. Just little things, consistently. For me, it's the little things that add up over time and mean more than one big proclamation of (whatever).

If you're at all au fait with the 5 love languages, mine are words of affirmation and physical touch - yes, I have two. (Hardly surprising when you consider my childhood, really.) T hasn't read much of the book yet, but he already does a lot of the things I need. His 'languages', IMO anyway, are the same as mine, so fullfilling my needs comes fairly naturally to him.

Since he's so far away most of the time, I rely a lot on the things he says to me. The problem with having words of affirmation as my primary language, is that negative words are equally (if not moreso) as detrimental to me, as positive words are elevating.

Thankfully, the positive has always more than outweighed the negative, and so it should, in any relationship or other situation.

Others may not get the same kick from the things he gives me as I do, but I do, and really, the fact that he's thought about me and given me something that is very 'him', is what impresses me most. I love that the first thing he gave me was rocks. I love that he found me a piece of sandalwood when he was out the back of whoop-whoop, and bought me a swiss army knife to carve it with. I know the significance of him giving me flowers, and that means more to me than the flowers themselves. I give him credit for having the nerve to shop for a top for me, knowing what I'm like when it comes to shopping. It makes him feel good to make me a cup of tea first thing in the morning, when we're together. It makes me feel cared for. He's thoughtful, without having to think about it.

Nevertheless, it's words that mean the most to me, so I thought I'd share just a few. I know I don't normally post the more personal things about us here, but the boy deserves public recognition every now and then.

This is right. I want you in my life. I have no doubts. I want you to be over here with me. I love you so dearly. I would give the world to you if I could.....

You make me happy and make me want to be my best...

I love you baby and am always here for you....kiss you my special sweet pea...

Morning babe... Hope you had a good sleep and have a good day. I love you sweet pea lots and lots...

Because one was never going to be enough...
Love you. X [emailed with a photo of some flowers]

Little things. Big impact. How could a girl not feel special? :-)

Deflated

I know I get to choose my mood. Right now, I'm feeling pretty deflated. I got the guts up today to start contacting employment agencies in Perth. I've sent out a few emails, with as much information as I could, hoping to get some feedback/advice, so I'm semi-prepared when I get there.

I got my first response back not long after I sent the email. I knew that wouldn't be a good thing. I don't know what part of "I'd like to move away from ..... IT" the woman didn't get, but this was the response:

"...Whilst we occasionally receive an IT requirement from our clients, they are not very common. You may be more successful in registering with some of the specialist IT agencies..."

How the hell am I supposed to get anywhere if people aren't even going to freakin' read what I say? I said I didn't want an IT job!

I needed something positive. I needed to get some kind of guidance, not a brush off. I know it's only the first response, but the job bit of moving is the only bit that's really causing me great stress. I'm not sure why, but it is. Ok, I do know why. I want to know I'll be financially sound, because I do not want to rely on T at all. The thought of it makes me ill.

I just hope one of these places says they're willing to help me out before I get there, and actually pays attention to what I say/want. That can't be too much to ask.

I'm not sure if I want to email that woman back and tell her she didn't read what I said, and ask again for the information I requested. Part of me thinks that if they can't pay attention to an initial email, they're not going to put much attention into me.

I want to feel good about all of this. I know it's only one idiot. I wish it wasn't the first reply I got.

I'm so pissed off.

Seeing isn't believing...or is it?

I'm not sure where I'm headed with this thought process. I know what I want to say, I think. Trying to get it out in words that make sense outside of my head, might be the difficult part.

It's fairly common knowledge that people see what they want to see and don't often admit that what they're seeing isn't what they want, or isn't healthy to them, until they have absolutely no option but to admit it.

Hope is a powerful force. The smallest amount can be the biggest influence in a situation. A sliver of light that can shine so bright, that the ugliness of all that surrounds it can't be seen. It can make a person lost in the jungle hold on that extra day till they're rescued. It can make a cheater's partner stay, because he said he'd change.

But what is it that makes that light fade? Does the situation have to repeat itself just one last time? Does the person resign themselves to the situation, because they lose the energy to fight it? Or do they finally see that the hope is the strength inside of them, and that the light they thought was hope, was the situation reflecting that strength within...showing it to them... all along?

I think that until a person realises that the light of hope outside of them, therefore unable to be controlled by them, is really the strength within themselves, and that they hold the power over the situation, they'll remain.

I've done it. Everyone's done it, in one way or another. It's hard to watch someone doing it. Especially when you've done it yourself and you know how the story ends.

Along similar lines, but unrelated to all the above, is peoples' interpretations of what they see, hear and read. I saw an interview with J@mes B!lunt a couple of weeks ago. The interviewer was asking him about his song, G0odbye My L0ver, and queried which partner had left. He said that's the idea. It could be either one. People put their own take on lyrics and relate to them in their own ways. By not spelling out who actually left whom, he's able to have people hear it from whatever position they're in at that time. Smart, if you ask me, when it's your business to make people feel.

T wrote me a concerned email not long ago. I'd written some poetry a while back that he'd only just read. One was simply a thought process I'd had, that literally took me a few minutes to put down in poem form. The other was a combination of a few different peoples' issues and my thoughts on what their thoughts might have been. However, T thought I had been writing about him and he was worried that I had concerns I was keeping from him.

After I assured him there was nothing for him to worry about, and that other people had related to what I'd written, I was pleased...on a level. I'd achieved what I set out to do when I write...to make different people feel like the words were about them, or for them.

It's not something that can be forced, because contrived words rarely reach deep inside a person, or if they do, they don't stay there long. I don't write for anyone. I write spontaneously, impulsively. I find it difficult to write on demand about a specific topic. I've learnt the hard way to carry a notebook with me wherever I go, because if I don't put a thought down as soon as I can, I won't get it back in the same way some time later.

T said it's, "...as if there is a part of you that I don't get to see that might have a different take on things. Almost like there are two of you." I understand that, because sometimes I don't feel like me when I write. I don't know where it comes from. I don't think there are two of me, but some things definitely come from a different part of me that is separate from the 'me' I show the world.

But if people can feel and relate to what comes from there, then I know that what I'm doing is right, and it's what I'm supposed to do. I don't think you can get much better than that.

I need to get rich

I realised today that I need more money. Ok, it's not the first time that anyone's ever said they need more money, and not the first time the thought ever crossed my mind, but today I had a conversation with myself about it.

I've reached a point where I want to do things, go places, see things, buy things I like, and it's frustrating me that I've gotten to this point...and I can't do those things. Not all of them, and not right now. But when? And how?

I don't know whether I'm depressed, or inspired, or both. I think I need to start a paper round.

A nail in the coffin of health

For someone who is so anti-shopping, I've spent a huge amount of time in shops and shopping centres lately. I was back at my local shopping centre today sorting out, once and for all, the crystal glass saga that's been ongoing for seemingly ages. My mum said that now it's sorted and I've put money down on the damn things that the place will burn down now. Way to go for positive thinking, huh!

I was in a part of the centre I don't usually have a need to be in, and passed a nail salon. Those women wear masks so they can put all that poisonous crap on peoples' hands. The customers weren't wearing masks though. That doesn't quite compute with me. Nor does it make sense to me that, if the stuff you're putting on your hands is that toxic, why you'd do it in the first place. Noxious fumes can't be the only issue when you're dealing with all those chemicals. And they pay money to have it done.

Then again, people still buy cigarettes too...