Choice
This time two years ago, I was at Lake Tahoe on a day tour with one other couple and a tour guide who, if the other couple hadn't turned up, had decided he was going to take me on the trip in his pickup truck. Hmmm, I don't think so!
The next day, I jumped in a car with that couple and her newly married sister and brother in law, and we went on our own tour. That's right, before I'd even been in Reno for 4 days, I was travelling around the countryside with a bunch of strangers.....and nobody really knew where I was. Hell, I wasn't even sure where I was.
I knew before I even got on the plane that the person who said he'd be there at the other end, wasn't going to be there. The me of a few years ago would have struggled to get on the plane knowing that. The main purpose of my trip was to see the lovely Sara and be in her wedding party, but the idea that someone who I'd formed a connection with over quite a number of months, wasn't going to follow through when push came to shove, was hard to take.
Still, it was a conscious decision to get on the plane and create my own adventure once I got there, before I went to see Sara.
That trip was one of the best adventures - and misadventures - of my life. Lemons to lemonade.
It's interesting though, how we make - and continue to make - so many choices that are obviously destructive; detrimental ultimately to our selves.
We want to lose weight, but we'll ring and order that pizza. We want to be healthy, but we'll light that cigarette. We want to pass that test, but we put off the study.
They're the every day things that might make the road a little bumpier for ourselves. But what about the bigger things? What about those things we know are truly going to affect how we think about ourselves and how we relate to others? The things that fundamentally perpetuate our negative self images and cause us to think we're undeserving of good and positive things in our lives.
We'll tell a kid not to touch something hot, yet when we find something 'hot', we can't wait to grasp it with both hands, just to prove it's hot....and wind up being scalded. We know better. We know it's going to hurt. We know it might leave a scar. Yet, still we touch.
Why? Is it because we don't have enough faith to just believe that the thing is hot? Yes, of course we can see the flame and we know the heat can cause pain, so why don't we leave it alone? Or do we think we have to feel that pain in order to be able to comment on what it feels like? Or worse, do we think we deserve that pain, because we don't have the willpower to simply not touch?
Why has it become acceptable that we expect to feel pain, discomfort and hurt, over the expectation of feeling no pain or suffering? Why do we make choices that cause us more suffering, when we know the alternative won't make us suffer? Why is there a subconscious expectation that we don't deserve to not suffer? Why do we touch that flame with our right hand, when our left hand has already been scalded?
When you choose not to touch that flame, you're making the choice to have faith in the person who told you it's hot, and not to touch. You're making the choice to believe it's hot. You're making the choice to trust in your own good judgment. And you're making the choice to not act in a way that is going to be detrimental to you, physically and emotionally. Physically, because you're obviously going to get burnt. Emotionally, because you're going to kick and berate yourself and tell yourself how stupid you are for not making a better choice.
Both these things, repeated, determine our self worth over time. I used to be a person who had to touch the flame. Sometimes I still do. But mostly, I try to remind myself that I don't need to get burnt again to know that a flame is hot. I don't need to have yet another scar to remind me that I didn't trust myself. And I don't want to think that when someone says, "it's hot", I won't have enough belief that they're doing the right thing by me, and I'll have to find out for myself.
I want to believe and I want to trust, and I hope that in doing so, I can pass it forward and it'll come back to me. And if I'm gonna get burnt, I hope it'll be from something out of my control, and not because I stuck my hand somewhere it didn't belong.
The next day, I jumped in a car with that couple and her newly married sister and brother in law, and we went on our own tour. That's right, before I'd even been in Reno for 4 days, I was travelling around the countryside with a bunch of strangers.....and nobody really knew where I was. Hell, I wasn't even sure where I was.
I knew before I even got on the plane that the person who said he'd be there at the other end, wasn't going to be there. The me of a few years ago would have struggled to get on the plane knowing that. The main purpose of my trip was to see the lovely Sara and be in her wedding party, but the idea that someone who I'd formed a connection with over quite a number of months, wasn't going to follow through when push came to shove, was hard to take.
Still, it was a conscious decision to get on the plane and create my own adventure once I got there, before I went to see Sara.
That trip was one of the best adventures - and misadventures - of my life. Lemons to lemonade.
It's interesting though, how we make - and continue to make - so many choices that are obviously destructive; detrimental ultimately to our selves.
We want to lose weight, but we'll ring and order that pizza. We want to be healthy, but we'll light that cigarette. We want to pass that test, but we put off the study.
They're the every day things that might make the road a little bumpier for ourselves. But what about the bigger things? What about those things we know are truly going to affect how we think about ourselves and how we relate to others? The things that fundamentally perpetuate our negative self images and cause us to think we're undeserving of good and positive things in our lives.
We'll tell a kid not to touch something hot, yet when we find something 'hot', we can't wait to grasp it with both hands, just to prove it's hot....and wind up being scalded. We know better. We know it's going to hurt. We know it might leave a scar. Yet, still we touch.
Why? Is it because we don't have enough faith to just believe that the thing is hot? Yes, of course we can see the flame and we know the heat can cause pain, so why don't we leave it alone? Or do we think we have to feel that pain in order to be able to comment on what it feels like? Or worse, do we think we deserve that pain, because we don't have the willpower to simply not touch?
Why has it become acceptable that we expect to feel pain, discomfort and hurt, over the expectation of feeling no pain or suffering? Why do we make choices that cause us more suffering, when we know the alternative won't make us suffer? Why is there a subconscious expectation that we don't deserve to not suffer? Why do we touch that flame with our right hand, when our left hand has already been scalded?
When you choose not to touch that flame, you're making the choice to have faith in the person who told you it's hot, and not to touch. You're making the choice to believe it's hot. You're making the choice to trust in your own good judgment. And you're making the choice to not act in a way that is going to be detrimental to you, physically and emotionally. Physically, because you're obviously going to get burnt. Emotionally, because you're going to kick and berate yourself and tell yourself how stupid you are for not making a better choice.
Both these things, repeated, determine our self worth over time. I used to be a person who had to touch the flame. Sometimes I still do. But mostly, I try to remind myself that I don't need to get burnt again to know that a flame is hot. I don't need to have yet another scar to remind me that I didn't trust myself. And I don't want to think that when someone says, "it's hot", I won't have enough belief that they're doing the right thing by me, and I'll have to find out for myself.
I want to believe and I want to trust, and I hope that in doing so, I can pass it forward and it'll come back to me. And if I'm gonna get burnt, I hope it'll be from something out of my control, and not because I stuck my hand somewhere it didn't belong.
posted by E in Oz at 9:44 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 9:44 pm
9 Comments:
we prefer to suffer more, since suffering is ultimately didactic and cathartic at the same time. eventually you'll begin to want to 'get burnt' less (to use your great analogy, of course) as you gain more insight on things... and thus we all grow. I like this entry because it echoes a lot of my own personal beliefs -- i.e. having faith in people, faith in humanity in general... and in some ways it echoes my own belief in trusting people until they prove they cannot be trusted. in any case, insightful and thought-provoking. cheers. :)
If we went through life worrying about getting burned, we wouldn't be living in the moment. That's the key.
Yeah, I know- I don't always live in the moment but I certainly try.
Go with your gut, and go with it 100%. If you get burned, well, you get burned, but at least you enjoyed yourself before getting burned. If you were constantly worried, you wouldn't have enjoyed yourself as much as you could have.
Ramble much, RG?
Hi E...thanks for lookin for me a few days ago. I appreciated that. :)
In my opinion, the object of the game (and that's what this all feels like sometimes - I just don't know who the hell made the rules) is not to try to avoid suffering, but rather to continue to take risks, and to learn to recover from suffering faster. The stronger you get, the less suffering has it's way with you.
Lots of love,
S
This is why I think you guys rock.... y'all give such good feedback. :-)
Greyor...thanks for commenting. Hope you stick around.
well, I like what I've read this far, so I probably will. never hurts to have more lovely blogs to read -- except, of course, my schoolwork perhaps ;) peace.
E ~ it is funny for me (not funny ' ha ha ') to look back on 'us'. You and I. What has it been now - something like 4 or 5 years?
And to see where we've come. It's amazing to me the way you prove your own strength time and time again. Whether it's been something within your control, or without, you've got guts girlie.
Thanks for sharing it. Guess it reminded me (in my life) a bit of my personal relationship with A... and that 'choice' I've made. I started to address a Christmas card the other day to her - then CHOSE not to. It hurt a little, but it hurt a hell of a lot less than the alternative.
I believe we don't have to 'burn', per se, to know that we're alive (I HATE it when people say that!) I think it can be enough (if a person lets it) to breathe, to watch the seasons change, To sit on the beach and listen to the ocean (or watch the kangaroos out the window) - to live and love freely without remorse or guile and experience it all to its fullest.
I LOVE that you're so self aware sweetie - you're the best. My best friend (Yes - I do know that sounds very corny - but it is very true) And I love ya.
Sara
My question is how do I stop being attracted to the fire ?
Its such a difficult thing for me. I mean I know im going to hurt, but yet I still continue and repeat the patterns which cause pain, not only in myself but in others too who happen to bear the brunt of it.
Sara - you da gurl! xx
Consise - some of the most attractive things in nature are also the most deadly. ;-)
The problem is when we get used to the pain, we get scared of who we might be if we're not still feeling that familiar pain. I don't think I'm quite ready to accept that 'we're as happy as we choose to be'. However, I do think we can choose to be happy.
It's a process, Consise. It's just a matter of taking that first step... :-)
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