The wolf at the door
Maybe I should have titled this one as the next in my 'family' series, but it probably deserves separateness of some sort.
Not long ago, I posted about my sister's latest illness with my usual pessimism. Last night's update from mum has me feeling...numb. Hmmm..no, numb is not the best word. Perhaps unemotional is better. Or not unemotional.....lacking in emotion. Yeah, that's it.
Mum flew down here the day after T flew home, and she caught the train up to where my sister lives (on the border, a few hours north of here). I met mum for dinner that night at my brother's place, but there was no discussion at all about my sister or what was wrong with her. I didn't ask, because I really wasn't interested to hear a saga.
That's the thing with my mum. You can't say, "Is the sky blue today?" and get a simple "yes" response. You'll get, "I think it was the other day when I was out feeding the cats. You should have seen them, they were being so funny. But the lady across the road came and started talking to me, so I couldnt' be too sure. Oh, but today, I'm sure it might have been blue for a while, but I was on the phone to your sister, so it might have changed colour at some stage. Overall, yes it appears to be blue..." So I have to have the time and the patience to listen if I ever ask a question. That Tuesday night, I had neither.
I hadn't heard from mum since then and neither had my brother, so I sent her a message yesterday. She's still at my sister's place and my sister is apparently having surgery on the 6th. It turns out that my sister really is quite sick....with Peritonitis. She had some surgery a fair while ago. Somehow, something wasn't done correctly and she never healed properly, and now she has a large hole in the lining of her stomach (I think that's what mum said).
According to mum, there's an 80:20 chance she'll make it through the surgery. Her sleep apnoea makes this worse, because of her troubles breathing when she lies down.
Other stuff mum told me:
* my sister and her boyfriend are completely broke
* mum will need to stay and help her recover for at least a month
* while my sister is in hospital, her lazy-arse boyfriend will probably not go to work, because he needs prompting to get out of bed in the morning, because life is just all too hard
* if mum is not there to make him go to work, he'll disappear, run away from everything, and go stay with his mates drinking and smoking till my sister is well enough to look after him again
I told my mum that perhaps this is a chance for the boyfriend to learn some responsibility and look after himself and my sister (btw, they're both in their late 40s!). Mum says that's not going to happen, which is why she has to stay there to make sure the boyfriend goes to work each day.
I can't say that I feel anything - pity, sorrow, worry, or whatever - for my sister having this surgery, or for her financial predicament. I'm not sure what that says about me as a person. It's been so many years and I've heard so many times that something is wrong, or some drama is unfolding, that now that she's having a second major surgery, it's having no effect on me at all.
Actually, it is having an effect on me. I'm wondering why it's not affecting me like it probably should.
Not long ago, I posted about my sister's latest illness with my usual pessimism. Last night's update from mum has me feeling...numb. Hmmm..no, numb is not the best word. Perhaps unemotional is better. Or not unemotional.....lacking in emotion. Yeah, that's it.
Mum flew down here the day after T flew home, and she caught the train up to where my sister lives (on the border, a few hours north of here). I met mum for dinner that night at my brother's place, but there was no discussion at all about my sister or what was wrong with her. I didn't ask, because I really wasn't interested to hear a saga.
That's the thing with my mum. You can't say, "Is the sky blue today?" and get a simple "yes" response. You'll get, "I think it was the other day when I was out feeding the cats. You should have seen them, they were being so funny. But the lady across the road came and started talking to me, so I couldnt' be too sure. Oh, but today, I'm sure it might have been blue for a while, but I was on the phone to your sister, so it might have changed colour at some stage. Overall, yes it appears to be blue..." So I have to have the time and the patience to listen if I ever ask a question. That Tuesday night, I had neither.
I hadn't heard from mum since then and neither had my brother, so I sent her a message yesterday. She's still at my sister's place and my sister is apparently having surgery on the 6th. It turns out that my sister really is quite sick....with Peritonitis. She had some surgery a fair while ago. Somehow, something wasn't done correctly and she never healed properly, and now she has a large hole in the lining of her stomach (I think that's what mum said).
According to mum, there's an 80:20 chance she'll make it through the surgery. Her sleep apnoea makes this worse, because of her troubles breathing when she lies down.
Other stuff mum told me:
* my sister and her boyfriend are completely broke
* mum will need to stay and help her recover for at least a month
* while my sister is in hospital, her lazy-arse boyfriend will probably not go to work, because he needs prompting to get out of bed in the morning, because life is just all too hard
* if mum is not there to make him go to work, he'll disappear, run away from everything, and go stay with his mates drinking and smoking till my sister is well enough to look after him again
I told my mum that perhaps this is a chance for the boyfriend to learn some responsibility and look after himself and my sister (btw, they're both in their late 40s!). Mum says that's not going to happen, which is why she has to stay there to make sure the boyfriend goes to work each day.
I can't say that I feel anything - pity, sorrow, worry, or whatever - for my sister having this surgery, or for her financial predicament. I'm not sure what that says about me as a person. It's been so many years and I've heard so many times that something is wrong, or some drama is unfolding, that now that she's having a second major surgery, it's having no effect on me at all.
Actually, it is having an effect on me. I'm wondering why it's not affecting me like it probably should.
posted by E in Oz at 11:04 am
these thoughts escaped my brain at 11:04 am
6 Comments:
Holy cow. Your sister's boyfriend and my sister in law should get together.
Your reaction (or lack thereof) is completely reasonable, given the things you've shared. I can only imagine the things you haven't.
I'm with M, it reminds of that "Boy Who Cried Wolf" story a little bit. And how sad that your mother feels the need to enable the problem by moving in and playing "mother" to two people in their late 40s. It's stories like these that have always made me run screaming toward independence.
That being said, I hope things turn out well for her surgery, and just lots of hugs for you.
The boyfriend needs a swift kick in the ass. Or jewels; whichever will wake him up the quickest. And I think he needs to stop being babied.
I would say you'd probably feel alot different if things surrounding their lives in general, were different. I don't think this makes you a bad person; from how I view things, it makes you really quite normal. How often can you bang your head against a brick wall?
That said, I do hope your sister's surgery goes well...and you're not made to feel guilty for anything.
*hugs*
Sounds like your dealing with some addictive personalities there. I'm assuming from what I read (I know, we should never assume) that the drama is nothing new, nor is your mothers enabling of it. That's the thing about drama, it's an energy beast, that energy being the reaction of others. Your mother giving assistance, however good hearted, and in this instance maybe even neccessary, is feeding the beast, thusly she is an enabler feeding your sisters addiction. But like I said, perhaps I shouldn't assume...
Hey Eve, glad to see you're still up and at 'em but quite sorry to hear about your sister et al.'s troubles.
Take care,
Ben
Girls, the crazy thing is my sister called me the other week and asked what I was doing for Christmas. "B is going to be down there for the cricket. It would be nice if you got to spend some time with your family. He could drop in and see you." Errrr, he is NOT MY FAMILY. The guy creeps me out in a way that makes me not want to be alone with him. He ain't comin to my house!
Ozy - addictive, enabling, manipulative, guilt driven...you name it. And no, it's nothing new. Thanks for commenting. :-)
Ben!! Good to see you again!! :-)
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