Family - part 7 - Christmas conundrum
This one isn't 'heavy' like my usual family posts, but it rates up there in the annoyance stakes.
First things first, I talked to my sister yesterday - the one who's in hospital. She's doing ok. Apart from apparently having a gaping hole in her stomach (like fist size). Her operation went well, but she said in order for the docs to be able to remove and/or stop the infection, they can't cover it, or stitch it up, and it has to heal by itself. The whole concept makes me feel ill, just thinking about it. This means, though, that mum is going to stick around for at least another month or so, because K is going to be in hospital for that long, possibly longer.
K's boyfriend saw the hole in her stomach the other day and finally got a clue that he was going to have to be a little more responsible around the place. That's basically what she told me, reading between the lines, but we'll see what transpires. I'm sure my mum will be quick to tell me if he or my sister start doing things that she doesn't like, or aren't done her way.
I'm aware now that her problem is serious and she still could have major complications and go downhill from here.....and yet I still don't have that level of concern one would expect in this situation. Maybe there's just too much water under the bridge for that kind of compassion. I'm not heartless. I just know my mental and emotional energy is better directed elsewhere.
All this means that mum will be down here, albeit 3 hours drive away, for the next few weeks. I'll be away for most of that time, so it's not really factoring into the stress equation. The Christmas presents issue is, though.
Generally, I buy my mum a gift, and my dad and stepmum. Most of the time, I buy hampers off the internet, and they like this. Last Christmas, I bought mum a fruit hamper and from her reaction, you would have thought I'd given her $10K. This year, I found something else to buy her (an actual gift that I put some thought into, for a change). I rang dad and asked what he and my stepmum wanted. He told me, but getting what he wanted and getting it there in time were going to be difficult, so he said a hamper is fine again. I ordered one for $100 because my brother said he'd go halves with me. I put his and his girlfriend's names on the message, but we'll see if I ever see the $. Doesn't matter really, although wearing the extra $50 will bite slightly.
And that brings me to today's dilemma. Since mum will be at my sister's for Christmas, it means I'll have to get my sister something as well (took me a few days to figure that out!). Took me even longer to figure out that I can't get my sister something and not get her boyfriend something. I found something my sister would like, but that's going to cost $30. I really don't want to get her boyfriend anything huge and he may end up getting lotto tickets, but at least it's something. Anyway, there's an extra $50, plus postage on it all three gifts.
Meanwhile, it seems everyone's organised me to go to my brother's girlfriend's parent's place for Christmas day. I can't turn up with nothing for her parents, and I can't turn up with nothing for them. And if I buy something for my sister and my brother, then I can't not buy something for my other two sisters. (Then there's all the nieces and nephews, but to think about that right now would make my head explode.)
It.just.gets.stupid! And it's not about the money. Granted, it all adds up and I really don't have a bunch of spare cash floating around at the best of times, but also, I don't want to buy a bunch of things purely out of others' expectations to do so....but that's what happens at this time of year.
I want to buy things for the people I want to buy things for. I want to spend my money on the people I want to spend it on. And perhaps it's hypocritical, but I know most people would be the same.....you tend to be comfortable spending more money on the people you care for most - even when you don't necessarily have the money to spend, and resent slightly the fact that you have to spend any money on those you feel less of an affiliation towards.
I'm not one for bringing out the credit card at this time of year, either. I really cannot stand putting anything on credit. I have one credit card I'm trying to pay off. I won't spend more per month than my income. Moving, back in September, set me back a long way in this regard. Where my credit is concerned, I would have about had it paid off by now. Instead, I'm at the same place I was back then. Yes, I've reduced my limit by $2K, but I can't see that I've made any real progress.
Obviously, I've put plane tickets and accommodation on there recently - those things don't easily budget into a monthly salary - but those expenses are my gift to myself. The majority of this year has been complete crap, in terms of emotional stresses. As much as I hate spending the money, I recognise that I also have to relax about it in some ways. I rarely spend money on myself for anything, and I need this break, so I'm not even thinking about what the next few weeks are going to cost me....yet!
But I resent that I'm going to have to deal with (primarily from mum, I'm predicting) the guilt that comes from other peoples' expectations about what is the right thing to do in terms of gift buying at this time of year.....and the assumption that I have bundles of cash hoarded in my cupboards, to spend whenever someone else thinks I should, simply because I'm choosing to do something for myself for a change.
The decision I've made is to tell my brother not to buy me anything, but if I go to the out-laws' place, I'll buy them some wine or something. I feel obliged to get something for my sister and her boyfriend, because mum will be there and I've already got her something. I can't send something for her and not them.
I'm not particularly fussed on whether I get presents or not, from anyone. I think people should buy things for the people they care about whenever they want to, not just at a certain time of year, because it's the right thing to do. Besides, I don't think it's the right thing to do...I just think people want stuff and it's a good excuse to get it.
Oh, and if I talk to H and it's decided that I'll go and see A, I'll give her some money and she can take him to buy him something. That way there will be less chance that his dad will get all stupid because I saw him/bought him something.
First things first, I talked to my sister yesterday - the one who's in hospital. She's doing ok. Apart from apparently having a gaping hole in her stomach (like fist size). Her operation went well, but she said in order for the docs to be able to remove and/or stop the infection, they can't cover it, or stitch it up, and it has to heal by itself. The whole concept makes me feel ill, just thinking about it. This means, though, that mum is going to stick around for at least another month or so, because K is going to be in hospital for that long, possibly longer.
K's boyfriend saw the hole in her stomach the other day and finally got a clue that he was going to have to be a little more responsible around the place. That's basically what she told me, reading between the lines, but we'll see what transpires. I'm sure my mum will be quick to tell me if he or my sister start doing things that she doesn't like, or aren't done her way.
I'm aware now that her problem is serious and she still could have major complications and go downhill from here.....and yet I still don't have that level of concern one would expect in this situation. Maybe there's just too much water under the bridge for that kind of compassion. I'm not heartless. I just know my mental and emotional energy is better directed elsewhere.
All this means that mum will be down here, albeit 3 hours drive away, for the next few weeks. I'll be away for most of that time, so it's not really factoring into the stress equation. The Christmas presents issue is, though.
Generally, I buy my mum a gift, and my dad and stepmum. Most of the time, I buy hampers off the internet, and they like this. Last Christmas, I bought mum a fruit hamper and from her reaction, you would have thought I'd given her $10K. This year, I found something else to buy her (an actual gift that I put some thought into, for a change). I rang dad and asked what he and my stepmum wanted. He told me, but getting what he wanted and getting it there in time were going to be difficult, so he said a hamper is fine again. I ordered one for $100 because my brother said he'd go halves with me. I put his and his girlfriend's names on the message, but we'll see if I ever see the $. Doesn't matter really, although wearing the extra $50 will bite slightly.
And that brings me to today's dilemma. Since mum will be at my sister's for Christmas, it means I'll have to get my sister something as well (took me a few days to figure that out!). Took me even longer to figure out that I can't get my sister something and not get her boyfriend something. I found something my sister would like, but that's going to cost $30. I really don't want to get her boyfriend anything huge and he may end up getting lotto tickets, but at least it's something. Anyway, there's an extra $50, plus postage on it all three gifts.
Meanwhile, it seems everyone's organised me to go to my brother's girlfriend's parent's place for Christmas day. I can't turn up with nothing for her parents, and I can't turn up with nothing for them. And if I buy something for my sister and my brother, then I can't not buy something for my other two sisters. (Then there's all the nieces and nephews, but to think about that right now would make my head explode.)
It.just.gets.stupid! And it's not about the money. Granted, it all adds up and I really don't have a bunch of spare cash floating around at the best of times, but also, I don't want to buy a bunch of things purely out of others' expectations to do so....but that's what happens at this time of year.
I want to buy things for the people I want to buy things for. I want to spend my money on the people I want to spend it on. And perhaps it's hypocritical, but I know most people would be the same.....you tend to be comfortable spending more money on the people you care for most - even when you don't necessarily have the money to spend, and resent slightly the fact that you have to spend any money on those you feel less of an affiliation towards.
I'm not one for bringing out the credit card at this time of year, either. I really cannot stand putting anything on credit. I have one credit card I'm trying to pay off. I won't spend more per month than my income. Moving, back in September, set me back a long way in this regard. Where my credit is concerned, I would have about had it paid off by now. Instead, I'm at the same place I was back then. Yes, I've reduced my limit by $2K, but I can't see that I've made any real progress.
Obviously, I've put plane tickets and accommodation on there recently - those things don't easily budget into a monthly salary - but those expenses are my gift to myself. The majority of this year has been complete crap, in terms of emotional stresses. As much as I hate spending the money, I recognise that I also have to relax about it in some ways. I rarely spend money on myself for anything, and I need this break, so I'm not even thinking about what the next few weeks are going to cost me....yet!
But I resent that I'm going to have to deal with (primarily from mum, I'm predicting) the guilt that comes from other peoples' expectations about what is the right thing to do in terms of gift buying at this time of year.....and the assumption that I have bundles of cash hoarded in my cupboards, to spend whenever someone else thinks I should, simply because I'm choosing to do something for myself for a change.
The decision I've made is to tell my brother not to buy me anything, but if I go to the out-laws' place, I'll buy them some wine or something. I feel obliged to get something for my sister and her boyfriend, because mum will be there and I've already got her something. I can't send something for her and not them.
I'm not particularly fussed on whether I get presents or not, from anyone. I think people should buy things for the people they care about whenever they want to, not just at a certain time of year, because it's the right thing to do. Besides, I don't think it's the right thing to do...I just think people want stuff and it's a good excuse to get it.
Oh, and if I talk to H and it's decided that I'll go and see A, I'll give her some money and she can take him to buy him something. That way there will be less chance that his dad will get all stupid because I saw him/bought him something.
posted by E in Oz at 10:24 am
these thoughts escaped my brain at 10:24 am
3 Comments:
Kalliope. It`s a commercial world and unfortunately Xmas is a great part of it. Do not feel guilt about going on your trip, you deserve to go some where YOU want and not feel so bound up by your Mother and her expectations. Why dont you put your trip forward and completely shock them all!
Amen, sister!
Hehe, okay, I'm laughing at myself, not you... I read that you typically get your family hamper, and I had to do a double take, because that's what I call the basket that I put my dirty laundry in! Took me a minute, but I'm with you now ;)
I personally think that you should never feel "obligated" to buy people gifts, but certainly understand how it's hard to carry out that theory in reality. I also think that's a really great idea for how the handle the A situation--I know he'd be thrilled just to see you again.
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