The last few days...the abridged version

* I never knew before Saturday that 4 kids under 7 could cause so much wrapping paper carnage.

* I don't remember volunteering to be the wrapping paper collector...but I couldn't handle it everywhere. I had no choice.

* Three year old girls, once with bike helmet on head, will not remove said bike helmet until bike is fully assembled....even if this doesn't happen for another 7 hours. Her dad really should have read the instructions.

* Three year old girls, once they've decided to become a klingon, will not let you out of their sight for three full days - and will ask why you want to go to the bathroom alone.

* At any other time of the year, eating cold ham, chicken and turkey three days in a row would really, really suck.

* One autistic child and three others, really equates to 7 or 8 kids.

* It's a strange feeling when you realise that the gift the ex gf (A's mum) gave you from A is scarily similar to the one C gave her from A.

* I think when A said, "Nah, E's ok, she's not like other girls", it was a compliment.

* He also asked if C and I are going to get married. But he wants a baby brother too. This could be a problem!

* C bought me a gold chain with an E, a silver, heart shaped jewellery box, and a silver photo frame key ring for Christmas.

* He has something else planned, but won't tell me what, or for when, because "you shouldn't need an occasion".

* I feel more comfortable with his family than I did with my ex's even after a number of years.

* I discovered I should have been a catcher in a ball game, when I saved a sauce-covered sausage from landing on the kitchen floor - and averted the tears that would have ensued.

* C's sister needs a medal for patience and perserverence.

* C's mother is always smiling.

* I spoke to my mother.

* After some major guilt-tripping, she spent the day with my sisters.

* I spoke to two of the evil step-sisters. Oh the pretence of happy families!

* There was a tense moment when one said I should keep in contact more often and visit them. Pause....I couldn't think of an excuse on the spot.

* I need to make a list of excuses.

* Today, I've experienced gail force winds, sun so hot I'm lucky I didn't burn, rain I couldn't see to drive through, hail, and a brilliant rainbow. That's Melbourne weather for you!

* I can't remember the last day I was not with C.

* He said, "Noooooooooo", when I told him I had to leave this afternoon. I was secretly pleased.

* The kids didn't want me to leave. I was secretly pleased. Well, everybody wants to be wanted!

* My cats were so pleased to see me, they had a fight over me.

* I gave them expensive food because I was feeling guilty for leaving them for a couple of days.

* I cannot wait to see C again.

* I miss him. I'm smitten. There... I said it! Ok?

There's more, but I'm almost grumpy tired, so I'm off to bed.

Nature....the real super power

Overwhelming....

JAKARTA, (AFP) - The death toll from an earthquake off Indonesia and tidal waves that it unleashed reached 14,053 as officials reported deaths in seven countries in southern and southeastern Asia.

Sri Lanka was hard hit with 4,859 people confirmed dead, and 1,538 others reported missing, said relief officials and Tamil Tiger rebels who control parts of the north of the island.

In Indonesia, at least 4,448 people were killed as the country took the full force of the huge earthquake and tidal waves that swallowed entire coastal villages.

At least 4,278 people were killed in southern India, the Press Trust of India reported.

Sighing...

Some of you will know who wrote this...

I should take advantage of the opportunity to write, we are going in country soon and E-mail may not be availible often.

................................................... perhaps I should write something profound.

You are a first for me E, in many ways. It's odd that the person whom probably knows my biggest secrets is so far away, so distant in physicality, if not in thought or emotion. In you I have found a person to share deep thoughts and dark thoughts. With whom I can do so fearlessly, because you do not judge...and would never break faith. In you I have found a kindred spirit, and adventurous soul to be wild with in literary fantasy and, no doubt, in real life.

LOL - in you, I have found fantasy and lust, wildness and trust.... and love. I was truly blessed the day I sent a PM your way. I am chuckling as I write this.... 3 weeks ............................... if you only knew some of the dreams you have starred in lately. I thank you for this also.... for your unending toleration of my dark and lustful desires.

Don't be freaked, but if the worst happens, and I do not come back to pester you with more nakedness and naughtyness... Know that I do not regret a single thing, and will always love you.

And Lust for you....of course.

I hope this holiday finds you well, happy, and growing. I wish you the best with C, and hope that he realizes how lucky he is.

Love, ......

Tis the season

...to go psycho...!

You know, for two people who are practical and logical, C and I are also damn emotional..and we're thinkers. This means when it comes to making some decisions, we'll find the best, most logical answer straight away...then analyse the emotional side of it till the cows come home and the issue remains unresolved. Yes, we had the talk about moving in. No, we didn't make a decision. Two more weeks. We have to decide before then.

I had a strange thought yesterday afternoon. We met at a toy store after he finished work, so he could get some things for his family and friends' kids (for a single gal with no kids, I've been into an extraordinary number of toy stores recently!). Now, I always rush off into the future in my head, so that's nothing new, but the thought that occured to me was very new. What if C and I ever got married? I'd be A's step mother. What a freakin' bizarre, mind blowing concept that would be!! Of course, I didn't say anything, because hey, I don't wanna be making us both nervous right about now. But holy cow! Oh, I shouldn't think so much!

Anyway, I probably won't be back on deck till maybe Monday some time, depending how things go. Tomorrow is going to be crazy busy, then I'll be driving to C's sister's place on Christmas day while he goes to pick up A. Yes, this means I'll be spending some time on Christmas day with his family - without him. Eeep! Oh well, nothing like jumping in the deep end!

So, I hope you all have a very happy and safe Christmas. Be good, ok!


Merry Christmas everybody!

Homeless

Imelda came home, thankfully. And my poor little beaten up girl is doing ok. She let me give her the first of her tablets this morning without too much fuss. Just gave me a "why are you doing this to me?" look. She's limping quite a bit and looks a bit frustrated that she can't go outside and play, but both of them are sooo grounded for the rest of the week!

After my totally crapola day yesterday when I posted, it got even better. The normally easy 35-40 minute drive to C's place took almost an hour and a half. There was no reason for so much traffic, it was just insane. And despite driving most of the way up the highway in first gear, I did manage to almost drive right up the arse of the car in front - had to brake so hard my tyres screeched. Oops! I did apologise to him for giving him a mild heart attack - when I started breathing again. The best bit? It was right on the stretch of road outside C's work! Yikes! Ha, but he'd left work early and was caught in traffic somewhere else.

By the time I got to C's place, I was cursing life in general and had analysed the entire world. I decided I was technically homeless and I was a bad mother to my four legged children and I was going to be perpetually broke forever.

We watched Amelie, but by the time I went to bed, I was going nuts. I got up to read at about 1am, coz I couldn't sleep, fell asleep on the couch and woke up again at 3.30 and went back to bed. I didn't talk to C when he woke up to get ready for work. Usually, he can't shut me up, so eventually he came and asked what was up. I told him I felt homeless and that I was a bad mother. He said I'm not a bad mother, I just have difficult kids. Ok, so that made me a bit more cheery. We're gonna talk about the homeless bit tonight.

Two months today since our crazy first date. Time flies, huh?

Oh, and tomorrow night we're having our first official 'invite the neighbours around for drinks and finger food' event. Ugh, this means I have to brave the supermarkets and shopping centres again - and not go home empty handed. Is it illegal to spray other shoppers with capsicum spray if they piss you off? Just asking...

Reflections and duality

I’ve been thinking a lot about what Sandy said about me having defences up and being on guard – not showing my feelings etc – and how I said that’s not really who I am. When I think about it, I’m both – defensive, but also completely vulnerable. Really, everybody is. It just depends who you’re interacting with at the time and how much of your ‘self’ you’re willing to give them.

Initially, I wanted to be defensive with C. I wasn’t prepared to believe in his acceptance of me. Remnants of the way I’d trained myself to think, given recent experiences, with D saying one thing, but meaning another (or not really knowing himself even what he wanted), and E who was just completely emotionally inept. I didn’t want a relationship with him. I knew too well he was not what I needed. I knew he’d bring me down, not lift me up. But he was good company all the same – for a couple of weeks anyway. And of course, there’s the bj guy who, after an absence of about 6 weeks, left me an offline message the other day wondering why I never contacted him. He got pissed off when I told him I was in a relationship. Sorry buddy, but I went for coffee with you once because I felt sorry for you, but you were never, ever going to get a bj from me.

So you tend to question everything, whether it’s warranted or not. That’s internal insecurity being projected onto another person. I know that now. I can tell the difference. You never really know the other person’s motives. All you can do is have faith in the belief that they mean you no ill intent, and if they do, it’s about them, not you. I know this now, too. Faith. My tattoo. My constant reminder.

My feelings are my responsibility. Facts and feelings. Rely on facts. Feelings result from the facts and how we interpret them. Or misinterpret. Or assume. Fact…and action…the true indication of intent. Feelings are fleeting. They’re moment to moment. At the time, well, any time, they’re as real as fact – at least to that person – but it’s the ongoing facts – calls to action – that determine the ultimate longevity of the feeling.

It reminds me of what the psychic said; “Right now, whatever it is, it’s true”. I’ve used that when I’ve doubted lately. Doubted what? I’m not sure exactly. Myself? Moreso than anything else. But that’s nothing new. C? No. Whatever it is, it’s true. Faith.

Logic would suggest I (we?) tread carefully. I mentioned the other day to someone on the board that it’s been a whirlwind from the beginning. Whirlwind and careful hardly go hand in hand in a sentence. Perhaps careful isn’t even the right word. Cautious? No, because I think we are cautious. Can you have a whirlwind and yet not rush things? Yes. I think so. I think that’s our circumstance. And it’s good. And I’m content. But you knew that already. Could be simply that being logical means doing exactly what we’re doing because it’s working. That makes more sense.

You guys know a lot about me. Things I haven’t told my friends. Things I’ll never tell my family. Things I don’t like to admit to myself. I was going to say that if I met the majority of you IRL, I’d probably tell you all these things at some stage. But that’d contradict myself, because I don’t tell people some of this IRL.

Anyway, back to my original point. Yes, I’ve got walls that can be seen from space just as easily as the Great Wall of China. But in a tiny space, a small corner, tucked neatly away where few can find it, there’s a door that’s open. I am not my walls. I am what’s behind that door.

….my, what a long diatribe that turned out to be! But y’all know I talk a lot.

Baaaad day

Ok, so on the scale of things, it's just been a complete bummer of a day, but since I haven't had one recently, I'm sulking big time.

First of all, it's Christmas and I hate shopping and shoppers at the best of times, but I swear, if you have NO idea about what you want, get the hell outta the shops! Do not dawdle, do not stop dead in your tracks when people are trying to get past, do not walk the wrong way down the aisles (ok, so technically there is no wrong way, but if you're going against the traffic, it's the wrong way!), and do not stand three across and walk like sloths when there are people on a mission behind you, who are about to strangle you, drop you to the ground and walk over you in an effort to leave said shop.

Second, my cat, newly christened Imelda because of her freaky shoe fetish, was not home when I got here this morning. This means she's been gone all weekend. Slight need for concern, but I'm not too stressed ....yet.

Third, I am home no longer than an hour when I hear god-awful noises on my roof. My other cat is up there being beaten sensless by another much bigger cat and I literally have to get up on the roof to chase it away and get her to come down. Yes, I scaled the roof to defend my child. The things ya have to do!...

Then I go to the closest vet, because she's breathing heavy and limping. "Did you make an appointment?" "No, I freakin don't have ESP, so I didn't know my cat was gonna get terrorised today, but hey, I'll call next time I have a premonition, ok?" Well I wanted to say that. "It's after 12 and you should have called. We're not taking any new patients for a couple of months." "Um...she's just been attacked, you can't take a few minutes to look at her?" "You should have called."

As I walk to the door, doing the 'talk to the hand' sign, with smoke coming out my ears, she's still carrying on. Ok bitch, yeah you're busy yapping to two other people at the counter, oh but wait, it's after 12! It's a freakin Monday. A weekday. As far as I'm aware, there ain't nothing special about Monday 20 December, so what the frig does it matter if it's after 12 or not? You're open till 5pm you miserable witch! But that's ok, I wouldn't want your evilness anywhere near my cat anyway. Hope you get coal in your stocking this year. So much bad karma being sent in that direction!

So I'm a little stressed by the time I see vet number two. Vet number three would have been my regular vet, but they're a distance away. At first, vet number two does not look promising. Bring on the waterworks, because I'm so mad and frustrated with vet number one. In the end though, she says my girl can stay with them while they finish off a surgery and they'll call me later. $125 later and my girl is looking better, with tablets and injections. Just gotta keep giving her drugs for the next four days....and keep her inside....which will prove hard because I have to keep the garage door open in case Imelda decides to rock on home again.

So back down to the shops to try to get some photos developed off a USB stick. Why the hell doesn't anybody do this? Oh, sure, off a card, but not a USB stick. Is nothing ever freakin easy?

And my mobile is now officially dead. Well it lets me send the occasional message and I can receive one every now and then. Perhaps it'll let me take a call for a minute or two, but no longer than that. The guy at the shop says it's most likely the battery. Cool, I'll get a new one. Nope. Nobody sells them. I have to buy a whole new damn phone. Yippeee!

C asked me if I wanted to stay here at my place tonight because of the whole drama with my cats. To be honest, I can't wait to get out of here. I hate it in this place now. I hate all the bad crap that's happened with my landlord, with moving in, with my cats always getting beaten up, my crazy neighbours who fight constantly. I just wanna be gone.

I have accomplished nothing today and I'm so mad. I just wanna go to sleep.

....after I punch something...

How to be a bad parent. Lesson #243

The scene: The parking lot at the back of Dr Fun Killer's office. My car and a Ford with a V6 engine.

The actors: Mother, 3 year old toddler and baby.

The mother is strapping the baby into its seat in the back of the car. Toddler is walking around beside the car.

Mother to toddler: "Here are the keys. Go start the car."

I wonder if I heard correctly, so I pay more attention.

Mother hands the toddler the car keys, while she's still strapping the baby into its restraint. Toddler walks around the front of the car, opens the door, gets in, shuts the door and starts the car.

Can anybody else see what is wrong with this picture? Or is it just me?

Now what?

Two weeks ago, when C had A for the weekend and we went and stayed with his family for the weekend - that Friday night's the last time I spent time apart from C.

I am tonight, too. I told him I'd stay home to give him time with A tonight and tomorrow. I think it's important that just the two of them do things together. Tomorrow night we're all going to go driving around the suburbs looking at the houses all done up with Christmas lights (sooo family-like and unfamiliar to me, but should be good - I'm learning). On Sunday, C's brother and his family are coming down and I think we're doing Christmassy family stuff with them.

But right now, I have the night to myself and all of tomorrow to myself as well. All this time and not a lot to do. Sure, I could do a number of things, like clean my house (which will happen eventually), do some Christmas shopping (not likely, when you consider mixing sweltering heat and crazed shoppers), look for other places to rent (still keeping a backup plan).

I have to go to my girlfriend Josie's place tonight. I booked and paid for our flights for our girls' weekend away to Sydney in January, so I'm going up to her house to collect some money for that and to talk about accommodation. Can you comprehend how hard it is to arrange inexpensive accommodation for five women for two nights? We're happy to share rooms and beds, but seriously, that tends to freak people out when you say you're happy to sleep three women in a room with only a queen sized bed and a fold out and you want another adjoining room. I think we'll end up getting a two bedroom apartment, but keeping it cheap will be the trick.

I have a 9.30am appointment with Dr Fun-Killer tomorrow morning. I only have a few more kilos to go till I reach my goal. Strangely, I really don't have a goal. Dr F-K gave me a weight he'd like me to be at, but I didn't actually set out to achieve a certain weight - just to tone up and lose body fat. So, I'm only a few kilos away from Dr F-K's goal weight for me. Until last week, it still seemed a long way off, but now it feels closer. I think it'll take another 5 or 6 weeks, then it'll be a case of just maintaining and that should be fairly straight forward. I'm used to my change in diet now, and that's been the hardest thing to adjust to.

So...I have the next 24 hours pretty much to myself and it feels a little strange. I really like having my own space, but now that I have it, I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Makes me realise how easy things have been with C - I like my space, but I haven't been craving for it like I expected to.

Think I might just spend some quality time with my cats tomorrow....and put my music up loud and dance around my house like a nutcase....just because I can.

Whose shirt is that?

Ever notice when you're driving along that there's stuff on the road, and you wonder how it got there?

I'm in the car up to three hours a day now and I've seen the strangest things lying in the middle of the road and it just makes me wonder how they got there. Like a single shoe. Or an old t-shirt. Or plastic bags with what looks like clothes in them. Or boxes. Pieces of rope. Or dolls.

And they're never in the middle of the lane. They're always to the side, or just on the centre line - like they've been strategically placed.

Do people throw these things out the car window as they're going along? Why?

And why do birds choose the precise moment you're driving past to decide to cross the road? Do birds play chicken? Is it a game to mess with our heads? Why, if their little wings are supposed to produce airlift, do they choose to fly at a level that, if not timed correctly, will propel them into a windshield or radiator grill? If I could fly, I wouldn't be flying a metre off the ground and tempting fate with speeding cars.

I need to get new cds for my car. I'm thinking far too much!

Ponderance

So we're driving along last night and I'm talking about R and M and Brad as if I've met you all in real life (well sometimes it feels like it). C asks me how many people regularly read my blog and I estimate. Then he said something about how it's funny that all these other people read what I have to say every day, but he doesn't even know the address. Hhhmmmm.....

He wasn't asking for it. I know he didn't want me to offer it up to him. He did say he understands that it's like my diary, so he can see why I'd keep some thoughts to myself. I told him that he knows pretty much everything I say on here anyway. Really, the only things I don't relay back to him are the parts where I'm battling my own insecurities - because they're for me to deal with and they're more often than not (well rarely) anything to do directly with him.

Still, I feel a little bad for not wanting him to know some of the things I think and say. I guess it's because I work a lot of things out here before I actually tell him. These are my raw thoughts, rather than the structured ones that he hears - that sometimes make more sense.

I dunno. There wasn't really much of a point to all of this, except that it's obvious he's thought about the fact that so many 'strangers' read my blog, but he doesn't. Then again, he gets the real me...in person. I dunno which is worse. Ha!

(Brad, sorry 'bout last night. I didn't end up going home at all (which is why we were talking about you in the car, coz I missed our rendezvous), but I'll be there for a while tonight.)

Exposure

C went to his son's end of school year concert thingy last night (very cute photos I wish I could post!), so he didn't get home till about 10pm. I went to gym, bummed around at home for a bit, then made my way to his place about 7.30pm.

About half way to his place, I came up with some thoughts I wanted to get out on here, so I decided to type it all out on his computer when I arrived. C has never hidden anything from me, so I don't know why I expect it. Still trying to reprogram myself, I guess.

We'd been on his computer the night before last, using Word, and I saw a file in his recent files list that said something about a 'virtual kiss'. No big drama, but it got my attention. Can you see where this is heading?

Anyway, I typed out what I needed to and saved it to his desktop. I asked him to email it to me next time he logs into his email, because I couldn't be bothered waiting for his dialup to kick in. Yeah, I'm a cable snob now! There's stuff in there about him. He'll read it, I'm sure. That's ok. I'm getting used to allowing myself to be vulnerable with him.

So I checked that 'virtual kiss' file. I don't know what I expected, or how I thought I'd react. I reacted by kicking myself for allowing stupid thoughts to escape my brain. The file contained cut and pasted standard rejection responses he'd sent to people who'd contacted him on match.com. Yeah, he's a sentimental git and keeps everything he's ever written or received....same as me.

It made me feel better about things. I know it shouldn't have, because he hadn't done anything and it was only my stupid insecurities and an expectation of him doing something wrong, because everyone else in the past has, that made me wonder about it in the first place.

I've had the keys to his house since three weeks after we met. You'd think I'd get it into my thick skull by now that he's got nothing to hide. Old insecurities die hard, huh.

Everyone should start doing this....

Spam the spammers. Too funny not to share.

Brad fights back...

(Thought I ought to work for my free t-shirt and direct some traffic your way, Brad.)

A cop out?

I have been trying to think what to get my mum and dad for Christmas. Usually, I take the easy option and order a hamper on line and send them one each. But I don't have that much money this year...especially now that I have to buy C and his son presents as well...and I suspect I may have to get C's immediate family something small as well, since we'll be staying with them over Christmas.

Anyway, I was thinking of just getting a copy of the picture of me that's on my blog and putting it in a frame for each of them (although C says that photo doesn't look like me and it's false advertising haha). Really, I dislike giving photos of myself. But maybe they'd like it since, I haven't seen dad for eons and I last saw mum in March and that was only for two days.

I dunno. Is that a cop out? I don't normally do presents, but I should get something for them....shouldn't I?

Should I get something for C's family? Maybe get something together with C? I should just ask him.

This present giving stuff is bloody hard work!

Chop Sue

No, I didn't mean chop suey...check this out...

I think I've seen everything now.

China Awaits Crowning of Miss Plastic Surgery

BEIJING (Reuters) - China will soon host the finals of the country's first beauty contest in which every contestant has gone under the knife.

Twenty "man-made" beauties will parade their surgical nips and tucks next Saturday in the hope of taking home the country's first Miss Artificial Beauty crown.

For the festive traveller...or just if you're a geek

C bought one of these yesterday to plug into his computer at work.

Well he is an engineer and he does like gadgets!

I want one too!

...edited to add...he just sent me this text message, spoken like a true geek.

Everyone digs my USB tree, but not as much as I dig u. :-) xxx

Haloscan commenting

I've been trying for two days to post comments on blogs with Haloscan comments, but I'm getting a message saying commenting is disabled because of some proxy server setting. It may be something they've changed here at work, coz I haven't tested it at home yet.

So, for people like EJ, Nameless etc....I've had plenty to say....I've just been silenced for a bit!

All smiles

Despite my bah humbuginess (new word) and the tone of my previous post, I'm pleased to say this December has been much better than I expected it to be. For starters, I expected to be single and to stay in hibernation until at least the middle of January.

I was with Sara in SC this time last year, preparing for her wedding. While I'm here, and since it's already the 13th here, I'll say a quick...

Happy 1st Anniversary Sara and Michael!

Love you both!

Sara, Dad finally sent me this, and it'll be on its way to you some time this week. If I can work out a time when it's not too early or too late for both of us, I'll try to call you as well.

I bought C's Christmas present today. Well, one of them. I realised I've been in such a calm, better place than I thought I would be at this time of year. Even though I feel a little like it's been an out of body experience, it's felt so right and so natural. I always feel like I'm gushing when I talk about C. The fact is, he hasn't put a foot wrong and has always come through for me at exactly the right time. I've never been so relaxed around someone before. At least, not that I can remember.

I'm not doing anything Christmassy in my own house. I'm happy to be a part of someone else's Christmas. I think the last couple of years of turmoil and crap were what I had to go through to see the good in what I have right now.

I'm content. Things could be better...but they could be a whole lot worse too.

Family - part 2

Logical to be called part 2...this is the first real follow up to Family - part 1. I'm not quite sure where it's going to go yet. Soon find out.

Ever felt like you're not living your life? Like somehow, you're in your body, going through the motions, but it's not you. Like you know you're having the thoughts and doing the actions, but you feel as though you're looking at yourself from another angle, separate from yourself. So how can you possibly be in that body, doing those things, thinking those thoughts, if you're watching yourself from a distance?

I felt like that this weekend. Really, I feel like that all the time, but I realised this morning when I woke up, that I had coasted through the weekend and I felt like someone else. It turned out a lot quieter weekend for us than we expected. Most of the outings we'd planned were cancelled or we just didn't go. We spent the bulk of the weekend looking for outdoor furniture, water features and ideas to do up C's back garden.

Yet, at 32, I don't feel grown up enough to be doing that, and I know it must sound odd. I look at C and think how responsible and mature he is, how sensible. I don't feel responsible or mature. I wonder what it'll take for me to feel that way. I wonder what I think I have to have that'll get me to the point where I can feel entitled. I guess that's it. Entitlement. To what? I dunno. I feel like I have to earn something. What? Dunno that either.

It all goes back to growing up. Seriously, there are so many things I can't remember from my childhood - places we lived, what they looked like. I know, obviously, my sisters lived with us for a while, but I don't have a memory of them being around.

I can't remember when I shut my emotions off. One thing that probably should have been more significant at the time, was when I was about 15 and my boyfriend of the time fell down our back stairs. Mum said it was the first time she'd seen me laugh in a long time. There wasn't much to laugh about. I didn't cry either...for a long time.

So many people throw out the statement, "but you love your parents, because they're your parents". Well, I can't say I do. Never have. I know I feel a closeness for my dad. He's great. He's the loveliest guy and so easy going, but I truly struggle to right 'love' on cards and things, because I honestly don't feel it. Now that I've typed that, I feel guilty, because Dad really is great. Maybe it's just that I don't know what it's supposed to feel like - to love family.

Mum's another matter entirely. I like her, mostly. She can be funny. She's very smart - she knows things nobody else would know. If you need to know something obscure or you want to find out something straight away, she's the one to ring. She just knows stuff. But if you're not like her, or you have opposing views to her, you're 'wrong'. Nobody can be different. She's judgemental, can be racist, has a tendency to be snobbish (due to her upbringing rather than her current circumstances), and uses emotional blackmail without blinking and as if it's the norm. Do I love her? How can you love someone who wasn't able to show you what love was?

In the house I remember the most, where my brother and I lived with mum and her boyfriend (and I'm pretty sure two of my sisters were there for a while too), my brother and I fought constantly. I'm sure it was out of frustration and the fact that we weren't allowed to do anything, say anything, go anywhere, without getting in trouble in some way, or being made to feel guilty ("My children aren't allowed to have opinions."). Mum didn't know how to raise a boy, so C got treated like a girl and was chastised if he did normal boy things. He was the 'filthy bastard'. I was the 'dirty slut'. I don't know why. We tried to be perfect. Well, I did. C was just trying to grow up.

I imagine using a wooden spoon was a pretty standard parenting technique back then. And belts. I remember my mum's boyfriend's black leather belt hung on the back of their bedroom door. I remember it being taken down from there. What happened after that is some of what I can't remember. There are images in my head, but they're hard to describe.

My bedroom was next to my mother's. The head of my bed was against our adjoining wall. She and her boyfriend would fight in there. I heard a lot.

I never had friends over. Even if I wanted to, I was too embarrassed. Our house looked like shit. Yeah, the table was clean, the beds made, the carpet vacuumed. But there were cobwebs, insects, things were falling apart. The house smelled of stale cigarette smoke and beer. The garden was a mess. Nothing was ever new.

I don't think mum ever wanted kids. She certainly didn't know how to raise them, how to show affection, how to give positive reinforcement, how to encourage. I always had the feeling that having kids was a burden to her. Like somehow, having kids had spoiled things for her and that we were a hindrance, disallowing the life of luxury she could have had.

My brother and I learned to survive on our own. The determination we both have now, comes from within. We weren't taught how to be independent. We had to be. We had no other choice.

I have a few close attachments now. People I care about deeply - and I'll go out of my way to nurture those relationships. But they're few. I find it very easy, almost too easy, to detach myself. So you came into my life for a while. I like you. That's cool. But if you're not around? Oh well, I got on before and I'll get on again. Discard seems like a harsh word to use, but in essence, that's what it is, isn't it? Discarding people, or parts of your life that no longer suit.

My sister described me a long time ago as 'resilient'. No. It was more like, I was living in a house with people I didn't relate to, didn't want to be with, didn't need and didn't feel any emotional connection with. I'd already separated myself from myself, back then. It's easier to deal with things when it's not really you dealing with it. It's easier to walk away. It's easier to forget.

I don't want to continually be feeling detached. Or does everybody feel like that?

I did have a point I originally wanted to make, when I started typing. I haven't been able to put it into words. Today wasn't the day for it.

Friday arvo

Yeah, 'arvo' is Aussie slang for 'afternoon' for the uninitiated.

It's just on 4pm and my boss said, "I'm going home. You are too, aren't you?"

Okaaaay, well, I guess I am! I'm not supposed to be, but hey, if you're telling me to go, I will!

So I'm going home! Ha!

Might actually catch one or two of you on chat when I get there.

You started a blog about me?

As I walked into C's place last night (R, while I was waiting for him at my place, he was waiting for me at his place! D'oh!), I noticed his computer was on and his email was open. So he'd read my email. I didn't ask him about it till later on.

E: So the attachment came through ok?
C: Yeah, it was only a small file.
E: Ok, cool.
C: You didn't say anything about me.
E: No, I just didn't have to show you what I say about you, because you know and besides, it's all good anyway. This is just other stuff you didn't know.
C: Oh, ok.
E: You know, I had a dream about you the other night. You'd written a diary and you had pages and pages of things you'd written about me. It must have been good, because I can't remember and I'd remember if it was bad.
C: I started a blog when we first met. I put one entry in. It's about you. I just haven't been back to put anything else in there. Maybe I should check it to see if anyone's commented on it.

The rest of the conversation was me sounding surprised - well I was suprised he told me about it. I really did have that dream. It was pretty strange. I already knew he had a blog. He and I were on his computer quite a while back, doing various things, and I noticed it. I didn't know what it was at the time (just a strange name in his favourites list), so I didn't mention it. Like he said, he hadn't written anything in it since, so it wasn't really relevant.

The end result of the conversation was that we didn't discuss what I emailed him. I did find it interesting that he volunteered the information about his own blog, when he didn't have to, but that just made me even more happy that he is who he is.

He did say some pretty nice things about me (ha of course!). I'm not going to say what the name of his blog is, (on here at least). I just think it's cool that he thought about starting one in the first place.

The other good thing? It helped me to finally work out what I want to get him for Christmas!

Blogger user stats

Do they ever change? Mine has sat at 115 posts for eons now.

It used to change. Anyone else noticed this?

Meanwhile, go to Blog Explosion if you haven't already, and tell 'em I sent you.

Rate me, dammit. And rate me well! You know you want to! ;-)

Taking the easy way out

Yesterday, I copied and pasted a number of my posts into a document and emailed it to C. It included things about my family, stuff I feel strongly about, or simply things I haven't told him yet. I could have sat down and tried to talk to him about these things, but I figured that since I'd already got them out in here in some sort of sense, it would be silly to try to formulate the words all over again in my head.

I told him when he got home that I'd done that. I almost forgot. He asked if he was supposed to talk to me about it once he'd read it all. That's up to him. I just needed to give him an insight into me in a way I didn't otherwise know how to do.

Can you believe we still haven't known each other two months yet? I don't know if it feels longer than that, or less than that. But it's been so easy. He hasn't done one silly thing, or made me doubt one moment in that time. That's not to say I haven't had my own doubts and insecurities when I've been left alone with my thoughts for too long, but that's for me to deal with.

But for now, I wait. I know there'll be things he'll want to talk to me about, after he reads the things I've given him. His life and mine growing up, were worlds apart. Maybe in some way, that's helping us now. Who knows.

All I know is that I really do appreciate his acceptance of me - as I am (and mine, too). Could be that I'm starting to grow up after all.

Which American City are you?

Which American City Are You?

Los Angeles
You are the epitome of duality. You'll deal with all the strife to bask in all the glamour.

Duality? Yeah. Not so sure about being LA though...

Excavating

There's something to be said about blogs, on line diaries and other places one can pour out their thoughts with some degree of anonymity, yet still be able to get feedback, support, encouragement and empathy from strangers. Strangers who often become friends. Friends we may never meet in person, but friends all the same.

I didn't expect an audience when I first started typing. I liked the idea of being able to say what I think and what I feel and be completely me, without hinderance, without second guessing myself, without fear of some sort of retribution for things I may have said and done. But, in various ways, people find us, or perhaps are drawn to us, because they see a part of themselves in what someone else writes. Whether they like what they see or not, is not the point. It's the fact that someone, somewhere in the world has been through something similar to ourselves and, in a little way, we feel that maybe we're not so small and alone after all.

I haven't held back on what I've wanted to say. This is me. Take it or leave it. There are things I so desperately need to say, to get out of my head. The thoughts are there. But they're so mixed up, jumbled and disjointed that, right now, I'm unable to formulate them into anything that will make sense. And I need it to make sense.

My past is not who I am now. I've seen and done things I shouldn't have. I've been through some things that I still can't talk about. I tell people who need to know. That's it. Strange as it sounds, there are words I cannot use in my vocabulary, for the fear of the emotions and the memories they stir in me. I walk out of the lounge if certain scenes are playing on the tv and I can't change the channel. I don't find certain jokes funny. I'm told I'm too serious at times. Maybe I am. But some things just aren't funny - under any circumstance.

So this week, R and EJ both posted about situations that hit very close to home with me. There are others I've read too, including Sandy and Heidi. Reading these helps. It forces me to think about things I don't want to face. It forces me to look at why I'm not ready to deal with things.

I hate knives. But it's made me admit that I like the feeling of having a knife in my hand. No, not to harm myself. I turned off that road a long time ago. It's the empowerment and finally knowing I can look after myself if I need to. Not just with a knife. That's just a representation.

Thank you to everyone who comes here to read what I say. And thank you to those who continue to say what is true for them, for allowing the rest of us to feel more 'normal' and less isolated. I know, in time, I'll be ready to say what I need to say.

This blog is all me and I show different layers at different times. Some are just more difficult to reach than others.

A diagnosis and a decision

The first doctor I went to yesterday wouldn't take me, because I got there 10 minutes before they closed and I didn't have an appointment. Mind you, they had nobody else waiting there, so I was rather unimpressed. I drove to the next doctor I knew (that is further away and always has a line up of people waiting), and managed to get in fairly quickly.

Turns out I have bronchitis. Not at all happy with this, but at least I can work on getting it fixed. No wonder all the sinus/hayfever drugs I've been taking, haven't worked. D'oh! I'm on antibiotics now and he gave me an inhaler. Generally, I can't take ventolin inhalers because they make me shake so much I can't even hold a pen, but the one he gave me must be different, because I've had no problems so far, despite taking double doses. I know, my bad, but hey, I feel better.

The boy bought me red roses last night and took me to dinner. That kinda stuff always helps with recovery too! He brought up moving in again, and again, we didn't come to a decision. But it's on the table and we talked about our concerns. We still have some time to make up our minds, so we're just going to take our time to think it through properly.

As for the property my mother and brother want to buy, I'm not going to do it. For a number of reasons. The primary ones being a) if I buy an investment property before I own my first home, I won't get the Government grant of $7,000, b) I won't get any return on the investment I put into the home until it's sold, because mum will be living in it and there wouldn't be any rental income, c) it's too close to my family and d) I'd just rather do my own thing, in my own time, rather than have to agree to every decision with my mother and my brother.

Oh well...at least I can breathe again. I don't know what's in that inhaler, but I'm feeling very relaxed!

Time to admit defeat

I've lasted about 5 weeks transporting a box of tissues with me everywhere I've been and popping pills to the point where I and my handbag both rattle now. It's not been fun or pretty.

Last night was the final straw. At the end of last week and over the weekend, I thought I was improving. Apparently not. I got to bed relatively early last night, but by just after midnight I was awake and having a coughing fit that would rival an old man with emphysema. After that, in half hour intervals, I'd be awake and keeping the stray neighbourhood cats away with my horrid wheezing and choking. Seriously, I could hardly breathe.

At 3.15am I got out of bed (so as to at least allow the boy to get some sleep), went downstairs and got online for an hour or so. That was ok, because I could breathe if I sat up. But I had to come to work today, so off I trundled just after 4am and tried to get back to sleep sitting up. It was good in theory, but didn't really work out so well.

Needless to say, by the time I was supposed to get out of bed, my head was thumping and I felt like I'd been punched in the chest. So I rang my boss' secretary and told her I was sleeping in and I'd be in when I could. I got to work at 10.30.

But I know I can't have another night like last night. At 1pm I was alseep at my desk. I have to go see a doctor today. I've relented. I need to know what's wrong and how to fix it. And I'm sick of always being sick around C. He seems not to be bothered by it, in that his behaviour is more of concern rather than annoyance. But I don't want pity. I want to be well....better than this, anyway.

I do have a regular GP, but seeing him is an event in itself. He doesn't take appointments, he's a long way from me and basically, I'd have to take a day off work to see him. I can't do that right now. So I'll see a local GP...and I'll pray that he doesn't have an accent I can't understand. You see, I live in a pretty diverse area, multiculturally speaking, and to get a doctor who's first language is English, is a struggle. The Italian ones I'm fine with. My doctor is Italian. The ones in my area are mostly middle eastern. I'm cool with this as long as we both understand each other and they can help me to get well.

So there you have it. My body has beaten me. I have to go to a doctor. But the way I feel right now, not being able to breathe, I'd do just about anything to get it fixed.

Hmmm...maybe it's this time of year. Last time I was feeling like shit this much was this time last year when I was in the US.

A great opportunity?

My mother and my brother a buying a house together - across the road from one of my sisters, and down the road from another. My brother suggested I go in on it too, but mum told him I never have any money (um perhaps because I'm currently paying a fortune in rent that I didn't expect to this year and perhaps it's because I'm tired of being the family bank...).

Anyway, mum just asked me just now if I want to go in on it as well. It's soooo wrong to me in so many ways that I can't even articulate right now. It's not a place I'd want to visit. It's just too close to my 'family'. I wouldn't be interested in anything to do with it, except for financial issues. But the location is prime real estate in an area that will always increase in value. Purely from an investment perspective, it's a steal (particularly with the deal the current owners have offered).

I have to make this decision in the next couple of days.

What to do???????

Integration

Funnily enough, my shoulder pain was gone by Saturday morning (thank G-d for having a body that generally recovers quickly!), but C had spent Friday afternoon playing backyard cricket at work and his shoulder was sore exactly where mine had been. Personally, I like to think it was one of those sympathy pain transfer occasions and he just didn't want to see me suffering and took on my pain. Ha! Well, it's a nice thought.

It ended up that the go-karting was scheduled for the exact same time we had to be at C's nephew's 7th birthday party, so we couldn't go. Nice co-ordination happening there between C's brother and sister who organised both events! Pity, coz I would seriously have kicked C's butt in the sorry state he was in. And Brad, no problems with the 'drive like you stole it' thing - I already do!

I met dozens of C's family members and friends over the course of the weekend. I do remember a few names at least, but it's going to take forever to work out who's related to whom and how. Typical Catholic Irish family really - and they all get on really well with each other. They welcomed me in like I was one of them, which was nice. So far removed from my own family experience - polar opposites.

I still haven't quite fully explained the dynamics of my own family to C yet. He thinks I'm waiting till I'm fully entrenched in his life before I give him the full rundown. Really, there just hasn't been an opportune time so far. We're going on a picnic tomorrow. Maybe then.

C's son, A asked me again (for the third time), when we were staying at C's sister's place, if I was C's girlfriend. I said yes and asked him if it was ok and why he asked. He said, "because E (C's ex) comes down here in the beetle (C's car) to stay as well". I said, "well she doesn't anymore".

A bit of history here. C's car started off as E's car. It was her car, but, to show he was committed to the relationship, he got it on a lease through his salary. She was making the payments to him. When she left, she dumped him with the car and the payments. So he sold his own car (last night) and is keeping the cabriolet.

E and I have very similar names. She was also blonde. She and C broke up only a couple of months before I met him. C thought that A understood what had gone on because when he said he'd broken up with E, all A said was "she talked a lot", and that was that. We think maybe A thinks C is still going out with both of us, because while we were in the car on the way to C's sister's place, A had already asked if I was C's girlfriend. About ten seconds after that, he asked C if he knew about Henry VIII. We have no idea how that related to the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but we don't think it's because A thinks C chops the heads off all his girlfriends...but you never know...

I also finally got to meet A's mother - C's ex. I've been looking forward to it, because I figured I should just accept the situation. Funny, in a previous life I would have been horrendously jealous of her. She's a nice person. We got on fine. I didn't know how she'd react seeing me playing with A (at his request) in her house, but she was cool and got into it too, which is nice.

C sent me a text message last Thursday, saying 'hurry home, we haven't seen enough of each other lately'. Taken literally, that doesn't make sense, because we've spent every day together - every weekend, every evening, and I've stayed at his place every night except one in the last three weeks. But I know what he meant. We just haven't had time to sit and stop and talk. We go walking most afternoons and we talk a lot then and we talk a lot over dinner and things like that, but we haven't just stayed still in a long time. So in a strange way, it really does feel like we haven't seen each other. Hard to explain.

I can't believe how well we've merged our lives. We both still have our things we do for ourselves. I have my gym and my net stuff and he has his volunteer emergency stuff. We've just managed to balance everything else around those things so that neither of us feels as though we've sacrificed anything.

If it all died in the arse tomorrow, I wouldn't regret getting involved with him. I'm just enjoying the moments and hoping they continue.

Pain is my friend

I always manage to hurt myself. Even when I'm doing something completely boring and dull. I have an extra high pain barrier, which I think is probably a really good thing.

At my last gym, I used to do Body Attack and Body Combat classes a few times a week. Inevitably, I'd twist my ankle or do something similar. One time, doing a punch combination, I hyperextended my arm backwards and couldn't move it for 4 days. Mind you, this was in the first minute of the class, but because I have this notion that I'm some kind of superwoman, I kept going and did the entire class (as I did when I twisted my ankles). My arm is tingling? Hmmm...it's ok, I'll go to the doctor afterwards. Problem was, I could barely get into my car afterwards and change gears. But I got home eventually.

I don't like being in pain. So I pretend it doesn't exist. The thing with this is that I push myself because of it and don't do something about getting it fixed. If it doesn't exist, there's no need to go to the doctor, right?

Tomorrow, we're supposed to be going go-karting. Last time I went, I was taking a hairpin turn when this stupid chick who couldn't drive a kart to save her life, rammed into the side of me. Immediately, I knew I'd been hurt. Both my legs went numb. But it was the first practice round, to get timings. My mission for the day was to beat all the women and at least half of the men (there were about 30 of us). So I wasn't going to go down in flames before the race even started. Keep in mind, this was just a nice outing with friends. Some switch in the competitive side of me kicked in though, and my evil twin surfaced.

I could hardly walk, but I perservered and achieved what I set out to do. It took me two days before I let myself check out what that chick had done to my legs. She hit me from the side and both my legs hit the steering column. My left thigh had a bruise on it from my hip to my knee and I literally couldn't touch it. My right thigh wasn't so bad. After two weeks, I could barely put any weight on my knees. After six weeks, I figured I should go to the doctor. See? Denial. I could still function ok. It just hurt.

So we're going go-karting tomorrow. It might be a bit of a problem for me. I did something to my shoulder on Wednesday. I have no idea what I did, but I can hardly move my arm, I can't lie down (or if I do, it's a feat to get back up again), I can't lift anything, and I can't turn my head fully. I went to gym on Wednesday night and did my normal weight/cardio routine. Nothing out of the ordinary at all, and I was perfectly fine when I got home. Three hours later, a slight twinge. A bit after that, Houston, we have a problem.

It gets better. It's my left arm. I'm left handed. I have a manual car. I have to change gears with this arm. I have to drive two hours to C's sister's place tomorrow - before go-karting.

In my brain, I don't have a problem. Tonight, I'm scheduled to go to gym. I know I shouldn't. I know I can't. It won't stop me thinking, till the last minute, that I really can go and I really can lift weights.

I have some anti-inflammatory pain killers from the last time I did something dumb to myself. I'm taking those. I'll probably be a bit of a space cadet by lunch time, but it'll help me in the denial of pain.

C has given me $50 to go get some remedial massage today. I have issues with this on a number of levels, not the least of which being, if I want to go get help, I'm gonna pay for it myself. Stupid, independent, stubborn git that I am.

I will go go-karting tomorrow. I may be on crutches next week, but I'm gonna get in that kart. I wanna kick C's butt!

Crazy daze

I'm tired. I'm always tired. I can't remember a day when I was not tired. Living with narcolepsy is a bitch. No, I don't fall asleep instantly in my soup, but I am always tired. I could close my eyes and go to sleep anywhere, any time....except at night.

Every afternoon, I sit at my desk and it's an effort not to let my eyes close. There are times I'll suddenly realise I've had my eyes shut for a couple of minutes and I hope like heck that nobody's noticed.

I thought being on Dr Fun-Killer's diet would help in some ways - not eating sugars and high GI foods, making sure I'm balancing my sugar levels during the day. But it hasn't helped. It's just reiterated the fact that it's something I can't control without being on some sort of medication. The only medication that helps is a narcotic. I haven't taken it in over a year, because I really wanted to try to live without having to pop pills every day and feel like a junkie. But I'm seriously considering going back on them so I can concentrate and be more alert again.

I don't sleep at night. I don't go through the regular sleep patterns that people do. I go from being awake, straight to dream sleep, then awake again, averaging about every 90 minutes.

Generally, it doesn't stop me from doing anything. Once I'm up and doing something, as long as I stay active, I'm good. But get me at a party at night, where everyone sits down after a while, and I'm gone. If we're going out somewhere, keep me on my feet and active, or I'll crash quickly.

Because of this, I find it hard to come up with activities to do. Not because I don't want to do anything, but the thought of using energy and knowing I'm going to have to make concerted effort, makes getting up and motivated difficult. But tell me we're going somewhere, or we're doing something, I'll get organised and I'll be there. I just don't want to have to think of it myself. It's not coz I'm lazy. It's just coz if I didn't have to make the effort, I wouldn't - because my body wants to sleep.

I have to push myself so hard to complete a task sometimes. If I take a break from doing something, it's likely I may not come back to it. It's a conscious decision to keep ploughing on when my body wants to shut down. When there are other people involved in that task, it's worse. It's not that I'm less keen to finish it, or that I don't care, or that I don't want to put in as much effort. It just takes me more effort to keep going.

Psychologists would tell you narcolepsy is a form of escapism. Sleeping is hiding from the world, escaping from reality and not wanting to face certain things. Maybe. But it's certainly not a nice reality in itself.

I don't want to be always tired. I don't want to think I'm always complaining about how tired I am. But I don't want to be constantly medicated either. I don't know that there's a balance between the two though, so it's one or the other. The question is, which is worse?

ET phone eBay

First there was the Virgin Mary toast, now there's the Nutri Grain ET face. This actually got a main story spot on the local current affairs show.

Yes, a piece of breakfast cereal sold for $1, 035 AUD.

Some people obviously have more money than sense. Crazy!

I think it's totally funny and it really does look like ET, but still....

Cross Kringle

Ok, I understand the concept of Kris Kringles and I think it has merit in some instances. I believe C's family do it. $20 or so on a present for one person in the family, so everybody doesn't have to spend a fortune buying the whole clan something.

But in an office environment, I have a bit of an issue with it. I was temping for a company once and everyone had to participate. I hadn't been there long and ended up getting some stupid gift pack thing you get from a pharmacy. The type of cheap perfume, soaps and powders that little old ladies with dyed purple hair wear. The stuff that kills grass as the person walks by. It showed the person knew nothing about me, didn't care what they got me, and that they had no taste or imagination.

So it shouldn't surprise anyone that I didn't go in either of the two different Kris Kringles they have going at work this year. Why two? Who knows! One of the secretaries started one for anyone who wanted to participate. Then another secretary started one for administration staff only. Doesn't make sense.

As she was distributing her envelopes in our department, the first secretary made a comment about how we're a 'bunch of scrooges in this department'. First of all, it's voluntary and therefore we're under no obligation to go spend money on people we have no interest in at any other time of the year. Second of all, our department is mostly 25-30 something technical computer guys. They're not going to be skipping down to the shop to buy something for a 40 or 50 year old secretary. Thirdly, if we liked any of these people enough to be bothered to buy them something, we wouldn't wait to be asked. We'd just do it.

Have your Christmas spirit. I'm happy for you. Be festive. I will smile at your excitement. Heck, despite my lack of cartwheeling and skipping down the street at this time of year, I still have a great time setting up a Christmas tree, or putting up lights, or buying and wrapping stuff for people I care about.

But please don't come into my space, chastising me in your knitted santa sweater, with your Christmas tree earrings and fake reindeer antlers, telling me I'm a bad person coz I don't want to spend $10 on a present you'll probably hate anyway.

Ok, so she wasn't wearing all the festive stuff, but she may as well have been.