Exposure
C went to his son's end of school year concert thingy last night (very cute photos I wish I could post!), so he didn't get home till about 10pm. I went to gym, bummed around at home for a bit, then made my way to his place about 7.30pm.
About half way to his place, I came up with some thoughts I wanted to get out on here, so I decided to type it all out on his computer when I arrived. C has never hidden anything from me, so I don't know why I expect it. Still trying to reprogram myself, I guess.
We'd been on his computer the night before last, using Word, and I saw a file in his recent files list that said something about a 'virtual kiss'. No big drama, but it got my attention. Can you see where this is heading?
Anyway, I typed out what I needed to and saved it to his desktop. I asked him to email it to me next time he logs into his email, because I couldn't be bothered waiting for his dialup to kick in. Yeah, I'm a cable snob now! There's stuff in there about him. He'll read it, I'm sure. That's ok. I'm getting used to allowing myself to be vulnerable with him.
So I checked that 'virtual kiss' file. I don't know what I expected, or how I thought I'd react. I reacted by kicking myself for allowing stupid thoughts to escape my brain. The file contained cut and pasted standard rejection responses he'd sent to people who'd contacted him on match.com. Yeah, he's a sentimental git and keeps everything he's ever written or received....same as me.
It made me feel better about things. I know it shouldn't have, because he hadn't done anything and it was only my stupid insecurities and an expectation of him doing something wrong, because everyone else in the past has, that made me wonder about it in the first place.
I've had the keys to his house since three weeks after we met. You'd think I'd get it into my thick skull by now that he's got nothing to hide. Old insecurities die hard, huh.
About half way to his place, I came up with some thoughts I wanted to get out on here, so I decided to type it all out on his computer when I arrived. C has never hidden anything from me, so I don't know why I expect it. Still trying to reprogram myself, I guess.
We'd been on his computer the night before last, using Word, and I saw a file in his recent files list that said something about a 'virtual kiss'. No big drama, but it got my attention. Can you see where this is heading?
Anyway, I typed out what I needed to and saved it to his desktop. I asked him to email it to me next time he logs into his email, because I couldn't be bothered waiting for his dialup to kick in. Yeah, I'm a cable snob now! There's stuff in there about him. He'll read it, I'm sure. That's ok. I'm getting used to allowing myself to be vulnerable with him.
So I checked that 'virtual kiss' file. I don't know what I expected, or how I thought I'd react. I reacted by kicking myself for allowing stupid thoughts to escape my brain. The file contained cut and pasted standard rejection responses he'd sent to people who'd contacted him on match.com. Yeah, he's a sentimental git and keeps everything he's ever written or received....same as me.
It made me feel better about things. I know it shouldn't have, because he hadn't done anything and it was only my stupid insecurities and an expectation of him doing something wrong, because everyone else in the past has, that made me wonder about it in the first place.
I've had the keys to his house since three weeks after we met. You'd think I'd get it into my thick skull by now that he's got nothing to hide. Old insecurities die hard, huh.
posted by E in Oz at 10:47 am
these thoughts escaped my brain at 10:47 am
4 Comments:
Yup, old habits do die hard. Been there, done that and was pissed at myself for doing so. I'm glad to see you're human too missy....
Daffy...welcome to my cyberworld. Stick around. :-)
RG...well yeah, it's hard to admit it, coz you know I think I'm superwoman, but ...sigh...I'm only human. See? I said it! hehe
I told B about two weeks ago that sometimes on a long weekend when I'm already struggling, I'll be afraid to open my email because I think there's going to be an email from him saying he needs space or something. He was amazed to hear that the thought would even enter my mind (although glad I felt comfortable telling him), and very seriously asked how often he should tell me he loves me and never wants to lose me in order for me to feel better about it.
I told him I think that telling me daily for about the next 50 years should do it. ;)
Glad to know I'm not the only one who can get insecure.
hugs
Hey R, well I am definitely doing better than I used to...I haven't searched for my Christmas presents yet. LOL
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