Reflections and duality

I’ve been thinking a lot about what Sandy said about me having defences up and being on guard – not showing my feelings etc – and how I said that’s not really who I am. When I think about it, I’m both – defensive, but also completely vulnerable. Really, everybody is. It just depends who you’re interacting with at the time and how much of your ‘self’ you’re willing to give them.

Initially, I wanted to be defensive with C. I wasn’t prepared to believe in his acceptance of me. Remnants of the way I’d trained myself to think, given recent experiences, with D saying one thing, but meaning another (or not really knowing himself even what he wanted), and E who was just completely emotionally inept. I didn’t want a relationship with him. I knew too well he was not what I needed. I knew he’d bring me down, not lift me up. But he was good company all the same – for a couple of weeks anyway. And of course, there’s the bj guy who, after an absence of about 6 weeks, left me an offline message the other day wondering why I never contacted him. He got pissed off when I told him I was in a relationship. Sorry buddy, but I went for coffee with you once because I felt sorry for you, but you were never, ever going to get a bj from me.

So you tend to question everything, whether it’s warranted or not. That’s internal insecurity being projected onto another person. I know that now. I can tell the difference. You never really know the other person’s motives. All you can do is have faith in the belief that they mean you no ill intent, and if they do, it’s about them, not you. I know this now, too. Faith. My tattoo. My constant reminder.

My feelings are my responsibility. Facts and feelings. Rely on facts. Feelings result from the facts and how we interpret them. Or misinterpret. Or assume. Fact…and action…the true indication of intent. Feelings are fleeting. They’re moment to moment. At the time, well, any time, they’re as real as fact – at least to that person – but it’s the ongoing facts – calls to action – that determine the ultimate longevity of the feeling.

It reminds me of what the psychic said; “Right now, whatever it is, it’s true”. I’ve used that when I’ve doubted lately. Doubted what? I’m not sure exactly. Myself? Moreso than anything else. But that’s nothing new. C? No. Whatever it is, it’s true. Faith.

Logic would suggest I (we?) tread carefully. I mentioned the other day to someone on the board that it’s been a whirlwind from the beginning. Whirlwind and careful hardly go hand in hand in a sentence. Perhaps careful isn’t even the right word. Cautious? No, because I think we are cautious. Can you have a whirlwind and yet not rush things? Yes. I think so. I think that’s our circumstance. And it’s good. And I’m content. But you knew that already. Could be simply that being logical means doing exactly what we’re doing because it’s working. That makes more sense.

You guys know a lot about me. Things I haven’t told my friends. Things I’ll never tell my family. Things I don’t like to admit to myself. I was going to say that if I met the majority of you IRL, I’d probably tell you all these things at some stage. But that’d contradict myself, because I don’t tell people some of this IRL.

Anyway, back to my original point. Yes, I’ve got walls that can be seen from space just as easily as the Great Wall of China. But in a tiny space, a small corner, tucked neatly away where few can find it, there’s a door that’s open. I am not my walls. I am what’s behind that door.

….my, what a long diatribe that turned out to be! But y’all know I talk a lot.