Impossible Pie

I was thinking about a recipe I gave E on her blog and remembered a book my dad gave me. Last night, I was going through it over the phone with him. It's a very old fashioned cook book (1850s) with some more than unusual recipes.

One is Impossible Pie. When he first told me about it, before he sent me the book, I wondered what was so impossible about it and if it was impossible, why'd they have it in a book and expect people to try to make it? A challenge, perhaps? Here's the recipe exactly as the book says it:

4 eggs
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup plain flour
2 cups milk
1 cup sugar
1 cup coconut
2 teaspoons vanilla

Beat all ingredients together, having put them into the bowl in given order. Bake 1 hour in moderate oven in a greased large pie plate. This mixture makes a flour base, custard centre and coconut topping.

Reading that, I worked out what 'impossible' means. Unless of course someone can explain to me how mixing all those ingredients in the same bowl will give you a separate base, centre and topping. Anyone dare to make it and let me know what happens?? I want photos too.

Here are a few more of the questionable edibles listed:

Beef Tea - listed as "a mild stimulant, but not very nourishing"
Never Fail Pastry - maybe they should use that in Impossible Pie?
Health Salad - main ingredients cabbage and silverbeet.
Tasty Dog Biscuits - I think these are for dogs, but it's listed right under Coconut Delights.
Chilli Beer - really, you don't want to know.
Roasted Wallaby - for the patriotic folk.
Little Pigs in Blankets - um, ok.
Plain Fricasseed Brains - sounds lovely huh?

I'll happily post the details of those recipes for anyone who wants them!

There are some awesome yummy sounding recipes too...the type that add 30 thousand calories just by reading what's in them. The same cookbook also has recipes for different soaps, ointments, cough mixtures, cures for hiccups and removing splinters. Oh, and apparently grated nutmeg in a cup of boiling water will cure a severe headache. I'm not gonna try that one.

Nothin' like a challenge!

I had my interview today for the job I want (as opposed to the job I've been offered). It went really well. Yes, it was difficult to talk and if they didn't give me water, I may not have been able to at all, but overall I was relaxed and they seemed like really nice people to work with.

First impression? The Irish girl on the desk who replied, "That's grand" to something I said. It's not a phrase you hear all the time, so it was kinda funny and I decided I liked her. The building was a bit like the Tardis. It looked very small on the outside, but once you stepped through the door, it was huge, like a warehouse, but fitted out in a very modern, trendy style. The people? Geez, it was like walking into a fashion magazine shoot. Very nice looking girls, rather attractive boys. And they were all nice! The other good thing is that they're all a little offbeat, eccentric type personalities and all very, very smart. The mental stimulation working in a place like that would be great.

Nice looking boy David watched me do a test on the computer that they were having everyone do. He said nobody had got everything right so far. That was enough for me. Sometimes I surprise myself with what makes me competitive. Anyway, I kicked arse on the test (complex formatting/editing of a document), which I found pretty easy, overall. The one thing I didn't get was because I was stupid and he even said, "I know you just were over-thinking that one". Ha, so he excused the mistake. Wheee! I'm good! Ha!

They're seeing more people today, having a think day tomorrow, ringing references on Thursday and I should know by Friday if I've got the job. Of course that means I have to stall giving back the documents for the job I have, and I feel incredibly guilty, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do, I guess.

Talking - well, trying to talk - for an hour did nothing to help my voice come back. I can just about sound normal most of the time, with no noise coming out only occasionally now, but I think I'm done speaking for the day. I'm going out tonight with my girlfriend T who, incidentally, also lost her voice last week. It could be an interesting night.

Now I'm going to go lie in the sun in my courtyard, while we still have some. It'd be nice if the weather remembered it's supposed to be warm now, not completely arse freezing!

Everybody loves Raymond

About 8 or so years ago, after I’d been living down here for a couple of years, my old boss came to Melbourne for a conference. He had plenty of issues. He was an alcoholic. He lived with his wife, but had a younger girlfriend, survived a plane crash in Africa, in which everyone else died, then watched as his toddler son got hit by a car one afternoon as he was at a party with his wife. He was pretty messed up.

He was also obsessed with me. Gave me gifts, took me to dinner once (I went to shut him up), and watched as I lost about $350 of his on blackjack one night at the casino in Brisbane. I left my favourite umbrella (that cost about $100) at the bar that night, so I suppose it was sorta fair in the end. He drove me nuts, but I was only about 21-22, and didn’t really know how to handle it…except to completely antagonize him. I accepted the gifts. Who knew you were allowed to say no? The advances? Well, I guess in that respect I did know where to draw the line. He never got what he wanted. He knew that I went out of my way to annoy him. He never gave up.

I kept in touch (still do) with two women I worked with, when I moved down here. He asked one of them to give him my number and he contacted me when he got here. He asked me to dinner. I thought, well you’re an idiot for continuing this stupidity, but fine, I’ll pick the place since you’re paying. I chose the most expensive restaurant in the most expensive hotel….the kind of place you pay $45 for a microscopic sized scallop on a platter sized plate.

Despite the fact that he drank way too much and I had no respect for him, we got on fairly well. I’ll give him one thing, he respected my intelligence and we had some good conversations during the time I worked for him. So dinner that night was ok. He then said he had something for me back at the hotel. Um…yeah, ok. Truly, the guy was a slow learner. I said sure. I wanted to see how the rich/er people wasted their money.

He’d just come back from a trip to Singapore and gave me the most beautiful smelling perfume I’ve ever had….and I’m not a perfume person at all. Most of them give me hayfever or headaches – or both. He also gave me a Raymond Weil watch. It cost so much that I didn’t like to wear it, even though I loved it. I still do. But I haven’t worn it for years. I lost one of the pins for it and never got it repaired, because I never wore it.

Today, I decided I should try to get it fixed and start wearing it instead of keeping it wrapped up in tissue and bubble wrap for eternity. Apparently, it’s not just a watch and it’s not just jewellery. It’s a ‘piece’ and there’s nobody in my area who can simply put a new pin in the band. After talking (with the half a voice I currently have) to 6 different jewellers, one finally said I’d have to call or email RW themselves to find out what to do….oh and that it generally takes 4-8 weeks for repairs to be done. Huh?! Of course, I couldn’t get an answer from anyone about how much that little exercise might cost me, but I’m starting to think it’s going to be a tad more than I first thought.

I think it’ll help if I go with the “it’s an investment” mindset.

Oh, if you want one, I could only find one other the same on the net. On ebay, of course…and a ridiculously good price! Probably how much the damn pin is gonna cost me! Ha!

Whatchu say?

Sometime between waking up this morning (not that I was actually asleep all that long last night) and lunch time today, my voice decided to take a leave of absence. Not completely, but just enough to make me sound like an old drag queen who's spent far too much time in smoky lounge bars.....strangely deep and somewhat husky. It'd probably be sorta sexy if I worked on one of those phone lines and I didn't feel like crap. However, since I don't work as a $4.95 per minute (extra charges may apply to mobiles and payphones) call centre person, it's just a total pain. Literally, too.

After spending $30+ on over the counter things to get me through the night, it was suggested to me, by the pharmacist, that I should get my butt to a doctor first thing tomorrow. Apparently, the gunk that's chosen to inhabit my sinuses felt the need to also set up shop in my lungs. After hearing how I sounded, and recognising that my head was about to explode, and my lungs were being strangled by foul green gunk that shouldn't be there, he said I'm about this far >< from having a serious infection. Thanks dude. Just gimme drugs that'll make me feel human till I can get to the doc.

The paperwork I have to sign for the new job arrived today, as did an email from the guy who'll be my new boss. He said it's "fantastic" that I'll be joining them....which made me feel a whole lot worse when I got a call that I was shortlisted for an interview with the other job I was/am more interested in. A bird in the hand, or consider all options before signing? I'm not sure yet.

The next chapter

I resigned! It was stressful and anti-climactic at the same time. Have to work out the intricacies of the notice period and all that stuff, but it's basically a done deal now.

I went to a new doc/counsellor today and I think I am going to like her a lot. She's an older lady and is very positive and encouraging. Unless there's a cancellation, I can't get in to see her again till mid November, but that's ok, coz I think she'll be a big help.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Fine print

The agency faxed me the contract for the job this afternoon. Talk about not being able to concentrate once I had that in my hand! Seven pages! Sheesh! The good thing is that it's a fairly standard agreement. The bad thing is they've put my start date 13 November. I'll have to talk to them about that! It's too soon and I still have to negotiate with my boss over my notice and I want at least a week break between jobs. I had the 20th in mind. We'll see. I have to give notice tomorrow and I'm seriously dreading that conversation!

Wanna know the weird thing about it all? I never even applied for the job I've been offered. I applied to the agency for another job a while back and heard nothing. They called me out of the blue to say I didn't get that one (no joke?), but they thought I'd like this one. I've never dealt with them before. I really like the girl from the agency. As in, I think she'd be cool to be friends with. I'm not sure I can say anything though. Wouldn't want her to think I was picking her up or something. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Meanwhile, at my last counselling appointment, I made a follow up. I thought it was for this Friday. It was yesterday. Shit! Guess I've been a tad distracted lately. The counsellor had said I also had to make an appointment with a new GP for a full consult. I found one that sounds appropriate today and called to make an appointment. My options were 5 weeks from now, or tomorrow morning. Shit! Again. So I have to go to work early, leave mid morning, go to the doc, and be back at work just before lunch.

At least I'm getting needle stabbed and massaged tomorrow after work. I'll need it by then.

Um, what else? Oh, I told my mum about the new job. She didn't congratulate me. I know without her saying it that she's upset that she can't tell her friends that I work at such a 'prestigious' place anymore. Eh, I don't care. The job has become boring. She wasn't positive about the industry of the new place. She told me to lie to my boss that I had already planned a week holiday to her place in December for my sister's wedding (it's on a Saturday and I'm only going for the weekend). When I said there was room to move within the company, she suggested I look for a job close to her. She said it would make her happy. I said I'm happy here and that's why I live here. Sigh... Like Ian said, how thoughtless of me for not considering her plans for my life.

And I'm sick. Sore throat. Puffy eyes. Blocked nose, runny nose, blocked nose, runny nose... no sleep. But, thankfully? No headache! Yay!

Quote

My daily cyber-taunt motivation.

It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them. Anthony Storr Psychiatrist

Think ya know me, huh?

Ian lay down a challenge. I accepted and now I'm passing it on. Copy and paste the questions below into my comments and answer them with what you know about me.....or make 'em up. Ha, and 16 is optional!

Go on. I know you have nothing better to do! :-p

1. What is my first name?
2. Where did we first meet?
3. What do you think my middle name would be?
4. How long have you known me?
5. When is the last time we spoke?
6. Do I drink? If so, what is my favourite drink?
7. What was your first impression of me?
8. What’s one of my favorite things to do?
9. Am I funny?
10. What’s my favorite type of music?
11. Can I sing?
12. What is the best feature about me?
13. Am I shy or outgoing?
14. Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?
15. Do I have any special talents?
16. Do you think I’m hot? Go ahead, you can say:
17. What is my favorite food?
18. Have you ever talked about me behind my back? Be honest:
    
19. Am I dating anyone?
    
20. If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?
21. What’s your favorite memory of me?
22. Do I like someone right now? If so, who?
23. What is my worst habit?
24. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?
25. Are we friends?
26. What is something fun you remember us doing together?
27. Do I believe in God?
28. Am I family oriented?
29. Do I have any children?
30. Do I have siblings?
31. Am I successful?
32. What’s my favorite movie?
33. Who is my best friend?
34. What kind of car do I drive?
35. Will you repost this so others can do it?

Jolly good job!

Aaaaaaaaaarrrgh! I got offered the job!

They've even offered slightly more $ than I was expecting! I should get the contract tomorrow or Wednesday and then I have to give notice. Holy cow! I think I'm relieved, but I'm feeling a whole new kind of freaked out. I don't quite know what to think right now.

Che cosa è il problema?

Apart from the nerves and expected "can I do it?" thoughts, I had a phone interview today for a position that, if I had to choose between the two, I would take, no question. I won't even know if I will get an in-person meeting till Wednesday. I'm going to cross that bridge when I get there, but I'm feeling a little guilty about accepting a position when another is more appealing. But I don't have the other one and a bird in the hand, et al...

Soooo....I've told the whole blogging world and internet at large, but I'm not ready to tell anyone in real life yet. Probably because it's not quite real to me yet. It will be when I get the paperwork.

As fate, or the timing g-ds would have it, I got a letter today from my real estate agent saying they're going to increase my rent from January. There's the impetus I needed to start looking for a more suitable place - where I can put all my belongings and not have to keep stuff in storage. Don't worry Ian, I won't make you move all that furniture and crap again. Just gotta find a charity to collect it all. Oh, but then there's all the furniture in my house...

OMG!! I'd have to sit down if I wasn't already.

A thought...

...while shopping on Saturday. Good thing I recently dusted off my hand weights.

Blood and bier goggles

I got an education yesterday. The whole day was interesting.

The first thing I learnt was that I should go to the hairdresser more often. He makes my hair pretty and I feel good...and his stories of his nutty ex wife make my life sound positively boring. That makes me feel good too...well, you know.

On the way home, I got a text from my friend S (who was my neighbour when I lived with the stranger). I haven't heard from her in a while and she wanted to know if I wanted to see a movie with her after she went shopping. I had to find some clothes too, so I said I'd do that. She made me try on dresses. If you know me, you know I'm not a dress or skirt person at all. I think she thought I was a complete nutcase when I tried on one dress and said I was in the sound of music...and danced around the change rooms accordingly. I should have realised being stupid would get me into trouble. I have no idea how it happened, but I was putting another dress on when I scratched my chin with my thumb nail. Not really having much in the way of nails, I was surprised how much it hurt. That was till I saw myself in the mirror with blood pouring down my chin. Mmmm, yes. It hurt. A lot.

Here's proof. That's a chunk taken out, not a mere scratch.

For the next half hour, I was walking around with a tissue held to my face to try to stop the bleeding and I felt much like Norman Gunston (couldn't find a photo online, but Aussies will know who I mean).

You know that fashion sizes these days make absolutely no sense at all when you walk into one store and walk out with a SIZE 8 (!!) dress, but in another, you can't get a pair of size 12 pants to pull up, let alone do up.

On that particular occasion, I yelled out of the change room, "Hey, if these are a size 12, then I need to go on the Biggest Loser!" The useless git in the shop asked if I wanted a bigger pair. No, I want to smack you, customer-no-service person with unrealistic clothing sizes!

It was interesting shopping with another girl. She made me try on things I thought I'd hate and ended up buying. And coloured things. You're lucky to find anything other than blue, black, grey, white, or khaki in my cupboard. Sssshh, ok! I know I'm boring! Somehow she convinced me to buy a dress and at least 3 'girly' tops.

After a nanna-nap for 45 minutes when I got home, I made myself respectable, and with the skill of a magician, I made the bleeding cavern in my chin almost invisible and off I went. [skip a whole lot of meeting and greeting of other friend T's friends, and picking up and dropping off of same.]

We went to the European Bier Cafe in the city. There weren't many people there when we arrived. We went upstairs to the band area and were surprised when a group of serious looking goths turned up...then hit the dance floor to dance to 80s music. Funny sight, all those folks mixing it up with guys in suits just back from the races (horse, that is) and the regular crowd...oh, and the hen's party.

I learned (or rather, was reminded) last night that the amount of alcohol a guy consumes is equally proportionate to the right he thinks he has to touch you up or do something equally lewd. Guys, it's unbecoming! It wasn't long before I yelled, "Do NOT touch me" to some guy who thought he was in when I stood next to him at the bar. Dude, let me get my drink in peace!

I learned that the seemingly quietest and least available girl in the group is generally the one who will get hit on the most and will have to be taken home early, because she's had way more to drink than she should have. Five became two.

'Back off' vibes don't seem to work all the time either, I found. In fact, a guy's lack of ability to read the back off signals is in equal proportion to his alcohol consumption. More alcohol, less clue.

In the end, it was just myself and T. She found a boy she was interested in. He found her when he turned around and saw her literally pointing him out to me. I made fun of his name - not to him, though. That was part of my job as the bitter, cynical offsider. Or maybe it was too easy a target. His name was Clint. You work it out. I didn't say it. Just outwardly pondered that he wouldn't want to write the letters too close together.

Anyway, I was presented with 3 of his friends. I managed to upset and dismiss two of them in quick succession, never to be seen again. He asked what I did to them. I guess my back off vibe was effective those times. A third was presented. He introduced himself as the wing man, there to look after his #1. I presented myself as the bitter, cynical offsider, there to make sure T didn't get into trouble and by the way, as long as you don't try to touch me, I'll be reasonable. We came to an understanding that we'd do small talk while our friends got acquainted. We talked about cats. He said I couldn't be so bitter coz I was laughing. I said he shouldn't misinterpret my sarcasm. For the most part, I was nice to the dude coz he was respectful. He was lucky. I even offered to share my chips (so I didn't look like a greedy pig). Still, after the three of them had Red Bull and jagermeister shots, he vanished too.

I wasn't pleased with the next part. I wanted to go home, T wanted to stay. Normally, I wouldn't leave, but I did (and had to walk miles for a taxi that would take me home, but that's another story) and she swore to let me know when she was going home and when she got there...which she did. So it was all good in the end.

That wasn't the end for me. I have no idea what happened, but when I got home, I thought I was going to have to get myself off to a doctor. I must have bopped a bit too hard on the dance floor and put my hip out. I could not get comfortable, no matter what I did. OMG, it was the worst pain I've been in for a while. I went to bed around 3am and between that and the headache from the cigarette smoke, I was still trying to get to sleep properly at 6am. Unbelievably, I got up at 8am and somehow the pain was gone. Good thing, too.

Today has been up and down, but I won't ramble on about that. I'm tired of being whiny.

Oh, and tomorrow I find out if I got that job. Trouble is, I found one on Friday that I think I would luuuuuurv, so will have to call the guy and see if he would be able to hurry up the process on that for me. Luck luck luck vibes!

Like there aren't more important things to worry about

THE US has banned Vegemite, even to the point of searching Australians for jars of the spread when they enter the country.

WTF? It's in the bread, but you can't put it on your bread. Yeah, that makes sense. Read it here.

Can you say, "break-up hair"?

I haven't had a fringe since I was a teenager, I think.
Maybe it woulda helped if I smiled a bit...











Ok, this one's better, but I should still learn to smile, I suppose. I'm going out tonight. About bloody time I had some fun!

Breathing

It's been a mentally draining day. It didn't start out that way. This morning, I read a post on a message board and it really hit me. I'm not sure why, but I felt compelled to start my own thread, with a different perspective on the topic....and managed to upset myself quite a bit, talking about my childhood and, in part, about my relationship with the stranger's son.

The next thing I did compounded the emotions I was already feeling. I was replying to a job ad and wanted to refer back to a letter I'd written previously. I have a tendency to read job ads at home and send them to myself at work so I have time to think about them before I respond. I don't put subjects in them so if anybody snoops, they can't tell what the email is about. So, I was scrolling through these emails and came across one of the nicest, sweetest emails T had sent me. It wasn't written that long ago and it's hard for me to think he doesn't still feel that sentiment. I may never know the answer to that. I know I'm still the same person he was talking about.

Something more from the book I'm reading...

The True Message of Anxiety: focus, take care, learn more, increase ability to cope.

Next to resentment, anxiety may be the most misunderstood of all emotions. It's a feeling that something bad might happen and that you will not be able or willing to cope. Misinterpretting the true message of anxiety keeps you walking on eggshells.

Actually, anxiety is an important, useful emotion.... It's a response to a real, imagined, or anticipated change in the environment. It tells you to focus, to figure out how to deal with the change. Mental focus means shutting out all information processing except that which is immediately useful to solving the problem. .... Anxiety becomes a problem if it stimulates an underlying feeling of incompetence, caused by core hurts of powerlessness and inadequacy. In other words, you don't know what to do, and your brain doesn't know what to focus on. So it begins to scan, which means it takes in a lot more surface information a lot more rapidly, with little discernment for what is relevant. Your thoughts race forward like a runaway freight train. The scanning process itself raises the anxiety as the problem seems more and more unsolvable in the flurry of possibilities, most of which are unrelated and improbable. ...

Appreciating your Competence

...Competent people are able to do tasks that are important to them reasonably well. "Important to them" is the key. People simply do not perform unimportant tasks as well as they perform tasks that are important to them. ...Whenever you are thoughtful, solution-oriented, smart and self regulating, you reinforce your sense of competence. The following seven tips can help you appreciate it more:

1. Take responsibility for everything you do, think and feel. Always take responsibility for solutions to your problems. Taking responsibility only for solutions (rather than blame for causes) gives you power.

2. Focus on what you can control - your ability to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect - rather than what you cannot control, such as the opinions and behaviours of your [partner].

3. Think in terms of solutions rather than problems. Be flexible, think multiple solutions - there's almost always more than one.

4. Realise genuine confidence - if you make a mistake, you can fix it. (Research shows that once you give yourself permission to make mistakes, you'll make fewer.)

5. Step back and see things in wider contexts, observing the complexity of issues.

6. Stand or sit up straight and take up as much room as possible.

7. Smile as often as you can.

Not so PC IT

I had a second interview today with a company that, from what I can tell, hasn't asked anyone else back for second interviews. That's a positive. I have mixed emotions about what to think and do if I get offered the job, but I'll cross that bridge later on.

I didn't see the person who interviewed me on Monday. Instead, he had his second in charge and a guy who works in that department speak to me. Considering not one of the three of us prepared in any way, or really had an idea what to ask, it went fairly well. That is, it went well if you are of the opinion that sometimes you gotta be a little politically incorrect to see what the other party thinks and what the company culture is like.

For instance, the conversation included...

Me: So...the women who work here...are they young, old, what?
#2 guy: There's a mix really.
Me: Ok, just wondered coz all the women I work with are in the kids getting married and having babies stage.
#1 guy: Oh, there's a few of those here. [looks at #2] You know whatsherface is um...yeah, her second one....
Me: It's ok. I know this industry is male dominated. I'm just curious.
#1 guy: Do you have kids?
Me: Oh G-d no.
#1 guy: Single? Married?
Me: I'm single [realise that's the first time I've said it out loud]
#2 guy: Single?
Me: Yep single.
#1 guy: Plans for babies?
Me: LOL um noooooo. Oh, but I have two cats...

And then, because none of us really had anything specific to ask, I had them show me around the office and managed to get some insight into what they think about what they do, who they work with and the company overall. As I left, they apologised for potentially painting the job and the company in a negative light. But I just found it interesting. It was good to see the interviewers more uncomfortable about the whole questioning process than I was.

The whole thing had a bit of a 'first day on the job' feel to it, like they already assumed I'd be working there. That has me a bit freaked out. I have a lot to think about now....and a phone call to wait for.

Familiarity

You know you must be on pretty familiar terms with the people you work with when you say, "Hey, do you know when my printer is coming?", and three of the guys swear they heard, "Hey, do you know when my period is coming?"

Yep. That was a weird moment.

Sun(ny)day

Good mood. Not so good mood. Good mood. Not so good mood. Too much time to kill. Too much time to think.

I finally invested in a DVD player yesterday afternoon. A complete impulse buy. I thought it would be a good distraction, spending time setting it up and getting it all connected. Five minutes later I was done. *taps fingers and thinks* I watched Criminal Intent then went to bed.

I bought March of the Penguins a couple of weeks ago. On the back of the case, it mentions it's a love story of sorts. Probably not the sort of thing I should be watching, especially today. Happy should-a-been anniversary to me. Anyway....

For some insane reason, I've been waking up a lot earlier than normal lately. Today, I was wide awake at 6.21am - on a Sunday! - but forced myself to stay in bed till around 8. That's about 3 hours more than I'm used to having on a Sunday and a lot more time to fill. I've found some things I can look into to keep me distracted in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, I'll get to meet some new people too.

But today, I wasn't fussed on really going anywhere. So I did a core strength workout that says it takes ten minutes, even though the dvd goes for 30 minutes. Next, I did a body conditioning yoga dvd that went for just under an hour, in which I remember just how much it can hurt when you're just getting started. Good thing I've got another massage appointment tomorrow.

Since I haven't been able to use my courtyard for the last 6 months, due to the cold Melbourne winter, I've been trying to get the most out of the unusually sunny weekends we're having. So I spent a couple of hours sleeping in the sun.

What better way to finish off a workout and a sleep in the sun than some nice food, right? Nothing like a WW chocolate pudding and a cup of tea while you settle into phase two of the afternoon, watching The Jewel of the Nile on tv.

On another note, without wanting to jinx myself, I hope to have some good job news by the end of this week. I'm feeling good.

My heart's still sad, but my body's feeling better.

(Anon G, I just read your message in the other place. I didn't write there coz I wasn't sure anyone checked it anymore. If any of you do still check in there, let me know and I might give more details about stuff.)

Land on the horizon

It occured to me today that I haven't heard back from the people I interviewed with in the Amityville house on Tuesday. I'm glad.

As for the interview I had that afternoon, with the agency, I had a first round interview with the client today and it went really well. As much as the role is daunting and makes me a little nervous, it would be good for me socially and financially - two things that could definitely do with some improving right now. If they liked me, I'll see them again early next week to talk in more detail.

This morning, I had an appointment with another agency and she's already put me forward for an interview with the client on Monday at lunchtime. The company is national and well known and would be good to work for.

I'd prefer the first one, for a variety of reasons, but the fact that things seem to have suddenly turned around for me on the job front in the last week or so, makes me feel a lot more reassured in a number of ways. Hopefully, this is the point where things have finally started to turn around for the better. It'd be nice.

As an aside, I just wanna know.....Where the hell did all these damn bugs and spiders suddenly appear from? OMG! My house has become inundated in the last week with crawling things and flying things of varying revolting descriptions. I even have an old shoe placed next to the door to squish spiders as they come in from the garden. That's how many there are! It's like all the characters from Antz and a Bugs Life have come to live with me - except they're not cute and they don't have American accents, as far as I can tell. Ok, so they don't live long enough to talk. I don't know what their accents are.

It's been unnaturally hot lately (hottest October day yesterday in something like a hundred years) and with the heat, the bugs have arrived. Time to start putting the airconditioner on. I'll freeze their little arses all the way back out to the garden if I have to.

Having a negative moment

I've had a hard year so far. Not really relating to T - everyone has ups and downs - but to do with other stuff that's being going on with me - health, work, money etc. How those things have affected me, I've been told, are part of why T wasn't feeling so positive about things recently.

My stuff, coupled with his stuff, put a strain on the relationship.I've realised that, as much as we were supportive of each other's issues and wanted to be there for each other while we sorted them out, we took our own issues out on each other. Recognising that woulda been half the battle towards not doing it anymore. That's part of my theory anyway. All of the things we were dealing with were situational. Eventually, all would have passed and our individual lives would have been much calmer. That's the way life works.

This afternoon, in this moment, I'm pissed off. I just wanted support. Yes, I got it, for the most part and I'm very grateful. But to place blame on that need for contributing to our splitting, is unfair. At least I know what my issues are, I own them, I take responsibility for my actions and am working on resolving what I can.

Some days, you never can tell...

My thoughts and observations from today. An evening rant.

I'm not sure why I got up at my regular time today, because I had an interview close to home first thing, so I could have slept in. Now that it's early evening, I could have done with that extra sleep.

The day started out well enough and I was looking forward to the interview. The advertisement looked really good. A true case of false advertisement. The location was in the suburbs, so I knew it wasn't going to be a corporate job, but I figured at least it'd be in a nice little office building, or at least an office suite. Honestly, I'm going to have to take a photo tomorrow to show what it really was. A run down, old house on a corner, with completely overgrown gardens. The whole place was generally unkempt and as I walked up the path, I remember feeling like I was going to meet some nasty storybook demise inside, kinda like Hansel and Gretel.....except I didn't think I was going to be eaten. Maybe just chopped up, or something. (reminds me of another story I must tell at some stage)

You know when you walk in a place and you meet someone and you instantly get that feeling that you wish you weren't there and that you're just not going to like them? I got that feeling. First with the woman who opened the door, next with the owner of the company - looking at him just made me uncomfortable, and Mr Nopersonality he brought into the interview with him.

No real formalities. Just jumped right in with the questions. Now, I was there for a job that involved software training. The first question was if I knew what a registry was, how to get into it, how to change it etc etc. Yeah, I know what it is. No, I don't like mucking with that stuff, coz I don't want to break my computer. Ok, what's an environmental condition? Um....you mean in the client's office? Oh, ok, we're talking serious technical stuff here again, riiiiiight... Silly me, I mentioned printer drivers. Did I know how to upgrade them? Yeah. Ok, there's a computer. Show us how. Um...no. Ok, we'll role play. I don't do role play (especially when I'm getting all the answers wrong already, coz I didn't realise I was applying for a freaking technical job, not a software job!). I'll answer your questions.

By that stage, I was ready to leave. Seriously, there were no niceties, no warmth, no incentive for me to like these people at all, let alone want to spend every day in the freak house with them. In fact, the boss/owner actually said the F word at least 4 times that I counted. It was all I could do to sit still, and I really should have just left at that point. But it got better. They wanted me to step them through how to do a freakin' mail merge on their computer, as if they'd never done one before. I wished I was Gretel and wondered where the closest cauldron was, so I could jump in.

At the end, they asked me if I had any questions. I had a couple, but they asked as if they really could care less and I bailed out of there. Not soon enough. I didn't even ask them about money. No money could make me spend 5 more minutes there, let alone 40 hours a week.

So, I left. Seriously pissed off.

I got home and realised I didn't have long before I had to leave again to go to a counselling session. My carport is down my driveway and behind my unit, so you can't see if anyone is home in my unit, or the other two behind me. I had a cup of tea and heard a car outside. Not so unusual in my street, so thought nothing of it. I walked out the door to go to counselling and looky there - it's a car parked right across my drive, blocking me in completely. Remember I was already pissed off? So, I got in my car and drove it up as close to that car as I could and leaned on the horn, got out and got ready to abuse the idiot.

From out of the house next door, comes a little old man, laughing about how he thought nobody was home. I should have said, "Little old man, can you not park in the driveway of the people with whom you're visiting? Can you not park anywhere along my lovely tree-lined street, that does not involve inconveniencing me? Do you realise parking where you did is illegal and if your car gets damaged, tough shit?" Instead, what did I say? Sorry. Then smacked myself for saying sorry when he should have been saying sorry to me. Why the hell did I instantly apologise? Little old men shouldn't be allowed to be dumbarses just coz they're little old men. I drove off muttering to myself, checked my rearvision and saw him parking right back in my driveway. I figured I wouldn't be saying sorry if he was there when I got back from counselling.

Counselling was helpful, but draining, so we'll leave it there. Next appt, two weeks. I'm not sure if it's still free, but they didn't ask me to pay, so I'm just gonna go along with that.

I drove home again, only to realise I had meant to go to the post office and pick up a parcel containing part of T's b'day present....that should have arrived 10 days ago. So I went there, picked that up, drove home again, and walked to the train station to get the train to the city for my second interview for the day.

What's worse than visibly pissed (that'd be drunk) men at night? Visibly pissed men on train platforms at lunch time, who can't walk and talk straight. About the only thing worse than that is women doing the same. Oh, and the teenage girl in school uniform I saw with a smoke hanging out of her mouth. Claaaassyy! Anyway... My train trip was uneventful, till I got off and Mr TooPissedtoWalk was being escorted off the train by 4 security people. I knew there was a reason I chose to sit in a different carriage.

I was looking forward to the second interview because the job description sounded interesting, although I wasn't in a good mood. I managed quite well to appear bright and chirpy. That surprised me. The last time I dealt with this particular woman from this agency, she was fairly condescending and dissinterested in me (and caused me to purchase and consume cheesecake on the way home). This time, she seemed more positive, so I'm more confident at going to the next step than I expected to be. If the client wants to see me, I'll have an appointment on Friday arvo.

I figured while I was in the city, I'd take my new referral to my specialist and get him to refer me to another doc more local to me, at the request of the counsellor. So I walked from the agency to the hospital. It was a longer walk than I realised. It was a lot longer than I realised. My poor feet - in comfy shoes - were yelling at me to stop, but I didn't. I got to my doctor's office and it was closed. So I walked back into the city again, with crowds gathering to find out what the noise was about. Oh, it's just my feet screaming in agony. Tram ride. More walking. Train ride. More walking. Got home, released my feet from their shoe prison and I'm considering wearing slippers to work tomorrow.

And that be my day. Tis time now to find some headache drugs and ingest some, before this almost-headache becomes an actual one (first one in ages!) and hope that there's something really mindless on tv that will keep me distracted for the rest of the night.

A thought

This is from a book I'm reading. I had included it in part of a post I wrote the other day, but later removed. Figured I'd put it up again, by itself.

Compassion is the lifeblood of [relationships] and failure of compassion is the 'heart disease' of a [couple's] emotional life. It actually would be less hurtful if your [partner] never cared about how you feel. But when you were falling in love, he cared a great deal, so now it feels like betrayal when he doesn't care or try to understand..... It may not seem so...but your [partner] probably still loves you. His emotional reactivity indicates that a strong bond still stirs the guilt and shame....

...It's not possible to feel loving or worthy of love at the same time that you feel resentful or angry - they are incompatible emotional states; you can feel one and then the other, but not at the same time.

...The tragedy...is that both of you feel inadequate and unlovable... the choice is entirely self destructive, for in the history of humankind, no one has ever felt more lovable by hurting someone he loves.

I'm trying to be compassionate.

Pieces of the puzzle

A number of things seem to have turned around for me, in a positive way, in the last two or three weeks. I've gone through some crazy mood swings, but on the whole my body feels better than it has in a while. I don't feel so tired - haven't had my drugs in a couple of weeks!! - and I'm feeling more normal....whatever normal is. For the most part, I'm sleeping better too, and that is more than I could have hoped for a few weeks ago.

But I do have to admit that one piece of the puzzle that's now missing makes me feel like I was almost there and now I don't know where there is anymore. It's T's birthday today, so I called him and we spoke for a bit over an hour. It was a difficult conversation, but I'm glad I called.

You don't say?

I had an extremely voilent dream last night. Strangely, most of my dreams are in colour, but in this particular one, only the blood was coloured. The rest of the dream was in black and white. I won't go into details, because it was unpleasant enough to think about the first time around. I don't remember being involved with the nastiness, and I didn't recognise any of the people in the dream. This is just one part of the interpretation from dreammoods.com.

To see others being beaten, suggests that some part of your life is out of balance.

No shit, Sherlock! Ya think? At any rate, I hope I don't have a dream like that again for a long time.

No-mans land

Apparently, I'm not 'young', but I'm not 'old' either. The problem is, there's no real classification for people my age who aren't married with or without kids, or are living with a partner of some sort. This makes it difficult, I'm discovering, to find free or low cost activities with other people in a similar position as me, that don't involve alcohol, loud music and late nights in shoes that make your feet hurt.

I could join a local community group...if I were Greek, or Italian, or of arab descent.

I could join a walking group...if I were 'mature aged' (read: 55 and over), or if I had a baby and a stroller - there are lots of those!

I could join any number of interesting activities...if I didn't have to work business hours, Monday to Friday.

I found a walk I could do next Sunday, and it looks good, but I'm thinking a lone blonde is going to look somewhat odd at a mostly indigenous event.

Did you know 'young' is 13 to 24? If 'middle aged' is around 55 or so, what am I?

I've found plenty of things I can do by myself, if I choose to, but having spent a decent amount of time searching local websites, I've yet to find anything directly related to socialising with single strangers my age. Specifically, to make single female friends. I have married female friends and they're cool, but you can't call up someone with a husband and 4 kids at the last minute to just go for coffee or something. Heaven forbid you actually want to go out out. That requires planning well in advance. Kind the reason why 5 of us get together for a holiday once a year on the same weekend...booked up to a year in advance.

I'm going nuts at the moment. I have so much spare time now that I'm not in constant contact with T. I'm feeling lonely, but more than that, I'm frustrated, because I shouldn't feel so lonely. I'm trying to stay positive, finding things to do for myself, by myself, and I'm filling time as much as I can.

I am not looking for sympathy. If anything, I'm pretty annoyed that a whole age group seems to be ignored when it comes to any form of organised event or social activity in the community.

Could be a good time to dust off the soap box and write a few letters. No wonder there are people who stay for months and months on the dating sites....it's the only way to freakin' meet people these days. And that is not an option I have any interest in at all.

/end rant.

Up and down

It's been a strange, hard couple of days.

On the job front, I cancelled two interviews, although I'll rebook one of those, got offered one job, turned it down, and have now got an interview for a really cool job (exciting, different, possible travel, and a challenge) that's very close to home, on Tuesday morning. It feels a bit like a lot is happening, but nothing is happening. Anyway, the guy for the Tuesday interview sounded nice on the phone and it appears he has the same bizarre sense of humour as me. I won't go into it, coz you all might not think the whole story is funny, but when I asked him to repeat his last name, he said he didn't know how to pronounce it. See? It's not as funny when it's typed.

Speaking about jobs, I spoke to my current boss this morning, as well as on Wednesday, about stuff I'm stressed about. It's nice when your boss says do some work for a bit, see how you are doing in an hour, and says you can go home not long afterwards. I was alright at that stage, but it was nice to come home and lie in the afternoon sun and just read and be calm.

I'm going through a bit of an anger/denial stage about the parting of company with T. In reality, last week I was holding out till this week, knowing he'd be done with everything and I'd have his attention back. I was looking forward to getting things back on track, organised his birthday (this weekend) and anniversary (next weekend) presents, and was on my way to being more relaxed.

He stuffed up on Saturday, knowing it would affect me big time, and I reacted big time. We both agree that I had a right to. But my reaction is the thing that really ended it. I'm annoyed, because I feel like he pushed me to do it, then said because I made the decision, it made him come to the same conclusion and that was that. Push me to do something I really don't want to do and then say well you did that, so I had no choice but to do the same? Aaarrgh! It's not fair. (that's an angry not fair, not a pouting not fair) The pressure is off him now that those work commitments are over and a huge weight has lifted from me too. I'm not sure he realised the actual strain I was under as well. I'm sure I sounded ungrateful.

I'm not feeling incredibly social at the moment and I'm irritable. I'm noticing the difficulty I'm having in not automatically texting or ringing T when I think of something. I had to take all his messages off my phone, because seeing them made the absence of all that feel even bigger. The compulsion to send a message is huge. I like talking to him. I enjoy his company. He can be funny, and he can be incredibly thoughtful when he thinks about it. I miss him texting me in the mornings and calling at night. Those things made my day. I miss him as a person and as a friend. I'm not sure how to deal with that yet.

I've been waiting to send his birthday present all week. Half of it hasn't arrived yet and I was hoping it would come today. It didn't, so I took the rest to the post office and sent it. Doing that made me realise I hadn't been doing my job all that well lately in letting him know he was appreciated and I feel bad.

I'm torn. Because the not so good things really were not good, although some of them I know we could have worked on. But the good things were things I wish I still had, because they felt more right than anything I've known.

Leaving the stranger I lived with was a good thing. I was sad, because I had been deceived and because a child was involved, but he was not a nice person. I knew leaving was a good thing.

Walking away from what I had with T doesn't feel right. All I can do now, I suppose, is have faith that what is right will come to me - to us - sooner, rather than later.

Half full?

I got a call this afternoon from a publishing company I interviewed at last week. The salary I wanted was considerably more than they were offering and I didn't expect them to get back to me. They offered me the job, but said they couldn't fit the salary I wanted into their budget. I had to turn it down. Just the fact that they called, and said they saw the value in my skills and experience, made me feel better. Perfect timing, really.

So...

It's officially over and was done as mutually and amicably as possible. I'm a little teary and tired (hey, it's midnight and I've been on the phone for 2 hours) , but I'm kinda at peace with it. Sort of.

We're ok. We think it's the right thing and we're going to try to remain friends, if that's possible. He's free to contact me whenever he wants.

Tomorrow might be another matter, but for now, I'm ok.

12.05 am. A new day starts...

Update: So I'm not doing as well as I thought I would. Really not well at all. I realised I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon. I was supposed to go to two interviews today, but I cancelled one and postponed the other. I rang someone just to talk to and was asked what I was going to do for the rest of the day. I said I'd probably watch Dr Phil and I had an accupuncture appointment. They said it was good I had something to look forward to today. I said yeah, I get to see that other peoples' lives are more depressing than mine and then I'll go and have needles stuck into my head.

Luggage

Back in the dark ages, when I still lived at home, I got a written reference from a boss as I left that job to move to Sydney. Part of it I'll always remember is that he said I was mature and wise for my age (was still a teenager) and that despite what was going on in my life, I never let my personal issues interfere with how well I did my job, or how I interacted with others.

I seem to have lost that ability somewhere along the way.

Learning what you want and what you deserve, as you get older, is one thing. Being able to hold onto it and make it last is altogether an entirely separate thing. Growing older and recognising the gap between the two, and having not been able to close that gap, really does suck.

I don't want the answers to everything. I just want peace and to be content.

Pfffftt....

Leo
Whilst not a high energy day, it is one where helping others will bring satisfaction. If you hold feelings and secrets within and do not share your time or feelings, you may get those who matter off-side, it's a feeling thing! So it would benefit you to be nice to others today if you want the same in return. There may be a price to pay about something connected to a family matter.

Thanks

Thanks everyone. I know I've been kinda vague about things. I appreciate the comments and emails.

It means a lot to me.

Today's lesson

It pays to check who you're emailing, before you hit send.

I'm hoping the Universe has good reason for allowing stupidity to happen, at times.

The Orchid

One day, a man was walking around in a flower shop. He saw an orchid on display and immediately wanted to take it home. It was fine and delicate. The Orchid said to the man, "You may take me home, but I am delicate and you must be careful with me, or I will not grow."

The man replied that he did not know how to look after an orchid, as he'd never had one before. He didn't realise that each flower requires different levels of care. The Orchid carefully explained its needs; what makes the petals bright, what makes the roots strong, and just what amount of nurturing would make it the best orchid the man had ever seen. He paid attention, but was a little overwhelmed. Placing the orchid in a prime position in his house, he tried hard to follow the instructions he was given and the Orchid bloomed.

But over time, he became nervous. What if I water too much? What if I water too little? How do I know if I'm doing enough? Again, the Orchid reminded the man how to feed and nurture it in just the right amounts. The Orchid told the man that all it would take was a little attention each day and that would be enough for it to grow into a flower the man would be proud of.

The man panicked. He did not want to make a mistake. He did not want to over-water. He did not want to under-water. So each day he simply sat and watched the orchid. At first, there was little change and the man did not notice, because he was tending to other things. But slowly, the colours of the petals started to fade and the leaves started to wilt.

"I wish I knew what to do", cried the man. "You do", said the Orchid, softly, "Remember the care you gave me when you first brought me home? You made me bloom and grow better than I was before."

"I want you to have beautiful petals and I want you to bloom", replied the man, "I do not want you to suffer." Yet all he could do was sit and watch as greens turned dull and the Orchid became sicker and sicker.

And eventually, he watched the Orchid die.