Up and down

It's been a strange, hard couple of days.

On the job front, I cancelled two interviews, although I'll rebook one of those, got offered one job, turned it down, and have now got an interview for a really cool job (exciting, different, possible travel, and a challenge) that's very close to home, on Tuesday morning. It feels a bit like a lot is happening, but nothing is happening. Anyway, the guy for the Tuesday interview sounded nice on the phone and it appears he has the same bizarre sense of humour as me. I won't go into it, coz you all might not think the whole story is funny, but when I asked him to repeat his last name, he said he didn't know how to pronounce it. See? It's not as funny when it's typed.

Speaking about jobs, I spoke to my current boss this morning, as well as on Wednesday, about stuff I'm stressed about. It's nice when your boss says do some work for a bit, see how you are doing in an hour, and says you can go home not long afterwards. I was alright at that stage, but it was nice to come home and lie in the afternoon sun and just read and be calm.

I'm going through a bit of an anger/denial stage about the parting of company with T. In reality, last week I was holding out till this week, knowing he'd be done with everything and I'd have his attention back. I was looking forward to getting things back on track, organised his birthday (this weekend) and anniversary (next weekend) presents, and was on my way to being more relaxed.

He stuffed up on Saturday, knowing it would affect me big time, and I reacted big time. We both agree that I had a right to. But my reaction is the thing that really ended it. I'm annoyed, because I feel like he pushed me to do it, then said because I made the decision, it made him come to the same conclusion and that was that. Push me to do something I really don't want to do and then say well you did that, so I had no choice but to do the same? Aaarrgh! It's not fair. (that's an angry not fair, not a pouting not fair) The pressure is off him now that those work commitments are over and a huge weight has lifted from me too. I'm not sure he realised the actual strain I was under as well. I'm sure I sounded ungrateful.

I'm not feeling incredibly social at the moment and I'm irritable. I'm noticing the difficulty I'm having in not automatically texting or ringing T when I think of something. I had to take all his messages off my phone, because seeing them made the absence of all that feel even bigger. The compulsion to send a message is huge. I like talking to him. I enjoy his company. He can be funny, and he can be incredibly thoughtful when he thinks about it. I miss him texting me in the mornings and calling at night. Those things made my day. I miss him as a person and as a friend. I'm not sure how to deal with that yet.

I've been waiting to send his birthday present all week. Half of it hasn't arrived yet and I was hoping it would come today. It didn't, so I took the rest to the post office and sent it. Doing that made me realise I hadn't been doing my job all that well lately in letting him know he was appreciated and I feel bad.

I'm torn. Because the not so good things really were not good, although some of them I know we could have worked on. But the good things were things I wish I still had, because they felt more right than anything I've known.

Leaving the stranger I lived with was a good thing. I was sad, because I had been deceived and because a child was involved, but he was not a nice person. I knew leaving was a good thing.

Walking away from what I had with T doesn't feel right. All I can do now, I suppose, is have faith that what is right will come to me - to us - sooner, rather than later.