Time keeps running away
"They say timing... is everything
But nothing you control
'Cause there's always tomorrow
But tomorrow never knows..."
(Anastacia, 'Time')
There's a cool breeze coming through from my courtyard. It's been pretty hot today, but a change is coming through and I'm sure the noise my Chinese chimes are making outside is going to start annoying the neighbours soon. To me, it's always been a peaceful noise.
Funny how things work out. At about the same time this year as last year, I've met someone who's had an unexpected impact on me. One was 40 minutes away. The other is 4,000kms away.
A lot of contemplation and reflection has been had by me in the last few weeks. How did something that appeared so right go so haywire and become something so wrong? How could something that appeared to be nothing turn into a potential 'something'?
It was with sadness and relief that I moved out from C. I felt like I'd failed and it was hard to admit that things didn't work out. I know it wasn't my fault. I know he did things and became a person I would never have imagined and that those are the things that should make him toss and turn at night, not me. I know that now. At the time, it was just embarassing to have failed - again. More embarrassing that it happened so soon. More embarrassing because it started out looking like it was going to be something spectacular - and because I'd never considered it would have an end date.
But it did and I moved out and was glad to have my independence back....glad to have my self back. When I signed up on match, it was for two reasons primarily. The first was pretty simple - an ego boost. I expected a couple of people to email me, but I really didn't think anyone would be interested in me. That's how down on myself the last 6 months had made me. I also wanted to get a social life again and I made it clear on my profile that I was looking, for the most part, for people to just be social with - go for coffee, movies, bowling, whatever. I didn't really care as long as I was getting out of the house.
T emailed me, despite my insistance that I wasn't going to correspond with anyone who wasn't local. I thought for a long time before I responded to his first email, then I was pretty evasive for the next week or so after that. "Too busy." "Can't chat now." "Will write more later..." Poor guy didn't get a real conversation out of me for a while, but I give him kudos for perserverence....
I knew I liked who he was and thought he was a nice, genuine guy who I could be friends with. But I didn't want to like him more than as friends. I thought it was too soon to like someone else. I thought I wasn't ready to like someone else. I thought everyone else would say it was too soon and I shouldn't like someone else. I thought everyone would tell me I needed time on my own. I thought I was too damaged and the walls I'd built were too high. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it if I let someone get close and it all went pear shaped. And a few weeks ago, that was still the case, so that last one was a real concern.
I'm not sure how or why, but when I eventually admitted to myself that the poor guy was easy to talk to and I wanted to talk to him more, I didn't even think of those worries anymore.....well, not as often.
And a few weeks have passed, he's been to visit, and we got on better than either of us expected to. To be honest, prior to him coming here, I don't think either of us wanted to like the other in the way that we were starting to. We had the same fears, but they originated from different places.
Since then, we've had the most honest conversations I think I've had in a long time. There's something almost liberating in being completely honest with yourself and with someone else. It eliminates a bunch of fears and questions and anxieties, because you no longer have the worry because you know. And knowing - upfront - saves time and energy, whatever that knowing may bring. If it's good, you move a step forward. If it's not so good, you bow out graciously and start your recovery...no fears from maybes or what if's. You're able to accept the situation and act accordingly.
I'm learning that acting on a situation is a whole lot easier than worrying about it, because in worrying about it, you do twice the work - you worry, then you have to act anyway, whatever the outcome.
And that brings me back to time. When is enough time to start something after the last one has ended? When is enough time to allow yourself to open up and be vulnerable? When's the right time to say what you feel? Show what you feel? When is it the right time to start defining things with statuses? When do you know "this is what I want"? When do you know you're going to be safe to simply be you?
When do you realise it doesn't have to be so damn complicated all the time?
T and I have had talks about timing - where we've come from and where we're at now. In some respects we've moved forward quickly. In others, not so quick. But it doesn't really matter, because it feels like it's the way it's meant to be. Distance is playing a factor, and it will continue to be a factor, but time won't. Because we're happy with the choices we're making now. The rest doesn't matter, because now is all there is.
Timing shouldn't be a thought process. It should just be what it is. It's hard not to quantify and put limits and restrictions on ourselves with regard to how we think we should think/feel/act/be. We should just be. And we should be ok with that. Because...
"They say timing... is everything
But nothing you control
'Cause there's always tomorrow
But tomorrow never knows..."
But nothing you control
'Cause there's always tomorrow
But tomorrow never knows..."
(Anastacia, 'Time')
There's a cool breeze coming through from my courtyard. It's been pretty hot today, but a change is coming through and I'm sure the noise my Chinese chimes are making outside is going to start annoying the neighbours soon. To me, it's always been a peaceful noise.
Funny how things work out. At about the same time this year as last year, I've met someone who's had an unexpected impact on me. One was 40 minutes away. The other is 4,000kms away.
A lot of contemplation and reflection has been had by me in the last few weeks. How did something that appeared so right go so haywire and become something so wrong? How could something that appeared to be nothing turn into a potential 'something'?
It was with sadness and relief that I moved out from C. I felt like I'd failed and it was hard to admit that things didn't work out. I know it wasn't my fault. I know he did things and became a person I would never have imagined and that those are the things that should make him toss and turn at night, not me. I know that now. At the time, it was just embarassing to have failed - again. More embarrassing that it happened so soon. More embarrassing because it started out looking like it was going to be something spectacular - and because I'd never considered it would have an end date.
But it did and I moved out and was glad to have my independence back....glad to have my self back. When I signed up on match, it was for two reasons primarily. The first was pretty simple - an ego boost. I expected a couple of people to email me, but I really didn't think anyone would be interested in me. That's how down on myself the last 6 months had made me. I also wanted to get a social life again and I made it clear on my profile that I was looking, for the most part, for people to just be social with - go for coffee, movies, bowling, whatever. I didn't really care as long as I was getting out of the house.
T emailed me, despite my insistance that I wasn't going to correspond with anyone who wasn't local. I thought for a long time before I responded to his first email, then I was pretty evasive for the next week or so after that. "Too busy." "Can't chat now." "Will write more later..." Poor guy didn't get a real conversation out of me for a while, but I give him kudos for perserverence....
I knew I liked who he was and thought he was a nice, genuine guy who I could be friends with. But I didn't want to like him more than as friends. I thought it was too soon to like someone else. I thought I wasn't ready to like someone else. I thought everyone else would say it was too soon and I shouldn't like someone else. I thought everyone would tell me I needed time on my own. I thought I was too damaged and the walls I'd built were too high. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it if I let someone get close and it all went pear shaped. And a few weeks ago, that was still the case, so that last one was a real concern.
I'm not sure how or why, but when I eventually admitted to myself that the poor guy was easy to talk to and I wanted to talk to him more, I didn't even think of those worries anymore.....well, not as often.
And a few weeks have passed, he's been to visit, and we got on better than either of us expected to. To be honest, prior to him coming here, I don't think either of us wanted to like the other in the way that we were starting to. We had the same fears, but they originated from different places.
Since then, we've had the most honest conversations I think I've had in a long time. There's something almost liberating in being completely honest with yourself and with someone else. It eliminates a bunch of fears and questions and anxieties, because you no longer have the worry because you know. And knowing - upfront - saves time and energy, whatever that knowing may bring. If it's good, you move a step forward. If it's not so good, you bow out graciously and start your recovery...no fears from maybes or what if's. You're able to accept the situation and act accordingly.
I'm learning that acting on a situation is a whole lot easier than worrying about it, because in worrying about it, you do twice the work - you worry, then you have to act anyway, whatever the outcome.
And that brings me back to time. When is enough time to start something after the last one has ended? When is enough time to allow yourself to open up and be vulnerable? When's the right time to say what you feel? Show what you feel? When is it the right time to start defining things with statuses? When do you know "this is what I want"? When do you know you're going to be safe to simply be you?
When do you realise it doesn't have to be so damn complicated all the time?
T and I have had talks about timing - where we've come from and where we're at now. In some respects we've moved forward quickly. In others, not so quick. But it doesn't really matter, because it feels like it's the way it's meant to be. Distance is playing a factor, and it will continue to be a factor, but time won't. Because we're happy with the choices we're making now. The rest doesn't matter, because now is all there is.
Timing shouldn't be a thought process. It should just be what it is. It's hard not to quantify and put limits and restrictions on ourselves with regard to how we think we should think/feel/act/be. We should just be. And we should be ok with that. Because...
"They say timing... is everything
But nothing you control
'Cause there's always tomorrow
But tomorrow never knows..."
posted by E in Oz at 7:45 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 7:45 pm
4 Comments:
Glad to read that you have worked it all out kalliope and that 'time' isnt an issue for you with regard to matters of your heart.Infact I`m a firm believer if it`s right then to hell with 'time'. As for the distance issue...well I hope it doesn`t catch up with you both.
Look on the bright side. You can email and even converse in real time on this medium at minimal cost... Good luck with it.It`s great to read that things are working out for you finally :-]
Take care.
You have some good questions - I honestly don't know when the right "time" is. I physically separated from my ex one month after telling him I was leaving him, and flew up into Canada to meet my now-fiance. In my mind though, the relationship with my ex was over years before I actually verbally said so; it was just a matter of timing, I suppose.
You are absolutely right though:
>>The rest doesn't matter, because now is all there is.<<
Now IS all there is. I learned very quickly that you can hold back and hold in everything you have to give another person, out of fear or anxiety or whatever else, but that doesn't help a relationship nor does it help you to be happy. Hell we're only around once, why can't we live and love with everything we have inside us? That was my personal question and I decided to do just that; didn't care what anyone else thought about my decision.
I've never been happier. :)
I'm so glad you guys read and comment to me.
Thanks. :-)
This was a great post. Coming from someone who is very introspective, I have to tell you that I think this sort of deep thinking is very very good.
I particularly loved this:
I'm learning that acting on a situation is a whole lot easier than worrying about it, because in worrying about it, you do twice the work - you worry, then you have to act anyway, whatever the outcome.
Can you teach me to do that? Pleaassssssseeeeeeee?
xoxoxo
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