A glimmer? (updated)

I was out with some friends to see a matinée of Miss Saigon today (awesome, intense, emotional, funny, sad, definitely recommend!) and afterwards we were discussing my niece's situation.

My mum is with my niece right now. She's on her way to England to see some relatives. I have to confirm it, but we think L and her daughters may be able to travel in Europe without visas and passports. Anyone know if this is correct? If it is, they can at least get out of the situation and go from there. It won't solve the problem, but it would get her out of immediate physical danger and would ensure the in laws can't keep her kids from her.

We also think she may be able to apply for Australian passports (or citizenship, or anything of that nature) for the girls without T's signature. I have to make some phone calls.

This is just so surreal.

Thanks for the comments and thoughts. I appreciate it.

I spoke to L and my mum last night. L says mum is being great. My interpretation was that mum has her hands over her eyes and ears and is going, "lalalalalalaa". Being supportive is one thing. Doing something to help resolve the situation is another. Mum's probably not the best person to do that, but at least she's there for another 10 days. It's something.

As much as I tried to be positive, I didn't like what they told me. Apparently, all of L's inlaws have suddenly had a change of heart and her MIL apologised to her for the way they've been treating her and has withdrawn the threat to take the car and financial support away. This is good, but I can't help wondering why the overnight change?

The question wasn't asked, but it was implied that the family were worried about her taking the children away and that's why they were being so nasty. Backward logic, to me. She told them she didn't want to take the kids away. I told her that it doesn't matter what you *want*. When your physical security, and that of your kids is at risk, you do what you have to do. She understood what I meant.

The kids all have papers to allow them to travel through Europe. I told mum to make sure L gets their birth certificates from the council before she goes to England. I said I don't care if the family is being nice and the situation has calmed down, she needs to be fully prepared for it to get worse again. I told her to document everything and get all the paperwork from the doctors that they can about her injuries (mum says L's face is still bruised) and her husband's mental illness. Thankfully, I convinced both of them to do the things I said.

The girls all go to an expensive private school. The police advised the nuns of the situation and the nuns have said L doesn't have to pay the new school fees in September. When the lawyer found this out, he said that if the nuns were doing that, he couldn't, in good conscience, ask her to pay his ridiculous fees either. The other good news is that L was offered a job, to start Monday. It's the first job she's had in 8 years and it will be good for her self esteem. The police have also advised her bosses of the situation.

One thing I wanted to smack my mum over was that she seemed to think it was a good thing that one of the police was interested in L. I said that was not a good thing and she did not need any more complications right now. Mum kinda backpedaled after that, but still... Geez!

I'm so torn. The police can't issue an AVO or an RO unless the situation gets worse. Stupid. T is staying at his brother's house till L moves out in May. There's nothing stopping him going home any time. Mum said L has locks on the doors and that would give her a chance to make a phone call. Big whoop-dee-doo! I should point out that L lives in the same house as the in laws and the grandmother. They all have separate living areas. This has not stopped T before. Locks on the doors won't stop someone who wants to get in bad enough.

I'm glad L has a new job and she's excited. I'm glad her MIL has had a change of heart. I'm glad the police have explained the situation to all the relevant people. I worry that this is just another calm before the storm. L will do all the things I've asked, regarding getting information and paperwork together. I'll do what I can about getting money.

A couple of friends from my online social group have offered to give me some things they don't use, to sell and get some money together. These are people I only just met in November. I'm so glad I know the people I know.

I don't understand why mum is encouraging L to stay. Actually, I do. She stayed and look what happened to us. I do not want the same for my niece and damned if I'm going to let that happen to her daughters. Uprooting their lives while they're still quite young is better than waiting. They'll adjust. Mum said bringing them back here might cause big trouble and there could be extradition issues (pleeeease!!). I said it's better than waking up in hospital or ending up dead.

No title

At 3am this morning, I knew exactly what I wanted to say. Now, I don't know where to start.

I mentioned not long ago that my niece in Italy was going through a hard time. In point form...

• her husband has a diagnosed mental health issue that his family choose to ignore
• he's violent towards my niece and their 4 daughters to the point of putting her in hospital twice now
• he's threatened to kill himself if she leaves
• his family say my niece should put up with it, because he's her husband
• he's threatened to kill her if she wants to leave
• she can't bring her daughters back here, because they're Italian and she needs his ok to let them leave the country
• she needs somewhere to stay - now
• her inlaws have taken away her car and all financial support
• she's been offered a place to stay, but that won't be till later in May
• the AU consulate has put her in touch with a lawyer, but she has to pay.
  

Rental properties in Italy don't come with all the required conveniences. You even have to buy your own oven etc. She has no resources to do this. My mum is over there now and apparently behaving really well and being as supportive as L needs her to be. While she was with L, L's husband was on his best behaviour. Mum went to another part of Italy for a few days and T put L in hospital the next day. Mum is back for a few days, but she's going to England to see some relatives. When that happens, L's on her own.

She needs $3K euro just to get out of where she is and to pay a lawyer. She has an AU bank account that her husband and inlaws don't have access to. My sister - the crazy one; her mother - does. I told L I would personally go and break all my sister's fingers if she touches one cent I put in that account to help L. L said she'd come here herself and do it.

But I don't have anywhere near $3K euro to give her. I can sell some things, but I don't think I have enough 'things' to sell.

I guess I'm after ideas. This just sucks beyond words. I can't think straight.

Relax

Driving to work today (at the butt crack of dawn, before the sun came up), from the anti-me's house, I realised what I like about the situation.

There's no pressure. He doesn't hassle me. He accepts what I say, think and do. He doesn't stress if I don't contact him every single day (except once, but that was because of the way I was behaving). I don't feel obliged to keep in touch and he doesn't either. We just do, because we want to.

Two other guys I've met recently have come across as needy and a little insecure. Both have said they don't want or are not ready for relationships. I said good, nor am I. Both are making it difficult for me to breathe. They could be great people. They're making it difficult for me to want to get to know them....as friends.

I don't understand it. I was always under the impression that women were more inclined to be that way than men. T was a little that way. He didn't believe I didn't need a huge amount of contact every day. I would have settled for great contact every second or third day than (what ended up being) very mediocre contact each day.

Maybe women start out being that way and grow into themselves and become more secure and men become less secure as they get older. It's seeming that way.

I think I should stop referring to J as the anti-me. He's appearing more like me - in some ways - than I thought he'd be.

Sometimes small is big

I got an unusual request today. Someone from one of our business units called and said she'd sent a guy on a job across the country and he'd been in a car accident and died. His cell phone is still interstate and his wife and children have been ringing it daily to listen to his voice mail message.

I was asked to find out how they could get a copy of the message off the phone to have for his kids and (unborn) baby. This is one of those 'can't be done' things.

I made some phone calls and sent some emails to one of my contacts at our biggest national telco provider - that has a reputation of not giving a damn (and with whom I'm having battles issues with over service provision and pricing - big dollars!).

Within a couple of hours, I had confirmation that they'd make cds of the message - as many as the family wanted - and send them for no charge.

That's big. And it made my day. A little bit of good in what's been a really tough week.

First

Dear E
Testing the email.
How are you?
love you heaps
Dad

My dad skipped out on teaching his own art class to send me an email. Very cool. He's moved into this century!

My dad rocks.

Covering tracks

Just a precaution for now. I really dislike editing myself and hiding posts.

I decided to un-hide my posts and took other precautionary measures instead. I'm not going to hide my truth.

The more I know about boys...

....the less sense they make.

Who knew when boys said they're not interested that they could change their mind overnight. Daaaaamn! I thought just women did that. Newly dubbed 'car guy' not only went out of his way to find my work email address, but he's already asking when we can catch up again. (I have to say here, he has a friend who works for my company, so it was pretty easy to figure out my email....even if I did find it a little...uncomfortable.) Aaaanyway, working on sorting that out as we speak...um, type.

The anti-me threw me for a loop last night. Said he gets excited when he sees me and would see me more if we lived closer. Apparently, I spoil him. I'm not sure what that means. Whatever it does, it's nice to have someone say they look forward to seeing you so much.

He also asked if I had a single friend. Didn't know where that line of questioning was going, for a moment! He said it was so I could go out with him and his brother and not feel like the third wheel. Ok, so the only time I've socialised with both of them is the first night I met them. I haven't even seen his brother since then. They usually go out alone. Him suggesting we go out as a group has made me confused. Yet again. Just when I think I have got things straight in my head, he says something else that makes me go, "Huh?" and start processing all over again.

There are things that I can't explain. Whether we're just watching a movie, or out doing grocery shopping (somehow, that's become a weird, fun activity - go figure), we have lots of fun. I don't think anyone else has made me laugh so much, so often, recently. He doesn't take life seriously. I take it too seriously. I'm learning to chill out. For that, I'm grateful.

This past weekend has proven to me what I already knew. I want to be able to do my own thing. I don't want restrictions. I don't want complications. I don't want expectations. I don't trust enough.

Having said that, if I had ever considered the anti-me as relationship potential, I would trust him. He's politically incorrect. He does lots of things I don't agree with. But he's honest. And ya don't find that in too many people these days. There've been times I've questioned things he's said. Somehow it always turns out my worries are unfounded.

I should give him more credit than I do. But if I did that, I'd have to let my guard down. I'm not ready for that. Not with anyone.

This is weighing on me lately. I don't want anything, with anyone. But I want something . I don't know what that is.

Boys and toys

About a week or so ago, a boy contacted me on a dating site that I don't really check all that often. He left me a kind of "just passing through, liked your profile, good luck" message and that was supposed to be that. I thanked him and told him I wasn't interested in anything. He said good, because he wasn't either. He didn't want to get to know me due to the fact that my hair is blonde. Honestly, it's common. I've seen guys specify on their profile that they won't talk to blondes at all. Narrow minded, but whatever.

Since that first exchange, we've been emailing via that site daily. We talk about mundane, every day stuff. There's something really good about having been upfront from the beginning about not being interested. It takes all the pressure off. Last night, we chatted on the phone. 167 minutes. 45 seconds. Holy cow!

He jokingly asked me to go car shopping with him today. I said it sounded like fun. I went to his house, then we drove to a dealership he wanted to go to. They didn't have the car he wanted, but we test drove another one just because we could. He tried to do a deal with the sales guy, but the dude was a jerk and really couldn't be bothered making a sale, so we left.

We were close by a nice, scenic drive, so we decided we'd drive up the mountain for lunch. (Ian, where Peter Pansy was conceived). It was super cold, VERY rainy and cloudy, but the food was good. (We didn't really consider the strangeness of our first meeting being car shopping till later on.) After lunch, we drove to a few more dealerships. One didn't have the car we wanted to test drive and the rest didn't have sales guys who wanted to sell. We left without a new car (by the end of the day it was "our" car) and resolving to go back in a couple of weeks and let me do the negotiating.

We attempted a little role playing. He went to one place yesterday and tested a serious turbo charged sports car, but changed his mind to something more 'classic' over night. We thought we'd pretend he was taking me back to look at something else because he wasn't allowed to buy the sports car. We didn't have to say anything. The guy at the counter looked at us and asked him if he was in yesterday. T (yes, another T! I told you, everyone is called the same few names!) replied that he was. At that point, the guy looked at me, back at T, and said, "Ok, so I guess you've changed your mind about the [sports car]". Ha!

When we got back to T's place, I was ready to go home, but we started talking about his dvd collection. Somehow, we ended up putting on the second of the LOTR movies. During that, he made - from scratch! - little meat and vegetable pies for us. They were good!

Just after the movie finished, his friend P turned up. He met her on the same dating site and they were going out tonight. There was a bit of excitement when she first got to his house. She's like me about spiders and there was one on the inside of the driver's door of her car when she drove up. T had to go out and kill it. I stayed on the balcony to watch. There was no way in heck I was going near it!

He made her coffee and washed her car where he squashed the spider and I bid them both goodnight. After I put the strangeness out of my head, it was good to know that I can make nice, sane friends - and meet their other, sane friends - from a dating site - and not have any expectations of anything else.

I'm going parasailing in the morning (weather permitting). I invited him along, but he may not go, because P will probably stay over his place. (He's very much a "There's the spare room" guy, in case you were wondering.) I'm invited back around for lunch, though, and I said I would. He's been promising to cook a roast all week.

Bizarro coincidence....he and I both have the same street address. We're both unit 1, #15. I should buy a lotto ticket, or something.

Meanwhile, the lovely anti-me sent me a message while we were at lunch, saying he was thinking about me when he was out at 4am this morning and was going to come and pick me up. I told him it was a good thing he didn't and asked if I should expect a call tonight instead. It's a bit of a semi-joke. One of his mates calls his gf early in the mornings to go and pick them up when they've been out....and she does. I told him if he did that with me, I'd gladly ring them a cab, but buggered if I'm going to get out of bed to drive him and his mates home from a club.

He wants to catch up for dinner tomorrow night. I said I'd do that. He suggested coming here, because he hasn't been here for ages. That would mean I'd have to clean my house and it's not likely it'll be 'visitor clean' between now and then. We'll see.

Apparently, he could tell, on Friday, that was still in a grumpy mood. He rang me after I sent him a text, which he doesn't normally do. Said it was because he knew I was still not my usual peachy self. He confuses me with his thoughtfulness. He had a female friend stay a couple of nights last week, because she was in some kind of difficulty. He talked a bit about that, although didn't explain what her issues were - just that there were many. Eh, from the sounds of it, he's not going to help her out by letting her stay again, because when she left, she didn't take all her stuff and just assumed she could leave it there. It's more than that, but anyway, that's a circumstance I don't want to get involved in. I have to believe him when he said she stayed in the spare room. I don't have reason to doubt it and I didn't question it. Do I have a right to? I guess so, but I also agreed to the 'no complications' terms. I'm not that emotionally invested.

As far as how I feel about this friend staying over, I can say I don't feel how I expected I would feel. And that's interesting. The walls I've built have become glaringly obvious. For now, I'm ok with that. I'll take 'em down when I'm ready, and for the right person.

I am tired. I'm so glad I get to turn the clock back and get an extra hour sleep tonight.

Cheating

So, Dr Ruth says that hypnotherapy is just me wanting a quick fix and that it's not that simple. I gave her good reasons. At least, I thought I did. She laughed and said I can't get a quick solution to everything with hypnotherapy. I replied that, no, they should make a pill for it, instead. hehe

Speaking of pills, she thinks I might need some. There's a whole chicken/egg thing going on, she thinks, with my narcolepsy and depression. What came first? What is it? Is it both? Is it one? Hard to say. Whatever it is, I have to trial the vitamins I'm currently taking altogether, separately. Two weeks with just one, then two weeks with just the other and see if either of them really do make any difference to my mood/energy levels etc. After that, she'll look at prescribing one of those drugs. Great.

The next thing she said kind blew me away. Based on the things I've told her about how I feel, what motivates me, what doesn't, what I think, how I react to things, in the last few months, she's given me a questionnaire to complete. General Adult ADD Symptom Checklist.

ADD? WTF?

She's given me homework. I have to fill out the questionnaire, but I also have to write out a list of everything I have to do and take it to her next time I see her, with everything (or whatever I bring myself to do) crossed off. She wants to see what I'm doing, compared to what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that probably doesn't completely make sense, because I haven't explained in full, but that's my task. Blah! Just the thought of having to do that is stressful.

Please, someone, remind me before 19 April! LOL

Sigh....possibly depression and ADD....and a requirement for drugs. Just great! Who'd have ever thunk that?!

Oh, apparently long term depression kills brain cells. May as well start drinkin'. :-/

My poor eyes!

Either I'm getting very, very old, or there's something terribly wrong with the world. I swear I just saw someone wearing a dress jacket with a hood. The JACKET HAD A HOOD! WTF?????!!!

When did someone decide that would be a good look? I think I'm scarred for life now.

Serious horse power!

F1 racing is awesome. It would be an amazing experience to drive an F1 race car. That's not likely to happen for me, so I just watch and live vicariously through the drivers on the tv screen.

Ferrari won the first race of the season, here in Melbourne, a few minutes ago. My day is complete.

Oh, and my (AFL) team won the pre-season grand final last night. They've won the most premierships of all the clubs, but haven't been even close to winning the season proper in recent times. They better do well this year, or I might have to jump ship.

Remorse

I was angry with myself today. For a number of reasons, and for no reason. In fact, I was teary for the first time in a while. I thought I'd send the anti-me a text, coz I hadn't heard from him since Wednesday. His reply was quick and it was nice, but for some reason, it made me more annoyed. I was short with him when he suggested we catch up. He offered to take me to dinner next week. Again, I responded with a pretty unfeeling tone. I was smart enough to apologise at the time and let him know I wasn't in the best frame of mind. The guy was so understanding. He just doesn't stress out and almost becomes more patient when I'm like that (only happened twice so far now).

Three hours later, I sent him a message to apologise for taking my bad mood out on him. It was nothing really to do with him, but I made it about him. I've learned to admit my mistakes. I appreciate that he didn't react back to me in the same tone. It's easy to like that quality in a person. In some ways, this is the easiest non-relationship I've ever had. In some ways, it's hard. Perhaps because it is a non-relationship.

I went out into my backyard and read my book in the sun for a couple of hours. It's amazing how sunlight and warmth makes you feel so much better.

It's just life

As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away, he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman he kept at a distance, so that when she was gone, he would not miss her? Only then does he realize how wanting part of her, and not all of her, had hurt them both, and how he cannot justify his actions, except that, well, it was life.

From the movie, Shopgirl.

Us

There are a lot of things running through my head lately. One of those things is the music I had/listened to years ago. For various reasons, I don't have a lot of it anymore.

There are albums I want, but can't find. Granted, I haven't had a huge look, but I'd like some help!

For now, I want Peter Gabriel's album from 1992, called "Us".

Anyone find it? To download, or buy on cd. Either is fine.

I might add to this wish list as I think of things.

Eh, wish me luck

The ex-military guy is starting tomorrow. I made it very clear to the agency that it's an admin role, with a tech bent, and not a technical role. They said he's ok with that. We'll see.

Oh, and.....his name is Travis.

The guys had a look at my job queue today and finally realised why I want someone who can hit the ground running. I hope this guy can, otherwise I'm not inviting him with us to the pub for lunch tomorrow. Ha!

Nothin' but a dreamer

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Dirty work

"It's not working out with Maria." That was a hard thing to say. I've spent the last week and a half explaining and re-explaining procedures and teaching her how to use our computer programs. There have been times I've needed so badly to just get things done, that I've had her just sit at my desk and watch my while I take calls, answer emails and produce orders all at once.

I'm tired. I'm more stressed out than before, because now I worry about the mistakes she might be making that I won't find out about till it has to be fixed. I'm very much a do it perfect the first time person; at least at work anyway.

She's not picking up theories and procedures, or working as fast as I need/expected. She doesn't understand the difference between certain products, even though I've physically shown her the difference. This is something that's imperative she know, or things will go haywire.

Maria is a nice lady. She's just not right for us. It makes me feel awful and underhanded that I've had to ask to have someone else do the job.

To make matters more interesting, I've asked for a guy to do the job. The guys I work with have given me a hard time about this. Sure, a girl could do the job, but there aren't many girls who are genuinely comfortable working in a high pressure IT role (in this case it would be heavy responsibility/no authority) and who can deal with the various personalities of the guys, including occasional angry outbursts and colourful language.

I've been told by the guys who interviewed me that I got the job over the other candidate, because of my skills, but also because I would fit in with the boys better. I'm not one of the girly girls in the office. That's part of the reason they barely speak to me, but that's a whole other post and doesn't really bother me a great deal.

Maria's a little Italian lady with grown kids. It's like working with someone's mum. It's hard to tell someone's mum - that you don't know all that well - what to do....or to do it again, if she's done it wrong the first time. I like her. She could be the mother of one of my friends. I just can't have her working for me. Besides that, she told me she's not interested in full time or permanent work. Why train someone who may not want to, or be able to, stay on, if necessary?

I need someone young, who is au fait with computer terms, phone technology, data technology, knows their way around a computer, and doesn't mind dealing with guy banter all day. Finding a girl to do that will be difficult. That's why I want a boy working for me.

I want someone who I can hand over the basics to in a few days, not a couple of weeks.

This really is not a good feeling....and I'm torn about what to say to her. I feel like I should say something.

Smoking

I am in a bad mood. A baaad mood. Today has been annoying, unproductive, stressful and I feel like everyone I've had to deal with has had their brain removed.

I've come to the realisation that I cannot function properly when I'm so annoyed. Eh, well I probably already knew that. But I'm looking at a pile of paperwork on my desk that has grown throughout the day, although I'm sure I've barely even touched it, so I don't quite know how that's happened.

I am grumpy and want to go home!

Split personality

I didn't think I'd hear from him this weekend, but we had a very domesticated two days. Strange.

There's a local yearly festival in the city. It's a bit dorky and really for families and kids, but he suggested we go check it out. He got the train and I drove into the city and met him there. After walking up and down the river and not finding anything that interested us, except we were hoping the water skiers would have a spectacular crash or two (it was mostly rides that were too lame or too scary/expensive to go on), we walked into the city to find food. Didn't find anything there, so we ended up going to a bistro near his place. Next, it was off to the video store to hire some dvds, then home to watch Superman Returns (Zzzzzzzzzz!) on the new projector he bought last week.

I have to buy a fridge, so this morning we went out to a few white goods stores to look for fridges. After that, we did his grocery shopping, bought lunch, went back to his place. Just after lunch, I said I should go home and get some things done around the house. I know I could have just got my bags and left, but he stalled for over three hours, making me drinks, food, watching tv, playing with the dogs...I felt like he really didn't want me to go, even though he has his own things going on tonight.

He mentioned his ex called the other day to let him know she has a boyfriend now. That wasn't what the conversation was for, but he was glad she let him know. Apparently, she doesn't have many friends (valid reasons that he explained) and she's still been hanging out with some members of his family. He's ok with that, but is glad she's now got another focus. There's no animosity there. I'd never really known why they actually broke up, so I asked. He said they were just different and were going down two completely different paths in life. "A bit like me and you", I noted. He agreed. It sorta makes sense to me now why/how he's comfortable with what we're doing. It's what he was doing before, except with the full relationship status.

He acknowledges it's like there's two of him. What he says he wants and how he behaves (generally) are very different. He knows I don't want anything serious because of his lifestyle. He says he doesn't want anything serious. Sometimes, it seems like he does. Having said that, I'm paying more attention to what he says than what he's doing. They say actions speak louder, but in this case, I believe what he says and I'm taking the actions to be simply liking each other's company.

I just found...

my new favourite band...or at least, song.

Gotye. Aaaand, they're from right here in Victoria.

Hearts A Mess

Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine

You have lost
Too much love
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It’s not enough)
You just threw away the key
To your heart

You don’t get burned
(’Cause nothing gets through)
It makes it easier
(Easier on you)
But that much more difficult for me
To make you see…

Love ain’t fair
So there you are
My love

Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this

Love ain’t safe
You won’t get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don’t wanna waste my love

The 'talk'

The Talk was had last night. Very late and probably not at the most ideal of times. Having said that, it went much better than we both expected. I asked him if he thought we had a status. He said that it looked like we have a status, but we definitely do not have a status.

Works for me.

He made and packed lunch for me today. Thoughtful boy.

It was my intention to simply ask if he thought we had a status. He surprised me by expanding on it and the whole thing became a damn honest conversation...when really, we were both ready to pass out from tiredness.

Neither of us expected things to get to where they are. I guess we're surprised we get on like we do, considering how different we are. He says he doesn't think about 'us' (even though there's no 'us') on the weekends. Ha, I thought he was talking about all the propositions he gets (and fwiw, turns down)....till he said that it's just that he likes taking the drugs too much. Hmmm, ok. Realistically, I'd say it's both and the freedom of having no relationship restrictions. He didn't have to say anything about anything, so I give him kudos for saying what he thinks and how he feels.

He said he gets lonely sometimes. That, I understand perfectly, and it's probably one of the bigger reasons I'm relatively content about the way things are. It suits us to maintain our independence.

Apparently, I said something to him three weeks ago that bothered him. He couldn't remember what it was, or where, but after thinking about it, I know I made some comments after go-karting and I could tell they didn't go down well. Something along the lines of us being so different and that I liked him, as a person, before I knew about his lifestyle and that I'm glad it was like that, or I probably wouldn't have had anything to do with him. Eh, I can see how that would sound....and it's true.

He told me he thinks one day I'm going to change and I'll think he's an arsehole, because he's not going to change. My reply was that I'd bail out if I thought that even looked remotely likely.

I had one basic request that he be honest with me and that we make sure we're always on the same page. If either of us moves off it, we let the other know. We agreed on that.

I ended the conversation by saying, "You're ok. Go to sleep."
He said, "You're not too bad yourself."

Lunch was a very nice cheese tortellini, followed by fruit.

Integration, or lack thereof

Hmmmm..... I've been pondering this for a while now.

The anti-me has now said, unprompted and out of the blue, on three separate occasions that it's unfortunate that I live so far from him (an hour drive). I don't know how to take it, except to take it exactly as he said it. Honesty is one of his appealing qualities, even if sometimes he gives me more information than I need.

It's like dealing with two people. There's the party guy who ends up in situations that lead to his brother handing over his underwear to a bridesmaid on a hen's night, who gets wired and dances till the sun comes up, tells me when he's been propositioned by girls, and who has a calendar of naked women just outside his lounge room. "Did you see your competition for this month?" "That's not competition. That's editing. I don't even compete with real people."

The other side is the guy who gets concerned when I'm not feeling well, who asks me to go grocery shopping with him then pays for the things I find for myself, who bought a toothbrush for me in case I might need one, won't let me buy dinner, because I've driven all the way to his place, and who curls up with his head on my knee while we watch tv.

It's confusing and I don't know whether I'm comfortable or uncomfortable.

He's looking at buying a home theatre system (projector etc) and he's started calling me to ask advice, get opinions etc. He's 'involving' me more. "If you can get here early enough, we can go to [the store] and you can see what I'm thinking of getting."

Basically, he's keeping in touch more. I told him on Sunday that it's like dealing with two different people.

Still, the only physical integration between our separate worlds so far has been go-karting and he's opted out of doing anything with the people from my social group again. I can understand why, from his perspective.

He still doesn't know my last name, or my home phone number. As of today, he has my work number, because of the whole home theatre thing I was helping him with.

He's stopped smoking, he's settled, for the most part, into one regular club where everyone's clothed (except, apparently, his brother) albeit completely smashed off their faces, and he has no more internet.

Seriously. He is two people, I'm sure.

It's weird. It's convenient. I like it. I don't know why.

Ha, well yes I do, but it's 11.34pm and I'm too tired to explain why right now.

I should be grateful

My temp started today. The guys I work with are aged between 19 and mid 30s. They don't see me as one of the girls, so I don't count. My temp is a little Italian lady, probably in her late 50s.

She's really nice. The guys give her a month before she cracks. I give her till the end of the week.

So far, she's been completely overwhelmed by the type and the amount of work I do - that she has to learn. She was told she'd be doing "purchasing for construction". Um, no, it's a little more complicated than that. We support over 2,000 users inter/nationally with anything IT related....plus processing all expenses.

We're understaffed. There's physically no room for more staff in our area. She's squeezed in between two of the guys (who spend most of their days bickering like teenage boys and throwing staples and rubber bands at each other).

The whole dynamic felt weird today. The boys didn't know how to behave, one woman who couldn't pronounce her last name basically made a total fool of herself and insulted the poor woman not long after she arrived (and then apologised later to me - um, wrong person).

I just don't know.

There are so many things I want to be able to have her do. I've got very basic jobs she can do in the beginning, like ringing cell phone numbers from our phone bills, that don't have names against them, to find out who owns them and where they are. Once she's done that, I'll have to give her more complicated things. She mentioned this afternoon she doesn't really want to know details - just what she has to know to do what I need her to do. She needs to know details!

I'm not sure what to do. I was grateful for her making all the calls today. It's a job I haven't had time to do in the last 4 months, so I don't have to worry about it anymore. I want her to take the pressure off with some of the harder things too.

I don't know if she has the skills.....or if she'll fit in.....or if the boys will scare her off....or if I will.

She's nice. I'm just not sure how well it's going to turn out. I feel bad for not feeling good about this. I need someone to help out.

The fear factor

It'll come as no surprise to some, but there are times when I attempt to bite off more than I can chew. Usually, it all works out fine. Sometimes, I question my sanity.

Today was the second time I went horse riding with my online social group. Last time I went, I got a feisty horse that had a bit of an attitude and didn't much like being to close to the other horses, let alone do anything I wanted. For some inexplicable reason, I asked for her again. She needed a new shoe before I could ride her, so I should have realised she'd be in a bad mood. When the guys led her out and she was fidgety and her ears were back, I wondered what I was getting myself into. She's a big horse!

I was last to get set up, because of the shoeing, and that was probably good, because she didn't have to wait around. She cantered without as much pushing as last time, but she tried to bite other horses she thought were too close and almost kicked one. By the half way point, I had people saying they were going to avoid me on the way back. They were half joking, but it's really not good being the one on the horse with an attitude amongst a group of 20 or so.

The guys who take the ride (which was through much more difficult terrain than last time!) are not young - very experienced. They kept checking on me, saying I was too nice to her. I said I like a challenge. They told me they could give me a more challenging horse. Um, no thanks!

I must admit, when she cantered, she was fast and smooth - very nice. One of the guys told me he often rides her as his own horse. That he'd choose her out of all the horses, is a good sign, but also shows how out of my league I obviously was. Ha! I have high expectations of myself!

I suppose if they didn't think I'd do ok, they wouldn't have let me on her - they prepared her especially for me and hadn't planned on using her at all. But man, I know all about "show no fear" now. When she cantered, she flew!

At one point, the tracks through the mountain were very narrow and extremely steep. It took a lot of patience and trust to navigate them. I can laugh about it now, but we got to the bottom of one steep slope and the track widened out and stayed flat for a while. A few people were a little ahead of us and I guess she wanted to catch up. She broke into a fast trot by herself and all I could think was, "there's a log over the track up there!" Before I knew it, I was sailing over the damn thing! Scary beforehand. Exciting immediately after! LOL

I forgot to take my camera this time and was annoyed with myself. I remembered other things I wanted to take photos of as well, along the way to the riding school. I may take a drive up there soon anyway, because it's a nice drive, even if you have no particular destination.

I do realise I've been pushing myself lately. I don't classify horse riding, go-karting, or camping as extreme, but you definitely have to have your wits about you for the former two. It feels like there's a need in me now to test myself physically. Not with your general sports or exercise (although I think I'll be going back to regular gym soon - I'm not motivated enough to do much at home), but with things where I have to push my mental will as well as being physical.

Another horse riding event is booked for the end of this month, at a different venue. My name is down, but I'm going to Miss Saigon that night. I'm not as sore and bruised this time as I was last time, but I'm weary. I want to enjoy the theatre, not wish I could pass out before the first interval. We'll see.

I'm also booked to go para-sailing in (two?) weeks. Not sure how I feel about that, but there's something that's driving me to do these things lately and it's probably best I get it out of my system. I had a great day, today....even though I was so worn out that I slept on the lounge for two hours when I got home.

AFGO, or three? Probably. If I can work through my fear to do these and other activities, then maybe I can work through my fear related to other situations too.

In other news

I want to be her when I grow up.











Or her. Either will do. I'm not picky.

You never know...

....what's going on right around the corner.

....Till you see the police helicopters and it's on the internet news.

Lunch was eventful today. Each week, we try a different local pub to have lunch at. We drove further than normal today, only to discover the pub we chose was closed. So we opted for a Plan B pub, which also turned out to be closed. Eventually, we agreed to go to a (rather expensive) bar/club/restaurant. It's one of those places you'd start at on a Friday or Saturday night out, before you kicked on elsewhere. More than we'd usually pay for lunch, but it was that, or McDonalds drive through - and that wasn't an option. (You know, it never occurs to me that I'm the only girl at our lunches, with up to 8 guys, until the waiters give me strange looks. But that's another post.)

Due to all the driving around, lunch took longer than usual. We got back to the office and were all going about our work when one guy commented about the noise of aircraft in the area (which isn't something you'd normally mention about our location).

A couple of minutes later, someone told us a body of a woman had been found in the river just behind our office. Not exactly the type of thing you want to contemplate too long.

When we go for our lunchtime walks, we walk along the river in the opposite direction. I'm glad about that now.