Snap

Sooo..... the thing I hate most about the culture of my company is that when someone wants to know the progress of something, they won't go to the person who can tell them. They'll go to their boss, or their boss' boss. That does nothing but piss the person off who's doing the job for them. It happens to me a lot, because of the type of people I deal with on a daily basis.

Some email my direct boss, who has not 'managed' me the entire time I've been there. Today, someone went further, to one of the most senior managers. Instead of him speaking to me, he forwarded the email to yet another manager, asking him to sort it out, and copied me in on it. It was unwarranted and was the final straw for me.

So I sent an email back, explaining the situation, but I also pointed out the lack of support our entire department is feeling and asked that we might have a meeting so people could voice their concerns. The two line reply I got back ended with "your response is way over the top". Ok.

At that point, I walked away from my desk. One of the guys later said the only reason he knew I didn't leave for good was that my jacket was still on my chair. I sat on the counter in the bathroom for over half an hour, just trying to think and calm down. A woman from another department happened to come in while I was there and helped to slow my heart rate down. I don't think I've been so angry in a long time.

By the time I got back to my desk, a couple of the guys I work with had made some phone calls and one talked to the guy who sent me the dismissive email. Apparently he's very sorry he offended me and if I want to talk to him tomorrow, he'll be in the office. Whatever. He missed my point entirely.

I said things that everybody else thinks, but nobody wants to say, because none of us think anything will actually change. I took the fall for the group and got exactly the result we expected - nothing. Which proved our point entirely.

I have no idea if anyone told my actual boss what happened. Last time I had an issue similar to this, I forced him to do something about it. This time, I doubt he will. He's part of the problem.

I like my job and I like the people I work with. But I'm not getting paid enough to do what I do completely unsupported. If nothing changes, I'll be job hunting again. I want to keep my sanity...what's left of it anyway. This afternoon was really, really crappy.

I am

Tired
Weary
Confused
Overworked
Disappointed

I like my job. I like the people I work with. I've built up good relationships with my suppliers. They bend rules for me that they won't bend for other clients. I get stuff done.

But there is too.much.to.do. It is virtually impossible for me to keep up with the work that needs to be done, even with my temp. It's making me feel....I don't know. I brought it up with my boss (the one who has been seconded out of the office and hasn't been 'managing' me since the day I started) and he responded with a flippant, "we'll have to look at streamlining procedures".

The big bosses sent around an email about how we're all doing such a good job and they realise we're under pressure, blah blah blah...but nothing about how they're going to help us. One of the guys remarked that it was just another email to read and waste more of our already pressured time. And it's true. If I believed it would make a difference, I would have replied to the email asking exactly what they were going to do other than tell us how busy we are. We already know that.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave. Staying might just do my head in. I'm good at what I do, but right now I feel like there's no way for me to do what I have to do well enough to feel like I'm good at it.

I work for a good company, but my team has no management and no direction...and no support. It's only been 8 months and I'm already worn out.

It's a good thing I go to gym every morning. I need the release.

What to do. What to do...

Right choice, hard choice.

I told G we need to just be friends. He has far too many complications in his life at the moment and us being more than friends is/was/will only add to that. I'm glad I made the decision. I'm glad I went to see him, rather than hiding behind a phone. It's the first time in a while I've gone out of my way to have a face to face discussion when I could easily have avoided it (and boy do I hate face to face confrontation of any kind)...yet it made it easier for both of us, somehow.

He was worried that I'd leave the gym. That's something I won't do. I'm mature enough (I hope) to be able to separate the friendship from the work. And we still intend to be friends and supportive of each other. It's just really bad timing. Six months from now, who knows what may happen.

I was so not ready to be close to someone and him appearing when he did, under the circumstances he did, took me by surprise - took us both by surprise. The timing is worse for him than me.

There used to be a time I would have powered on through, ignoring all the issues. I guess it's progress that I've realised the issues need to be sorted out before anything else can work.

Maybe when the dust settles....

M-eye-space

Ok, I get that it's a networking site. What I don't get is why random people want to be added as friends. My profile says I'm not there for friends, but so I can read my friends' blogs. Self explanatory, one would think.

Seemingly normal people (and not so normal) are asking me to add them as friends. Why??? I don't have a blog there. The only thing I have on my profile is a bunch of rambled thoughts put together late one night. I haven't filled out all the other jazz you're supposed to. Why would I, if I don't use it?

Some people seem to just go around collecting 'friends', but I can't see any normal person actually reading 200+ 'friends'' m-eye-space each week. If they are, they have way more free time than me!

I don't get it. I don 't want to be anybody's friend.

My m-eye-space is my space....and that's how I want it.....a space.

Sara had her baby!

I'll post all the details as soon as I get them. :-)

Frustrated

I've been literally trying to work my arse off in the gym every day for the last three weeks. I go for an hour every morning before work, ignoring the fact that it's cold and dark outside. I go some evenings after work and Saturday mornings. My weight has stayed exactly the same.

My legs are toning slightly, which is all well and good, but I can't see much of a difference anywhere else. G said one other person who started just before me didn't lose an ounce till after the third week - and he goes more often than me! So, I'm hopeful, but frustrated.

G is making me work hard - I've asked him to - and I'm trying to eat well, too. It would just be nice to have seen some results by now. The only thing I can tell is my jeans are slightly more loose around my lower thighs. Nice, but not totally inspiring. He took a photo of me yesterday and today, despite my protests. I think the pics look horrid. He wants to use them as 'before' shots. I told him I already have plenty of photos of myself that I hate without having more plastered around the gym walls. They better stay on his camera or there'll be payback. I took a couple of choice photos of him on my phone, so I have a bargaining tool, just in case.

Showering at work has become routine. It took a while for me to not be a bit weirded out, but now I'm ok with it....except that the hot water doesn't last long, so showering is hurried.

Having a kind of thing with the gym coach is....interesting. He's going through some hard things at the moment and I'm trying to stay out of it. It's difficult to stay well enough away when you seem to just click with someone. Having not felt that for a while, it's nice. But you can't have expectations of someone who's not in a position to know what they want, or need, themselves.

A day at a time.

Spookiness

Updated...
My gym is in an old building on the grounds of a Catholic school. I'm not sure how old it is, but it has those big old windows that slide up with ropes, not out. The front door is big and heavy, but there's a screen door in front that's quite squeaky.

Tonight, I was there after I finished my workout, with G, just talking and closing up the place, standing near the front door. The door moved. More precisely, the handle of the door moved like someone was coming in. This was strange, because technically, he'd been closed for almost half an hour. I moved out of the way and G moved towards the door to open it for whoever it was.

Nobody was outside. I said maybe the door just shifted slightly. G replied that that was not possible because he saw the handle move. I said I saw it as well. He went outside in the dark and had a decent look around, but nobody was there.

When he came back, we half tried to justify it, but we both saw the handle move. Even more strange, if there was someone there, we would have heard the screen door squeak and the person wouldn't have had time to leave before we saw them.

Just in case ya missed it.... the door handle shifted down and the door opened by itself. We both watched it happen and just kept saying, "the handle moved!!". Yep, we're a little freaked out.

There was nobody else in the gym this morning, so I got to work out in peace and chat with G. Before I left, we had a look at the door. We pushed and pulled the main door and the screen door to see if we could do so without making any noise - from inside or outside. It was impossible to open the main door from the outside, without the screen door making a sound, either from the lock disengaging, or the hydraulic thingy making a hissing sound. Nobody could have opened the main door without us hearing the screen door first. And yet, it opened. And the screen didn't.

He found out that the gym room/s used to be living quarters for the school years ago. Maybe somebody was just coming home?

We're still freaked out.

Rollercoasters

It seems like there's so much negativity going on in peoples' lives at the moment...and for some, a lot of positivity.

My niece is now in her own place, with her daughters, although her ex and his family are still giving her a very hard time. I don't like the situation, but it's the best she can be in, for the time being.

My best friend here has recently separated from her husband. He's living with his mum thinking life is fine, she's at home looking after their 4 kids. She's having a hard time with it, but has been doing ok. Then her dog got hit by a car, her car broke down trying to get the dog to the vet, the computer broke, the fridge busted. Minor by themselves. Not so, all at once. Last Thursday, her eldest daughter (21) was diagnosed with lymphoma. She's having bone marrow biopsies done on Wednesday. It all just sucks. I spent the afternoon with them today. My concerns are, all of a sudden, not so significant.

I am.... I'm not sure how I am. Alright, I suppose. I'm in a situation I'd tell anyone else to run a million miles from. What it says about me that I know that, but remain, I'm not sure. There's something I need from it and I know what it is. It's multi-faceted, really.

At the moment, I'm showing the most determined, competitive, compulsive and impulsive parts of my personality...topped with a lot of compassion about a situation I should be extremely subjective about, but I am staying surprisingly objective and detached. I haven't yet worked out my motivation. Whatever it is, I feel more ... inspired? enthusiastic? ... about me than I have in a while.

Surprisingly, the stranger I lived with was the last person I felt socialised really well with my friends. I wasn't worried he would do or say something to embarrass me (although, at the time, I didn't know things about him that were worse than I could have imagined), because we always presented as the 'ideal' couple.

Last night, I took my gym trainer (G) out to dinner with my social group. It was incredibly easy and comfortable and natural. So much so that we both were completely unconscious about the fact that we were ridiculously affectionate all night. At the dinner table. Bad, bad manners! No face sucking, though. I do have some restraint! When we left, it dawned on us that we must have looked like pathetic teenagers. Sad, really. I've let myself get close to someone and I didn't think that was possible for me right now. Whether it's right or not is another thing entirely. We could crash and burn into a big fireball very soon. Or it might all just turn out ok.

At least it's good incentive to get up at 5.30am and go to gym. And I definitely need incentive to do that.

Auntie E

I was chatting with the lovely Sara today. Those of you who know her might be as surprised and excited as I am to know she's due to have her baby in TWO weeks! Ack!! I thought I had a couple more weeks than that before I got all nervous for her. Bad Auntie E for not paying more attention.

We're excited, because we figured out today that we can now text each other. I just wish I could see her. I miss her sooo much. Even more when we talk, if that makes sense. I wish she was here.

Yin and Yang

Black and white. Good and bad. Nothing's ever just black and white. Always there are various shades of grey in between. So it shouldn't be a surprise that a good situation has presented itself to me with a major drawback (or two).

I had an impulsive coffee with my gym trainer (owner of the gym) on Sunday afternoon. It ended up as dinner. I told him my intention had been to avoid boys for a while and that having a boy around would take some adjusting, because I wasn't prepared/ready to deal with it. I have stuff to deal with.

He has more stuff to deal with. Way more. I'm not ready to post about it here, because I haven't processed everything I need to yet.

Meanwhile, he's been working my arse (and arms, legs, and everything else that could possibly feel pain) off at the gym. It's a strange dynamic, but it's all good. He's had the extended version of what I want to fix/change about myself other than 'tone' and 'change body shape' on the application form, so he's making me work hard.

I'm having trouble coming to terms with the positive attention. It's hard to trust, I'm wary, and I don't like that. However, in this instance, I need to be moreso, at least for a while.

I'll post what the 'bad' is eventually. For now, the good is very good. I'm not ignoring the bad. I'm just going to take the time to see what happens with it and hope that the good is what it is.

How cliche, though, to have a 'thing' with the personal trainer...

Another crumb

Since I have absolutely no time, I'll leave another quick note to follow the last one.

No, it's not the hottie at work, pleasant as that would be.

Let's just say I have more incentive to go to the gym and personal training could take on a whole new meaning.

Two shmoo

Two years is, apparently, impossible. Try three days....

How's that for a cliff hanger? ;-)

Spicks and specks

The downside of giving someone all your extra money, to help them, because they need it more, is that you end up with no money. I hate having no money. I like that I'm able to help... and I know I'll get paid again each month. It's a trade off.

I found someone at work to admire (read: swoon over) from a distance. That's how it will stay and I'm ok with that, especially considering my next point below.

Dr Ruth told me yesterday that she thinks I shouldn't think about a relationship with a boy for at least two years. She then said I probably wouldn't do that. She might be right. For the moment, though, I know I'm nowhere near to wanting a boy around all the time. In fact, one of the guys I work with basically said it's glaringly obvious I'm not ready. He's right, too...and too perceptive for his own good. In the meantime, I'm fine with staring at the hottie guy....and dropping everything else I'm doing to help when he asks. He told someone today I'm the most important person in the company. So I like him even more now. haha

My boss backed me up on something today that I really didn't think he would. I was incredibly angry about a situation (one of a number of stupid issues this week) and requested that he deal with it. Everyone said he wouldn't, because he's not supportive in that way. He did. In fact he went beyond what I expected. It restored my faith in 'the system' a little.

I'll be back at the gym early tomorrow morning. Probably around 6.30am. My body only stopped hurting today. Methinks I should get used to being in pain for a while. Pain is good....

Yesterday, I started taking the drugs I stopped taking when I got gastro (or whatever it was) the other week. Dr Ruth agreed with me that the only way to know if they made me sick, or not, would be to take them again and see what happens. I'd resigned myself to having to do that, but I'm hoping now that it was some sort of virus. Having another week like that would not be fun.

And that's all I can remember I wanted to say, for now.

I need to soak

....in a bath of muscle relaxers. That's the one thing I dislike about this tiny house. No bath. Sigh...

Anyway, apart from not being able to extend my arms, do my hair or turn the steering wheel in the car, I felt good this morning. By this afternoon, my chest was starting to get a bit tight. I was glad I was booked in for a massage and acupuncture.

Once I lay down on that damn table, they poked and prodded muscles I'd forgotten I had and by the time they were done, I struggled to roll onto my back for the acupuncture. But before that happened, the woman (who's a professor of chinese medicine, or something impressive like that) massaged my chest, shoulders and head. Who knew one's chest could hurt so much? Geeez!

It took all my effort to get off the table and put my shirt and shoes back on.

Tomorrow should be interesting. Gym at 6am, get to work around 7.30, shower, change and have a meeting at 9am. Just me and the two bosses from the start up company we've agreed to go with for our telco services. I think as long as we just talk and I don't have to show them around anything, we'll be fine. Otherwise, I might require a chair with wheels and someone to roll me up and down the corridors.

(Hey, weird coincidence....when I told the trainer my full name, he said, "Hey, I have another E [mylastname] here". He only has 40 clients. She lives in the same suburb as me. I know this because when I first moved here, I checked the phone book to see how easily the stranger I lived with would be able to find me. Her name is Emily and I missed her by literally a minute or two on Monday. It'll be kinda strange to meet her. Not sure why, but it will.)

Oh, someone remind me I have an appointment with Dr Ruth at 1pm on Thursday. I'm sure to forget!

Oh my...

Today didn't start out quite how I planned. I was supposed to get up early, go to gym, then trundle off to work, feeling all healthy and inspired. That would have happened if I turned my alarm on. Instead, I set the time, but forgot to flick the switch to make sure it went off. I woke up just as I would have been finishing my session. I rang the trainer and told him I'd be in after work. And I was. Now I have one word to say. Ouch.

Well, three words. Ouch, ouch, ouch. No, not right now. At the moment, I'm in no pain, because there is no feeling left in my body. Tomorrow, I will hurt. A lot.

I don't think I've worked so hard at exercise in my life. Having someone there to push me the whole time was good and it was nice to have encouragement. Considering I haven't been inside a gym in two years, my strength is still pretty good. The trainer was impressed, so my ego got a bit of a boost.

I'll be going back first thing Wednesday morning - and making sure I set my alarm properly, so I get there on time - and I'll be doing a physical test. It's not something I'm looking forward to. Pushing myself at 6am is going to bite big time.

Two things I must remember not to say in front of a personal trainer ever again.

"Yeah, I'm ok, that was pretty easy."
"It's ok, I have a massage booked for tomorrow."

The first day is over, though, and I'm so glad I went, even if my muscles were burning, my arms were dead and I'm only just getting the feeling back in my legs.

I want a dragon

If I had a bigger place, I'd get me one of these little creatures.

The Leafy Sea Dragon is one cool animal.

Tentatively excited

Today's one of those days you should spend curled up on the couch with someone, watching a decent movie. It's overcast and cool, but not cold....it's inside weather. I'm inside. I have good movies to watch. All that's missing is someone good to watch them with...

I got up early this morning to go check out a new gym. I haven't been to the gym for ages and I'm finding I really need something/someone to hold me accountable.

At the supermarket a couple of weeks ago, a car pulled up with a sign on the side for personal training, so I checked out the website. It looked good, and close to home, so I sent the guy an email. Since then, Travis (my new part time offsider) and I discussed getting a trainer two days a week after work, to get us fit. After a couple of email exchanges with the trainer, I decided to drop in and see what they were all about.

The gym is tiny and only 6 months old, but it's part of a bigger chain. When I arrived, the guy was jogging up the street with 3 gym members and he greeted me at the door as the rest of them got back onto the equipment. He explained that he will often break up the routines by taking everyone out for a run during their session. He also said their exercise routines change every day. Basically, everyone follows the same routine (for the most part), but it's different every day, so you don't get bored with a repetitive program. On some days, he takes the group outside and does a boot camp style session instead. The gym is run as if he's each person's personal coach. It's interactive and with only a handful of people there at a time (he only has 40 members), you're getting one month's worth of personal training for not much more than you'd pay for an hour for a personal trainer outside a regular gym. And you only pay month to month, so you don't pay for a long contract you're not going to stick with.

They have one training routine that you can do over about a week period. Once you complete it, you get to 'train the trainer' for 15 minutes - basically make him do whatever you want. They also have events they hold outside regular hours - social stuff, like team sports, against other clubs in the chain.

The thing I was most impressed with is that he will contact you if you don't show up, or if you start to go less often, to encourage you to keep up. Most gyms will just take your money and not care if you do the work, or not. I like that he will go to that effort to ring or email. I can see I might need that from time to time.

So.... I'm going for a free trial all of next week. My first session is 6.15am on Monday morning and I'm sure I'm going to die, if not from how cold it will be at that time of morning, then from my body going into shock from having to do things it hasn't done in a while (not the least of which is being up that early and out of the house to begin with).

I know it's going to hurt and I know it's going to make me tired, but I think it'll be worth it.

I've just given my niece just about all the spare money I had, to help her move out (and thank you to the couple of people who have been unbelievably generous - I don't have enough words...), so signing up for this is going to mean other things get cut back pretty sharply. It's something I need to do, to feel better about myself, though, so I am excited....in that "I know it's going to hurt, but I'll do it anyway" kind of way.

Nite nite!

I've just started to read a book I bought a while ago. It's called Tired of Being Tired - how to activate your sleep switch. It's all about helping you learn to get to sleep when you want to get to sleep.

It's working. Just reading it makes me tired. The way I'm going, I might have fabulous sleep for the rest of the year. I can't get through more than one or two pages a night.

Hey Rich!

It was SO good to chat with you. It's been too long. Just talking to you always makes me feel better. Miss you. :-)

Goodbye or Hello

I'm in a bit of a predicament. It never really occurred to me when I started my job just how much - I was going to say 'power', but that's not the right word - how much influence and input I would have over some big company-wide decisions.

A couple of weeks ago, we had two meetings with potential telco providers (resellers), organised by a major telco. The relationship that telco has with our current provider will cease at the end of June, so we need to find somewhere else.

One of the dealers is well recognised and has been operating for years. The other is a start up company that's been in operation less than a year, but it's a breakaway company of the one we deal with now, and a competitor.

Telco guy asked me to tell the start up dealer what I would change about the relationship I have with our current provider. I said, if we're talking specifically about who I deal with, then I have no complaints at all, because I think A is a legend. I said those words. Little did I know, the dealer knew who I was talking about and also gave positive feedback. In fact, the woman who they have allocated as our client rep used to do A's job - he got his job when she moved to the start up and they know each other well.

After the meetings, we (me and one of the guys I work with who I look to as sort of a boss, (because my boss has been seconded off site the whole time I've been there) but he's not really) were leaning towards the start up company, for a number of reasons, but I had some concerns. In addition, it wasn't really a serious idea, but we joked about making our decision contingent on the start up taking on board A, the guy I deal with now.

So I sent an email asking for clarification on some items and added that a wish list item would be that they take A on board, too. They replied back that they couldn't go after him, but they'd be open if he approached them.

I had already spoken to A about this, as we have more of a friendship relationship than a business one. He says I'm more like a girlfriend, because I call to bust his butt so many times a day. I say he's like a boyfriend, because he never answers or returns my calls, and if he did, I wouldn't have to keep calling. We get on well. It just works.

Anyway, A said he would be interested in moving to the start up. I told him he would have to approach them, but they're open to talking. He's seriously considering it. Not just because of my company/me, but because his company is undergoing changes he's not happy about, come the end of June.

And now? I feel a little guilty/nervous about having some influence in A's employment fate. He's only 21 and could be easily swayed by any of the players in this. Soon, I'll be emailing the start up to accept them as our dealer. I would love for them to take A on board. He's very keen on the idea, too.

However, my boss - the one I rarely see or deal with - makes some pretty...emotional... business decisions at times, without discussing them with any of the rest of us, and I worry that he could pull the plug on the whole thing after the fact (although I'm sure contracts will have to be signed).

I know A is free to make whatever employment choices he chooses, and he did say he'd considered approaching the start up before I mentioned it.... Still, I want him to do what's best for him overall and not just what I want, because I don't want to have to deal with someone new.

And that's the short version!

Anti climax

J and I won't be keeping in touch anymore. He has too much stuff going on and we're too different. I don't regret it. I think he's a great person and we got on well. It went a lot further and for longer than either of us anticipated. But it's run it's course.

I'm a little sad, because I do like the guy, but it was always inevitable and in that regard, I've always been prepared to walk away at some stage.

So there you have it. Just like that. No discussion. It just is.

Eh, who am I kidding? It sucks. I feel like I've lost a friend.