Family - part 5
(I think it's part 5. I'll have to check later on.)
I spoke to my dad tonight. I've been finding it increasingly easy to talk to him about things I never thought I could talk to anyone in my family about. He's never judgemental. He just listens, gives advice when he thinks he can, or tells me he doesn't have a clue when....well, when he doesn't have a clue.
Tonight was interesting. I told him that I'd been going to ACoA meetings each week. He was surprised at first - I doubt he ever expected me to need something like that - but then he revealed some really interesting things.
There are many, many things I've shut out from my past. A lot of my childhood, I just do not remember. As we talked, he told me a number of things that surprised me, but also made some things make more sense.
One distinct memory he has that I don't, is my sister calling him one day to come over when my mum's boyfriend had gotten drunk. He got to our house to find the stupid jerk off his face, with the lawn mower going in the lounge room on the carpet!! My mum, my sister (one of them), my brother and I were there as well. This is the shit that went on! This is the shit that I've blocked out. Who the hell can grow up normal when they have some bastard who pulls stunts like that, living with them?
Dad questioned why I'd started going to ACoA now and how I'd been affected. I said it's because I'm too serious. I can't relax and I don't allow myself to have fun. Mostly, I don't know how to have fun. Growing up was not fun. It's not something I was taught. Yeah, I can be funny, but having fun is sometimes difficult. (I'm part way through a post specifically about this, so no doubt it'll appear on here some time soon.)
My poor dad blamed himself for this. He said it was his fault I was too serious. He said my grandfather's parents were dysfunctional (his father ended up in a mental asylum and his mother couldn't cope), so my grandfather was essentially raised by two aunts who were good to him, but it was not a happy environment. Then he said that after my grandfather and grandmother divorced, there was an incident at her place with her new husband where my dad witnessed the new husband punch my grandfather. Things were always volatile. He said the negativity that he grew up in made him a little too serious too. Dad said that incident really stuck with him and that it's that kind of thing that children shouldn't be witness to.
No joke! I remember mum's arsehole boyfriend putting barstools through the ceiling and stalking mum (us?) around the kitchen table with a carving knife.
I don't remember anything fun. Even when we went on holidays, I can clearly see myself getting away from everyone at any chance I got - wander the streets by myself, walk on the beach by myself - so I could physically distance myself from that life.
I find myself doing that now and I really don't like it. I retreat from people when I need them the most. It's not a healthy way to be, but I recognise it and that's the first step to correcting it, right?
Anyway, I feel bad that my dad thinks it's his fault that I'm kinda messed up. It's not. It's the situation. It was what it was and it would have happened whether he or my grandfather were happy kids, or not.
I'm glad I told my dad I was going to the weekly meetings. I didn't mean to. Now that I have, I feel a little better. Maybe this has started a dialogue between us that'll help me to understand a number of things I haven't figured out yet.....and maybe get some memories back in the process, even if they suck. I need to know who I am.
I spoke to my dad tonight. I've been finding it increasingly easy to talk to him about things I never thought I could talk to anyone in my family about. He's never judgemental. He just listens, gives advice when he thinks he can, or tells me he doesn't have a clue when....well, when he doesn't have a clue.
Tonight was interesting. I told him that I'd been going to ACoA meetings each week. He was surprised at first - I doubt he ever expected me to need something like that - but then he revealed some really interesting things.
There are many, many things I've shut out from my past. A lot of my childhood, I just do not remember. As we talked, he told me a number of things that surprised me, but also made some things make more sense.
One distinct memory he has that I don't, is my sister calling him one day to come over when my mum's boyfriend had gotten drunk. He got to our house to find the stupid jerk off his face, with the lawn mower going in the lounge room on the carpet!! My mum, my sister (one of them), my brother and I were there as well. This is the shit that went on! This is the shit that I've blocked out. Who the hell can grow up normal when they have some bastard who pulls stunts like that, living with them?
Dad questioned why I'd started going to ACoA now and how I'd been affected. I said it's because I'm too serious. I can't relax and I don't allow myself to have fun. Mostly, I don't know how to have fun. Growing up was not fun. It's not something I was taught. Yeah, I can be funny, but having fun is sometimes difficult. (I'm part way through a post specifically about this, so no doubt it'll appear on here some time soon.)
My poor dad blamed himself for this. He said it was his fault I was too serious. He said my grandfather's parents were dysfunctional (his father ended up in a mental asylum and his mother couldn't cope), so my grandfather was essentially raised by two aunts who were good to him, but it was not a happy environment. Then he said that after my grandfather and grandmother divorced, there was an incident at her place with her new husband where my dad witnessed the new husband punch my grandfather. Things were always volatile. He said the negativity that he grew up in made him a little too serious too. Dad said that incident really stuck with him and that it's that kind of thing that children shouldn't be witness to.
No joke! I remember mum's arsehole boyfriend putting barstools through the ceiling and stalking mum (us?) around the kitchen table with a carving knife.
I don't remember anything fun. Even when we went on holidays, I can clearly see myself getting away from everyone at any chance I got - wander the streets by myself, walk on the beach by myself - so I could physically distance myself from that life.
I find myself doing that now and I really don't like it. I retreat from people when I need them the most. It's not a healthy way to be, but I recognise it and that's the first step to correcting it, right?
Anyway, I feel bad that my dad thinks it's his fault that I'm kinda messed up. It's not. It's the situation. It was what it was and it would have happened whether he or my grandfather were happy kids, or not.
I'm glad I told my dad I was going to the weekly meetings. I didn't mean to. Now that I have, I feel a little better. Maybe this has started a dialogue between us that'll help me to understand a number of things I haven't figured out yet.....and maybe get some memories back in the process, even if they suck. I need to know who I am.
posted by E in Oz at 9:41 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 9:41 pm
3 Comments:
How great that your dad is being supportive of you. That's a GREAT start on your road to healing, dontcha think?
((((((((E)))))))
(((((((((E))))))))
Yep, thank god for your dad. It's good to have someone in your family validate your experience, i think, so you don't think that it wasn't what it was, or whatever. I think it's great that you are developing this dialogue with him and maybe he can help open up some more doors for you in the future, for more healing! (((((((((((E)))))))))))
a
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