Night one was ok...night two sucked

I have bruises all over me. I've been collecting them during my packing, moving, and cleaning. Mostly, they're small, about the size of coins, but they're everywhere. Both my arms, wrists, hands, one on the top of one of my feet, my shins....I'm surprised I haven't banged my head yet. It's only a matter of time...

From bruises, I moved on to cuts. Paper, tape, boxes, you name it. Then there was the 'take skin off extremities' thing as I squeezed boxes into and out of my car, and through various other doorways and the like. Two days ago, I was pulling a box out of my car, it over balanced and I squished my fingers between it and my car door. Wasn't pleasant. There was skin removal and discolouration, but no blood. No, I saved that for yesterday.

Being the fearless, independent she-warrior that I'm pretending to be right now (picture blonde Xena), I was sorting through stuff in my storage unit, looking for all the kitchen things I'd previously forgotten I needed (Lord how I miss having a dishwasher already!). I was doing well. Managed to earn myself a couple more bruises, having to shift boxes with my legs, but I was pleased with my progress. Still, I couldn't find my stereo unit. I found the minor speakers and the wiring, but not the major components. Of course, that was the biggest box, up the highest and at the back of the unit. Where else would the heaviest thing be?

So I moved some stuff out of the way, got up on a chest of drawers, and pulled the box as close to the edge of the cabinet it was sitting on as it would go without falling off, hopped down and thought I had it balanced well enough that I could hold it long enough to put on the drawers I was standing on, then go from there. Next thing I knew, my hand slipped and the box landed on the edge of a heavy wooden computer desk I had upright, in pieces.....with my hand stuck in between.

Instant reaction was to pull my hand out. Hmmm...instant blood, instant lack of breath! LOL I think I was in so much shock and pain that I couldn't even manage tears. Stuck my finger in my mouth (mmm, hygienic, that was!) to try to dull the pain. Meanwhile, my body started shaking coz it hurt so damn much and I was wondering what the hell to do with all the stuff that I'd left in the corridor while I got someone to help me.

It's amazing how much heavy stuff you can lift and move with one hand if you really need to. I couldn't leave my unit open while I went back to the office for help, because (as is always the case at times like this) my unit is about as far away from the office as you can get, and I just didn't know who else was in there. Yeah, they have security cameras, but still...

All they had in the office was bandaids and sterile swipes. That was good enough for me. Anything so I could avoid seeing the blood, bruising and swelling that was going on. (I was so focussed on the damage to that finger, I didn't even notice the bruise on the one beside it till this morning.)

After that, I was even more determined to prove I was Xena. No amount of (probably broken) finger pain was gonna stop me getting my stuff. So back I went, loaded up the things I needed, as well as the bastard box that fell on me, and got them into my car and got myself home.

(I think it was purely a coping mechanism that I totally forgot to take that box out of the car last night. I didn't want to see it ever again. However, it's gonna have to come out tonight when I get home, because I really need music in my house.)

So, I got home and was feeling pretty upset and it hit me. Here I am, having been made to start over from scratch, lost everything I thought I had with someone who appears to have never been who he said he was, am back in debt because I had to spend money I didn't have to start over, am feeling like I'm lost and out of control in a number of ways, topped off with the fact that I look like I've been in a battle and I'm in physical pain, as well as emotional...............and he gets to go on with life as before, no consequences, no remorse, nothing. His equilibrium remains and I pay the price. I hate the unfairness of that. It's making me pretty bitter about it all.

Well, that thought process sent me spiralling into the angry tears that had been waiting to come all this time. Being that my tv still doesn't work (I discovered I have no roof antenna), no internet and no land line, I rang my girlfriend to talk. She was making dinner for her family, but said she'd come down. I got off my cell and realised I should have asked her to bring a screwdriver for the chair, but didn't want to call back. (No, I don't know why!) Then I got more upset thinking, "I only have one chair, where's she gonna sit?...." Seriously, I was like, "I'm getting this woman to drive half an hour to see me, I have nothing to feed her, nowhere for her to sit, nothing to talk about except me, can't watch tv....etc etc etc". I can say, the one good thing about living alone is that you can freak out in a major way and nobody else has to know....except the cats, who just avoided me (and now the whole blogosphere).

She arrived with icecream. I didn't even know I wanted icecream till she gave it to me. I never understood the medicinal qualities it has till now. I stopped having my meltdown and she distracted me for a couple of hours. I felt bad that I only had a box for her to park her butt on, but oh well... She's offered the services of her husband for Sunday some stage to help me get the other two lounges put together. I might take her up on it. He's Italian and he's pretty much a handyman, so he's duly qualified for the task.

By the time she left, it was pretty late and I didn't have the energy to pull my bed apart and put the electric blanket on it, so I froze for the second night in a row. I don't care how late I go to bed tonight, that thing's going on if it kills me. It'll just mean taking more happy pills tomorrow, but that's most likely not a bad idea either.

This morning's examination of my finger makes me think it's not broken. It's certainly badly bruised and swollen though. If it was broken, I wouldn't mind so much. It's my middle finger and having that permanently straight suits my mood right now, so it's not like it'd be too much of a bad thing to deal with.

Tonight's distraction - get that stinkin' stereo system out of my car and set it up before I head off to my ACoA meeting. I'll be glad for the reality/perspective check that will give me.

*whew* I'm tired!