Ever feel like

...one more thing is just gonna push you over the edge?

My head is such a mess right now, because there's so much simultaneous sh!t going on, that I'm having trouble separating each piece and keeping everything compartmentalised.

I had a normal work day today. See: had an unproductive work day today. Nothing unusual.

I had a physio appointment to go to straight after work, but needed to go to the bank first, so I could pay him for today's visit and the first one I had Thursday week ago. I parked my car next to another car, in gale forced winds. Seriously, the wind and rain around my area has been pretty scary. The second I loosened the handle of my door, it flew open. Smashed into the car beside me. No damage to my car. You tell me what you think I did....

After my physio appointment, I came home, got changed and headed out to my first ACoA meeting, where I managed to utter about 5 words the entire time and bawled throughout - from the back of the room. Six guys, and one other woman who turned up late. But I needed to go and I'll go back again next week.

I'm a good driver, and I like driving. I was taught to drive in awful weather conditions, so I'm pretty confident 99% of the time. Tonight, however, the weather has been so bad I was literally being blown across lanes on the freeway on my way home. The rain and the wind was (and still is now) horrendous. So I was being careful.....as I drove straight into some large branches of a tree that had come down across the road in an 80km/hr zone. It's too dark and the weather is too bad to check for damage tonight. I'll find out if there's any tomorrow.

And somewhere in the midst of getting home from work and getting home from the ACoA meeting, I also managed to hang up on C for the first time ever, because he has assumed the attitude of 'complete arseho!e'.

Yes, today's been great!

(On a more positive note, I went into my boss today and told him I was feeling unproductive, couldn't concentrate and was no use to anyone at work, so I wanted to have the next two days off to sort out some things that are on my mind. He said ok. So I can sleep in tomorrow!)

Thoughts at 1am

Trisha Yearwood - I Would've Loved You Anyway Lyrics

If I'd a-known the way that this would end
If I'd a-read the last page first
If I'd a-had the strength to walk away
If I'd a-known how this would hurt

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd a-loved you anyway

It's bittersweet to look back now
At mem'ries withered on the vine
But just to hold you close to me
For a moment in time

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd a-loved you anyway

And even if I'd seen it coming
You'd still've seen me running
Straight into your arms

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I would've loved you anyway

I would've loved you anyway

Certificate IV

My life's been pretty insane lately, and for some inexplicable reason, I thought adding study to it would be a smart thing. Really, I was looking forward to it. But I had no idea what the workload would be like. Nor did anyone else in my class, for that matter (and that's a comforting thought).

I function pretty well normally on 3 of my happy pills per day. I don't like the idea of taking more, simply because I don't like to think that I need a bunch of pills to help me function. It's my own internal demon in a way. This week, I've been taking all 6 and I have to say the difference is remarkable. C pointed out to me that you'd expect that, since I was taking twice the dose I normally do. Obvious, but it strangely hadn't occured to me.

So Monday through Wednesday, I sat in class trying to absorb exactly what's ahead of me. I wrote down a bunch of notes and partook in a lot of discussion. The thing about adult learning though, as opposed to school learning, is that nobody's making you go, nobody's telling you to do the work, and nobody really cares if you do it or not. Except you. It's all up to you.

There are 8 modules that form the Cert IV. If you choose to not complete them all, you can receive a certificate of attainment for the ones you complete. Complete them all successfully and you have a nice little nationally certified accreditation. You get six months to complete the coursework.

Part of the work is being assessed on site (at your workplace) training a small group. Then you're assessed in your ability to assess a person's training needs, set up an assessment task for them to complete, rate them and debrief. In addition, you have to show proof of organising and performing a series of training sessions. Of course, this is all in addition to your normal job workload.

Now, I'm always saying I don't have much to do at work. Usually, I don't. However, I'll be away for two weeks interstate in September, I lose two weeks for reporting in October and I lose two weeks in November and in December for reporting. Write off December and January entirely because of school holidays (nobody there to train or assess) and it doesn't leave me much time at all to get everything done.

What the hell was I thinking?!

I know I can do this, but I am such a procrastinator and I need to not be that way to get everything done that I need to have done. C has just left to take A to Bendigo to see his family for the weekend. I was supposed to go, but if I don't start this stuff this weekend, I'll kick myself. I realise it's that I've only just started and I'm panicking because the task ahead of me seems huge, but if I don't do this now I worry that I'll lose my drive and produce crappy work at the last minute. I don't want to do that to myself.

Congratulations

To Rae and Tony on the birth of Albert.

Loved the story of the trip to hospital. Just like in the movies. hehe ;-)

And of course, to Mia on the birth of Scott.

....lots of boys being born lately in the land of blog.

Thanks mum

Nothin' like a dose of emotional blackmail at 8.30am.

Is everything alright? You never ring me to chat anymore and I feel sad. Are you ok? xx

Yeah, sounds fairly inocuous to the outsider, but it's soooo much more than that.

Maybe, just maybe, this and this might be reasons I'm not feeling all that inclined to call.

Thoughts in imagery

Amazing

This fascinates me. In case you don't know, it's the Space Shuttle Discovery being transported back to Florida. (Photo from the NASA website.)














Here's a link to a high-res shot. Space exploration is largely too technical and scientific for me to really want to spend time trying to get my head around it. It does, however, keep my interest at 'curious observer' level.

The blasting off and getting into space bit? Pretty impressive.

The coming into the atmosphere and landing without power bit? Even more impressive.

But that picture above does it for me.

Damn straight!

Pinched directly from Risible Girl just because I could.

Very Well-Rounded You have: 62% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and 70% EMOTIONAL INTUITION

The graph on the right represents your place in Intuition 2-Space. As you can see, you scored above average on emotional intuition and above average on scientific intuition. (Weirdly, your emotional and scientific intuitions are equally strong.) Your Emotional Intuition score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good at Quake. Your Scientific Intuition score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the sciences. My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Scientific. You scored higher than 99% on Interpersonal. Link: The 2-Variable Intuition Test

Just my luck

Sometimes, something positive comes from something bad. (Someone remind me I said that next time I'm talking negatively about something more profound than this post.)

Anyway, I did something to my knee a few weeks ago. Well, I didn't actually do something, it just started hurting like hell whenever I knelt down or put pressure on it at all. Denial and a high pain barrier has kept me from doing anything about it. Also, two people had mentioned arthroscopes to me and that's been enough to make me avoid medical attention.

This week, I finally admitted I need to have something done, so I went to a physiotherapist last night. Nice surprise. He's pretty cute. When I got there, I realised I'd made the mistake of wearing a skirt to work. When he said, "um...you don't have shorts, do you?", was when it dawned on me that I'd be lying on a bench and he'd be playing with my leg.

Nice guy. Tried to cover me as much as was practical with towels, although it really wasn't necessary coz it was mainly my knee he was touching, but it amused me nonetheless.

Prognosis is that my thigh muscle is tight and it's pulling my kneecap outwards, so it's not tracking right and is rubbing on bone. Not nice. So he had to do some deep tissue massage on my thigh muscle to loosen it up. It was 'make you sweat' painful.

But he said all sorts of nice things about me and I just kept thinking, "nice looking guy is rubbing my leg, it's not so bad". I have to go back in a week. It's gonna be painful, but I think I can handle it.

Plugging other peoples' books

Ian's a funny dude (and all round genuine nice guy). He's written a book and I reckon it's worth buying. You can get it here. It will ask you to register on the buying site, but all that takes is your email address (so they can contact you incase there is a problem with delivery) and a password. After that you just click back in and you are ready to buy!

I used to read American Soldier quite a bit, but haven't done so in a while. He's written a book too. Soldier Life: A Day in the Life of an American Soldier is required reading for those looking for an intimate insight into the minds of fathers, husbands and warriors serving in this war.

LBF Books plans to publish Soldier Life: A Day in the Life of an American Soldier in December, 2005. American Soldier & LBF Books are going to be donating a large portion of the proceeds to Soldiers Angels. (Soldiers’ Angels) and Operation Troop Appreciation. (Operation Troop Appreciation) Both are federally recognized programs that assist Troops abroad with care packages and items needed while deployed.

CONTACT:
LBF Books, LLC,
Pittsburgh, PA
412.207.9120
lbf@lbfbooks.com

Untitled (How could this happen to me)

I think this song by Simple Plan is my current favourite.
Not just for the lyrics, but I love the music as well.

I open my eyes
I try to see
but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading awayI
'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Subject: How to irritate me 101

Something I just read...(spelling and grammar corrected for readability)

"...Sometimes men can be very defensive at times, especially if they're having a bad day, but it's important to let him calm down and let him vent when he's upset. Then talk to him later over homecooked meal, and a nice massage...........so can we just talk without so much defensiveness all the time, because as wives, we need to be submissive..."

Ok, I get if a person is having a bad day that it's best to give them space till they're ready to talk.

BUT the same applies equally to women as it does men. However, nobody would tell a guy to wait till his wife is all calmed down, give her a nice homecooked meal and a massage, in the same scenario. He'd put it down to PMS and go work in the shed, or something.

It irritates me to think that there is still a notion out there that giving your man a homecooked meal is going to make all your problems melt away.

And in the context of the above statements, the woman who posted it was implying that the female partner's feelings/needs/wants were secondary to the man's. Submission, when it implies that one person should disregard their own feelings/needs/wants in order to always satiate the needs of the other, is destructive.

Compromise and balance, where a partner understands that, at that moment, the other person is in need of more 'support' (in whatever form that may take), is a healthier position to take. The difference between that and my interpretation of what the poster wrote, is that compromise and balance happen when both partner's needs are equal and consciously (or otherwise) met by each other. And that's how I think it should be.

Submission, in the way it's presented in the above statement, is something I just cannot comprehend. To constantly feel 'less than', or to place all of your feelings, all of the time, secondary to your partner's, is not a positive place to be.

Maybe I read too much into it, but it pissed me off.

That drugged up feeling

Go get a bag of plain flour and stick your tongue into it. Make sure you get enough in your mouth that your tongue, the roof of your mouth and the insides of your cheeks are completely dry. Nice huh?

Why anyone would choose to take this kind of narcotic for fun, I have no idea. Sure, you're pretty alert and if you take the right amount, it's a bit of a buzz, but who would choose to live with the constant dry, parched mouth if they didn't have to? Then again, if you're making the choice to take narcotics for the thrill, you're probably not thinking all that smart to begin with.

Chewing gum produces saliva, so it's not so bad....when your jaw gets used to the chewing after a few days and stops hurting.

Drinking helps. Having to take in more water is not a bad thing.

Depending how you look at it, the lack of hunger is also a bonus. Unfortunately, if you forget you have to eat, even though you don't feel like it, the subsequent hunger pangs a few hours later can be a drag.

Pros:
* I stay awake during the day
* I can concentrate
* I'm not eating as much

Cons:
* Dry, parched mouth
* Having to explain why you take a drug to make you stay awake, when the problem is that you have trouble sleeping.

Now, go on. Have you stuck your tongue in that bag of flour yet? I dare ya.

You know you want to...

Nocturnal contemplation

I think a lot at night. I have trouble turning my brain off. There are times I'll fall asleep quickly, but I wake a lot during the night and when I do, I start to think. And think. And think. Unfortunately, my drugs only switch ON my brain during the day. They don't switch it OFF during the night.

Lying there in the dark, with my eyes wide open, my thoughts are simultaneously precise with clarity and clouded with uncertainty. I find all the things I want to say. I find the right ways to say it all. I find the strength to say the things I'm scared to face (concerning either myself or others). The darkness gives me the capacity to deal with the consequences of my thoughts and the assurance that I'll handle them just fine. But the darkness also makes me wonder if I'm just so tough and self assured, because I can't see me, nobody else can see me, and I can be whomever I want to be.

Then the alarm goes off and the sun starts to come through the blinds, and I'm reminded that I'm just as insecure and lacking self assurance as I was the day before. But it doesn't matter. Part of me is who I am when I'm doing my thinking at night. I remember that there is part of me who can and does deal with the uncertanties and that part of me knows I'll be ok, whatever happens.

Sometimes though, I'd like the darkness to stay a little longer. The person I am when I'm thinking at night handles life a whole lot better than the one who sees things in the cold light of day.

Hey Rich!

I just got your e-card and had a good laugh, so ..... thank you. :-)

I'm not sure what part of the world you're in now, but I hope you're safe and well. I tried to work out where you are (can't remember if you told me you left yet, or not), but there are some interesting countries in my stats list, so I have no idea!

Hope the family's happy and that you're keeping outta trouble, wherever you are.

I miss you. Hugs!

Rainy days and Sundays

It's taken me all week to get around to saying (on here) what C did for me for my birthday last Sunday.

After a card and flowers on Friday night and a foot massage and dinner on Saturday night, I was pretty pleased. He wouldn't tell me what he had planned for Sunday. I just knew I had to get up early because we had to drive somewhere.

He took me to lunch at the Boathouse in Daylesford (first pic on the right, here). It was cold, rainy and windy and my lunch was pretty ordinary, but we had a good time. I took a photo of the temperature in the car on the way there, but it didn't come out well. It showed that the temperature at 11.48am was 4.5C (40.1F). My birthday is always damn cold!

Afterwards, we drove to Hepburn Springs to the spa resort and I got treated to the best 45 minute massage, followed by a 40 minute double mineral spa with the boy, with lavendar and essential oils.

On the way home, we took a detour through a small town called Trentham, which was pretty quiet, considering it was late Sunday afternoon. We wanted to stop somewhere for coffee and there seemed to be only one place open, so we went in there. It was a little restaurant called The Chimney and it was actually a house. There was an entrance to the restaurant off the street, but it looked closed, so we tried another door. It had a long hallway, with lots of photos and paintings hanging, and through the doors you could see they were making clothes and other items for sale. It really made us feel like we were walking through someone's house, rather than stopping in to buy coffees. Turns out they were actually closed and were preparing for dinner, but they had a log fire going and let us sit next to it for as long as we wanted.

The guy who owns it is Austrian, as were, I assume, the rest of the people who worked there, because they certainly weren't speaking much English.













This is one side of the actual restaurant part of the place. Most of the entire wall is a bookshelf and there appear to be some really interesting books there, but we had no idea what most of them were about, because the majority were not written in English. I should have taken a picture of the other wall and the paintings on it as well.














This one is looking towards the back of the place, from the fireplace, where we were sitting. It looks and has the feel of being in someone's house. As we left, they were preparing vegetables for the dinner clients and it was hard not to feel like you were snooping in a kitchen you weren't supposed to be in. I didn't want to take too many photos for that reason.














This is the front of the place. They were doing Christmas in July and hadn't yet taken down all the decorations, but it just added to the warm atmosphere. One of the things they do, which we think is great, is dinner and a movie nights. They put on a traditional roast (for example), then show old movies, kids movies etc, depending on the night. They also do theme nights like sampling several different types of strudels or other authentic dishes. It's pretty cool and we'll definitely go back some time. The hour drive there is worth it.

I was really impressed with the boy and the effort he took to give me a great weekend. I can be a bit of a party pooper when it comes to my own birthday, so I'm grateful about the lengths he went to to make me happy.

I'd post a pic or two that I took of him when we were having our coffees, but he's got a bit of that movie critic look happening, complete with the tight black turtleneck sweater, so I don't think he'd be pleased with me if I did.

Yeah, I'm the crazy cat lady

Since I can't put pics of A on here, I figured I'd post pics of my own children.













So the bed's not made and the colour's not the best and the picture's fuzzy. Doesn't matter. This pic proves they're twins coz they're sitting in exactly the same position.














The 'don't you know I hate photos?' look.














The 'now that you woke me, I may as well go eat' stance.

Quote

Last week, after I asked him if he was trying to kill me by spraying a huge amount of air freshener in the bathroom.

See? You think I think my shit doesn't stink, but that just proves that I know it does.

Yep, he's a comedian.

Talking about talking

I've read a few different messages posted on a particular board this week all with a common theme - things that should have been discussed prior to the couple getting involved, weren't, and now that the issues have come up, the posters are upset that their partner has reacted differently than they expected.

One woman didn't think she wanted kids, but didn't outright tell her husband before they got married. Now that they're married, he's putting pressure on her and she's decided she doesn't want kids at all. Her 'maybe some day' should have been a 'seriously doubt it'. Instead, her husband heard, 'maybe when I'm older'. That kind of ambiguity is dangerous.

Another woman had one child with her husband and asked him hypothetically if he'd like another one. He said no and that he'd expect her to get an abortion or they'd get divorced if she got pregnant again. Her issue was not that he didn't want another child, but rather his ultimatums if she got pregnant. She said they'd had ambiguous talks about the number of kids prior to marriage, but her husband's reaction has caused her to think less affectionately of him.

It beats me why people don't have these conversations right off the bat. Well, I know why they don't. They're the tough make or break conversations and most people would rather live in denial and think that when something comes up, "because we love each other, we'll work it out", rather than risking the relationship in the early stages and losing that warm, mushy feeling.

I made a point of telling C (I think I even went as far as putting it on my dating profile) that I had no intention of having kids and that if he wanted another one, we'd need to revisit things. If he'd have been adamant about wanting another child, I think I would have had to sadly walk away. The resentment that would have built later on would probably have caused irreparable damage anyway.

I just don't understand why people don't have these conversations and then make it the other person's fault that they didn't agree with their stance on a particular issue - whether it's to have kids or not, abortion, religious celebrations, finances, or whatever.

Granted C and I have had some difficulties lately, but that's been more stubbornness over a certain minor issue we both handled badly at times, not a major value or belief we differed over (well not like the ones above, as in it would have no serious long term effect once resolved). Yeah, it did almost break us, but it taught us a lot too.

The key is that we've discussed the major 'dealbreaker' issues and we're on the same page with those, so we can be content knowing that something as contentious as sorting out our finances or whether we have kids or not, are not going to be things that cause us resentment later on.

Obviously, there's the chance for curveballs to be thrown in over time, but that's life and you deal with them as they come up. The idea is to anticipate them beforehand so they're not so much of a shock when they occur.

I just can't comprehend starting a serious relationship with someone and not knowing (and being on the same page as) their stance. It's just heartache waiting to happen.

It's confirmed

Now I know why I am the way I am.







I posted way back about a fly swatter thing my dad got for his birthday from my stepmum, and mentioned that my stepmother had made me a coathanger as a birthday gift last year.

I got my b'day present from my mother today - delivered to work.

It came in a huuuuge paper envelope. My boss' secretary joked that it was a big, woollen quilt. Unfortunately, she was right. It's not only big and woollen, it's also this colour purple, which does not and will not go with anything in either of our rooms, but it's also made for a double bed and we have two queen sizes in our house (yeah, A is spoilt, he has my old bed!). It's soft, and fluffy and probably really warm, and I do like purple. It's just not......me.

I told my boss' secretary that next time she guesses what's in an big-arse envelope addressed to me, she should guess it's a bucket load of money.

She also bought me an umbrella. Not just any umbrella though. A raining cats and dogs umbrella. It's small, black and has white drawings of cats and dogs alternating on each section. I can't find a picture of one anywhere. Cute, but I already have a big, beautiful umbrella of a Monet painting. But it'll be good to keep in C's car for A if we ever need it.

The third thing she sent is a little Angel Worry Box (a bit like this, except that mine is red, more square and a little taller, but I couldn't find one like it online).














It says:

The Angel in this box
is the guardian of your heart.
Give her your worries
and your fears
so hope and peace can start.
Keep this box nearby you
and know how much she cares
for when you need love and joy
your Angel will be there.

Now that I like. Rather ironic, though, if you ask me, but I like that sort of thing. The Angel is clear glass, with a gold halo and it's holding a big red glass heart. Kinda nice. I'm just not sure a box that small will really hold all my worries.

I haven't read the attached card yet. I'm a bad daughter.

Don't try this at home...

...or at work.

We have a set of hand cups, similar to this, here at work.









The other afternoon, we were bored and looking for ways to amuse ourselves till it was time to go home. In case you don't know what these suction cups are for, they stick to glass and help to remove it easily.

I have no idea why, but there's a set right by my desk. It's been there a couple of weeks now. So, being bored and curious, my fearless coworker picked them up and proceeded to stick them to the glass wall of our kitchen/meeting room. How were we to know that the little bar in the middle was the release handle?

Anyway, he stuck the cups to the glass and we had a laugh and wondered what they were doing in our office in the first place, and more specifically, what they were doing just left half way up the hall on a box. We made dumb Spider Man jokes, saying we'd try to scale the walls with them, if we had another set. Then he went to pull them off the glass. There was a moment of panic as my fearless coworker's arm almost got removed from its socket and the wall creaked, when he pulled and the cups didn't budge.

That's when we noticed the release handle and breathed a big sigh of relief that a) nobody saw us b) the whole wall didn't come down (thanks to dodgy building work).

Those cups are still sitting where we left them the other day, just a few feet away from us. It is soooo tempting to stick 'em to the glass again, just because someone might try to pull 'em off and the wall might fall down.

Kinda like a 'wet paint' sign. You know you shouldn't, but you just have to touch.

Sing-along

It's my blog
and I'll post if I want to
post if I want to
post if I want to

You would post too
If you had nothing to dooooo.......

Dear Itchy-hand G-d,

I was going to come here and bitch. I asked for luck. I didn't ask for my knee to give out twice in three days. I didn't ask to be lying on my kitchen floor, wondering if I'd have to stay there till C came home. I didn't ask to have to ice it, or wear a bandage to work. I really don't want to go to a physio.

But I'm not going to bitch. I heard on the news about the plane crash in Canada and am thankful you gave all the passengers my luck and nobody died.

When you have a minute though, it'd be nice if you could revisit my request.

Thanks.

Scratch scratch!

My right hand has been so itchy the last couple of days that I'm about to dig a hole in my palm.

Please, please let it be that I'm coming into a bunch of money! Or at least that a stack of good luck is headed my way.

To the Itchy Hand G-d,

If you're listening, I'd really prefer the money, but I'd be happy with some really nice things happening to me, too. Oh, and can you make it soon, please? I'm not very patient lately.

Thank you.

Sometimes you just gotta shake your head

A man who had a foot amputated has decided to keep it for old times' sake. Ezekiel Rubottom is keeping the foot on the front porch of his Kansas home. "I'm not sick or, like, a danger. I just wanted my foot," he said.

Sure ya did, mate.

A New Zealand farmer is resisting calls from angry neighbours to take down a fence adorned with hundreds of bras.

I wanna know where he got them from in the first place. I could make a joke about baaaaaaa's...but I won't.

An Indian yoga teacher hopes to get into the record books by swallowing fish and blowing them out of his nose. Vijaya Kumar swallowed 509 small fish through his mouth and blew them out of his nose within one hour.

Ok, that's just foul. There's one yoga move I don't wanna learn how to do.

The other night, as we were eating dinner, the Guinness Book of Records show was on. It showed a woman in her 50s (looked more like her 70s) who ate something like 2kg (4+ pounds) of dirt every day. Made us gag so much we had to change the channel. Now I know why we usually turn the tv off when we eat dinner.

And I thought my life was sometimes strange.

(I found all this stuff in The Age 'Odd Spot'.)

Thinking

I've found that I've been doing so much thinking lately, but I haven't felt at all inclined to actually talk or type or in any way vocalise my thoughts. I haven't made any phone calls, emailed anyone, chatted on line. Not for a good few weeks. I've just been think, think, thinking.

I read the blogs and message boards I visit at least daily, know what I'd like to say....and don't say anything at all. It's almost like I physically can't.

(edited to remove some stuff I promised not to share)

Of course, there are also the blogs that I read less frequently that I rarely comment on. I visit them because they're interesting, they offer a different perspective on life than mine, they keep me openminded to other peoples' lifestyles that I may not otherwise fully understand (such as Rae, Heidi, and Bill & Eve). But because they're different, I don't often relate (or maybe I do?) and therefore don't often really have anything intelligent to say. I know some of them read me and probably don't comment for the same reasons. I like the idea of someone having an interest in my life and in that respect, I hope that by visiting theirs, I'm saying to them, "I'm interested in your life too".

My life has changed in the last few months. I'm finding myself 'fitting in' in different areas and not quite fitting in anymore in others. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit anywhere. Tis the fluid nature of life, I suppose. We're meant to be constantly changing, adapting and growing. It's what we learn from it that counts.

Interestingly, I'm gravitating again towards older people, or people who've 'been there'. The book I mentioned to RisibleGirl in my last post, Becoming Your Own Parent, talks about certain ways to overcome adult child problems. One way is to develop a 'family of choice'. A person is responsible for finding at least 5 people who are recovering holistically and developing positive lifestyles. So find at least five people who you make your family of choice and hang around them. I need to start to do this. I'd like to think that includes online people in some way, because I know who I'd pick. You also need to make at least five lifestyle changes if you're going to recover. This one is tough, but I'm going to work on it too. What five to pick?

Maybe I'm also seeing things and people (and me) differently now. Could be that's why I'm doing so much thinking and not much of actually vocalising my thoughts. My perceptions are changing. Do I not like what I see anymore?

Or is it just that it's very close to my birthday and I'm starting to feel old again?