Talking about talking
I've read a few different messages posted on a particular board this week all with a common theme - things that should have been discussed prior to the couple getting involved, weren't, and now that the issues have come up, the posters are upset that their partner has reacted differently than they expected.
One woman didn't think she wanted kids, but didn't outright tell her husband before they got married. Now that they're married, he's putting pressure on her and she's decided she doesn't want kids at all. Her 'maybe some day' should have been a 'seriously doubt it'. Instead, her husband heard, 'maybe when I'm older'. That kind of ambiguity is dangerous.
Another woman had one child with her husband and asked him hypothetically if he'd like another one. He said no and that he'd expect her to get an abortion or they'd get divorced if she got pregnant again. Her issue was not that he didn't want another child, but rather his ultimatums if she got pregnant. She said they'd had ambiguous talks about the number of kids prior to marriage, but her husband's reaction has caused her to think less affectionately of him.
It beats me why people don't have these conversations right off the bat. Well, I know why they don't. They're the tough make or break conversations and most people would rather live in denial and think that when something comes up, "because we love each other, we'll work it out", rather than risking the relationship in the early stages and losing that warm, mushy feeling.
I made a point of telling C (I think I even went as far as putting it on my dating profile) that I had no intention of having kids and that if he wanted another one, we'd need to revisit things. If he'd have been adamant about wanting another child, I think I would have had to sadly walk away. The resentment that would have built later on would probably have caused irreparable damage anyway.
I just don't understand why people don't have these conversations and then make it the other person's fault that they didn't agree with their stance on a particular issue - whether it's to have kids or not, abortion, religious celebrations, finances, or whatever.
Granted C and I have had some difficulties lately, but that's been more stubbornness over a certain minor issue we both handled badly at times, not a major value or belief we differed over (well not like the ones above, as in it would have no serious long term effect once resolved). Yeah, it did almost break us, but it taught us a lot too.
The key is that we've discussed the major 'dealbreaker' issues and we're on the same page with those, so we can be content knowing that something as contentious as sorting out our finances or whether we have kids or not, are not going to be things that cause us resentment later on.
Obviously, there's the chance for curveballs to be thrown in over time, but that's life and you deal with them as they come up. The idea is to anticipate them beforehand so they're not so much of a shock when they occur.
I just can't comprehend starting a serious relationship with someone and not knowing (and being on the same page as) their stance. It's just heartache waiting to happen.
One woman didn't think she wanted kids, but didn't outright tell her husband before they got married. Now that they're married, he's putting pressure on her and she's decided she doesn't want kids at all. Her 'maybe some day' should have been a 'seriously doubt it'. Instead, her husband heard, 'maybe when I'm older'. That kind of ambiguity is dangerous.
Another woman had one child with her husband and asked him hypothetically if he'd like another one. He said no and that he'd expect her to get an abortion or they'd get divorced if she got pregnant again. Her issue was not that he didn't want another child, but rather his ultimatums if she got pregnant. She said they'd had ambiguous talks about the number of kids prior to marriage, but her husband's reaction has caused her to think less affectionately of him.
It beats me why people don't have these conversations right off the bat. Well, I know why they don't. They're the tough make or break conversations and most people would rather live in denial and think that when something comes up, "because we love each other, we'll work it out", rather than risking the relationship in the early stages and losing that warm, mushy feeling.
I made a point of telling C (I think I even went as far as putting it on my dating profile) that I had no intention of having kids and that if he wanted another one, we'd need to revisit things. If he'd have been adamant about wanting another child, I think I would have had to sadly walk away. The resentment that would have built later on would probably have caused irreparable damage anyway.
I just don't understand why people don't have these conversations and then make it the other person's fault that they didn't agree with their stance on a particular issue - whether it's to have kids or not, abortion, religious celebrations, finances, or whatever.
Granted C and I have had some difficulties lately, but that's been more stubbornness over a certain minor issue we both handled badly at times, not a major value or belief we differed over (well not like the ones above, as in it would have no serious long term effect once resolved). Yeah, it did almost break us, but it taught us a lot too.
The key is that we've discussed the major 'dealbreaker' issues and we're on the same page with those, so we can be content knowing that something as contentious as sorting out our finances or whether we have kids or not, are not going to be things that cause us resentment later on.
Obviously, there's the chance for curveballs to be thrown in over time, but that's life and you deal with them as they come up. The idea is to anticipate them beforehand so they're not so much of a shock when they occur.
I just can't comprehend starting a serious relationship with someone and not knowing (and being on the same page as) their stance. It's just heartache waiting to happen.
posted by E in Oz at 2:10 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 2:10 pm
2 Comments:
The funny thing is that people don't want to lose that "warm, mushy" feeling that normally goes away anyway.
This is also a tough one because what is major to one person may be minor to another. Especially when you take into consideration the core differences in male and female life perspectives.
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