Thunder
This whole deal about my furniture has turned into a big, dumb saga. I'd like to know what they'd have done if I didn't have the spare furniture. They'd find it somewhere else. Why is it now then that there are suddenly no other viable alternatives? Mum pulled the, "because we're family" thing on me. My head almost spun off my shoulders.
After I posted my last message, mum rang me back. Said she talked to my sister who told her there were no other options and they don't have second hand dealers near her place, so they need my stuff. Mum says, "can't you just once in your life get up an hour early and go meet the guys to give them your things?". This means I'd be getting up at 5am and leaving home at 6am to get to my storage place for 7am, hoping the guys really do turn up at that time. Wait for them to pack up my things, then head off to work. Ok, at 7.15am the last few days, there's been ICE on my car and it's dark and freezing cold. She really thinks I'm going to go out of my way to leave home at 6am, freezing my arse off to do something for someone ungrateful "because we're family".
Here's the thing. If it weren't for the difficulties that C and I have had the last week or two, then I would be *slightly* more comfortable with letting mum buy my furniture and work out how to meet the removal guys when it suits me. C doesn't get that his stupid behaviour recently is also weighing heavily on my decision. My counsellor told me to tell mum that I'd rather they find another alternative to using my furniture as C and I are still only a new couple and I'd like to hold onto my things for a while longer, till we're more settled. I tell mum. She says, "oh but you and C are doing well, aren't you? [Your brother] and [his girlfriend] like C and they think he's funny and he's lovely and her parents like him too. K really needs the stuff.... Besides, it wouldn't be good for the boy to keep having different stepmothers". WTF????
She honestly did not get my point at all. Then, "oh you're such a sweet and caring child..." Blah, freakin' blah. After what you just said ten minutes ago? OMG! Get what you want from me and you're singin' a different tune.
She's done me a favour in a way. I feel no inclination at all to contact her anymore. I couldn't tell you the last time I contacted my sister. I don't even really know exactly where she lives. She calls when she wants something. So between them, they've just about killed the last remaining emotion I had in a few brief moments. (Someone said in a comment about loving family. I never have. It's not an emotion I've ever felt towards my mother or any of my sisters. It's just not there in any form at all.)
C got home just as I finished typing my last post and had gotten off the phone to mum. He listened to everything that went on. He tries hard to relate and on some level, I'm sure he does. But his family is normal. They're happy, they get on, they help each other out. They're not perfect, but they're there for each other. He cannot possibly comprehend my situation. But he's loyal to me. He wanted to call and talk to my mother and tell her to back off and that my sister's not getting my furniture. He wanted to ring and defend me. If anything, it would have made things worse and I'm really at about my limit for the pressure I'm feeling, for various reasons.
He told me he loves me and that he would always back me no matter what. We had a really stupid weekend, but he's bent over backwards since then to do the right thing by me. It doesn't fix some dumb things that have gone on, but right now it's reassuring and that's what I need the most.
I've half decided that next week I'll organise with the removal guys to go get the furniture. I have the week off, but I'm not telling anyone. I'll go during the day, when it suits me. I'll sell my mum the furniture for a price I'd get if I sold it on ebay. I need this to just be over.
Then I'll tackle how much contact I'm really comfortable with, with my mum, in order to get some peace in my life.
Once my stuff has gone I could get a smaller storage unit or move some stuff from our house into the extra space there. I'll have some extra cash to put into my savings. And the other thing it's going to do for me is take away one more piece of the "I still have all my stuff, so I can bail out any time" security blanket. The first was when I gave up my lease in February. This is just another chip away at it. I have to make a choice. My choice is to be confident in the strength of my relationship and of C's support of me....even when he's said really stupid things to undermine my confidence recently. I have to have faith. I don't like the circumstances I've been put in, in order to trust this relationship, but it is how it is and I'll cope.
Man, I have a LOT of things to discuss with the counsellor tonight!
After I posted my last message, mum rang me back. Said she talked to my sister who told her there were no other options and they don't have second hand dealers near her place, so they need my stuff. Mum says, "can't you just once in your life get up an hour early and go meet the guys to give them your things?". This means I'd be getting up at 5am and leaving home at 6am to get to my storage place for 7am, hoping the guys really do turn up at that time. Wait for them to pack up my things, then head off to work. Ok, at 7.15am the last few days, there's been ICE on my car and it's dark and freezing cold. She really thinks I'm going to go out of my way to leave home at 6am, freezing my arse off to do something for someone ungrateful "because we're family".
Here's the thing. If it weren't for the difficulties that C and I have had the last week or two, then I would be *slightly* more comfortable with letting mum buy my furniture and work out how to meet the removal guys when it suits me. C doesn't get that his stupid behaviour recently is also weighing heavily on my decision. My counsellor told me to tell mum that I'd rather they find another alternative to using my furniture as C and I are still only a new couple and I'd like to hold onto my things for a while longer, till we're more settled. I tell mum. She says, "oh but you and C are doing well, aren't you? [Your brother] and [his girlfriend] like C and they think he's funny and he's lovely and her parents like him too. K really needs the stuff.... Besides, it wouldn't be good for the boy to keep having different stepmothers". WTF????
She honestly did not get my point at all. Then, "oh you're such a sweet and caring child..." Blah, freakin' blah. After what you just said ten minutes ago? OMG! Get what you want from me and you're singin' a different tune.
She's done me a favour in a way. I feel no inclination at all to contact her anymore. I couldn't tell you the last time I contacted my sister. I don't even really know exactly where she lives. She calls when she wants something. So between them, they've just about killed the last remaining emotion I had in a few brief moments. (Someone said in a comment about loving family. I never have. It's not an emotion I've ever felt towards my mother or any of my sisters. It's just not there in any form at all.)
C got home just as I finished typing my last post and had gotten off the phone to mum. He listened to everything that went on. He tries hard to relate and on some level, I'm sure he does. But his family is normal. They're happy, they get on, they help each other out. They're not perfect, but they're there for each other. He cannot possibly comprehend my situation. But he's loyal to me. He wanted to call and talk to my mother and tell her to back off and that my sister's not getting my furniture. He wanted to ring and defend me. If anything, it would have made things worse and I'm really at about my limit for the pressure I'm feeling, for various reasons.
He told me he loves me and that he would always back me no matter what. We had a really stupid weekend, but he's bent over backwards since then to do the right thing by me. It doesn't fix some dumb things that have gone on, but right now it's reassuring and that's what I need the most.
I've half decided that next week I'll organise with the removal guys to go get the furniture. I have the week off, but I'm not telling anyone. I'll go during the day, when it suits me. I'll sell my mum the furniture for a price I'd get if I sold it on ebay. I need this to just be over.
Then I'll tackle how much contact I'm really comfortable with, with my mum, in order to get some peace in my life.
Once my stuff has gone I could get a smaller storage unit or move some stuff from our house into the extra space there. I'll have some extra cash to put into my savings. And the other thing it's going to do for me is take away one more piece of the "I still have all my stuff, so I can bail out any time" security blanket. The first was when I gave up my lease in February. This is just another chip away at it. I have to make a choice. My choice is to be confident in the strength of my relationship and of C's support of me....even when he's said really stupid things to undermine my confidence recently. I have to have faith. I don't like the circumstances I've been put in, in order to trust this relationship, but it is how it is and I'll cope.
Man, I have a LOT of things to discuss with the counsellor tonight!
posted by E in Oz at 10:14 am
these thoughts escaped my brain at 10:14 am
4 Comments:
Actually, beyond the point that those people will never change, I disagree with indifferenceengine (did I get that right?) 110%.
First of all, you are your own adult and don't need to prove it by giving or not giving them your stuff.
Second, if you don't love them, (I really only know bits and pieces) then why else would you ever tolerate this crap? If you honestly feel the need to get rid of the "security blanket," you can always have a garage sale or list them in the classifieds. Or donate them to charity, where someone will appreciate it.
Heck, I love my brother and sis in law to pieces but I still said no when asked if they could live in my place while I'm away.
It's the uncharitable part of me that's part the reason why I will give up my stuff to my sister. I want the money. I've been stalling about going down there, taking photos and doing something about getting rid of it. This way is convenient in that it pushes me to get rid of everything, but I'm getting money at the same time. I get some strange, warped satisfaction to think that they're paying me for it...like paying me for all the crap they've put me through.
I'm being stubborn and I could make it easier for myself if I wanted to, but if I'm never going to get a thanks for it, then money will have to do.
I know it's illogical in a lot of ways. I can't really explain it.
I understand. I really do. I mentioned this in the 'dark' blog one time. I still felt a need to sort of keep ties to certain people because "just in case" things don't work out with Hubby. Like you, I always have a back up plan and I suspect it comes from having so many years of being abandoned.
Logically, I *know* that I don't need this back up plan and keeping the family around for the 'just in case' makes NO sense at all because they were never there in the first place.
You'll do what you need to do when you're ready.
I have very little constructive I can say, but I did want to say this, as far as whether or not you feel 'love' for family members, and the motivation for your actions.
I do not love my dad. I did at one time, but I don't now and I haven't for a long time.
A reason people often put up with poor treatment from people that they don't love, just because they're family, is that big old GUILT word. It's the 'they're family, I'm supposed to... fill in the blank: love them, help them, like them, enjoy them, talk to them, seek them out, etc. Or the 'if I cut them off people will think...' or even 'if I don't do this, then that makes me...'
For many people, there's also the thought that if lightning were to strike, and the people were to change for the better, would we have closed the door on a relationship? What if we need something ourselves one day and we have no one to fall back on besides family?
We hear so often that family always has to be there for us, that even when we don't really believe it, it can be a safety blanket, a parachute, to know that if we then need them, we can rely on them. But if we've not been there for them, who else is there if we hit rock bottom?
I'm not saying all or necessarily any of this is what's in your head, E, just that there are so many complications when it comes to family... it's the hardest place to create boundaries for a lot of people.
You have my love and my hopes. xo
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