Thanks babe.

I showed C the new photo I put on my blog (well I showed him the photo...he still hasn't been to my blog). He said I looked like I was behind a curtain. Um..that's my hair.

Then he said it looked like one side was a curtain and the other side looked like a horse's tail.

"So you're saying I look like a horse's arse?"

"No, you shouldn't think about where your head is in relation to the horse's tail, I'm just saying it looks like a horse's tail."

Hmmmmmm.....

Thunder

This whole deal about my furniture has turned into a big, dumb saga. I'd like to know what they'd have done if I didn't have the spare furniture. They'd find it somewhere else. Why is it now then that there are suddenly no other viable alternatives? Mum pulled the, "because we're family" thing on me. My head almost spun off my shoulders.

After I posted my last message, mum rang me back. Said she talked to my sister who told her there were no other options and they don't have second hand dealers near her place, so they need my stuff. Mum says, "can't you just once in your life get up an hour early and go meet the guys to give them your things?". This means I'd be getting up at 5am and leaving home at 6am to get to my storage place for 7am, hoping the guys really do turn up at that time. Wait for them to pack up my things, then head off to work. Ok, at 7.15am the last few days, there's been ICE on my car and it's dark and freezing cold. She really thinks I'm going to go out of my way to leave home at 6am, freezing my arse off to do something for someone ungrateful "because we're family".

Here's the thing. If it weren't for the difficulties that C and I have had the last week or two, then I would be *slightly* more comfortable with letting mum buy my furniture and work out how to meet the removal guys when it suits me. C doesn't get that his stupid behaviour recently is also weighing heavily on my decision. My counsellor told me to tell mum that I'd rather they find another alternative to using my furniture as C and I are still only a new couple and I'd like to hold onto my things for a while longer, till we're more settled. I tell mum. She says, "oh but you and C are doing well, aren't you? [Your brother] and [his girlfriend] like C and they think he's funny and he's lovely and her parents like him too. K really needs the stuff.... Besides, it wouldn't be good for the boy to keep having different stepmothers". WTF????

She honestly did not get my point at all. Then, "oh you're such a sweet and caring child..." Blah, freakin' blah. After what you just said ten minutes ago? OMG! Get what you want from me and you're singin' a different tune.

She's done me a favour in a way. I feel no inclination at all to contact her anymore. I couldn't tell you the last time I contacted my sister. I don't even really know exactly where she lives. She calls when she wants something. So between them, they've just about killed the last remaining emotion I had in a few brief moments. (Someone said in a comment about loving family. I never have. It's not an emotion I've ever felt towards my mother or any of my sisters. It's just not there in any form at all.)

C got home just as I finished typing my last post and had gotten off the phone to mum. He listened to everything that went on. He tries hard to relate and on some level, I'm sure he does. But his family is normal. They're happy, they get on, they help each other out. They're not perfect, but they're there for each other. He cannot possibly comprehend my situation. But he's loyal to me. He wanted to call and talk to my mother and tell her to back off and that my sister's not getting my furniture. He wanted to ring and defend me. If anything, it would have made things worse and I'm really at about my limit for the pressure I'm feeling, for various reasons.

He told me he loves me and that he would always back me no matter what. We had a really stupid weekend, but he's bent over backwards since then to do the right thing by me. It doesn't fix some dumb things that have gone on, but right now it's reassuring and that's what I need the most.

I've half decided that next week I'll organise with the removal guys to go get the furniture. I have the week off, but I'm not telling anyone. I'll go during the day, when it suits me. I'll sell my mum the furniture for a price I'd get if I sold it on ebay. I need this to just be over.

Then I'll tackle how much contact I'm really comfortable with, with my mum, in order to get some peace in my life.

Once my stuff has gone I could get a smaller storage unit or move some stuff from our house into the extra space there. I'll have some extra cash to put into my savings. And the other thing it's going to do for me is take away one more piece of the "I still have all my stuff, so I can bail out any time" security blanket. The first was when I gave up my lease in February. This is just another chip away at it. I have to make a choice. My choice is to be confident in the strength of my relationship and of C's support of me....even when he's said really stupid things to undermine my confidence recently. I have to have faith. I don't like the circumstances I've been put in, in order to trust this relationship, but it is how it is and I'll cope.

Man, I have a LOT of things to discuss with the counsellor tonight!

Close to snapping

My sister called again to find out if a removalist had called me. Yep, he did, but since the time I could get to my storage place and the hours they work didn't match, there was nothing they or I could do. So she hangs up.

Five minutes later my mum rings me telling me how my sister rang her in tears and that I was being cold and nasty and that I'm cruel and going to turn out like (my father), who, by the way, is the nicest, most caring person.

I say it'd be nice for someone to thank me if I'm going to give my sister my stuff. Mum says I'm being mean and that I told my sister to not call me. No, I told my sister to get the transport guys to call me because it was stupid to go through my sister to work out the details.

Then I almost fall over. My mum starts crying about how my poor sister has tried so hard and has lost everything and I have everything and I have someone to look after me and she has nothing. She said, about my sister, "she's my baby, she's my first born I'm just so sad". WTF about your youngest daughter, who nobody in the family has ever helped?? Then, apparently I lied to her about not having a lounge suite. No, I said I might be giving it to someone else, but I never said I didn't have one. So now it looks like I'm furnishing my sister's whole house.

My middle sister owes K money. K was going to use that to pay for the transport of my stuff. I'm like, "well don't you think it might be an idea that instead of spending that money to transport my stuff 4 or 5 hours, that she might get more use out of it buy going to a second hand place in her town and finding something there and having it shipped for $20?" That, according to mum, will appear to my sister that I am mean and don't want to help. Well, partially, but it's a much more freakin smart and practical idea than what they expect to happen right now.

Then mum says the house she's buying has a leather lounge that she's going to send my sister (two states away). I say well why not sell the damn thing and send her the money rather than spending money to send it to her? Huh? Is that too hard to freakin work out?

OMG, I am so mad and I can't believe that, at 45, my sister is still calling my mum to tell on me when what she hears isn't what she wants.

I swear I'm about one conversation away from putting it all down on paper and telling them all to pull their heads in.

Because I can

Just because Monica did

Technical probs?

I put a new pic in my profile (albeit a little blurry), but it's not showing on here, unless you click on the picture and it takes you to the profile.

Why can't I see it here? *pouts*

update ***call off the fire brigade...now it's showing***

Family - part 4

I've proven now that I've figured out how to get the photos off my phone and onto the computer, so back now to regular broadcasting.

This one is slightly different to my previous 'family' posts, because it's to do with a current situation, not something that happened while I was growing up (although history does play a part in as much as it affects how I'm reacting to it all now).

My eldest sister is nothing like me at all. She's all about 'poor me' and how hard done by she is, when in fact she does nothing to better herself or her situation, so I feel no pity for her in that regard. She always has something wrong with her, or something major has gone wrong in her life and she needs bailing out.

So...my mum rings one day a few weeks ago. Tells me that K's shed burnt down and she and her bf lost all their belongings. Of course, the shed wasn't insured, so they can't replace anything (and this is the 3rd time that bf has had a place that's burnt down..hmmm). They don't have jobs, or those jobs are part time if they do (because she's always sick or the boss laid them off or something....you know, it's always someone else's fault), so they don't have the money to buy new stuff. In addition, the person who was letting them rent his house just coincidentally chose this time to tell them he needed his fridge and washing machine back.

Mum asks me if I've already sold my fridge and washing machine, which she knows I have in storage, because I don't need them at C's place. I say no and can see where this is headed. Mum says can I give them to K, "because she has nothing and they're destitute". She says she'll pay me for them as soon as her house sells (mum has no money, but her house is on the market, because she bought a new one with my brother), but not to tell K that she was buying them from me. Whatever. I mumble semi-agreement, but don't say how much I want for them. I mean seriously, do I ask for less than I would have originally asked if I e-bayed them and end up more out of pocket because I know mum has no money to afford them, or do I ask for what I would have sold them for to someone else and be the bad guy? It's not a situation I can be comfortable with either way.

K rings. In tears. Tells me that she's lost everything, including all the photos of her daughter (my niece in Italy). I am so ridiculously unemotional about this that it is almost scary. I feel bad for my niece, but not my sister. How screwed up is that? Anyway, she asks about me getting the items to her. At no stage since then has she once said thanks for helping out. Last week I finally asked her if she knew mum was actually buying these from me and that I wasn't just giving them to her. She said yes immediately, which told me that she didn't know that at all.

In the midst of all of this, all this drama with C has started. He's said twice things that make me want to sit on this situation for a while and not do anything about it. Meanwhile, my mum and my sister continually bother me about how I am going to organise for my stuff to get to her place, which happens to be a few hours drive from here. She finally organised a transport company to pick up the stuff from the storage facility, but that company only works from 7am to 4pm during the week. Not exactly practical, when the earliest I can get there from where I work is 5pm, or the weekend. I will not go out of my way to accommodate her.

My mother then gets on the phone (remember she has no money) and says, "well maybe I should fly down there so the guys can get the stuff out". Um yeah, with no money, and then what? I'd have to drive you there anyway, which means I'd be there myself to do it, it's a waste of money and such a dumb idea, but apparently I'm the bad guy because I can't be there when it suits everyone else. Hey guys, this is me doing everyone else a favour here...if I do.

Mum rang me last night to tell me that she's signed a contract on her house and that, if the people get their finance approved, her house will be sold by Friday and she'll be moving by the 18th. Part of me thinks this is good, because she'll have cash and she can then send K some money to buy her own damn fridge and washing machine. Incidentally, the money that K is spending on transport to get these damn things to her could easily be just as well spent going to some kind of second hand goods store and buying something herself, just to get by in the interim till they can get something more adequate. But hey, that's just me thinking rationally.

Meanwhile, mum asks me about my doctors appointments. I don't normally tell her much because she gets all 'poor you' on me and I hate it. I can look after myself. Sure, I have some health issues, but I'm not going to roll over and fall to pieces because of it. Life still goes on. Anyway, she pushed me about my last appointment and I had to tell her about the overnight at hospital coming up on the 11th. How on earth she didn't know before now that I have narcolepsy spins me out. I've told her before. She says, "But you don't just fall asleep in your cereal, do you? You poor thing". "No mum, it's mild. I'm just tired all the time."

The next bit absolutely pissed me off no end. She says, "K has that as well". I say no, she has sleep apnoea. (K is extremely overweight, doesn't eat right, doesn't exercise and smokes.) Mum then proceeds to tell me about an incident where K told her she fell asleep at a bus stop for a number of hours and missed her bus. Yep, that obviously means she has narcolepsy. So I held the phone away from me and said to C, "you know how K always has to have everything simply because I do, well now she has narcolepsy as well". Ooops. Mum heard me. In a way, I don't care, but she got all defensive. "K doesn't have it just because you do. I don't know why everyone is so cruel to her. She's the nicest person and would do anything for anyone...etc etc etc". She forgets that K forged her signature on something and almost lost mum her house a number of years ago. She forgets that I had a national credit company on my case for a while because of a $2,200 debt that K ran up in my name, for which she's never apologised. She forgets a lot of the bad stuff K has done.

Then she tells me that she only just found out that K "died for 3 minutes" when she had a hernia operation a few years ago. She and K have both told me in the last week that K is bleeding internally because something or other has happened to the hernia. Whatever. I said, well if she's bleeding internally she should be in hospital. Oh no, they'd only make her lie down and she can do that at home. Um...in hospital they can operate and fix the problem if it's that bad. Nope. Apparently, she's just had pneumonia as well, so they can't operate on her for 6 weeks.

I have no sympathy and I don't care. This is just so much ridiculous drama and it's always been that way with my sister that I'm to the point where she's cried wolf so many times that I don't believe one ounce of what comes out her mouth.

I don't want to give her my fridge and washing machine. I know it sounds a bit petty, but she hasn't managed to say thanks once in the last few weeks and I'm tired of feeling like I'm always bailing everyone else out and being taken advantage of.

I'm not sure what to do. One of my other sisters owes K some money. I feel like telling K to buy some new stuff with that money, or get mum to buy it and she can pay her back. I just don't want to give my stuff to someone (even if mum pays for it) who will ultimately be completely ungrateful about it.

What would you do?

This afternoon

Sunset


first smile in a few days


clouds

More sage advice...

Following up on this note to self, I'm here to say that you should never attempt to eat 2 minute noodles without the seasoning they give you in the pack. If you find the seasoning to be hard and dry, because the pack was open and the air got in, it is not a good idea to add a chicken stock cube and Italian herbs instead.

And if you decide to go against this sage advice and find that you should have listened to me, after the first mouthful, let me tell you now that the taste does not improve the more you eat of it.

Some days....

you just shouldn't get out of bed....

Yeah yeah...

It's me and I kept this one up just to humour you all. hehe

I'm glad I got to show you 'board girls' just briefly what the other two in my wacky trio look like. The boy doesn't want pics of el kiddo on the net though, so I have to respect that.

Anyway, that was 'us' for a brief moment in cyberspace. Maybe next time I'm up at this ungodly hour I'll have some more to share.

I'm such a cheap date

Sometimes I think C should be so lucky he's with me. His last gf got around with a 5carat diamond on her hand (which he said must have made other guys think he was the richest guy out), and basically pranced around like she was money (my impression from things he's told me).

Me? I couldn't care less about having my nails painted, wearing makeup etc (gotta have mascara though, or I'd look like I was dead with no eyelashes), and I know my own worth without having to have a bunch of sparkly adornments dripping off me for the world to see.

So he rang me at work on Tuesday afternoon. "Wanna go on a date?" Sure. He tells me we can go see Star Wars at 6pm, or the next time is quite late and we'd get home late. Six it is. But I say, "but baby, you're taking me on a date. Aren't you gonna feed me too?" He responds about us not having much time. "But I don't wanna starve. You can take me to McD's for a nice romantic meal deal." Actually, no, I'm not that cheap.

We both got to the cinema about 5.15. Next door is one of those cool 50s diners with red leather booth seats and little juke boxes on the tables. We had milkshakes and hamburgers. REAL hamburgers. The type where you can see it's real pieces of tomato, lettuce, cheese, and pickles, with buns that are not big enough to hold the insides, and where the sauce drips down your arm to your elbow. And it cost us less than it would have cost us to go to McD's.

Since we'd taken two cars to get there, I stopped on the way home after the movie to buy cat food (I am sooo not a responsible parent and always forget they need to be fed too).

By the time I'd gotten home, he was running a bath with bubbles, candles, soft music, and had the heater on (because it's getting damn cold here these days).

Honestly, it doesn't take much at all to make me happy and he knows exactly how to do it.

I don't need him to spend (see: waste) a whole bunch of money to impress me. Gimme a hamburger, a movie and a hot bath and I'm content. What more do ya need?

What's your ideal 'cheap date'?

And to all my blog readers...

....I leave my.....

Ever wondered what they are gonna do to you when you die? Or what you'd like done?

The other day on the radio, they were discussing the pros and cons of cremation or burial. In part of the conversation, one person rang in and said that someone in their family had asked that his ashes be spread outside the door of his favourite pub so that when people walked in, they could walk him back in again. Another wanted the standard 'toss my ashes out to sea' thing.

I don't know what I'd like done with me. I can't decide between burial and cremation. In all honesty, I don't want to think about it. I feel like it's tempting fate in some way....I'm not exactly ready for it to happen just yet, so I don't want to announce how I want to go or what I want done with my leftover bits when I'm gone.

But, being the curious cat that I am, I wondered what everyone else's thoughts on this are. Is there somewhere special you'd like your ashes cast? Would you prefer to be buried? Would you like a huge wake, or are you more the sedate ceremony kinda person?

How do you want to go and what do you think you'd be remembered for?

Counselling - round 1

Not really round one, since we already went together two Fridays ago, but it was round one for me by myself.

I thought I was going to lose it. I thought I was going to find it really difficult to talk about things. It was, but not in the way I expected.

I didn't know where to start. That was my problem. So I started with an issue that I'm dealing with now, with my mother and my eldest sister (long story that I'll maybe post about separately for opinions). This issue relates directly to the problem that C and I were having, because it's about giving my sister some of my furniture, me feeling taken advantage of, and me wondering if I'm going to need the furniture myself. Anyway...

I also talked about 'the incident'. There are so many things about that day that I simply don't remember. Part of me has always felt guilty and like I won't be taken seriously about it because I don't remember a lot of things exactly. Then again, there are things I remember absolutely and make it very real. I got teary. It's hard not to. But I also felt very detached in a way that's hard to explain. The counsellor said it's actually more common for people to not remember a lot, so that made me feel (slightly) better.

Interestingly, I discovered that I'm really having a harder time dealing with my family issues than that particular moment in time. In fact, she said I was dealing with it pretty well. I do have some triggers that are unrelated on the surface and hard to explain, but I talked to her and I've spoken to C about those and it's something we can work on over time....well, something I can help C to be aware of.

We did talk a lot about sex, but it was relative. And about intimacy. Not in terms of sex, but moreso about having that connection with C in which we can talk to each other about things and not feel like there'll be some sort of negative recrimination for doing so. We already have this and made a conscious decision from the beginning to do that and it's comforting to know we're doing things the 'right way' (if there's such a thing).

But back to my family. I have a lot of bitterness and resentment about being left in a situation in which my brother and I had no support and no role models. I wonder why my sisters never offered even the slightest moral support (although it's clearly obvious now why they left and moved away at 15 and 16 or thereabouts, like I did, but still...). I wonder why my mother left us in a position for so long that warranted putting us on the back steps in the middle of the night, shutting the door and making us wait there for our sister to come pick us up so we didn't see the fighting and physical abuse that went on. I wonder why it never occured to anyone that we might be better off living with my dad. I wonder why he didn't offer (or if he did offer) for us to go live with him. I wonder why nobody has ever given a damn about asking us if we feel we came through it all ok. No. I didn't. And I don't think my brother did either. I know he's still dealing with it too. We rarely talk about it and only skirt around the subject when we do, but I know he shares some of my resentment.

So, yep, I'm more angry about it all than I thought I was. And I'm in a bit of turmoil in relation to my dad. In my mind, he's never done anything wrong by my brother and I. He's always been supportive and done the best he could. But now these thoughts of 'couldn't/shouldn't he have....' have been entering my mind and I almost feel guilty for starting to think in negative terms about how he parented us.

It's more apparent now because of my relationship with C and how I see his relationship with A. C and A think the world of each other and C is so conscious of A's needs (physically, emotionally etc), and A spends whole weekends with us in a really positive, caring environment. My brother and I spent one night per week with my dad, and it was one of the two nights per week that dad worked, so we had to share him with his students in the short time we did have. It makes me wonder why this arrangement was made. I tend to think it was my mother's doing and part of an attempt to have us spend less time with dad, since she was the queen of parental alienation. But wouldn't he have done something to change that, if he wanted to?

You see what I mean? I'm getting to the point where something's gonna give and when it does, it's not going to be pleasant. It's been a long time coming and is very needed in some respects, but it's not something I'm willing to deal with in full if it's something that's going to negatively impact my relationship with my dad, because his is one of the few relationships in my family that I want to remain in tact.

My mother, my sisters....that's something else completely and I'm not sure what's going to happen, or the repercussions of it, but I can feel it happening soon.

I need to sort out this shit, because I need to be in a comfortable place with me in order to have the relationship that I deserve and that C and I can have together.

And my guy rocks so much. I am so grateful for him....even when he's doing his best to convince me he's really devil spawn. I guess that's the reason I wanted so much for us (me) to go to counselling. Because the devil spawn guy isn't really him. It's just a product of his and my pasts clashing and neither of us relating to what the other has been through, so it makes it harder to see the other's point of view as easily as it might had we been from similar backgrounds.

So I'm going back to counselling on Friday and she said C could come this time too, like I originally wanted. She said most people feel less comfortable with their partner there, but I'll feel better with him there, because it'll give me a chance to let him hear things that I may not otherwise be able to explain to him.

Overall, I'm feeling better in a lot of ways, but unsettled in others. Am I really ready to say things that are going to cause major upheaval in my whole family? That's the question. And I don't yet know the answer.

And now...about us

Last week sucked. The last couple of weeks have been....tense. The ridiculous thing about it all is that we really don't have any major problems. We're both very good at talking things through and explaining our position. Unfortunately, we got ourselves hung up on a topic that we're probably not going to ever see completely from each other's point of view. It's the only point of contention between us. But it's not even the problem. Our problem is that once we start to get into this topic, we stop talking about the topic and focus on just trying to get our point across and make the other person listen. Ironically, we have great communication skills, but our individual skills don't work with each other. We have to change how we disagree. Not necessarily so we always agree on things, but so that we can stick to the subject at hand and get some sort of resolution instead of us both getting so frustrated with each other that he thinks I'm irrational and I think he needs a good smack with an iron pot.

But like I said, we don't have any major problems. LOL

Last week makes it three major arguments since we've met. Not bad, but how we handle them is obviously not good.

After he said, "we're breaking up", we actually had a pretty good, calm conversation about things. That was Thursday night. On Friday night, we went to counselling. The lady was great and we both felt really comfortable with her. I was in part feeling completely insecure and I was wondering where everything was heading. But at the same time, I was completely confident that things would be ok, because there was no justifiable reason to break up.

The counsellor said it was nice to see a couple come in who were sitting close, holding hands and smiling and laughing with each other. I assume it'd surprise most people that we were like that. Maybe it's testament to how well we really do work together. I was nervous, because I didn't know what C really was thinking, but I knew what he felt. That's probably what kept me so calm.

Saturday was strange. He was very affectionate and we slept in. At lunchtime we went clothes shopping for me (and if you've been reading a while you'll know it's my pet hate). In the evening we went to dinner with Ian (who we think rocks), then to the football with Ian, my brother and a friend of his. Of course, our team lost, but we're getting used to that the last couple of years.

I think I mentioned in the comments of one of my posts that C said he wished he never said what he did. I wish he didn't too. But it's done now. He asked me (the confined space of the car for a few hours probably did us some good) to not think of us as being on shaky ground, but acknowledged that's easier said than done. I'm ok. A little wary perhaps and maybe second guessing things I shouldn't, but that's understandable too. This relationship stuff takes work. At least now we've openly stated that we're both prepared to do what it takes.

One counselling session does not a problem fix, although for me, it reiterated that we're good together....even when we're bad. What one counselling session did for us though, was more than we expected. It brought up stuff about my past. At the time, I was bothered by the fact that the counsellor seemed to think that me working on my issues was more important than us working on our issues. Panic about whether or not you are soon going to have a roof over your head can do that to you.

So this week, on Friday, I'm going by myself. When I agreed to that, I really didn't want to. I was more concerned with saving my relationship. (We have a counselling session lined up for a week or so, through C's work, so we might use that to resolve 'us' stuff.) Now I see that the relationship will survive for a while without intense counselling, so I'm ok with fronting up on Friday and talking about me.

Actually, I'm not ok with that. I'm ok with the fact that we're good and not in immediate need of super therapy. I'm not ok with digging up stuff I haven't really discussed about me in depth with anyone before....certainly not to the extent of deep analysis. Yep, I've had counselling before, but managed to vaguely dance around issues that I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with. I mean, when I deal with them, what's it going to do to me? Is it going to change me? For better? For worse? How's it going to affect me in my relationship? How's it going to affect the way I see the world? Am I fundamentally me because of who I was created to be? Or am I me because of the experiences that I've had and will sorting those out make me someone different? Someone I'm not. These are the things that worry me.

Crazy as it sounds after last week, I'm so stupidly happy with C. I couldn't ask for someone better. And we're doing fine. He's lying beside me in bed, reading Bill Bryson, the cats are doing their best to push us both out of bed and get themselves under the covers....and I'm sitting here at an odd angle so the boy can't see the kooky stuff that comes out of my head at this late time of night.

I should now say thanks to everyone for your thoughts and friendship. It means a lot to me. And I know C appreciates it too. Without me getting it all out here, he'd probably be living with a neurotic, over-thinking nutcase. Ok...so he is. But I'm not that neurotic.

Walhalla

The friends we went to visit over the weekend live in the south eastern part of the state, about 3 hours away from us. There's a little gold mining town on the way there, that we visited. It's called Walhalla. It's literally in the middle of nowhere on a road that goes nowhere else (to leave, you have to turn around and go back the way you came in). It's very old, very quaint and damn cold! Surprisingly, it didn't feel all that cold while we were driving there, even though we had the top down on the car. It was just on 11C (about 51.8F). Of course, once we got out of the car, we realised our hands and faces were pretty chilly.

Walhalla only recently got electricity. In 1998. Hard to believe really, but in a way, it's good, because the whole town still has that old world gold mining town feel about it. There were little signs outside most of the buildings about the history of each. It amused us that most of them said something along the lines of, "original building burnt down in 18...". We were like, man this was not a safe place to be living. Pretty, but not safe. Then we finally saw a sign that explained that there had been a big fire that had swept through the town (and got all the buildings that hadn't already caught fire individually at some stage). Nice to know it wasn't just an arsonist who had a lifelong hobby.

This is a photo of the Millhouse, which now, apparently, is a b&b. Talk about rustic!



About the funniest thing we saw was a place where an old hotel used to be, that had a sign out the front saying that a cow had managed to walk through the door on the third floor (yeah, work that out), and had to be led down through the second and first levels and out the front door to make it leave. We think they really led it down to the kitchen, but we'll never know for sure.

We only spent an hour or so in Walhalla, but if we'd have had more time, we would have done some of the more touristy things, like a gold mine tour, and had a better look in some of the old buildings. Next time, we'll take more time. I'd never heard of this little town before, but I think it's well worth the effort for anyone who's travelling through the Gippsland region to have a look.

It might look innocent, but it's not!

Not much time to post right now, but I thought I'd get this one out, because I think this photo is funny and because I know Ian has been waiting on the edge of his seat for an update.

This llama, which looks more like a freaky hand puppet in this photo, was a seriously paranoid fellow. His job is to protect our friend's sheep from foxes. He was a bit over protective though, and it took a while for me to get up the guts to get close enough to him to feed him. I did eventually and thought myself very brave for doing so.

As far as llamas go, he's fairly small. Yes, they apparently can grow to be more than 7 feet tall. I don't think I'd have let him eat out of my hand if he was that big. It was bad enough thinking he was going to spit at me the entire time. I think it decided not to, in fear of its own personal safety...I wouldn't have been too happy with it if it felt inclined to spit on us. C took the easy way out and said he had to stay a distance away to take the photos. Hmmm.....


This one makes me look more scared of the animals than I was. Really, they were so keen to be patted that I was standing back so I didn't get knocked over by the gate, because they kept pushing against it.



Not sure if you can tell, but the sheeps' wool was so long it looked like they had dreadlocks, so I was calling them rasta sheep all weekend. Hehe, yes, I'm lame, I know.

Oh...and please disregard the fact that you can see my underwear in this shot. Sigh...that happens when you go away for the weekend and pack the wrong stuff. :-/

More on us later and a longer update on where we went while we were away...

For those who visit message boards...

How many posters to a message board does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post the fact that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
2 to post reasons why the light bulb burning out is the result of a government conspiracy.
4 to say "didn't we cover this a few months ago?"
43 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs"
5 to say "thank you"
1 lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Watch this space....

Updates, including our rendevous with a guard llama - and photos....coming soon!

Tightrope walking

Funny how things can change literally overnight.

We were talking last night about an issue we've been trying to resolve for a little while now. The issue always becomes the secondary problem and the problem becomes that we just stop communicating properly and we end up in a big mess.

So last night he says, "well it doesn't matter anymore, because we're breaking up". Can't say I've ever been so blindsided before. At the same time, I'm surprised that I wasn't more....not sure what the word is....but I was strangely calm.

We talked about some stuff; what was bothering each of us. It's my opinion that the things that are issues now are only issues now (and are a culmination of a bunch of things that are all happening at once, making things seem worse than they probably really are) and once they've been dealt with (and obviously we need help addressing that), then we'll be fine. I think he agreed with that.

Prior to this, I'd already made an appointment to for us to see a counsellor tonight (can you say 'premonition'?), so we are going to talk things through with her.

It ended up ok last night. We sat together and watched Lost (yeah, we have screwed up priorities) and then talked a little more after that. In the middle of the night, he woke up and said he promised to try to make things work. He actually held me tighter and longer during the night than we have in a while. I have to say I was surprised...although I'm not sure why (and I know that doesn't make sense). Most nights we'll hold hands while we sleep, or I'll sleep on his shoulder, but it was more than that, which is reassuring in a way.

I'm a bit dazed, but I'm more ok than I would have anticipated. Things were ok when I left this morning. Hopefully talking with another person will help us get back on track.

Someone give me some words of wisdom?

You know it's bad when

you're so tired and so bored, you can't even be bothered surfing the net to kill time.

I...just...want...to...sleep.

We had literally everyone in our street (our two next door neighbours on either side) over to dinner last night. I'm surprised I didn't fall face first into my chicken.

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Uh oh

My blog comes up as the number two listing when you type 'kalliope' into a google search (or at least it did for one person)...and I only discovered that by going through the 'recent visitor activity' on statcounter.

Not sure if I like that, to be honest!

But then, the fact that someone found me by typing in "australia $2 peep shows masturbate" should surely be more disturbing. :-/ Mmmm...nice.

Reiteration

I've never liked Russell Crowe. I find him egotistical, self centred, arrogant, overly opinionated, and he doesn't sing very well either. Nothing like saying how I really feel, huh?

And he's got himself in more hot water now, by having a hissy fit and throwing a phone at a hotel employee because he couldn't get it to work to call his wife. Ok, so the hotel phone doesn't work. Use your freaking mobile phone, you anger-possessed doofus! You have the money. You can afford the bill. You're in a fancy-shmancy hotel, so I think a call back to AU is not gonna break the bank.

I hope he gets charged and made to do an intense anger management course as part of his punishment.

While he's at it, he should really reconsider those sunglasses too. Looks like something Eric Estrada wore back in the days of C.H.I.P.S.

Idiot.

...and he's not even a real Aussie.

Analyse this...

I had a dream the other night, that I can't remember all of. As a bit of background, my cats catch little marsh frogs (about an inch long) in our back garden, and bring them inside for me as presents. They don't ever kill them unless I don't notice they've got one and they play with it for too long. Mostly, it means catching the frog and taking it to the marsh down the road.

Anyway, part of my dream was that there were some of these little frogs (except they were slightly smaller and green), and they were in some form of container. I think I must have been putting them in or taking them out. One jumped out and straight into my mouth and got stuck in the back of my throat. Ok, so it still makes me gag just thinking about it (and the entire night, I gagged every time I thought about swallowing). I couldn't get it back up my throat and out of my mouth and I think I swallowed it whole and alive.

You gagging yet?

So I looked up the dream dictionary that I've got linked on my blog and here's what it says:

Frogs
To see a frog in your dream, represents a potential to change or to do the unexpected. The frog may be a prince in disguise. Alternatively, the frog may suggest uncleanness. To see frogs leaping in your dream, may indicate your lack of commitment. You have the tendency to jump from one thing to another. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are taking major steps toward some goal. To dream that you are catching a frog, signifies your carelessness concerning your health.

Swallowing
To dream that you swallow something, indicates that you are holding back your feelings or words. You may feel unable to express your anger.

So, wise cyber-friends, what's it mean?

Tupperware is looking good...

This job hunt business is really starting to get to me. It's when I get emails like this that I start to wonder what exactly it is that people want.

"...I can advise that at this stage unfortunately we are unable to advance your application at this stage, in spite of your impressive skills and experience..."

I'm just.....tired.

Note to self....

Don't put calamari in the microwave....even if it's just one piece to experiment.

Mmmm.....sleeeep

With all that's gone on with me medically lately, the doc (specialist) seems to think that putting me back on my original meds is not the wise thing to do until I do another sleep study overnight at the hospital. As much as I can see his point (narcotics aren't something docs like to hand out like sweets), it's frustrating. I want to feel normal...and awake...and energetic.

I'm booked into to the sleep unit for 11 July. C reckons he wants to come along coz he won't be able to sleep with out me hehe, which I think is cute in a dorky way. I'd love for him to be able to be with me there, but someone has to stay home and tape Desperate Housewives for me.

If he knew just what it involved, I don't think he'd be so keen to come along. I was going to explain the process, but I found an article that gives a pretty good example of what goes on...

NARCOLEPSY
The most serious of the sleep disorders, narcolepsy is a rarity, affecting about 0.05 per cent of adults worldwide. ... Sufferers are treated with amphetamines (which is what I used to take) and Ritalin to keep them alert. A new medication, Modafilil, that promotes wakefulness without the stimulant effect, may provide some relief. (The lovely Modafinil is the drug that caused me to have serious nausea for over a week and throw up....an apparently undocumented side affect.)

The waking hours
Drinking a few glasses of wine before bed doesn't help you sleep. Instead, it's more likely to interfere with normal sleep patterns, as I discovered when I spent a night in a private inner-city clinic that tests for sleep disorders.

After I arrived at 9pm, two technicians spent 90 minutes preparing me - they put glue in my hair, stuck electrodes to my scalp, suckered them to my forehead and inserted tubes up my nose. Wires across my fingers, legs, feet, chest and waist attached to a machine that pulsated and hummed through the night felt like a tight leash.

Trained on my bed was an infra-red camera and microphone, monitored by a technologist in the next room, who could hear the beating of my heart and watch as I struggled with a heavy quilt. Jagged brain wave readings recorded the hours spent without sleep.

At 3.30am, uncomfortable, anxious and still awake, I rolled over and pulled out the cords attached to the machine. The technologist ran in and reconnected me.

At 6am breakfast was served. I had slept a measly 103 minutes, in which time the machines picked up a mild case of sleep apnoea.

Expect to pay up to $495 a night for a bed in a private clinic. Medicare and private health funds only cover the pre- and post-sleep consultations.

Stays at St Vincent Hospital's sleep centre are covered by Medicare or private health funds but there is about a four-week wait for a bed. Patients are referred to the clinic by their doctor.

Ok, so last time it cost me $50, so if it's $495 I'm gonna have a fit. And my 24 hours of fun didn't end at 6am. They woke us at 6am, we had breakfast, cleaned up, and went back to bed. Three times they sent us back to sleep for half an hour at a time. The theory was that you had a full night's sleep, so each time they sent you back for more sleep, it should take longer to get back to sleep again. I went back to sleep faster each time. Yay to me for being different!

Right now, I'm not taking any drugs at all, which is a nice change, but I feel like I'm waiting till my next fix. I know my appointment is not for a number of weeks, and I'm holding out till my follow up where the doc can say, "yes, you're right, you're still tired all the time and you still have a problem, so I'll give you the drugs now".

Just wish he could have sent his letter off to the government yesterday so he could get me a prescription. Within a week I'd be oh so happy, wheeee energetic and so switched on I could win on all the tv quiz shows.

Can you tell I really want those drugs?!

How come...

when you're stuck in a crowded lift, there's always one person who is seriously stinky? Somehow, I managed to cop the same person before and after my appt at the hospital this afternoon. Eeew!

While I'm on the subject of medical stuff, I told the doc today that I'm tired of all the appts and I don't want to see any docs for a while, to give me the sense of actually feeling like I'm well for a while, so no more appts for now.......well till an overnight stay in mid July, but I'll talk more about that tomorrow.

Now I need to go take a shower and get rid of this second hand stink...

Agree or disagree

C and I are both stubborn personalities. We both think (like most people, I guess) that we're right on most things, most of the time. I've learnt in the last couple of years how and when to concede, but at the same time, I won't concede if I truly believe I'm right about something. C, in my humble opinion, has a harder time conceding.

We were having a discussion over dinner the other night and he asked me if I thought we disagreed with each other sometimes just because we can. I said I certainly don't do that. I think it's counterproductive in a number of ways.

C doesn't always necessarily disagree with things, but often plays the role as devil's advocate. Here's the thing. I believe that in one on one conversations when the topic is to do with the couple (for example), then each person should state their case, listen to the other person's side, and work together towards a mutually agreeable resolution of the discussion - without playing devil's advocate. When it comes to a group discussion or a general topic, then I think it's fair to put forward hypotheticals from all sides of the equation.

C does this often (mostly, he says, with his work colleagues) and I'm sure it probably comes across as arrogant and argumentative, not to mention, appearing like he's swapping sides in order to be right. Generally, I don't have a problem with the theory, but I do think you have to be careful about dismissing other peoples' opinions altogether, or making them second guess their opinions and doubt themselves. C says he does it in case the other person may not have fully considered all angles. I think most people would construe that negatively and view it as him assuming they're not smart enough to assess all the information before coming to their own conclusion....hence the appearance of arrogance.

He and I have only had two major disagreements (which is pretty good in just over 7 months). The first one, he heard what he thought I was saying (about someone else) and interpretted it to be an attack on him. So, from the outset, he just didn't listen and didn't want to hear what I was saying. I see where we both made mistakes that night, but he did concede that he wasn't listening to me and if he really had been hearing what I was saying, he wouldn't have reacted so badly.

The second time was much worse, because I asked what I thought was a simple question, but he misread what I meant, got immediately defensive and things just spiralled into a really bad place. It took me about a week to come to terms with that and for us to have a conversation about some of the things that went wrong. I told him a couple of nights ago though, that it set me back a bit as far as 'us' is concerned. He asked if that meant that I didn't trust him and I said no. It wasn't about trust so much as him being able to share things with me that I've tried to make him feel comfortable doing, but that he can't...yet. As far as a time frame goes, I know it set me back a number of months. Honestly, it doesn't concern me as much as one would expect. We moved at warp speed to get where we are, so putting on the brakes and cruising for a while ain't gonna kill us.

I can understand his point of view and his reasonings behind it and now that I know more about where he's coming from (had a bit of a lightbulb moment), I can take a different stance on it, despite the fact that I think it'll continue to irk me until he allows himself to be open with his 'stuff'.

His last girlfriend (not A's mum) had a really negative effect on him in regards to communicating, especially when it came to disagreements. It appears he forgot all the normal communication tools he learnt while he was with A's mum...or he simply had them yelled out of him. I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that the instant something appears to be confrontational, he goes into defence mode and treats me as if I was going to treat him like his ex.

We've discussed this and I need him to be able to separate me from her and to argue with me as me. I've spent too long teaching myself not to be a certain way in arguments and conflicts....it's hard to have a conversation with someone who's not relating to you as you, but rather is relating to you as if they expect you to be someone else.....I don't want to revert to the same bad tactics - you never get good results doing that.

I don't blame him for any of it. Or me. We are who we are and we're great together. I think over time we'll learn to disagree as who we are, not how we think we'll be based on other peoples' actions. Really, I think that's pretty much a process everyone in relationships goes through initially....we react the only way we know how, until we're taught differently.

Meanwhile, off I go to counselling. And he's gonna come with me. He doesn't have to. It's not about us. 'Us' is really good and day to day we rarely disagree or have any problems (like I said, two arguments in over 7 months is pretty good). I'm going to counselling for me. To sort out things to do with me that should help 'us'. He'll support me and he offered to come with me. One would think that I'd be better off discussing a lot of my 'stuff' without him there, but to be honest, I think I'll do much better with him there. It'll help us both to understand me a bit better.

Hmmm...re-reading this, I don't think I went anywhere near where I meant to go with this ramble and completely missed my entire original point. But there ya have it.