Family - part 4
I've proven now that I've figured out how to get the photos off my phone and onto the computer, so back now to regular broadcasting.
This one is slightly different to my previous 'family' posts, because it's to do with a current situation, not something that happened while I was growing up (although history does play a part in as much as it affects how I'm reacting to it all now).
My eldest sister is nothing like me at all. She's all about 'poor me' and how hard done by she is, when in fact she does nothing to better herself or her situation, so I feel no pity for her in that regard. She always has something wrong with her, or something major has gone wrong in her life and she needs bailing out.
So...my mum rings one day a few weeks ago. Tells me that K's shed burnt down and she and her bf lost all their belongings. Of course, the shed wasn't insured, so they can't replace anything (and this is the 3rd time that bf has had a place that's burnt down..hmmm). They don't have jobs, or those jobs are part time if they do (because she's always sick or the boss laid them off or something....you know, it's always someone else's fault), so they don't have the money to buy new stuff. In addition, the person who was letting them rent his house just coincidentally chose this time to tell them he needed his fridge and washing machine back.
Mum asks me if I've already sold my fridge and washing machine, which she knows I have in storage, because I don't need them at C's place. I say no and can see where this is headed. Mum says can I give them to K, "because she has nothing and they're destitute". She says she'll pay me for them as soon as her house sells (mum has no money, but her house is on the market, because she bought a new one with my brother), but not to tell K that she was buying them from me. Whatever. I mumble semi-agreement, but don't say how much I want for them. I mean seriously, do I ask for less than I would have originally asked if I e-bayed them and end up more out of pocket because I know mum has no money to afford them, or do I ask for what I would have sold them for to someone else and be the bad guy? It's not a situation I can be comfortable with either way.
K rings. In tears. Tells me that she's lost everything, including all the photos of her daughter (my niece in Italy). I am so ridiculously unemotional about this that it is almost scary. I feel bad for my niece, but not my sister. How screwed up is that? Anyway, she asks about me getting the items to her. At no stage since then has she once said thanks for helping out. Last week I finally asked her if she knew mum was actually buying these from me and that I wasn't just giving them to her. She said yes immediately, which told me that she didn't know that at all.
In the midst of all of this, all this drama with C has started. He's said twice things that make me want to sit on this situation for a while and not do anything about it. Meanwhile, my mum and my sister continually bother me about how I am going to organise for my stuff to get to her place, which happens to be a few hours drive from here. She finally organised a transport company to pick up the stuff from the storage facility, but that company only works from 7am to 4pm during the week. Not exactly practical, when the earliest I can get there from where I work is 5pm, or the weekend. I will not go out of my way to accommodate her.
My mother then gets on the phone (remember she has no money) and says, "well maybe I should fly down there so the guys can get the stuff out". Um yeah, with no money, and then what? I'd have to drive you there anyway, which means I'd be there myself to do it, it's a waste of money and such a dumb idea, but apparently I'm the bad guy because I can't be there when it suits everyone else. Hey guys, this is me doing everyone else a favour here...if I do.
Mum rang me last night to tell me that she's signed a contract on her house and that, if the people get their finance approved, her house will be sold by Friday and she'll be moving by the 18th. Part of me thinks this is good, because she'll have cash and she can then send K some money to buy her own damn fridge and washing machine. Incidentally, the money that K is spending on transport to get these damn things to her could easily be just as well spent going to some kind of second hand goods store and buying something herself, just to get by in the interim till they can get something more adequate. But hey, that's just me thinking rationally.
Meanwhile, mum asks me about my doctors appointments. I don't normally tell her much because she gets all 'poor you' on me and I hate it. I can look after myself. Sure, I have some health issues, but I'm not going to roll over and fall to pieces because of it. Life still goes on. Anyway, she pushed me about my last appointment and I had to tell her about the overnight at hospital coming up on the 11th. How on earth she didn't know before now that I have narcolepsy spins me out. I've told her before. She says, "But you don't just fall asleep in your cereal, do you? You poor thing". "No mum, it's mild. I'm just tired all the time."
The next bit absolutely pissed me off no end. She says, "K has that as well". I say no, she has sleep apnoea. (K is extremely overweight, doesn't eat right, doesn't exercise and smokes.) Mum then proceeds to tell me about an incident where K told her she fell asleep at a bus stop for a number of hours and missed her bus. Yep, that obviously means she has narcolepsy. So I held the phone away from me and said to C, "you know how K always has to have everything simply because I do, well now she has narcolepsy as well". Ooops. Mum heard me. In a way, I don't care, but she got all defensive. "K doesn't have it just because you do. I don't know why everyone is so cruel to her. She's the nicest person and would do anything for anyone...etc etc etc". She forgets that K forged her signature on something and almost lost mum her house a number of years ago. She forgets that I had a national credit company on my case for a while because of a $2,200 debt that K ran up in my name, for which she's never apologised. She forgets a lot of the bad stuff K has done.
Then she tells me that she only just found out that K "died for 3 minutes" when she had a hernia operation a few years ago. She and K have both told me in the last week that K is bleeding internally because something or other has happened to the hernia. Whatever. I said, well if she's bleeding internally she should be in hospital. Oh no, they'd only make her lie down and she can do that at home. Um...in hospital they can operate and fix the problem if it's that bad. Nope. Apparently, she's just had pneumonia as well, so they can't operate on her for 6 weeks.
I have no sympathy and I don't care. This is just so much ridiculous drama and it's always been that way with my sister that I'm to the point where she's cried wolf so many times that I don't believe one ounce of what comes out her mouth.
I don't want to give her my fridge and washing machine. I know it sounds a bit petty, but she hasn't managed to say thanks once in the last few weeks and I'm tired of feeling like I'm always bailing everyone else out and being taken advantage of.
I'm not sure what to do. One of my other sisters owes K some money. I feel like telling K to buy some new stuff with that money, or get mum to buy it and she can pay her back. I just don't want to give my stuff to someone (even if mum pays for it) who will ultimately be completely ungrateful about it.
What would you do?
This one is slightly different to my previous 'family' posts, because it's to do with a current situation, not something that happened while I was growing up (although history does play a part in as much as it affects how I'm reacting to it all now).
My eldest sister is nothing like me at all. She's all about 'poor me' and how hard done by she is, when in fact she does nothing to better herself or her situation, so I feel no pity for her in that regard. She always has something wrong with her, or something major has gone wrong in her life and she needs bailing out.
So...my mum rings one day a few weeks ago. Tells me that K's shed burnt down and she and her bf lost all their belongings. Of course, the shed wasn't insured, so they can't replace anything (and this is the 3rd time that bf has had a place that's burnt down..hmmm). They don't have jobs, or those jobs are part time if they do (because she's always sick or the boss laid them off or something....you know, it's always someone else's fault), so they don't have the money to buy new stuff. In addition, the person who was letting them rent his house just coincidentally chose this time to tell them he needed his fridge and washing machine back.
Mum asks me if I've already sold my fridge and washing machine, which she knows I have in storage, because I don't need them at C's place. I say no and can see where this is headed. Mum says can I give them to K, "because she has nothing and they're destitute". She says she'll pay me for them as soon as her house sells (mum has no money, but her house is on the market, because she bought a new one with my brother), but not to tell K that she was buying them from me. Whatever. I mumble semi-agreement, but don't say how much I want for them. I mean seriously, do I ask for less than I would have originally asked if I e-bayed them and end up more out of pocket because I know mum has no money to afford them, or do I ask for what I would have sold them for to someone else and be the bad guy? It's not a situation I can be comfortable with either way.
K rings. In tears. Tells me that she's lost everything, including all the photos of her daughter (my niece in Italy). I am so ridiculously unemotional about this that it is almost scary. I feel bad for my niece, but not my sister. How screwed up is that? Anyway, she asks about me getting the items to her. At no stage since then has she once said thanks for helping out. Last week I finally asked her if she knew mum was actually buying these from me and that I wasn't just giving them to her. She said yes immediately, which told me that she didn't know that at all.
In the midst of all of this, all this drama with C has started. He's said twice things that make me want to sit on this situation for a while and not do anything about it. Meanwhile, my mum and my sister continually bother me about how I am going to organise for my stuff to get to her place, which happens to be a few hours drive from here. She finally organised a transport company to pick up the stuff from the storage facility, but that company only works from 7am to 4pm during the week. Not exactly practical, when the earliest I can get there from where I work is 5pm, or the weekend. I will not go out of my way to accommodate her.
My mother then gets on the phone (remember she has no money) and says, "well maybe I should fly down there so the guys can get the stuff out". Um yeah, with no money, and then what? I'd have to drive you there anyway, which means I'd be there myself to do it, it's a waste of money and such a dumb idea, but apparently I'm the bad guy because I can't be there when it suits everyone else. Hey guys, this is me doing everyone else a favour here...if I do.
Mum rang me last night to tell me that she's signed a contract on her house and that, if the people get their finance approved, her house will be sold by Friday and she'll be moving by the 18th. Part of me thinks this is good, because she'll have cash and she can then send K some money to buy her own damn fridge and washing machine. Incidentally, the money that K is spending on transport to get these damn things to her could easily be just as well spent going to some kind of second hand goods store and buying something herself, just to get by in the interim till they can get something more adequate. But hey, that's just me thinking rationally.
Meanwhile, mum asks me about my doctors appointments. I don't normally tell her much because she gets all 'poor you' on me and I hate it. I can look after myself. Sure, I have some health issues, but I'm not going to roll over and fall to pieces because of it. Life still goes on. Anyway, she pushed me about my last appointment and I had to tell her about the overnight at hospital coming up on the 11th. How on earth she didn't know before now that I have narcolepsy spins me out. I've told her before. She says, "But you don't just fall asleep in your cereal, do you? You poor thing". "No mum, it's mild. I'm just tired all the time."
The next bit absolutely pissed me off no end. She says, "K has that as well". I say no, she has sleep apnoea. (K is extremely overweight, doesn't eat right, doesn't exercise and smokes.) Mum then proceeds to tell me about an incident where K told her she fell asleep at a bus stop for a number of hours and missed her bus. Yep, that obviously means she has narcolepsy. So I held the phone away from me and said to C, "you know how K always has to have everything simply because I do, well now she has narcolepsy as well". Ooops. Mum heard me. In a way, I don't care, but she got all defensive. "K doesn't have it just because you do. I don't know why everyone is so cruel to her. She's the nicest person and would do anything for anyone...etc etc etc". She forgets that K forged her signature on something and almost lost mum her house a number of years ago. She forgets that I had a national credit company on my case for a while because of a $2,200 debt that K ran up in my name, for which she's never apologised. She forgets a lot of the bad stuff K has done.
Then she tells me that she only just found out that K "died for 3 minutes" when she had a hernia operation a few years ago. She and K have both told me in the last week that K is bleeding internally because something or other has happened to the hernia. Whatever. I said, well if she's bleeding internally she should be in hospital. Oh no, they'd only make her lie down and she can do that at home. Um...in hospital they can operate and fix the problem if it's that bad. Nope. Apparently, she's just had pneumonia as well, so they can't operate on her for 6 weeks.
I have no sympathy and I don't care. This is just so much ridiculous drama and it's always been that way with my sister that I'm to the point where she's cried wolf so many times that I don't believe one ounce of what comes out her mouth.
I don't want to give her my fridge and washing machine. I know it sounds a bit petty, but she hasn't managed to say thanks once in the last few weeks and I'm tired of feeling like I'm always bailing everyone else out and being taken advantage of.
I'm not sure what to do. One of my other sisters owes K some money. I feel like telling K to buy some new stuff with that money, or get mum to buy it and she can pay her back. I just don't want to give my stuff to someone (even if mum pays for it) who will ultimately be completely ungrateful about it.
What would you do?
posted by E in Oz at 11:23 am
these thoughts escaped my brain at 11:23 am
5 Comments:
In my opinion, the best thing to do is create some boundaries for yourself, and do whatever will keep you feeling resentment-free. That might mean telling your mom to stay out of it and working something out with your sis alone, or maybe it means selling the items to her at a fair price so you don't feel resentful.
But more importantly (I think), it's great that you're opening yourself up to all this. I really think talking about these things to other people (even us blog entities) is therapeutic. Good luck, whatever you decide.
Well, my family does a lot more to help me and I still got upset when my mom asked if my brother and sis in law could move into my place (AGAIN) since I'm stranded here.
I'll get a little more into that somewhere else, shortly.
Long story short, we struggle with enabling too. It's hard to say no, but sometimes it's better that way. (To say no.)
Hang in there. We'll back ya!
There's a girl at work that always, always, ALWAYS has something wrong with her (and no I don't mean me, lol) that she's complaining about and telling the story of and one day she's on crutches and the next with a cane and the next she's out for 6 weeks for work-caused asthma and the next her carpal tunnel is too bad to work and the next she has to have a doctor's note allowing her to wear high heels and the next she's going on about the emotional dramarama in her life and blahblahblah.
We no longer believe a word of it. We're sick of paying attention to her, we know she's going to come up with something new no matter what, and all the non-health stuff is her own doing. The health stuff is simply lies.
People like that suck the life out of you, you're not the only one, trust me.
If I had any suggestions...but it's similar to what I'm going through with my dad. Let me tell you this, though: cutting her off, or holding your line, or saying no, or not answering the phone, or whatever...it does NOT make you a bad person or the bad guy. *they* may imply that you are, they may work on your guilt, but that does not make it true, and it doesn't mean the world will perceive you in that way.
xo
it's interesting, what R said about her coworker. it seems, we all know someobdy like that. it becomes a lot more unpleasant, when it's your sister.
i agree with sandy about creating boundries. (which i think you're already trying to do) and i especially agree with R when she says you are NOT the bad guy. they're trying to send you on a guilt trip. don't go there.
hang in there...
xox
Tough situation, girly-girl. I don't know why we allow family to treat us like crap, yet still want to keep the peace.
If they weren't family, you'd wipe your hands of it all, right?
It'd be really easy for me to suggest that, but I have the same struggles, not situationally, but feeling like I need keep peace in the family no matter how they treat me or each other.
Not to be a sheep, but I agree with Sandy. 100%.
I'll be thinking 'bout you....
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