Counselling - round 1

Not really round one, since we already went together two Fridays ago, but it was round one for me by myself.

I thought I was going to lose it. I thought I was going to find it really difficult to talk about things. It was, but not in the way I expected.

I didn't know where to start. That was my problem. So I started with an issue that I'm dealing with now, with my mother and my eldest sister (long story that I'll maybe post about separately for opinions). This issue relates directly to the problem that C and I were having, because it's about giving my sister some of my furniture, me feeling taken advantage of, and me wondering if I'm going to need the furniture myself. Anyway...

I also talked about 'the incident'. There are so many things about that day that I simply don't remember. Part of me has always felt guilty and like I won't be taken seriously about it because I don't remember a lot of things exactly. Then again, there are things I remember absolutely and make it very real. I got teary. It's hard not to. But I also felt very detached in a way that's hard to explain. The counsellor said it's actually more common for people to not remember a lot, so that made me feel (slightly) better.

Interestingly, I discovered that I'm really having a harder time dealing with my family issues than that particular moment in time. In fact, she said I was dealing with it pretty well. I do have some triggers that are unrelated on the surface and hard to explain, but I talked to her and I've spoken to C about those and it's something we can work on over time....well, something I can help C to be aware of.

We did talk a lot about sex, but it was relative. And about intimacy. Not in terms of sex, but moreso about having that connection with C in which we can talk to each other about things and not feel like there'll be some sort of negative recrimination for doing so. We already have this and made a conscious decision from the beginning to do that and it's comforting to know we're doing things the 'right way' (if there's such a thing).

But back to my family. I have a lot of bitterness and resentment about being left in a situation in which my brother and I had no support and no role models. I wonder why my sisters never offered even the slightest moral support (although it's clearly obvious now why they left and moved away at 15 and 16 or thereabouts, like I did, but still...). I wonder why my mother left us in a position for so long that warranted putting us on the back steps in the middle of the night, shutting the door and making us wait there for our sister to come pick us up so we didn't see the fighting and physical abuse that went on. I wonder why it never occured to anyone that we might be better off living with my dad. I wonder why he didn't offer (or if he did offer) for us to go live with him. I wonder why nobody has ever given a damn about asking us if we feel we came through it all ok. No. I didn't. And I don't think my brother did either. I know he's still dealing with it too. We rarely talk about it and only skirt around the subject when we do, but I know he shares some of my resentment.

So, yep, I'm more angry about it all than I thought I was. And I'm in a bit of turmoil in relation to my dad. In my mind, he's never done anything wrong by my brother and I. He's always been supportive and done the best he could. But now these thoughts of 'couldn't/shouldn't he have....' have been entering my mind and I almost feel guilty for starting to think in negative terms about how he parented us.

It's more apparent now because of my relationship with C and how I see his relationship with A. C and A think the world of each other and C is so conscious of A's needs (physically, emotionally etc), and A spends whole weekends with us in a really positive, caring environment. My brother and I spent one night per week with my dad, and it was one of the two nights per week that dad worked, so we had to share him with his students in the short time we did have. It makes me wonder why this arrangement was made. I tend to think it was my mother's doing and part of an attempt to have us spend less time with dad, since she was the queen of parental alienation. But wouldn't he have done something to change that, if he wanted to?

You see what I mean? I'm getting to the point where something's gonna give and when it does, it's not going to be pleasant. It's been a long time coming and is very needed in some respects, but it's not something I'm willing to deal with in full if it's something that's going to negatively impact my relationship with my dad, because his is one of the few relationships in my family that I want to remain in tact.

My mother, my sisters....that's something else completely and I'm not sure what's going to happen, or the repercussions of it, but I can feel it happening soon.

I need to sort out this shit, because I need to be in a comfortable place with me in order to have the relationship that I deserve and that C and I can have together.

And my guy rocks so much. I am so grateful for him....even when he's doing his best to convince me he's really devil spawn. I guess that's the reason I wanted so much for us (me) to go to counselling. Because the devil spawn guy isn't really him. It's just a product of his and my pasts clashing and neither of us relating to what the other has been through, so it makes it harder to see the other's point of view as easily as it might had we been from similar backgrounds.

So I'm going back to counselling on Friday and she said C could come this time too, like I originally wanted. She said most people feel less comfortable with their partner there, but I'll feel better with him there, because it'll give me a chance to let him hear things that I may not otherwise be able to explain to him.

Overall, I'm feeling better in a lot of ways, but unsettled in others. Am I really ready to say things that are going to cause major upheaval in my whole family? That's the question. And I don't yet know the answer.