A minor vent

Ok, so G is having a hard time at the moment. Most of it, in my humble opinion, is procrastination and indecisiveness. I'm struggling not to bring out my soapbox...and smack him over the head with it.

All week, he, K and his Cousin N have been in crisis mode about moving a freakin' cupboard from K's place to N's place. You'd think they were having to organise the transportation of an entire army to another country. Oh, the drama!

Meanwhile, today, I packed yet another portion of my life into boxes and moved it into storage, moved some of my necessary things into my new place, organised a removal truck for tomorrow, cleaned my car, went to gym, did washing and a bunch of other stuff.

In that time, the three of them figured out how to book a van and move a cupboard 20 minutes down the road. And there was complaining.

He wondered why I wasn't cheery. Perspective, dude!

He asked the other day why I was quiet. I replied that when I'm quiet, it means I'm taking my time to think of a diplomatic way to say what I'm thinking. Tonight, he knew not to ask.

Tomorrow is going to be tiresome. Tomorrow night, I'll be sleeping somewhere new. Again.

I should be packing

I've spent hours today packing boxes, moving boxes, getting cuts and bruises and pretty much working myself into quite a bad mood. G was on the receiving end of it, via text message, for most of the day, because....well, he was irritating me, too. Despite my bad mood, I was impressed with myself. Ian, you would have been proud of me. All that stuff we moved into that tiny storage unit? I moved the whole damn lot by myself into a bigger unit today. Took me two hours, but man I did a good job!

G got home before me and offered to help me pack the rest of my stuff. I told him to read H@rry Pott3r. He's chosen to take up an offer from one of his gym members to go around for dinner. Smart guy. I figured out I have to do this moving thing by myself. He can help me lift my bed, washing machine and fridge tomorrow. That's about it. Otherwise, there could be bloodshed.

Anyway, I'm over packing for the moment, so I'm taking a break. I asked Ian to send me some interview questions. Here they are...

1. If you believe in God, what do you imagine Heaven to be like? If you don't believe in God, what do you think of Christians?

I think everyone has to believe in something. Whether that's a G-d, some other 'higher being', or just faith that things will turn out how they're meant to....well, I think it's too big a question to answer simply. I'm not sure about 'G-d'. I'm having trouble coming up with words to describe what I think. I'm spiritual. That's quite different from being religious. About Christians? Hmm....I think you need to respect people to be respected. Nice, non-committal answer?

2. Explain why James T Kirk is every girls' dream man.
He is? I can't explain that one. Does that mean I'm not an 'every girl'? He's not my dream man. I don't think I have one, to be honest.

3. Tell us what you were like as a kid.
Wow. Um... Pensive, quiet, too grown up in the head. How long you got for me to answer this one? I wasn't happy. Or I can't remember many happy moments.

4. Cleavage - yes or no, and why : )
No. Why? I was born that way. I'm happy about that, too. I like the fact that it doesn't hurt to lie on my stomach. Oh, you meant in general? In that case, real, yes, fake, no. How's that?

5. Pretend you are at the docs and they have just told you that you are pregnant. What five things go through your head?
a. How do I stop it? Sorry, it's true.
b. How would I afford to keep it on my own? (always assume singledom)
c. Just the thought of being pregnant....ick.
d. I am not telling my mother.
e. I am not telling anyone.

Howzat?

Hospitals are for sick people

I had a regular check up today. Ok, so not regular regular, but I wasn't expecting anything extraordinary. I ended up having everything from my shoulders down to my thighs checked. In addition, those things that were checked were thoroughly checked. There's something about having all your bits poked, prodded and swabbed that makes you all emotional. There's something about, "well it's probably nothing, but if it's still hurting in a week, go see another doc", that's unsettling - especially when you weren't there to have that bit checked in the first place. So, I walked out of there a little high strung.

I was almost in tears when there were so many people vying and pushing for the lifts to the carpark that I got shoved out of the way twice and had to wait for four lifts before I could force myself on. I hate rude, inconsiderate people. Dudes, I know you don't want to be there and you want to get out as fast as you can, but SO DO I!

I bought donuts on the way home. Big ones. They made me feel better. Now I just have to go to gym tonight and work the damn things off.

Speaking of doctors, I've never seen K in person or with makeup on, but I think she'd look a lot like Kate Walsh from Gr3y's An@tomy if she were dressed up. :-|

Ok, where was I?

Yes, my house guest is still here. Yesterday, I got, "I only have 5 days left when I can stay with you, don't I?" "Yes. You're welcome to watch tv with me in the evenings, when I move, but then you're going home."

He's moving out of his cousin's place and moving into the gym (an old renovated house on the school grounds), due to precariously low finances. He's simply wanting to save money. I have many issues with this. The first is that during their entire time together K looked after all their finances. He knows pretty much nothing about their finances other than the very detailed (complicated, but well maintained, from what I've seen) spreadsheets she's given him to help him learn what he needs to know. Do not get me started on how dumb that previous arrangement was! I think my absolutely dumbfounded expression told him how stupid I thought that was. Thankfully, they've now split personal finances and he's learning what he needs to know.

The second issue I have is that he can't tell anyone where he's staying. The third is that the damn building is freezing at night. Not just cold. Freezing. I've given him a small personal heater to borrow, but seriously, it'll be like camping, except indoors with a bathroom, fridge and microwave.

My new place is literally around the corner from the gym. A three minute drive. (coincidence, not planned, by the way) It's not healthy for either of us to have him continue to stay with me (more on that later). We both know that. He could have continued living with his cousin, but that's not much better. Yes, I realise his issues are not mine, but I wouldn't like any friend living the way he's required to for now. I suppose that's the price you pay for jumping in to running a second franchise that's just starting up without a financial foundation to fall back on while the business is growing....six months after you've started the first. Aaaanyway...

I've spent the last few weeks feeling like I've been looking in on my life. I've learned when to give advice diplomatically and when to shut up. G is learning how to become a better person and make better decisions. That was his choice before he met me. As a result, I speak, he listens. In fact, sometimes he listens too well, so I have to be really careful about what I say and how I phrase it. It's a weight on my shoulders at times, particularly when I see him indecisive and frustrated about what I consider minor things. But....not my problems.

Last night...
G: I don't like that you're feeling the way you are.
E: How am I feeling?
G: You're angry.
E: And why is that?
G: You said anger is a symptom of fear, frustration or hurt. I'd say it's two of those.
E: Frustration.
G: See? I pay attention to what you say.
E: Yes, and this is why I'm not talking much tonight. You need to figure stuff out for yourself.

I couldn't shut my mouth this morning. He asked me what I was thinking while I was at the gym. I said he didn't want to know. He asked again. I told him that I was happy for K that she finally got the backbone to pack up his stuff while he was in NZ and be done with him. I said she earned some respect from me for that. Since then, she's backed down, invited him around for dinner and other social stuff, and last night he had to drop something off at her place and she invited him to stay. I told him my esteem for her had fallen because of that. He replied that she still loves him. My response was that she shouldn't, after all he's put her through. He said that comment was harsh, but true. Eh, it's a soap opera, for sure.

So, I've set new boundaries for me. He gets to stay here till I move, then he's on his own. He knows he has to learn to be self sufficient. I'm backing off and forcing him to do that, at least to a degree. He cares about me in a way that's still very overwhelming to me. I care enough about him to let him sink or swim on his own. If he wants to do the work on himself over the next while, that's good. If he determines he wants to be with me (and I still feel the same) we'll cross that bridge when we get there. If not, that's cool, too. I'll be happy if he just sorts out who he is and what he wants and is happy with the result.

In other news, I did a full day horse ride last Saturday. It was cold and muddy, but didn't rain, thankfully. We stopped for lunch at a country pub and tethered the horses in the bushes at the back, just like cowboys...er, cowgirls. It was very cool! I must say, after being on a horse from 10am to 6pm, my body ached. Ached! Only soft seats for me for the first couple of days. Now, on Wednesday, doing stretches at the gym is still painful and the bruises are going, but it was worth it!

Daniel, my new full time offsider (yay!) started yesterday. I had him doing stuff by himself by the afternoon and today he's literally on his own while I take a day off - for sanity, but also coz I had a scheduled hospital check up. I'm looking forward to him being there. He seems like a good guy who'll pick up things quickly...and hopefully I'll be able to have some decent time off for a break soon.

Stay tuned...

Szzzzzneaky

I am tired today. T.I.R.E.D.

I've had a headache for the last couple of days, so I've spent a fair bit of time ingesting pain killers. Last night, I went out with G and a couple of girls from the gym to a trivia night. It would seem I'm more intelligent than I realised. That's a good thing, considering I was more dopey than usual on account of the pain killers. We came second by two points, although we disputed the final results.

We got home late and, for reasons I still can't quite work out, thought it would be a good thing to stay up and drink coffee. We got to sleep after midnight. We got up at 5.30am to go to gym. I may have considered sleeping in had I not left my car at the gym last night. I did a full work out then staggered into work.

You know you're tired when you're sitting at your desk and realise you've had one of those ten second sleeps - and hope nobody noticed. So, after lunch, I went into the carpark, got in my car, set the alarm on my phone and slept for 25 minutes.

Not one person realised I was gone. I may have to make this a daily thing.

I feel so speshul!

hey sexy :)
cute pics hunnie :P *droolz* ur so hottttt !!! dammm babey .So were abouts are u from ?????
i live in k.......... u sound like a really kool chick would love to get to knoe you..
add me to msn if u have babe r.........@hotmail.com
c..... :P xoxoxox

ps.would love to be your boy toy babey anytime!:) *wink*

All the classy guys are on m-eye space.

I'm half inclined to send a reply back, correcting all the spelling mistakes.

Sideways to hell

The lovely big boss, who so carefully avoids even the slightest eye contact with me these days, asked my team leader to have another 'talk' with me. He wanted to know if I would be happier working in the finance department, because so much of my job has to do with accounts. F*CK NO!! I didn't say it quite like that, but it was pretty close. My team leader was happy. He said he was only passing on the question and didn't think it was a good idea, either.

Why the hell they think I'd be happier working with people who irritate me, only talk to me when they want something, and me concentrating on doing the part of my job that I hate the most now, is beyond me. I have always said that as soon as I get a full time offsider, I'll be passing the bulk of the accounts responsibility onto them and I'll concentrate on what I was originally employed to do. Dumbarses!

Travis is looking to leave. This isn't really a bad thing. It's at the point where I'm never sure if he's going to turn up or not, or how long he'll stay when he's there. I've resigned myself to having to carry the whole load myself for a while, and be thankful if he gets anything done. We're ridiculously behind and I have complaints coming faster than I can keep up. Feeling like I can't do my job to the level it needs to be done, really sucks. But I can only do what I can do.

I'm having a meeting with the guy from the employment agency tomorrow at lunch time. I need him to get me out of there. He'd previously said they couldn't do much for me just yet, but I think he's realised I'm about to lose my mind.

I also have an appointment with another agency in the afternoon, for a position in the IT risk advisory department of a major company. This would be good. Serious corporate, but good. Trouble is, the girl hasn't sent me some of the things I need to prepare for it, so I'm going to have to postpone. I hate doing that with agencies. Oh well.

G will be back here soon. He's been at the gym doing some work. I need him to help me move some stuff to my new place (he doesn't know this yet) and then we're going to catch up with a girlfriend of mine. This domesticated/sharing stuff is too easy!...and that scares us both.

Room to move

I have a house guest. Unexpectedly. But I'm not surprised.

If I didn't feel so detached from all the drama (and I'm not sure how I'm still managing to do that), I would feel like someone was filming a soap opera and that I was a character in the main story.

G spent Wed last week to Tues this week in NZ, visiting family and friends. It wasn't much of a holiday. To say he had a hard time there would be an understatement, but that's not my story to tell. He also discovered that doing something mildly stupid can have bigger than he thought consequences. There's one thing he won't be doing again, hopefully ever. At least not while I'm around. I received daily phone calls and about a billion text messages. It was nice, but overwhelming, because (most of the time) I'm not travelling as quickly as he is with the whole 'us' stuff.

On a day to day basis, I probably look like I am, but that's a whole other conversation. We've tried to stay apart. That hasn't worked very well. I haven't wanted to be around someone so much in a long time. We both like simply being in the same room, or the same place as each other. The way he looks (or 'gazes', as he says) at me....I can't remember anyone ever looking at me like that. It's scary in a 'wow, there's a lot of emotion behind that look' way. We're both yet to work out what that emotion is. In the meantime, we're taking it a day at a time.

Anyway, he arrived back from NZ to a message from K telling him that it was time to discuss untying and separating their business 'stuff'. This is actually a good thing. If I was her, I'd be doing the same thing. He'd expected the conversation to be going the other way and had not been looking forward to it. She made the decision for him. And good on her for doing it, I say. Neither of them have been perfect, but this is the first time I can tell that she's stood up for herself and I think that's nothing but good for her.

It seems that whole conversation came about because G's cousin N (who he's staying with) had a bit of an intervention with K while he was gone. Girl power and a bit of alcohol allows you to do things you wouldn't do on your own. When G arrived back at N's place, he was met with hostility and a bunch of his stuff that he'd left behind when he moved out. Someone helped him move out a little more while he was away.

I took last Wednesday off, because I was about to lose the plot at work and really needed to decompress. I drove G to a park on the river and we spent some time walking and just talking about things. On the way, we dropped into N's place and he showed me the room he's been staying in. I can't say I've seen anything like it. You step in the door and there's enough room between the door and the wall to stand and for a single bed to fit. That's the width. The length is about two beds worth. It's like a big, bare, depressing cupboard that happens to contain a bed. I think it would take me about a week to lose my mind in that place. I can see why he hates going home.

Earlier this week, he was looking close to having a nervous breakdown. Having had a partner who's been through that and having to force feed them food on a spoon, I didn't exactly want to experience something similar again. So I've given him a key so he can stay here. He's been here since I picked him up from the airport on Tuesday. I feel....well, it's clear I'm not ready to cohabit with anyone (and this makes me slightly uneasy about moving to share with someone in a few weeks, but I'll cross that bridge at that time). I didn't realise how much I like my space, how much I like being able to do my own thing, not be responsible for someone, and generally only having to think for myself.

I can't, in good conscience, let him stay in a horrid room in a house where he's judged and the mood is hostile. So he's here. I had a bad night last night, because I've got my own crap to deal with (work, moving, him) and it's taking it's toll on me. I questioned him on something I needed details of. He got a reality check. I'm not always perky, upbeat and positive. (Who'da thunk?!) But he was good about it, asked how he could help take some pressure off me - wants to help, and told me to say if I think I'm being overcrowded and I need him to spend more time apart. Um, yes, but these are the circumstances, they're temporary and I'll deal.

K knows we're together. She also knows I met him after they'd parted and that makes it (a little) easier on everyone. She was angry with him earlier in the week, and that's perfectly understandable, but was joking about it (me) to him yesterday. I guess you have to in order to maintain some kind of sanity.

He's finally told 'our' friends - people at the gym - over the last couple of days. Most of them responded with a resounding, "Duh!" For me, I don't know whether that means the pressure is on or off. At the moment, it feels on. I don't know how much of this I'm ready for and I've told him that much. I'm not ready to cohabit (and I would expect you all to want to thump me if I was going to go down that path again any time soon!). This week has made that clear to me.

Suddenly, I'm doing our dishes and our washing. Now, before you scold me about that, it's because I haven't let him do anything around the place. He has cleaned up while I've been out - and that pissed me off. My rules are simple - don't pay me money, just buy some food, talk to the cats (and do whatever I ask). My place, my stuff, my control freak this-is-my-domain-and-I'll-look-after-it-myself tyvm self.

Who woulda thought that two weeks before I was about to make a move to begin sharing with someone again, that I'd finally realise I like my own space so much?

Everything is temporary. I just have to remember that.

Things in threes

I paid my deposit on my new place yesterday. It feels strange to have a key to somewhere other than here. T (new house mate) has said I can officially come and go as I please and I don't need to let him know. Still, it feels weird. Like I'll be walking into someone else's house while they're not there, and changing their stuff to suit myself. I'll need to get used to that again.

I spoke to the guy from the employment agency today. Actually, I was ringing to cancel an interview I had with a guy this afternoon, because I wanted to come home. I told him I'd had enough. He'll address getting me out of there as soon as we've found someone to replace Travis (me?).

G is doing everything in his power to prove to me that he's serious about me. He rang me from NZ tonight and we spoke for an hour about everything. Tomorrow night, I pick him up from the airport. I'm looking forward to seeing him. He's practically doing girly squeals at the prospect. It feels weird. I feel like I almost have an invisible stick and I'm trying to keep my distance and the more I do, the more he wants to show that I don't have to. I seriously have to get him out of fast forward mode. As well as we get on, I'm still very conscious of the fact that he has stuff to work through. It would be much easier if he wasn't so easy to like. Life changed a little in the last few days since he's been away.

Straw, meet back of Camel

I am done at work. I went in there this afternoon (yes, Sunday), because I thought I should catch up on some stuff if I'm going to take Wednesday off (can you hear me getting sick already?). The CFO who knocked back my pay increase, and who hasn't acknowledged me since, walked past me twice, without looking in my direction. He knew I was there, because you can't miss my desk from the hall - and I had signed in.

I've had enough of being treated like an invisible, insignificant, unsupported worker ant. As fate would have it, my stupid wireless keyboard wouldn't work, even with new batteries, so I was there 15 minutes trying to get that to work before I got super annoyed and decided to just leave.

My retail therapy for the day? Two camping rugs and two camping chairs. Total $45. Hey, big spender, huh!

Did you know there is such a game for seriously horsey people, called Horse-opoly? That, my friends, is just disturbing.

Anyone got a job for me? Ian, come back so we can start up that coffee shop!

Pacing

Today, I rode the horse I had for the first time two weeks ago. Her name is Tassie (as in Tassie Devil). I discovered she is an ex race horse, as are most of the other horses at the trail ride place. One of the instructors gave me some good, albeit late, advice this morning. "Keep in front of the other horses, or she'll take off". No shit, Sherlock! I spent most of the ride yelling, "Coming through on the right!" She paces well. When she canters, she races. Literally. It's equally awesome and scary.

She didn't try to run me into a tree this time. (Did I mention that about my last ride? That she tried to send me through a tree?) No, this time, she tried to go straight through other horses. My left leg ended up with horse snot all over it. My right knee copped the other end of another horse. Add that to the mud from all the rain (all over my face from horses we passed kicking up the ground as they ran), and you can imagine how I looked.

In some ways, she's much easier to handle than the horse I was previously riding. She takes off at the slightest sound or click of the heels. The downside of that is I need to be constantly aware of keeping her in check. There were a few times today (and two weeks ago) I was sure I was going to come off...and I almost did. In just two rides, I've learned so much about knowing when to control and when to let go.

I'm trying to do the same in my personal life. I was going to say the situation I'm in is far too complicated to explain. It's not really that complicated. It would just take a long time. I'm being tested in ways I absolutely expected to be, considering the circumstances. How I'm handling them is surprising me and teaching me about myself. I went back on my promise to myself to stay away from G till he sorted his stuff out. That's put me in a position I never expected to be, although it doesn't feel as negative as it looks at face value.

The way I see it, this is happening, because there's something I'm going to get out of this that I couldn't get any other way, or I'm supposed to teach G something, or both. Reason, season, lifetime. I'm treating this as a 'reason' thing; one I might not know till much later on.

He's making some decisions lately that are completely stupid and some that are smarter than most he's made in the last couple of months. The more attached he's getting to me (and I must say he's much more attached than I ever expected), the more I have my guard up. The more honest he is with me, the more I have my guard up. It doesn't appear he's been honest with anyone in his life before. He's chosen to try it with me. So I've had it all - the good, the bad, the ugly. He's said he'd rather I walk away because he's honest than because he's deceptive. The other side to that is, because he's honest, I have been able to be completely honest about my thoughts, my reactions and my boundaries. He's learning what's acceptable treatment of someone you care about and that behaviour has consequences. I'm learning to not put someone else's feelings above mine, especially when what they've done has a negative effect on me, but to make sure I'm treating myself equally.

I'm standing up for myself. And you know what? If it all was to come to an end tomorrow, because of that, I would be ok with it. There's been drama (emotional, more than anything else), and I have said a line has been drawn and I won't have drama in my life.

I learned a few things during my time with the stranger I lived with and T, about who I am and how I want expect to be treated by someone who wants to be with me. I'm not prepared to accept anything less. I'd rather stay single.

Unimpressed

The big bosses, including my absent boss, have decided I have to wait till December for a salary 'review' with the rest of the minions. So not good enough. They didn't even have the balls to tell me themselves.

As soon as I'm moved into my new place and have settled in, I'll be considering other options. I don't want to, but I won't work for people who are unappreciative and have no respect for those who work for them.

So, so not impressed.

Oh, and I can't hire Travis full time. It's a long story, but we have to cover our butts about his medical issues. I feel really bad about it, but I have no choice. So, I'm hiring another boy called Tristan. Travis will stay on for a few weeks to help train Tristan. Travis and Tristan. This could get confusing.

Sigh...my brain is getting tired again. I need a break!

Aarrrgh, so Tristan accepted another job. We're back to square one. Hopefully, I'll be seeing another two people tomorrow.

I want to sleep for about a week.