Room to move

I have a house guest. Unexpectedly. But I'm not surprised.

If I didn't feel so detached from all the drama (and I'm not sure how I'm still managing to do that), I would feel like someone was filming a soap opera and that I was a character in the main story.

G spent Wed last week to Tues this week in NZ, visiting family and friends. It wasn't much of a holiday. To say he had a hard time there would be an understatement, but that's not my story to tell. He also discovered that doing something mildly stupid can have bigger than he thought consequences. There's one thing he won't be doing again, hopefully ever. At least not while I'm around. I received daily phone calls and about a billion text messages. It was nice, but overwhelming, because (most of the time) I'm not travelling as quickly as he is with the whole 'us' stuff.

On a day to day basis, I probably look like I am, but that's a whole other conversation. We've tried to stay apart. That hasn't worked very well. I haven't wanted to be around someone so much in a long time. We both like simply being in the same room, or the same place as each other. The way he looks (or 'gazes', as he says) at me....I can't remember anyone ever looking at me like that. It's scary in a 'wow, there's a lot of emotion behind that look' way. We're both yet to work out what that emotion is. In the meantime, we're taking it a day at a time.

Anyway, he arrived back from NZ to a message from K telling him that it was time to discuss untying and separating their business 'stuff'. This is actually a good thing. If I was her, I'd be doing the same thing. He'd expected the conversation to be going the other way and had not been looking forward to it. She made the decision for him. And good on her for doing it, I say. Neither of them have been perfect, but this is the first time I can tell that she's stood up for herself and I think that's nothing but good for her.

It seems that whole conversation came about because G's cousin N (who he's staying with) had a bit of an intervention with K while he was gone. Girl power and a bit of alcohol allows you to do things you wouldn't do on your own. When G arrived back at N's place, he was met with hostility and a bunch of his stuff that he'd left behind when he moved out. Someone helped him move out a little more while he was away.

I took last Wednesday off, because I was about to lose the plot at work and really needed to decompress. I drove G to a park on the river and we spent some time walking and just talking about things. On the way, we dropped into N's place and he showed me the room he's been staying in. I can't say I've seen anything like it. You step in the door and there's enough room between the door and the wall to stand and for a single bed to fit. That's the width. The length is about two beds worth. It's like a big, bare, depressing cupboard that happens to contain a bed. I think it would take me about a week to lose my mind in that place. I can see why he hates going home.

Earlier this week, he was looking close to having a nervous breakdown. Having had a partner who's been through that and having to force feed them food on a spoon, I didn't exactly want to experience something similar again. So I've given him a key so he can stay here. He's been here since I picked him up from the airport on Tuesday. I feel....well, it's clear I'm not ready to cohabit with anyone (and this makes me slightly uneasy about moving to share with someone in a few weeks, but I'll cross that bridge at that time). I didn't realise how much I like my space, how much I like being able to do my own thing, not be responsible for someone, and generally only having to think for myself.

I can't, in good conscience, let him stay in a horrid room in a house where he's judged and the mood is hostile. So he's here. I had a bad night last night, because I've got my own crap to deal with (work, moving, him) and it's taking it's toll on me. I questioned him on something I needed details of. He got a reality check. I'm not always perky, upbeat and positive. (Who'da thunk?!) But he was good about it, asked how he could help take some pressure off me - wants to help, and told me to say if I think I'm being overcrowded and I need him to spend more time apart. Um, yes, but these are the circumstances, they're temporary and I'll deal.

K knows we're together. She also knows I met him after they'd parted and that makes it (a little) easier on everyone. She was angry with him earlier in the week, and that's perfectly understandable, but was joking about it (me) to him yesterday. I guess you have to in order to maintain some kind of sanity.

He's finally told 'our' friends - people at the gym - over the last couple of days. Most of them responded with a resounding, "Duh!" For me, I don't know whether that means the pressure is on or off. At the moment, it feels on. I don't know how much of this I'm ready for and I've told him that much. I'm not ready to cohabit (and I would expect you all to want to thump me if I was going to go down that path again any time soon!). This week has made that clear to me.

Suddenly, I'm doing our dishes and our washing. Now, before you scold me about that, it's because I haven't let him do anything around the place. He has cleaned up while I've been out - and that pissed me off. My rules are simple - don't pay me money, just buy some food, talk to the cats (and do whatever I ask). My place, my stuff, my control freak this-is-my-domain-and-I'll-look-after-it-myself tyvm self.

Who woulda thought that two weeks before I was about to make a move to begin sharing with someone again, that I'd finally realise I like my own space so much?

Everything is temporary. I just have to remember that.