Pacing
Today, I rode the horse I had for the first time two weeks ago. Her name is Tassie (as in Tassie Devil). I discovered she is an ex race horse, as are most of the other horses at the trail ride place. One of the instructors gave me some good, albeit late, advice this morning. "Keep in front of the other horses, or she'll take off". No shit, Sherlock! I spent most of the ride yelling, "Coming through on the right!" She paces well. When she canters, she races. Literally. It's equally awesome and scary.
She didn't try to run me into a tree this time. (Did I mention that about my last ride? That she tried to send me through a tree?) No, this time, she tried to go straight through other horses. My left leg ended up with horse snot all over it. My right knee copped the other end of another horse. Add that to the mud from all the rain (all over my face from horses we passed kicking up the ground as they ran), and you can imagine how I looked.
In some ways, she's much easier to handle than the horse I was previously riding. She takes off at the slightest sound or click of the heels. The downside of that is I need to be constantly aware of keeping her in check. There were a few times today (and two weeks ago) I was sure I was going to come off...and I almost did. In just two rides, I've learned so much about knowing when to control and when to let go.
I'm trying to do the same in my personal life. I was going to say the situation I'm in is far too complicated to explain. It's not really that complicated. It would just take a long time. I'm being tested in ways I absolutely expected to be, considering the circumstances. How I'm handling them is surprising me and teaching me about myself. I went back on my promise to myself to stay away from G till he sorted his stuff out. That's put me in a position I never expected to be, although it doesn't feel as negative as it looks at face value.
The way I see it, this is happening, because there's something I'm going to get out of this that I couldn't get any other way, or I'm supposed to teach G something, or both. Reason, season, lifetime. I'm treating this as a 'reason' thing; one I might not know till much later on.
He's making some decisions lately that are completely stupid and some that are smarter than most he's made in the last couple of months. The more attached he's getting to me (and I must say he's much more attached than I ever expected), the more I have my guard up. The more honest he is with me, the more I have my guard up. It doesn't appear he's been honest with anyone in his life before. He's chosen to try it with me. So I've had it all - the good, the bad, the ugly. He's said he'd rather I walk away because he's honest than because he's deceptive. The other side to that is, because he's honest, I have been able to be completely honest about my thoughts, my reactions and my boundaries. He's learning what's acceptable treatment of someone you care about and that behaviour has consequences. I'm learning to not put someone else's feelings above mine, especially when what they've done has a negative effect on me, but to make sure I'm treating myself equally.
I'm standing up for myself. And you know what? If it all was to come to an end tomorrow, because of that, I would be ok with it. There's been drama (emotional, more than anything else), and I have said a line has been drawn and I won't have drama in my life.
I learned a few things during my time with the stranger I lived with and T, about who I am and how Iwant expect to be treated by someone who wants to be with me. I'm not prepared to accept anything less. I'd rather stay single.
She didn't try to run me into a tree this time. (Did I mention that about my last ride? That she tried to send me through a tree?) No, this time, she tried to go straight through other horses. My left leg ended up with horse snot all over it. My right knee copped the other end of another horse. Add that to the mud from all the rain (all over my face from horses we passed kicking up the ground as they ran), and you can imagine how I looked.
In some ways, she's much easier to handle than the horse I was previously riding. She takes off at the slightest sound or click of the heels. The downside of that is I need to be constantly aware of keeping her in check. There were a few times today (and two weeks ago) I was sure I was going to come off...and I almost did. In just two rides, I've learned so much about knowing when to control and when to let go.
I'm trying to do the same in my personal life. I was going to say the situation I'm in is far too complicated to explain. It's not really that complicated. It would just take a long time. I'm being tested in ways I absolutely expected to be, considering the circumstances. How I'm handling them is surprising me and teaching me about myself. I went back on my promise to myself to stay away from G till he sorted his stuff out. That's put me in a position I never expected to be, although it doesn't feel as negative as it looks at face value.
The way I see it, this is happening, because there's something I'm going to get out of this that I couldn't get any other way, or I'm supposed to teach G something, or both. Reason, season, lifetime. I'm treating this as a 'reason' thing; one I might not know till much later on.
He's making some decisions lately that are completely stupid and some that are smarter than most he's made in the last couple of months. The more attached he's getting to me (and I must say he's much more attached than I ever expected), the more I have my guard up. The more honest he is with me, the more I have my guard up. It doesn't appear he's been honest with anyone in his life before. He's chosen to try it with me. So I've had it all - the good, the bad, the ugly. He's said he'd rather I walk away because he's honest than because he's deceptive. The other side to that is, because he's honest, I have been able to be completely honest about my thoughts, my reactions and my boundaries. He's learning what's acceptable treatment of someone you care about and that behaviour has consequences. I'm learning to not put someone else's feelings above mine, especially when what they've done has a negative effect on me, but to make sure I'm treating myself equally.
I'm standing up for myself. And you know what? If it all was to come to an end tomorrow, because of that, I would be ok with it. There's been drama (emotional, more than anything else), and I have said a line has been drawn and I won't have drama in my life.
I learned a few things during my time with the stranger I lived with and T, about who I am and how I
posted by E in Oz at 7:50 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 7:50 pm
4 Comments:
Amazing things get revealed to us at the most uncanny times, dontchathink?
You're right where your feet are suppose to be.
Just stay away from the backend of the horse, eh?
Just (((((((hugs)))))))! Mostly because I think you said everything so well and I need to chew on it for a long awhile. (((((((E)))))))
The horse riding sounds absolutely thrilling. One of those things that's always intimidated me... :)
As for Mr. I'mGoingToBeHonest, don't forget there's also a point where telling the truth can also be selfish. You are not supposed to be the world's martyr.
Mel, it's the side of the horse that worries me. That's the way it's easiest to come off....as proven by one of the instructors on Saturday. She landed face first down the side of a small hill. Wasn't pretty, but she was ok.
Caro, hang in there, sweety. :-)
M, you're right. So far he's doing all that I said I need, and one of those things is complete honesty. It hasn't always been what I've really wanted to hear, but at least it's allowing me to make decisions based on all the available information (rather than assumptions) and that's really all I've asked from him for now.
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