Who's out there?

I swear statcounter is a veritable wealth of info....but does little at times to satiate my curious nature.

So please humour me and leave a comment if...

• You are reading from the DOI in Sunbury?
• You are in Queensland?
• You are in Australia in general?
• You are in/around Santiago, Chile?
• You are in/around Oslo, Norway?
• And I'm assuming S is reading from Turkey?

And so it goes on...

I got 'the phonecall' today. I hate those. The first smear test I had a couple of months back, she was all conversational and chatty. This time she wasn't. I had a feeling that she was going to call today and I had a feeling it wasn't going to be fantastic news.

Anyway, seems we have a problem. It's not so much of a problem that it's urgent, but enough to warrant them wanting me to come back in six months. Seems that the 'changes' aren't changed enough for something sooner than that. Can't say I'm happy with that plan, but we'll see.

Meantime, I've got a specialist appointment already planned for next Wednesday, so I think I'm gonna ask for yet another referral.

Happy happy joy joy.

Upheaval

My life has changed dramatically in the last 7 months. I've gone from doing what I like, when I like, not having to answer to anyone but myself, to insta-family.

And I don't know anyone else who's a stepparent (except for my stepmum), although I don't really consider myself a step-anything right now (and frankly, it weirds me out a bit), even though the perception is that I am.

I'm just starting to realise the enormity of that.

Say what?

A couple of things we found kinda funny over the weekend...

The boy (the 7yo one, not the 38yo one) is at that age where we're starting to have some interesting conversations with him now. His latest words-of-the-month are 'stupid' and 'sexy'.

He tried on a pair of my shoes over the weekend (our socks are the same size - how weird is that?) and I joked that he looked sexy. Then we have this conversation...

A: Do you like sex?
E: Excuse me?
A: Do you like sex?
E: What do you mean by that?
A: Well, sexy. Do you like sexy? Sex is just a short way of saying sexy.
E: Aaaaah. (breathes sigh of relief and changes subject)

So C and I were in bed on Saturday night. We'd put the boy to bed, but he wasn't settling. I took him back to his room a couple of times after he got out of bed and it looked as though he was going to stay there. C and I were watching a dvd, but C was getting a little distracted. I have to point out here that I was clothed and he wasn't (which is why I was the one who kept taking C back to bed). Anyway, C decided it was safe to get amorous. The moment he rolled over and started kissing me, the door opened again. Ha, so off I went and ended up lying with A for a while till he stayed settled and promised to go to sleep.

I went back to bed and told C that I think we need a bell on the door, or at least a laser beam that gets triggered in the hall when the boy gets out of bed.....and mentioned that it's only a matter of time that we get busted for real. The kid could be a spy, he's so quiet sometimes.

Sunday morning A woke us up and came and got into bed and talked to us for a while. Then we had this conversation...

A: Were you guys being romantic last night?
C: Romantic?
A: Yeah, when I came into the room last night, I thought you were being romantic.
E: What do you mean by 'romantic'?
A: You know, you had the dvd on and you had the pink light on.
(The pink light is one of the most ugly tall lamps you've ever seen. It's plastic and is about the length of the bed. Really bad to look at (which is why it lives under the bed), but makes a really nice glow from under the bed when it's on.)
E: Ah, is that what romance is?
A: Yeah.

I've learnt it really pays to get clarification sometimes! That one coulda gotten pretty interesting. I wonder what he tells his mum.

Since Ian asked

I don't often do these things, but hey...

Total volume of music files on my computer: 1.5GB, 500 songs. My other computer has lots more on it. I've been lazy on this one.

The last CD I bought was: Breakaway, by Kelly Clarkson (thanks, RG!)

Song playing right now: Nothing. The boy did night shift and got home at 6.30am, so I'm being quiet.

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:

1. Because of You, Kelly Clarkson

2. Here Without You, Three Doors Down

3. Travelling Soldier, Dixie Chicks

4. Return to Innocence, Enigma

5. My Immortal, Evanescence

That's off the top of my head. I'm sure the list would be different if you asked me again this afternoon. Hotel California is another one for all you gals from the board. heheh

People I pass this on to – Sandy, Monica, RG and Randy.

Gettin' deep for a moment

This is from someone's signature line on a message board I read:

"I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."

It's a quote from Carrie, from SATC.

I want your thoughts on what it says. I'm interested to hear everyone's perspective. I'll post mine when I have more time.

Bite me

Mutter #1.
Actually, this one is ok. I didn't get that job. In a way, I'm glad I didn't, because I've never been relient on anybody else EVER in my life, in a financial sense and I was having a hard time coming to grips with maybe having to rely on C. I don't have to worry about that now. The manager called me and told me that they'd taken someone with a bit more experience, and I'm cool with that - I expected it. However, he did ask if he could keep my info in case the guy falls through or something else comes up. It was funny. He said, "...and I'm not just saying that as a line or to make you feel better. I really do want to keep you in mind." Ha ha. So, we'll see.

Mutter #2.
Again, not really a mutter, but it just goes to show you should always keep an open mind about stuff. C rang me yesterday afternoon and told me he had a surprise for me when I got home. You know you're really in the thick of domesticity when the surprise is 3 garden pavers, some hedging and 1kg of shiny black stones. Now ain't that just love right there!

Mutter #3.
I am sick. S-i-c-k. I look like something out of Fright Night (if there isn't a movie with that name, there should be!). I feel like death. I haven't had a cold or flu for ages, but boy have I got something now. Of course, of all the times I can't take off work, this week is it. Ugh.

Mutter #4.
Hmmm....the boy got me so worked up/mad/upset last night over a simple question that I asked, that he took the wrong way, and somehow managed to make me to be the bad guy (how do guys do this??), that I seriously got in my car at about 2am and just drove. Didn't get far though, because it was freakin freezing, I couldn't see the road, and I had no idea where I was going. So I went home again and sat in the car for ages trying to regroup. I just needed space. I am still worked up/mad/upset.

Couple that with being sick (and having to redo about 5 hours worth of work, because someone neglected to tell me about some major changes) and I'm just an explosion waiting to happen.

And as Eminem so eloquently puts it...

if you feel you´re in violation, any hesitation´ll get you killed, if you feel it, kill it, if you conceal it, reveal it, being reasonable will leave you full of bullets, pull it, squeeze it, till it´s empty, tempt me, push me, pussies, I need a good reason to give this trigger a good squeeze...

But I prefer the chorus...

I´m a soldier, these shoulders hold up so much, they won´t budge, i´ll never fall or fold up, i´m a soldier, even if my collar bones crush or crumble, I will never slip or stumble, i´m asoldier, these shoulders hold up so much, they won´t budge, i´ll never fall or fold up, even if my collar bone´s crush or crumble, I will never stumble...

So...

Is having a plastic bag stuck to the back wheel of your car as you're driving along, the same as having a piece of toilet paper stuck to the heel of your shoe as you're walking down the street?

Just askin'.

Would you buy a car from this girl?

I made a spur of the moment phone call on Friday afternoon, about a job. I didn’t get a chance to call during the day, so I had to call from my car on the way home. It was for a position as a car salesperson. I know, I know….but I’m up for anything right now. The call went really well and although the guy had already seen everyone he wanted to, he asked me to come in to talk to him on Saturday morning.

I really don’t know why, but I was really nervous before the appointment. Maybe because I was completely out of my comfort zone. Once we started talking I was much more relaxed. We talked for about 45 minutes and it went really well.

Here are the positives:

• It’s less than 10 minutes from home, in fact, even closer than C’s work, and on the same street.
• I get to sleep in for an hour more than I do now and get home around the same time.
• After 3 months I’d get a new car and all my petrol paid.
• I could sell my car and get $12K, which would come in handy.
• I could end up making about $20K more than I do now within a year.
• The team there seem really nice and they’re very much into working together and not being seen as/behaving like “typical sales people”.
• They have a really good training program, which would give me good, transferable sales skills.

Here are the negatives:

• For the first three months I’d be on traineeship wages, which is just about nothing, with no commissions.
• The hours are long – Mon-Fri 8.30-6, Sat 8.30-5, with one day off every second week.
• I’d have no Saturdays off.
• I’d have minimal time for gym.
• Working Saturdays will seriously cut into social/lifestyle time.
• Lack of $$ for the first three months is going to seriously affect our finances, but we’d be ok.

The guy is going to call me back tomorrow about whether or not they want me back for a second interview. From what he told me about the other applicants and what he thought about me, I have a good chance.

I’ve been thinking I should just ask my work to pay out my annual leave so I have some cash, and ask them if I can take 2-3 months off without pay for personal reasons (R, remember I had that grand plan to travel to …. last year? I was thinking of letting that start as a rumour lol). At least then I’d have a backup if it didn’t work out, although part of me thinks if I have a backup I might rely on it and I don’t want to do that.

I don’t know what to do though. What do you think?

Ho hum

Strange how what you think will make you content doesn't, once you finally get what you want.

The boy was stalling with something I'd mentioned I wasn't comfortable with a couple of times. I really didn't have that much of an issue with it, but it was annoying me in the back of my mind.

Now that he's sorted what was bothering me, it's not sitting well with me, because I feel like I made him do something. I don't want to be that person and feel like I've made demands; especially when it was mostly a non-issue to begin with.

A couple of times lately, I've heard myself sounding like a person I used to be, not who I am now. I really need to snap outta that. At least I know it when I do it. It goes back to my story on ownership of issues that I talked about on the board the other week (although the above issue has nothing to do with any of that). I think projection is probably one of the major causes of upset in relationships. Since I typed that story I realised how often it can happen if you let it.

This is my current task for myself...own my own issues. It's amazing the progress you can start to make when you do.

I need to write more of those 'story with a moral' type things. They help me as much as they help everyone else.

Knock knock!

RG....I read what you wrote and wanted to respond, but it appears I can't. Did you turn that off?

Tara....how you doing?

R....hugs, ya know.

Anonymous G....just thanks for being you.

EJ....where are ya, twin sister?

Ian...."islands in the stream, that is what we are..." I hope you're practicing!

Cnfgandy....hang in there girly.

Rich....are you out there? Thinking of you and hope you're doing ok.

Sour

Being with C and watching the way he interacts with his family and his son, it's become apparent to me that I'm more bitter and resentful of my childhood than I previously allowed myself to believe.

As much as I'm welcomed into his family and they care about me, I feel as though I walk around with an invisible glass case around me that separates me. It can't be seen, but it's there. I can feel it.

After all this time, and time previously spent with the families of past boyfriends, I still can't fully relate.

I watch how he interacts with his son, how close they are, how well he looks after him. He's a great dad. And I notice how I treat A and I'm so very conscious of making him feel wanted, accepted, important, and happy. I know it's me trying to make sure another child gets what I never got. But honestly, he's a good kid and I could never fathom anyone wanting to treat him badly.

Meanwhile, the more I concentrate on what is right in my relationship with C and his family, the more I realise that my reality was so far removed from theirs.

And I remembered...I never once had a birthday party, and I can't recall ever having friends over. I can remember a few occasions I did go to friends' houses, but not often.

But who'd want to have people over to a house that was never really clean, a mother who was always crying, and have to deal with her stupid alcoholic boyfriend, who may or may not be in the mood to put a chair through the roof? I was embarrassed.

Now I'm just resentful.

I think I need to talk to my brother. I need to know what his reality was.

Mobility

I see a lot of crazy stuff on the roads these days. I do a lot of driving, and lemme tell ya, there are some complete nutcases out there on the streets (like the guy who figured he'd try to run me off the highway this morning at 100kmh, but that's another story).

Yesterday, I was stopped at traffic lights and looking at the world around me. I saw one of the strangest sights I'd seen in a while.

Ok, so everyone has something dangly hanging off their rear vision mirror. If you don't have something, you know someone who does. I have a little red and gold feng shui charm - it's three coins and some bells. I've yet for it to fully do the job it's supposed to, but I can be patient.

But the woman in the car beside me had what literally looked like a mini colostomy bag hanging from the mirror. Seriously! It was a clear plastic bag, the right shape, and was filled with a pale yellowy liquid. Even if it wasn't a colostomy bag, what the heck was it and what the heck was it doing dangling from someone's rear vision mirror? The thought of it made my stomach turn. It just looked baaaad.

It made me wonder...what strange things have you seen in peoples' cars, whether having been in them, or spotting them from afar?

Flashbacks

I think this is my first post about meeting the boy for the first time. I think it's funny to see what I wrote and what everyone said.

And this is our first date.

And now look at us. Who knows where we'll be in a few more months! Yikes!

There's a new addition to the blog world.

Bill and Eve over on pumpkindiary celebrated the birth of their baby last week. Go check out the pics.

Now y'all probably know that I'm not big on babies and I haven't been hit with any of that maternal stuff, but I've followed pumpkindiary for a few months now. The way Bill wrote to his unborn child for all those months was touching, funny and insightful. I hope he continues writing.

(Yep, there's another Eve out there in blogland...and we lived in the same suburb...small world huh!)

WTF happened?

Last night we went out with Ian and Tara and had a really great time.

I have no idea what happened, but a normal happy conversation in the car turned into a stupid discussion over something that's very important to me. I told him my stance on something. He didn't agree with it and said something along the lines of if he doesn't think it's a big deal, then I shouldn't think it's a big deal either....but it's a huge deal to me. There's more, but that's the basis of it anyway.

We never argue. We never disagree. So this has my head spinning.

I don't know how to fix it, coz I don't know if he was just being stubborn in the moment, or if he really won't ever get my point of view. I'm really disappointed with both of us (I know I didn't handle it as well as I could have). I don't know how to make it better.

I hate hate hate feeling like this, because it's so not 'us'.

*****update

Ok, call off the fire brigade...the aliens returned his brain.

He just called. Started off by saying, 'so we didn't have a good night last night'. No kidding. He said he got defensive and took what I was saying as though I couldn't trust him...because of an incident that occurred a few years ago that I'd told him about. He said he made it all about him and he took it personally. That he wasn't hearing what I was saying to him, because he was making it an issue of trust. He said of course he'd never do something that upset me in that way and that he'd always take my feelings into consideration, because the way the situation makes me feel is what's important.

It took him all day to figure all that out. I didn't think of it in terms of him thinking it was all about him. Strange how two people can have the same conversation, but hear completely different things.

I got my guy back...that's the main thing. (Even though he's gonna get a knock to the side of the head when he gets home...)

Sideways

Some random updates.

Health

• heart prob is apparently not as bad as I was lead to believe, but still need to be careful.
• girl bits are all normal, according to the ultrasounds.
• 5 billion blood tests suggest I'm the opitome of perfect health (except for the 'menopausal' scare - long story!).
• girl bits seem to be back to normal...tentative sigh of relief.
• new drugs for narcolepsy gave me the worst nausea for two days, so I'm off them for two days before I try again on Thursday.
• same new drugs seem to have gotten rid of the headaches I've had for the past two weeks.
• same new drugs did nothing for the narcolepsy, despite costing $121.45 for 30 tablets!
• I really want to go back onto the old drugs I was on...but it seems people have a problem with narcotics.

Dr Fun-Killer

I know I haven't done a Dr F-K update for a while. That's because I've stagnated in my progress. I haven't gone backwards, but I've waivered, mainly because of all the health stuff above. People are saying I look well though, so that's pleasing. But I don't get why people say, "oh but you be careful", like I'm suddenly going to stop eating and become anorexic. I'm not disappointed with where I'm at, but I know I can do better. That's all.

On the home front

Everything is absolutely ideal. I am damn lucky to have the relationship I have. As an aside, he said to me the other day that the more he learns about my mother, the more he dislikes her. I understand where he's coming from - he feels she didn't parent well, didn't give guidance and support, was emotionally manipulative (well she was) and generally didn't allow me anywhere to go when I needed someone growing up. I feel in part that somehow I may have misconstrued her to him, or over emphasised how things were, but then I know I'm just playing down my feelings and negating how I feel and that's not good. We've talked a lot about this stuff and there are a lot of things I need to tell him/explain to him. I just don't know where to start.

El kiddo

Asked me the other week if I was going to be his mummy now. Got that sorted out. We talked to him about it and C and I have had the 'step mum' talks too. I soooo don't feel like a step-mum, but I guess I am in a way.

Work

Work is driving me nuts. I am soooo bored here and I hate coming to work every day and having nothing to do. If there was incentive to drive for 90 mins each way, each day, I'd do it. Thanks to Tara, I have two interviews with agencies this week, so we'll see what happens. I'm not overly optimistic, but at least it's something. Honestly though, if I could find a couple of things to do where I could work from home and still make decent money, I'd do it in a second.

I'm sure there's more, but it's not coming to me right now, so I'll go back to pretending to be occupied with work.