Sour
Being with C and watching the way he interacts with his family and his son, it's become apparent to me that I'm more bitter and resentful of my childhood than I previously allowed myself to believe.
As much as I'm welcomed into his family and they care about me, I feel as though I walk around with an invisible glass case around me that separates me. It can't be seen, but it's there. I can feel it.
After all this time, and time previously spent with the families of past boyfriends, I still can't fully relate.
I watch how he interacts with his son, how close they are, how well he looks after him. He's a great dad. And I notice how I treat A and I'm so very conscious of making him feel wanted, accepted, important, and happy. I know it's me trying to make sure another child gets what I never got. But honestly, he's a good kid and I could never fathom anyone wanting to treat him badly.
Meanwhile, the more I concentrate on what is right in my relationship with C and his family, the more I realise that my reality was so far removed from theirs.
And I remembered...I never once had a birthday party, and I can't recall ever having friends over. I can remember a few occasions I did go to friends' houses, but not often.
But who'd want to have people over to a house that was never really clean, a mother who was always crying, and have to deal with her stupid alcoholic boyfriend, who may or may not be in the mood to put a chair through the roof? I was embarrassed.
Now I'm just resentful.
I think I need to talk to my brother. I need to know what his reality was.
As much as I'm welcomed into his family and they care about me, I feel as though I walk around with an invisible glass case around me that separates me. It can't be seen, but it's there. I can feel it.
After all this time, and time previously spent with the families of past boyfriends, I still can't fully relate.
I watch how he interacts with his son, how close they are, how well he looks after him. He's a great dad. And I notice how I treat A and I'm so very conscious of making him feel wanted, accepted, important, and happy. I know it's me trying to make sure another child gets what I never got. But honestly, he's a good kid and I could never fathom anyone wanting to treat him badly.
Meanwhile, the more I concentrate on what is right in my relationship with C and his family, the more I realise that my reality was so far removed from theirs.
And I remembered...I never once had a birthday party, and I can't recall ever having friends over. I can remember a few occasions I did go to friends' houses, but not often.
But who'd want to have people over to a house that was never really clean, a mother who was always crying, and have to deal with her stupid alcoholic boyfriend, who may or may not be in the mood to put a chair through the roof? I was embarrassed.
Now I'm just resentful.
I think I need to talk to my brother. I need to know what his reality was.
posted by E in Oz at 3:41 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 3:41 pm
1 Comments:
Oh how we relate to each other, huh?
Hubby's mom is what really smacked me into reality. She is everything that a mother should be and Hubby had an ideal childhood. I'm jealous of him sometimes, to tell the truth.
She is now my mother too, through and through and I'm so happy.
I'm glad that I somehow naturally knew how to be a good mother without any training from my own. Of course, I had practice on my sister because I was her mom really (she even sends me Mother's Day cards) even though we're only 9 years apart.
It's hard to not feel resentful sometimes and I do believe that's your right. The best thing you can do is be a good person (which you are) in spite of your upbringing.
(((((((((((((you))))))))))
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