Coincidence? Timing?

There's a nice little set of terrace buildings a block away from me, in an ideal location to set up a cafe/coffee shop. I've been watching them every day for the past couple of weeks, thinking, visualising, planning... There's one in particular that I think would be perfect for the idea that's in my head.

As I was stopped at the lights this afternoon, I looked across to the buildings. There's a for sale sign and a for lease sign on one of them. Not the one I'd like, but right next door.

I think I have to do something about this.

Bones

Thank you to the lovely blog reader who let me know that my blog was compromised today. Compromised. Sounds all FBI, doesn't it? I don't know how many of you would have noticed, because I sorted it out pretty quickly, but my blog was bouncing to another url for a while.

I figured it was coming from one of the links in my sidebar. I couldn't tell from reading the code which link was the problem, but I wasn't going to test each one to find out, so I got rid of anything linking to an external website (except the weather chick, who never wears weather-appropriate clothes).

Hmmm... It just occurred to me that the same might be happening with my photo blog. Must check that out...

So, for now, this lil ole blog will be just the bare bones; new ramblings and links to old ramblings. What more could you possibly want, anyway?

I need a new job

I'm not sure what came over me today, but I was in fine form.

I managed to make our whole safety department look incompetent, and piss off the boss and his PA of another department, because I brought up the issue they caused to make the safety department look incompetent...and that made them look incompetent, too. It was fun. "Hey, I'm just the spokesperson in this area (of the building), because I'm the only one prepared to say what everyone else is thinking." Yeah. I'll sit at my desk and stay quiet for a couple of days. Maybe.

Next, I managed to make a control freak (you ain't seen nothin' like it!) secretary in another state lose face with other staff members and our telco reseller, because she was chest beating and throwing around authority she does not have. So I had to put her in her place...diplomatically, of course. I'm sure there'll be an email for me tomorrow, copied to all the managers in the universe about how unfair the world is. It's happened before. I used to stress. Now I just pull rank. I don't like that I have to do that, but oh well. For this one, I got backing from my boss (hey, there's a first time for everything!), so I'm ready for the poop to hit the fan. And it will.

Aaaah, I'm so ready to leave this job. If I could just find another one...

This made me sad

Former world rally champion Colin McRae and his five-year-old son were among four people killed in a helicopter crash this weekend in southern Scotland, police said today.

Read the rest here.

I used to want to be Colin McCrae (well, as good a rally driver as he is).

Boys boys boys

It's raining men and it's BIZ-R to say the least!

Let's start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start.... Got that song in your head now? Good. Better to be singing Julie Andrews than old-Spice. Anyway....

Nothing has eventuated with the guy I went on the blind date with and I can't say I'm bothered by that. He was nice, but 4 kids under 10? Ack! He sent me a text late this week, to say he was dating someone else. No idea why he wanted to meet with me, if that was the case, but no big deal. I had a good day.

I did meet one guy, D, at the speed dating and caught up with him on Wednesday night. Nice guy. We got on really well. We talked so much and for so long that we closed the bar we were at. The bar staff actually packed up chairs and cleaned tables around us and we finally got the clue that they weren't going to actually tell us to leave when they turned the music up so loud we couldn't talk anymore. The best thing about this guy is that when the conversation turned to sex (eh, it always does!), he said he, "can't be bothered at the moment". That went down very well with me, because those were the exact words I said to my house mate when he suggested that this guy might be my dessert for the evening. Um, no. There are no plans, but we'll catch up again, I'm sure.

While I was waiting for D to turn up, I got a phone call from a guy I was hoping not to hear from. I'd put his name down to contact me at the speed dating, then wished I hadn't. I don't want to call him to say I don't want to catch up (no, I don't know why I didn't just say it at the time), but I'm not sure which is less tacky - a text message or an email? Hmmm...

My offsider, D1 sent me a text about 10.15pm asking how the 'date' with D went. I got home about 11.30pm and was in the middle of sending him a reply when my phone rang. I missed the call and didn't recognise the number, but figured if someone was calling me that late, I must know who they are. I called back. The conversation went something like this....

D2: Eeeeeee.....!
E: Sorry, who is this?
D2: D! (same name as D1 who I work with)
E: Really? I was just texting you.
D2: Wow. Out of the blue?
E: No, I was replying to the message you sent me just after 10pm.
D2: I didn't send you a text.
E: Um....sorry, who is this?
D2: D. We met two years ago. We went on a date together.
E: Um....who? We did? I don't remember. (feeling really bad about it!)
D2: Yeah we went to the pancake place.
E: (finally starting to register) Aaaah... Ok, do you live in E....?
D2: Yep.
E: And you have a tattoo of elephants on your arm?
D2: Yes.
E: And you work in real estate?
D2: Well, I did. My band kicked off and we've been touring Europe for the last couple of years and we just got back. We're being played on (radio station) now. You want to come to our CD launch?

And after that, we agreed to catch up next week some time. I even posted about how I met this guy here. I felt bad not remembering him. He remembered all about me, my cats and some other stuff I'd totally forgotten about. I knew he was in a band, but they were just starting out at the time. I coulda been a band tour groupie for the last two years.... I feel all Avril Lavigne now. haha.

Next, I got a call from J. I hadn't heard from him in about two or so months. The guy is so wrong, but such a nice person. We talked about his girl situation and he told me about a girl he's seeing and one who wants to be with him, but he wants to just be friends. The girl he's seeing is in luuuurv with him - methinks they probably both are. But he's not there at all. He said, "there's something wrong with all the girls I know". I jokingly asked what in particular was wrong with me. His reply was, "Well, to be honest, there's nothing I can find wrong with you at all. Even my mates were asking about you the other day". Nice to have someone say that about you.

Then, and I'm totally serious, I got an email on matchdotcom from a guy on the Argentinian soccer team, asking me to email him back and he'd give me his phone number and his room number from the hotel he was staying in (that he told me the name of). All the guys I know told me I should take up his fine offer just so I could get them tickets to the game on Tues night. I didn't reply to the email, although I suspect at least half a dozen other girls might have. :-D

The same day, I had another guy emailing me to ask if I was adventurous enough to fly to Queensland to have dinner with him. I'm working on a negative reply to that one, although, again, my guy friends think it's a good idea. Go figure. Dude lives just near my mum. I could always go visit her if it went pear-shaped. Yeah, right...

Today, I got two emails within minutes of each other. The first from a guy in a wheelchair, who asked me twice if it bothers me that he's in a wheelchair and ended with "love S....". How does one respond to that???? The second one is a guy who started emailing me in May then suddenly dropped off the face of the planet. His subject line was "It's been a while (I'm not sure what happened?)". News flash - you stopped emailing. "How have you been babe ? I would still be interested to meet up with you. It would be fun. What do you reckon ? Book early to avoid disappointment ! I still have a vacancy for a coffee tomorrow if you would be interested ! I hope things have been going well for you." Seriously! To be honest, things are a little kooky on the men front right now and, no, I have no 'vacancies' tomorrow, even if you do. I'm going horse riding.

Is there a neon sign on me that says G moved out, or did someone post a newspaper ad?

To top it all off, I was made to do the chicken dance in public last night and did a conga line dance out of a restaurant and into an inner city street. Yep. This is what my life has become.

LOL!

The lighter stuff

Ok, so there is some stuff going on that's not so stressful as the work stuff and the G stuff.

I've been horse riding about once or twice a month with a couple of other girls - we've been doing this for months now, actually. Last weekend, I finally went and bought myself some proper riding gear - jodhpurs, chaps and boots. All black. I wear a black jacket, too. One of the girls said I look like darth vader on horse back. Amusing, and somewhat accurate that it is, it's not the look I was really going for, so I might have to invest in some coloured tops.

In my last house, I had a big courtyard where I could lie on sunny days and read for hours in the warmth. I no longer have a secluded courtyard, but I have a nice little balcony from my bedroom and the weather is starting to get warm enough that I can now lie out there in the sun. It directly faces the street, so it's not very private, but I'm going to put up some bamboo fencing, or something, so I can get out there and read without the world watching me. I'm looking forward to being able to just sit and 'be'.

It's football finals now and I'm starting to feel a little edgy. I broke up with T over the phone on grand final day. I really need to find something scary, challenging, happy, or exciting to do, to replace that memory.

My housemate. Well, I've mentioned him a little before. Let's just say I'm glad I'm pretty open minded and/or have been through enough 'unique' circumstances to be comfortable with some of the things he does in his private life. He's very open. Nothing is too much information. We've had some interesting conversations.

Last Wednesday, D, my new offsider at work rang to say he was going speed dating, but there were not enough girls, so he wanted me to go with him. It's not something I'd really considered before, and I was fairly apprehensive, but I said I'd go since I had nothing better to do on a Wed night. It was a nice night overall. I could debate the pros and cons of the results, but that would be a separate post in itself. I only met one out of the ten guys who I was remotely interested in chatting to again for longer than 6 minutes and hopefully we'll catch up in the next week or so.

But, at the end of the night, D and I were chatting to the girl who was hosting and she mentioned (although I'm sure she's not supposed to) another guy she thought I'd get on really well with. It happened that D had met this guy once before and said he agreed I should meet him. The girl gave him my number and he called on Thursday night. We organised to meet on Saturday. Lemme just say here that I've done a lot of things in my time, but I've never had a proper blind date before, where I didn't know what the person looked like, and knew little else. So it was sorta scary.

He sent me a text on Sat morning saying we could either go for coffee early or I could go along with him to a dating brunch - which, it turns out, is like speed dating, but there's more socialising and interacting with both sexes and the conversations are a little longer, before the guys change tables. I chose the brunch.

He looks very similar to the guy I met on Wed night, so that was odd, but in a good way. And he's a nice guy. We did the brunch thing, got talking to a lot of people and had a pretty decent time - separately, for the most part. I made friends with the two girls at my table and exchanged details with them, so if I make one or two female friends from it, that's a bonus as well.

Afterwards, we went for a walk down near the river in the city and had drinks and something to eat. It was nice. No pressure. No expectations. If we catch up again for coffee or food, that'll be nice, but since he hosts speed dating events (I've registered coz, if nothing more, it's a nice, relatively cheap night out meeting people) and relationships workshops, I'm sure I'll see him again. He does have 4 girls under 10 (9, 7 and twin 6yos!) who live with him f/t, so that's a rather large consideration!

The whole meeting boys thing has reiterated that I'm in no position to have something serious with anyone. I wasn't there 3 1/2 months ago when I met G and I'm certainly not there now. But, it's nice getting out and being social. Friends now might be something more later, so it's all good.

Yesterday, I did something totally different. I went to the human body expo at Docklands. I was expecting more gore than there was and I was expecting to feel slightly queazy about the whole thing. Instead, I was a little let down. It was an experience and it was fascinating in a 'these are real people they've chopped, sliced, and diced' kind of way, but the bodies were plasticised, so they didn't seem as real as I was anticipating. Although....it was interesting to see a smoker's lungs beside a non-smoker's lungs. I'm glad I don't smoke!

I went with the girls from my social group and it took us about an hour and a half to see everything. If you're into anatomy or you're nursing or a doctor, you'd have an awesome time.

Afterwards, we walked down to see the Robert Hunter, which is one of the Sea Shepherd's pirate ships. Not sure if you remember the black pirate ship, the Farley Mowat I went on last November? We did the tour of the Robert Hunter, watched their latest video of them stopping Japanese whaling vessels in Australian Antarctic waters, and I bought a very cool (rather expensive) beanie as my way to make a small contribution/donation. These are unpaid people putting themselves in dangerous circumstances in order to make a difference. I admire that.

I'm going back to work tomorrow at lunch time, so today's my last day of doing not much of anything. That's really all I have to report, so I'm going to go and read my book on my balcony, if it's not too windy, then go watch Dr Phil while I eat my lunch, just coz I can.

I think....

.... I need to go back to al-anon. Bug me till I say I've gone, ok?

Ok, so where were we?

First of all, something I've been debating in my head, for reasons I'll explain soon. This is a familiar Dr Seuss quote for some of you, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind". But...

What if those who matter do mind? What if being who you are is detrimental to your 'self'? Should 'those who matter' not mind? I dunno. I think they should.

G moved out of here two weeks ago - right about the time things were crazy for both of us. It made me see things I hadn't really paid attention to before. Actually, it started sinking in a couple of weeks prior.

I told him when we first met that I would help him and support what he needed to do as long as he was helping himself. I took at face value that he meant what he said he wanted. Perhaps he does want the things he said, but it's easier to get attention and have people fall about your feet being supportive, when you're all about trouble and angst, than doing the hard work to make positive changes and maybe upset a couple of people - including yourself - in the process.

I had to walk away from it, because I realised I was caring more about him making the changes he said he wanted to, to become a better person, than he did. I wanted it for him more than he did. And I saw someone who has learned how to take, but not give without expecting something in return. I saw someone who'd never been held accountable before. He wanted a friend who would praise the steps forward, (and I did/still do), but did not want the friend who was also prepared to tell him to step up and be a man. I lost respect for a person I still care about, and that's a shame. It's long. The detail is not really necessary.

A guy friend gave me a whack to the head about all this last week. I told him when I first met G that I knew it was a road I shouldn't go down. I saw what I was repeating. I guess I needed another reminder. He said I lean towards guys who need me more than I need them, then I get frustrated because I don't get back what I need. So true. I didn't want a relationship with G. But when you live with someone the way we did, you naturally build expectations. I'm sure I didn't meet some of his and I know I made mistakes. I can own that. I was always honest. I'm proud of that. He put me on a pedestal I was never comfortable being on. I knew the only way to go was down. I doubt the pedestal is there now. In that regard, he probably feels let down. Perhaps rightly so.

How do I feel about writing off a friendship because the person did not meet my expectations of them? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. I wouldn't have minded so much if he'd have said, "this is what I want, but I'm just not prepared to do it yet". I could have accepted that and re-written the boundaries. But don't tell me you want something for yourself, then justify not doing that with lame excuses, and expect me to be proud of that. Honesty starts within. I know this. I'm still learning it.

I'm disappointed that things went pear-shaped and I hold myself mostly responsible. I knew what would happen, in the way that I just sense things sometimes. It was the timing I wasn't really sure of. There are things I know about G that he hasn't told me. I just know. These things made it necessary for me to walk away.

The price I've paid? A friend I care about, no longer being able to go to the first gym I really felt comfortable in, the community of people at that gym, and a bit of pride.

So, I've learnt another lesson....well, I've been given another lesson. Time will tell if I actually learnt anything, although I'd like to think I have.

On the job scene, well I've had this week off - except that I worked most of my first day off and some of my second day off, so I'm having some of next week away as well. I had to be away from the stress. It's reiterated the fact that I need to be out of there and the down time has given me back some of the energy/self esteem I need to be able to interview well.

All this shit might have knocked me down, but I won't be kept down. AFGO, huh!

I have some positive news as well. All is not grey in the world of E. But I will leave that for tomorrow, because tomorrow is yet another interesting experience that will be worth sharing, I'm sure. Stay tuned!

Thanks everyone for checking up on me. I've been ok for the most part - surprisingly so. Just haven't had the energy to share it all. Thanks for caring. :-)