Ok, so where were we?

First of all, something I've been debating in my head, for reasons I'll explain soon. This is a familiar Dr Seuss quote for some of you, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind". But...

What if those who matter do mind? What if being who you are is detrimental to your 'self'? Should 'those who matter' not mind? I dunno. I think they should.

G moved out of here two weeks ago - right about the time things were crazy for both of us. It made me see things I hadn't really paid attention to before. Actually, it started sinking in a couple of weeks prior.

I told him when we first met that I would help him and support what he needed to do as long as he was helping himself. I took at face value that he meant what he said he wanted. Perhaps he does want the things he said, but it's easier to get attention and have people fall about your feet being supportive, when you're all about trouble and angst, than doing the hard work to make positive changes and maybe upset a couple of people - including yourself - in the process.

I had to walk away from it, because I realised I was caring more about him making the changes he said he wanted to, to become a better person, than he did. I wanted it for him more than he did. And I saw someone who has learned how to take, but not give without expecting something in return. I saw someone who'd never been held accountable before. He wanted a friend who would praise the steps forward, (and I did/still do), but did not want the friend who was also prepared to tell him to step up and be a man. I lost respect for a person I still care about, and that's a shame. It's long. The detail is not really necessary.

A guy friend gave me a whack to the head about all this last week. I told him when I first met G that I knew it was a road I shouldn't go down. I saw what I was repeating. I guess I needed another reminder. He said I lean towards guys who need me more than I need them, then I get frustrated because I don't get back what I need. So true. I didn't want a relationship with G. But when you live with someone the way we did, you naturally build expectations. I'm sure I didn't meet some of his and I know I made mistakes. I can own that. I was always honest. I'm proud of that. He put me on a pedestal I was never comfortable being on. I knew the only way to go was down. I doubt the pedestal is there now. In that regard, he probably feels let down. Perhaps rightly so.

How do I feel about writing off a friendship because the person did not meet my expectations of them? Well, it's a little more complicated than that. I wouldn't have minded so much if he'd have said, "this is what I want, but I'm just not prepared to do it yet". I could have accepted that and re-written the boundaries. But don't tell me you want something for yourself, then justify not doing that with lame excuses, and expect me to be proud of that. Honesty starts within. I know this. I'm still learning it.

I'm disappointed that things went pear-shaped and I hold myself mostly responsible. I knew what would happen, in the way that I just sense things sometimes. It was the timing I wasn't really sure of. There are things I know about G that he hasn't told me. I just know. These things made it necessary for me to walk away.

The price I've paid? A friend I care about, no longer being able to go to the first gym I really felt comfortable in, the community of people at that gym, and a bit of pride.

So, I've learnt another lesson....well, I've been given another lesson. Time will tell if I actually learnt anything, although I'd like to think I have.

On the job scene, well I've had this week off - except that I worked most of my first day off and some of my second day off, so I'm having some of next week away as well. I had to be away from the stress. It's reiterated the fact that I need to be out of there and the down time has given me back some of the energy/self esteem I need to be able to interview well.

All this shit might have knocked me down, but I won't be kept down. AFGO, huh!

I have some positive news as well. All is not grey in the world of E. But I will leave that for tomorrow, because tomorrow is yet another interesting experience that will be worth sharing, I'm sure. Stay tuned!

Thanks everyone for checking up on me. I've been ok for the most part - surprisingly so. Just haven't had the energy to share it all. Thanks for caring. :-)