Anniversaries

Yesterday was the football grand final. (Ian, H@wthorn beat G33long, if you care.) I didn't watch it. I was too busy getting a massage. *Note to everyone - shop while the football is on; you'll be alone.*

There I was, lying down peacefully, having my shoulders soothed, and it occurred to me that it was two years to the day that I called Tony and told him I was done with the relationship. Getting really specific, the date is today, but the day was yesterday.

The last two years have been eventful (haha, when's my life not eventful?) and more trying than I could have anticipated, but I think, overall, I'm happier. The idea of another relationship has not been appealing, for the most part. I've spent a bunch of time this year talking to M. We eventually met last weekend and got on fine, but what was there a couple of months ago wasn't there when we met. That was mostly due to me being frustrated with him taking so long to decide when to meet, so I distanced myself emotionally. I've never learnt how to get back to that point once I've lost it. We're still in contact, but it's not the same. Actually, for him, it is and I don't quite understand how that can be.

But, today, two years from the day I said goodbye to someone, I'm saying hello to someone else. The word 'date' bugs me a little and I don't like to use it in instances like this, because it implies (to me) romance. I'm catching up with D for coffee and pancakes. As far as expectations, I expect to get on well. He seems fun. You know there's a hitch, though, right? He's going overseas for five months in November. That doesn't bother me at all, coz I have no chickens to count at the moment. All I know is we talk easily and that's really all that matters. Otherwise, I may have to eat my pancakes quickly.

So, how are you feeling?

I had my annual girl check up today, and got more than I bargained for. It started off as normal, with a brief chat about my medical history. The good thing is it's been positive for the last 12 months, so I'm pretty confident I'll get another clear result in a couple of weeks.

What was weird was the conversation that took place during and after the check. I know they're supposed to keep you engaged so you don't think about the uncomfort and I went along with the chat. It started getting strange when she looked at me and I felt as though she was almost reading my mind. She asked questions that were so pointed and so appropriate to my current life experiences that I had to keep looking away from her.

At one point, I was on the verge of tears, although I tried not to show it. She was asking if I was stressed, do I relax enough, am I taking time out for myself, am I feeling alright, do I say "no" enough.? General questions sure, but the way she asked was if she already knew what I was going to say...or what I wasn't going to say. I can't even really describe it. I answered what I could.

When I left, my heart was racing so much that I had to consciously take deep breaths to calm myself down. Strange afternoon.

Thanks

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. L seems to have come through the surgery well. They weren't going to put her under a general, but in the end had to - which made things even more complicated coz the last general she had almost killed her. Yeah, so good my sister didn't find out till afterwards.

She hasn't spoken to the surgeon yet, although everything looks good so far.

Today is good.

There've been better days

L has her surgery in 8 hours or so from now. Not one of her ungrateful, thoughtless, a-hole in-laws are at, or will be at the hospital to support her. So, she's having heart surgery alone with no support. I was going to say I'm angry. I don't know what I am.

And unless I can find a housemate in the next 6 weeks, I will need to move yet again. After guaranteeing me that things would be settled till at least the end of next year, my BIL told me tonight he's moving to Sydney....well, the military are moving him because he's not being utilised here, but he had a say in where and when and the final decision. I am sick of people breaking agreements and me being the one who pays the price.

I am trying really hard to be positive and grateful, but some days that's hard.

Thoughts, prayers, anything

I just got a message from my sister that my niece is scheduled to have heart surgery soon, coz the beta blockers aren't working, so they've taken her off them. She's been taken from work to hospital in an ambulance a number of times in the last few weeks.

It's her 29th birthday tomorrow.

I don't know what else to say.

Positive thoughts would be great, thanks.

Family part 15 - Communication, or lack thereof

The dynamics between siblings in my family have always been a bit strained. Sometimes, not on the surface, but always underneath.

Sister #1 has a smorgasbord of health and mental issues that have caused rifts and she's done things to some of us that are hard to forgive. I won't go into the details of her issues, but most make her a social outcast in general society.

Sister #2 has spent most of her years in the shadow of sister #3 and relying on her for support and friendship. Sister #3, it seems, now feels sister #2 will owe her a debt of gratitude for eternity and must adhere to sister #3's requests every time she says "jump".

Sister #3 is selfish and has only ever been out for personal gain. She has her own family and the rest of us are insignificant. That's just how it's always been.

Then there's me.

And my brother. He's always been the one who gets on with everyone. Until recently. He's become rude, arrogant, and caught up in the hype of himself and his cool, new job. He's getting married in November.

S#1 sent my birthday present to my brother, because I was moving at the time and his fiance said they'd deliver it to me. That was some time in July. He left me a voicemail message on my birthday about coming to see me, but has not been in touch since. S#1 has been trying to call him constantly to see when and if they're going to deliver the present, or work out how to otherwise get it to me. He never answers the phone, never returns her calls. Mostly, he's always been like that with S#1, but now he does it with everyone. You can't get him on the phone and he won't call anyone back.

It was his birthday yesterday and I know I should have called, but I didn't. He upset me a lot last time I saw him and I need an apology I know I won't get. His wedding is in November and I'm completely unenthusiastic about it. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with that.

S#1 tried calling him, too, and left yet another message. Next, she called me. In tears. I admit there are times I don't answer the phone when I see it's S#1. Often she calls for no particular reason and at times when it's difficult to just sit and listen to her talk about nothing for ages. But I took the call and was more than surprised when she broke down. For all the things she's said and done over the years, I can still empathise with her hurting, because I get why she does.

She gets treated as a second rate person by everyone, myself included. Again, that's over stuff I've not yet learned how to forgive. She's unwell, and she's ostracised by people. She stays home, rarely goes anywhere and has nurses and people who need to come to her house to help her each day. They're supposed to come after lunch, to give her time to get up, get dressed etc. Her maintenance guy turned up before lunch yesterday and let himself in. His wife also came over and walked straight through the house. S#1 was still in her dressing gown. The wife said she didn't mind. S#1 was in tears as she was telling me that nobody cares if she minds that people are over when she's not dressed, or not feeling the best. I completely understand. She's grateful, but wants to be treated like a human, with a bit of respect.

Sigh...from a family perspective, it's hard to be respectful of someone who can cause hurt and not feel the slightest bit of remorse, although I can justify that lack of response by seeing that one can only admit fault if they believe they're at fault in the first place. From a human perspective, she should be shown compassion.

S#1 has never opened up to me like she did yesterday. I've never heard her cry like that. I guess my brother not answering yesterday was more than she could handle. I told her to call dad, because I really didn't know what else to do and dad has a calming effect on all of us. Even if he has no idea what to do, or say, he'll listen and sometimes that's enough.

That was yesterday morning. In the evening she called me asking for help on her 3-b@y shop, because she was getting intense headaches and vomiting like she was before she had her stroke and couldn't do her work. My niece's recent hospital admission in Italy, because of her heart problems, can't be helping S#1's stress levels. I did what she wanted and told her to call her doctor. She asked me not to tell mum, but it's fathers day today and I'm going to tell dad when I talk to him.

What I haven't told anyone (IRL) is the sharp headaches and dizziness I've had for a while now. I wonder if vomiting the other week for no apparent reason, at the city train station, in peak hour is related, but I'd like to think not. At any rate, I have an unrelated hospital visit scheduled in about ten days and I'm going to ask to see someone about it while I'm there.

A lesson

One of the rules of the world is that taxi drivers will take you the longest way home, charge you more than they should, then get angry when you question them.

I worked late last night and was given a voucher to get home. And I just wanted to get home. So I hailed a cab outside my office and was immediately pissed off. The car stunk ridiculously of cigarette smoke. Whatever happened to not smoking in taxis, I dunno, but it was bad to the point that I was feeling unwell by the time I got home. Anyway, I digress...

I told him I wanted to go to my suburb in the northern suburbs. When he started taking me towards the eastern suburbs, I got concerned. But I shut up. I wanted to see where exactly he was taking me. For a split second, it flashed across my mind that I was being abducted and I was going to be taken to the mountains and chopped up. Really.

It turns out he was taking me home a way I'd never been before, didn't know was possible, and got me home sooner than I expected. Still, I'm glad the company paid and I'm glad we don't tip in this country, coz that was an expensive trip.

I've been trying hard lately to keep open minded and calm about things I would normally worry about (like the tender I was working on last night that was due at 5pm this afternoon - and that we finished and sent at 4.55pm) and I'm glad I exercised patience with the taxi driver, despite the horrid smell of his cab. Sometimes people prove you wrong in a good way.