Frustration

This year seems to be the year of roadblocks and, quite frankly, I wouldn't mind having an army tank to drive straight through them. I've had enough. I'm tired of other people changing the rules half way through the game. I'm tired of people assuming I'll be ok with that, knowing I have no choice but to accept the change.

It's funny how as soon as you think you've found the direction you want to take, every kind of setback and hindrance presents themselves and you wonder when it's ever going to end and how you're ever going to get where you want to be.

It's so damn hard to keep going when you feel like you're making no headway. I'm tired for a lot of reasons. I know I'll eventually be doing exactly what I want to be doing, but I really would like to have someone to sit with me in the evenings and tell me to keep going, because some days I wonder if I can do it by myself.

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Remember when I let G stay with me so he could sort his life, business, relationship, mental health? When he moved out, I was relieved to be free of the emotional stress that put me under, because I had enough of my own to deal with at the time. He moved out on the weekend and was living with someone else by the next Friday. His life is still as crazy. He spent some time stalking her over the last few months (and readily admits he was obsessed with 'winning' her back). At the same time, he thinks he's been working towards reconciling and starting over with his ex (who I keep reminding him is not his ex as they are not divorced and they still see each other every weekend). Confused? Eh, not as much as he is.

So I've been storing some stuff in his storage unit, which is literally around the corner from my house, a few hundred metres away. Unfortunately, the woman he was living with and ended up stalking is even closer. In fact, she lives on the street I've moved to, about a hundred or so metres down. Weird coincidence!

He came around today to talk about selling me some of the gym equipment he has stored. That didn't happen. He burst into tears the moment he walked through the door. And a strange thing happened. I didn't want to hug him, or console him, which is quite unlike me. Really, I wanted to hit him on the head and tell him that's what you get when you don't think of the consequences of your actions. I did get to that later in the evening when he'd stopped using all my tissues. But I surprised myself with how little I reacted to his pain. I guess it's because he's been repeating the same dumb things for months and admits I give him the most useful advice, but he's chosen to ignore it.

He sees me as some kind of, I dunno, Y0da-like person who is all knowing, all seeing and he gushes compliments. I'm a bit, "Meh" about it all, because I just see myself as having made some mistakes in life and learnt from them not to do them again, whereas he keeps making the same mistakes and wondering why he's not getting any happier. So I made him watch The S3cr3t dvd. Ha! Then I made him watch a show about juvenile criminals. It was a lesson about gratitude.

Frankly, I thought my Saturday sucked more. I didn't get something I wanted very badly, for reasons I don't quite understand and it left me feeling worse than I have in a long time. He just had to drive past the house of an ex to see me.

Then again, he stayed the night with his (not) ex-wife, got a 4am text from the woman he was stalking, came to my place for coffee and while here received text messages from a 22yo girl from his last job who he assures me he wasn't leading on. Um, yeah, right. I told him to text her right back, apologise for not being honest about his relationship status and tell her he was only in a position to be friends...and he did! Ok, so maybe his confused world sucks a bit more than mine did yesterday. But we react so differently to our circumstances.

I told him the things I'd done in the 24 hours since I got the news I didn't want, in order to improve the situation. He thinks it's amazing that I can do that. I said it's just life. You get hit, you fall down, you get up again. There's not much you can do and see -or be - while your face is in the mud, so you just keep going coz there's no other option. He hasn't hit the ground often enough to want not to experience it again.

We didn't get to the storage unit. I told him he could come back next Sunday, hopefully without tears. I did say if it was going to be another therapy session, then I'd expect to be paid.

So, now where do I start?

I'd have updated earlier in the week, but blogger tagged my blog as spam and I had to contact them within a certain time frame or they were going to delete my entire blog. Yes, I was impressed! While they were considering if I was real, or a robot, they wouldn't let me post. But...moving on...

I'm in my new place and I only have two boxes left of 'stuff' to unpack. It's things that don't really have a place, or I can't find room for. I've also realised I have far more books than I had noticed previously. I'm not sure why that is, but it means I have to invest, at some stage soon, in a rather large, additional bookcase. At least now I have the space for one.

Living with my bro-in-law has been good so far. My sister thinks all his military stuff that he's received and/or collected over the years is just stuff to collect dust. I think it's all very cool, including a framed collection of knots that now has prime position in our place when previously it was banned from being shown. Yes, go on, laugh if you will, but I love the thinking and skill involved in making them. The combination of my very large tv, my collection of military books/dvds and other guy interest stuff, as well as the fact that I'll sit down and watch football apparently makes me prime girlfriend material. All I have to do now is find a guy. :p

The flip side of all that is that I get to spend every second weekend home alone, while he goes to visit my sister interstate. And those are/will be my girl weekends.

I'm no longer working in the place they keep people in cold storage and I miss it already. The CEO of the organisation and the State C.o.r0n3r want me to go back at some stage, which is really nice to know. The guy who can make that decision knows what terms I'll go back there on, so I'm hoping to hear from him soon. In the meantime, I'm working for an IT r3cruit1ng company. Corporate is sooo different from government! I'm working my butt off for the first time in 8 months. As much as I enjoy it and the people are nice, it's so not what I want to do and I can't wait till the balance of office hours vs personal training hours shifts in the other direction.

Speaking of which, I'm finally being officially assessed by the head of the PT franchise I'm working for on Thursday. Yes, I have an assessment on my birthday. Oh well, bring it on! It shouldn't be difficult, but I really don't like being critiqued like that. It's bad enough the nights I co-teach with the other trainer, but having them both watch will be kinda annoying. Still, I'm looking forward to it, because it means more opportunities and more money and those are both good things.

Strangely, and thankfully, my current boss is really supportive of my desire to do PT full time. So much so that he's keen for me to take the staff for morning group classes if there are enough interested people. He's also given me permission to do whatever research and planning I need to while I'm at work (in the minimal free time I have!), so that I can try to have enough clients by the time I leave this job (mid Sept) that I won't need very many office hours at all.

I've been without much internet access for a while now and I no longer have a land line at home, because trying to get that connected was a ridiculous debacle of extreme proportions. My new intenet access is intermittent, because we're in an area that's very hilly and has lots of trees. We're coming to realise technology does not like our house, but that's ok. I have all those books to read!

Ah, what else has happened? Oh, my niece is now out of hospital, but has been wearing a heart monitor to see what's going on. She had a bad kidney problem and the antibiotics she had to take for that have made her heart issues worse. Hopefully, we'll know in a few days what the full story is. She's said she hopes she and her girls can come here for my brother's wedding in November, but I'm not getting excited about that till I know it's definite. There are a lot of things that could go wrong between now and then. I would love to see her!

I'm sure there's plenty more I've forgotten, oh, including my crazy ex housemate, but that will have to wait. Sleep beckons.