I can't believe I've been so stupid

I realised over the last couple of days that a lot of things I've made various 'excuses' about over time have been directly related to my narcolepsy. I feel so dumb that it's taken me this long to figure it out.

I missed a lot of my last year or so of high school, because I would just go there and sleep during class. I put that down to stress and stuff going on in the family and it made sense at the time that it was just 'stress'. My grades reflected it and I went from an A student to pretty shitty marks.

I fell asleep frequently during a week long Microsoft course a few years ago. I put that down to boredom. :p

I've fallen asleep in meetings. I put that down to disinterest.

The last few months, (well always, actually) I've frequently zoned out or had short sleep attacks at work. I put that down to lack of enthusiasm, because they were (to me) menial temp jobs.

Add weight gain, short term memory issues, inability to concentrate/focus, hypnagogic hallucinations, weird body temperature fluctuations....I have NO idea why I couldn't see it was my narcolepsy. I told myself I was tired, depressed, stressed, getting old, you name it.

I went off my medication a couple of years ago (my doctor knew), because I felt I didn't need it. Only now I'm realising how badly I do need it and always have. I found a support board on f@ceb00k this week and everything makes sense now. All of it.

How stubborn and cocky have I been to think that I could have just got over a brain chemical imbalance that has no cure? I am pissed off with myself. The last 12-24 months has been really hard, for a lot of reasons, but it didn't have to be so hard. That thought makes me frustrated, but also relieved.

I sent my specialist an email yesterday asking for a new appointment asap, so I can go back on the medication again. I don't care anymore about the stigma of taking a narcotic. I want my quality of life back. I'll probably have to go back to hospital for a polysomnograph and MSLT, but it will be worth being hooked up to computers for a night if I can get back to 'normal'. Whatever that is.

Lori, I just read your latest post and wanted to show you this re parasomnias and somnambulism. From this website.

Although, strictly speaking, this heading includes all events accompanying sleep, generally only such conditions as sleep-walking, sleep-talking, sleep-automatisms, sleep-terrors, confusional arousals, nightmares, head-banging, teeth-grinding, periodic movements of sleep and also the phenomena of REM sleep behaviour are subsumed under this heading......

Sometimes complications, such as falls or stumbles, pose a danger for the walker, and outside help can help the walker to avoid these. Recollection of such nocturnal events on the following morning is fragmentary and undetailed.....

Narcolepsy, or a predisposition to it, is usually an inherited condition, but has occurred after head injury or brain damage caused by severe infection. The prevalence of narcolepsy is estimated to be 1-2 per 2000. .....

It's interesting that they've recommended you see a cardiologist, too (interesting to me coz that's one of my issues as well). Did you do the MSLT after the polysomnograph/sleep study? Could it be possible that your faints are actually sleep attacks? Just something extra you might wanna ask the docs if that hasn't already been ruled out.

New year, new beginnings

Life is interesting, ain't it?

M (ex-bf who was trying to find me) called on Wednesday night and asked when I start my new job. I told him Monday. He told me he wanted to fly me up there for a few days before I start work. Overwhelming, much? I declined. I'm happy to see him in February, when he comes here, but I really need the time in between now and then to absorb things and get used to the idea of seeing him again.

My foot is still sore, but that's partly my fault. I've stayed off it as best I could, but....well, there's reality, too. The beginning of the week was fine, but after walking around for a few days, I've conceded that there's only so much I can do and I need to still go easy. Bummer.

Starting the new job on Monday. I should be grateful. I recognise that. I also recognise that the salary (which I'm being extremely ungrateful about) is my fault and perhaps I should have pushed harder and not settled how and when I did. It's a good job. If the salary were what I'd like, it would be the perfect job. Meanwhile, I'm waiting on an interview for a different kind of job, with more a more than perfect salary.

Ethically, I'm struggling with the fact that I've accepted something good, but less than ideal, knowing I could get a better/different opportunity in a couple of weeks. The circumstances around the entire situation have put me in a rock/hard place kind of position, so I'm trying to just let things happen as much as possible. Ultimately, I have to do what's best for me, even if it may inconvenience other people. I don't like it, but I do know it's time I started putting myself first.

Rob, the new housemate, moved his things in today. He asked if he could stay the night. I thought that was funny. He has a key, he's paid his rent, the place is his as much as it's mine.