High on emotion

Washing of the Water - Peter Gabriel

River, river carry me on
Living river carry me on
River, river carry me on
To the place where I come from

So deep, so wide, will you take me on your back for a ride
If I should fall, would you swallow me deep inside

River, show me how to float
I feel like I'm sinking down
Thought that I could get along
But here in this water
My feet won't touch the ground
I need something to turn myself around

Going away, away towards the sea
River deep, can you lift up and carry me
Oh roll on though the heartland'
Til the sun has left the sky
River, river carry me high'
Til the washing of the water make it all allright
Let your waters reach me like she reached me tonight

Letting go, it's so hard
The way it's hurting now
To get this love untied
So tough to stay with thing'
Cause if I follow through
I face what I denied
I get those hooks out of me
And I take out the hooks that I sunk deep in your side
Kill that fear of emptiness, loneliness I hide

River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away


Sometimes, I have so much to say that I don't know what to say, so I'll let lyrics say it for me. Usually, someone else's. 

It's possible to be happy, excited and looking forward to good things, appreciating all you are and all you have, yet still be sad, feel let down, frustrated, and isolated. 

A few hours ago, my thoughts were a lot more articulate. Now? I've listened to too much emotional music, sung too loud and scared the cats away. Here I was thinking they only didn't like 'I Am Woman'. Seems they also do not like Chris De Burgh.

Today has been a walk down memory lane. I'm a long way from where I started and yet I feel like I've not gone very far at all. 

I will wake up tomorrow and it will be a good day, for I will make it so.

Everything's changed, but it's still the same

I like it here. It's my safe place. The people who know me here are people I trust. Facebook is staged. This is me raw; shoeless, dirt on my face, in an old t-shirt that hasn't been washed in too long. I'll tell you things I wouldn't tell you in person, but I'll say them anyway, when they need to be said.

No naming names, as usual. There'll be initials and pseudonyms. That's how it works. If you join me on this ride (again, or anew), hang on. I'm not sure where it's headed.

I'm frustrated, yet content. I think that's just how deep thinkers live.

Kalliope. Epic poetry. My life.

Almost a year!!

I figured I should come back here and see if it's still around....if anyone who read before is still around. Are we all on F@ceb--k now?

About 30,000 things have happened since this time last year. I'm not sure what to say and probably won't say any of it now....just thought I should check in and say I'm still alive, still head above water, and doing....not as great as I'd like, but things aren't as bad as they could be. Plodding along...

I'll be back soon....at least in less than a year from now! xox

Some days...

....it would be nice to share the responsibilities with someone.

I feel slightly schiz0phr3nic lately. The good is really good, the not so good is overwhelming and I skate between the two moment to moment. To be honest, it's exhausting - mentally and physically.

I do not like feeling up one minute and down the next, depending on what's happened. September is my "life will get back to normal" month - that's what I'm telling myself. That's what I'm hoping.

Ya know, I had a bunch more typed out, but I deleted it. I don't want to whine. There's a big hole and I have to figure out how to get out of it...soon.

Ok, I decided I had more to say.

It really piss3s me off that I'm earning way below my potential these days. I used to have disposable income. I used to do pretty much whatever I liked. I'm really annoyed that the last job didn't work out, because all I needed was another 6 months to get a buffer. I'm annoyed that they pushed me into a corner and made me make a decision I didn't want to make.

I'm stubborn and I'm determined...but that doesn't get bills paid. Working does. I know my business will be successful. The companies I'm working with are extremely supportive of what I'm doing now and the idea I have for when I come back from K0k0d@. The feedback I've had from people who have related interests in that project is also very positive.

But I'm doing it on my own and trying to juggle doing what I have to do with doing what I'd like to do....I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I know once I'm there, the pressure will be off. And I should be in that place before the end of the year.

The last 18 months of my stupid illness getting worse, lack of proper employment, trying to build a business.... Honestly, I must be insane! I've given up lifestyle and so much more to be able to do what I want to do. I'm stubborn enough to get it done and be where I want to be.

I'm also stubborn enough not to ask for help and I know that's the downside of being me.

On impulse

I've been sitting here thinking about where I'm at and how I got here. Things are looking good and positive on the outside - I have a few clients (two more in one day this week!) and have been offered some ongoing work a couple of days a week doing something that will probably send me insane by the 3 month "Do I want to keep doing this?" date I've agreed to.

I'm getting lots of positive assistance and support from businesses I've contacted, who are working with me in various ways to help me build my personal training business. One in particular is actively finding referrals for me - and if I meet with those referrals, I can invoice the business for my time. It's nuts. And it was his suggestion. I can see us working more closely down the track, but it's good already.

The thing is, I'm also drowning...in tiredness, in responsibility, in lack of time to do [insert task], lack of money and needing the part time work, which increases the whole lack of time thing. The financial thing is just scary. All this good stuff is going on and looking like it's getting somewhere positive, but each week I worry that I'm sinking and how I'm going to get out of that by the next week.

I've turned going to K0k0d@ into a business idea that is getting really good feedback. But let's not discuss the fact that I still haven't fully paid for that trip. And I won't be working for most of August.

Yes, I'm whining....well, staying just short of panicking, really.

It will get better. I know it will. I'll just keep pretending till then that life feels as good as it looks.

(And, M, yes, I now have a page on FB!)

Oh and...

I quit my job on Tuesday. Nobody would tell me what was going on, including my bosses who you'd think would know. They didn't want to get involved with all the cr@p that was going on, which basically meant even though they had no issues with my work, I had nobody on 'my side'. So I called bullshit on the whole situation and said I had enough. I offered to stay until they found a replacement, but they didn't want that. I wasn't owed anything except leave pay, but they offered to pay me out in addition. Guilt, much?

It's weird. I'm not stressed about it at all.

I REALLY need clients now, but I feel good about things.

Getting to the heart of the matter

I'm a bit disappointed. I don't think I'll be going back for another Echo in the near future. This is a bit of a shame. It means I probably won't get to see Jarrod again. He's the guy who ran the test. Twenty-three, very nice looking, and charming. It was worth all the annoyance for that. Ha! He sent me behind the curtain to take my clothes off and put the gown on. I said I didn't see the point in going behind the counter if he was going to be seeing my nekkid top half anyway. :-D

Why do I think I won't be having another Echo any time soon? Well, someone, somewhere along the line got the message very wrong. It turns out Jarrod's 'supervisor' was the woman who did my original Echo back in 2000. They both looked at the results while I was there. Normal. WTF? Yes, there's very minor regurgitation and a definite murmur, but inconsequential. Right. So I have NO idea why I was told there was an issue all this time.

The test results still have to be reviewed by the cardiologist, but Jarrod and the other lady both agreed there was pretty much nothing to there that was anything to worry about. My doc should tell me in about two weeks. It still means the pains I get are unexplained, but I can put up with that knowing that I'm 99.5% ok otherwise.

I had a full blood test last weekend, too. My (other) doc called me on Friday afternoon to let me know the results were all good. Blood sugar levels, good cholesterol, triglycerides etc are all pretty much normal.

All this is good news, because I have to have a full medical before I go to K0k0d@ in August. Now the only hurdle is making sure I'll be able to take class B controlled drugs into P@pu@ New Gu!nea. A note from the doctor should be ok, I hope.

Speaking of 'the trek', I did an hour of step-ups carrying about 14 pounds of weights in a backpack today. My legs aren't all that sore, which is good. I need to be able to do a few hours at a time, with about 20 pounds of weight. I really do like punishing myself, don't I?

Excuse me, I seem to have lost my month

Where'd the time go?

This is a fly-by....

M will be here from 24 May to early June. I am nervous and excited.

My personal training business has had a positive boost. I'm cross promoting in two stores of a major womens' fitness wear retailer. Hopefully, that will bring lots of new clients. I NEED new clients.

K0k0d@ is booked and I've paid the deposit. Somehow, I have to find the money (or the sponsors to give me the money) to pay the balance and buy the equipment I need. In just over three months, I'll be trekking through the jungle for 10 days.

Work....sucks. Faaaar too much to explain, but the bottom line is I'm 99% certain I'll be finishing there at the end of next week. Right now, I don't care, except for the lack of income, which I really need. This is why I need the personal training business to kick off. Fast.

All things medical are pretty good. Medication is working, having some blood tests on Saturday, the heart Echo is next Friday, and my regular girl check up showed no issues (nice change there!!).

Most important current project is somehow producing all my marketing and promotional material with no money. And sponsors for the trek; that would help a lot! I'll find a way.

Hugs and all good things to everyone. I miss you and I know it's remiss of me to not have been in touch lately. Know you're all in my thoughts always.