Just breathe
I'm learning patience in a number of ways lately.
Since I've got the thought of buying a house into my head again, and given that I'm in a better position to do so now than I've ever been, I want to do it NOW. But I know now is not the right time and it's not something I want to rush into. I need to sit tight for a bit, no matter how tempting some options are.
Since I've finally got my drugs again, I want them to work NOW. But I know that my body needs to adjust to them again. Yesterday I was slightly shaky and I could feel the blood pumping through my arms and legs. I need to ease into it slowly.
I'd love to work closer to home. It's not the driving 90 or so minutes every morning that bothers me. I like driving. It's that it makes my days so much longer and I just get tired of driving all that way and not doing much once I get there. I'm giving myself another six months there and I won't actively look for other work in that time. I'll do the workplace assessment and training course, get my certification, then look at my options. I'd just like it to be happening NOW.
I have one more check up at the doctors that I'd like to be done with NOW. I had a bad test result a couple of months back. I need to get that followed up. That'll happen in the next few weeks. Every now and then, I get worried about it. But there's worse things that could be happening to me, so I'll just deal, whatever the result.
I've discovered (yet again) that if a 7yo gets up at 7am and his dad is cactus from doing night shift all week, there's no way you can sleep in. Nobody should be allowed to get up that early on a Saturday. I need to teach that kid to make his own breakfast. That would be easier if he actually liked to eat.
I'd like the situation with my mother and my sister (and the two other sisters I don't talk to) to be resolved NOW. But the fallout of what I'd like to happen could negatively affect other people, so it's going to take balance and tact. My brother's girlfriend told me some things yesterday that my mother has said and done, that I didn't know about before (and mum had no right telling her either). I was feeling slightly sorry for my mother for what her life has been like. Now I'm wondering if she isn't simply mean and manipulative, and rather than unknowingly causing us all grief, she knows exactly what she says and does and how it affects those around her.
(As an aside, RisibleGirl, you might be interested in a book called Becoming Your Own Parent, by Dennis Wholey. It's a bit of a hard read (brings out a lot of emotional 'stuff'), and I've only read parts of it, but it's helping to give me a new perspective on things.)
Since the boy and I have started to rebuild our relationship, I want to see results NOW. He's trying really hard and things are better. I know it can't go from bad to great overnight, but it'd be nice if it did. I am seeing results and that's reaffirming that I've made the right decision for myself to stick this out.
I stayed living with my ex for over 7 years because, on the surface, he had everything that one would expect and want in a partner - good job, big salary, nice car, own house, no debt, top sportsman, could play music, looked good, dressed well, nice friends (who are still my friends now). He was the package. If you didn't need an emotional connection or any type of affection. I stayed because I thought I was ok with sacrificing the emotional side of me in order to live a comfortable existence - I'd convinced myself I was ok with it. In the end, I walked away from that material comfort because I was finally honest with myself that I wanted - needed - the emotional aspect more than the rest.
C and I both earn good money. We could both earn a bunch more if we took jobs in the city, but neither of us is interested in that. We have what we need and we can build on that in time. And as far as what I expect in a partner, he has all that my ex had and then some (except maybe for the musical side, but that's not important). The extra I get is in the attention and the affection. Lately, he hasn't been entirely supportive of me where it's come to us, but I'm understanding that's been more of a territorial thing than anything else. He's been hard to take at times, but fundamentally, he's a great person; someone I'm proud to be with. Overall, he's as supportive as I could hope for. I've never had someone back me as much as he does, when it comes to my family, my job, or anything else for that matter. He really is pretty good.
I'm not making choices based on what other people think and feel anymore. I used to do that all the time and I lost myself. I ask for support, encouragement or advice, depending on circumstances, but my choices are mine. I'm not going to let myself lose myself anymore, and I'm finding strength in the decisions I'm making. The past couple of months have been trying and I've had some pretty desolate moments, but they've proven to me that being true to me and striving for what I think is the right thing for me, is the right thing to do.....even if there are some major hurdles in getting there.
Since I've got the thought of buying a house into my head again, and given that I'm in a better position to do so now than I've ever been, I want to do it NOW. But I know now is not the right time and it's not something I want to rush into. I need to sit tight for a bit, no matter how tempting some options are.
Since I've finally got my drugs again, I want them to work NOW. But I know that my body needs to adjust to them again. Yesterday I was slightly shaky and I could feel the blood pumping through my arms and legs. I need to ease into it slowly.
I'd love to work closer to home. It's not the driving 90 or so minutes every morning that bothers me. I like driving. It's that it makes my days so much longer and I just get tired of driving all that way and not doing much once I get there. I'm giving myself another six months there and I won't actively look for other work in that time. I'll do the workplace assessment and training course, get my certification, then look at my options. I'd just like it to be happening NOW.
I have one more check up at the doctors that I'd like to be done with NOW. I had a bad test result a couple of months back. I need to get that followed up. That'll happen in the next few weeks. Every now and then, I get worried about it. But there's worse things that could be happening to me, so I'll just deal, whatever the result.
I've discovered (yet again) that if a 7yo gets up at 7am and his dad is cactus from doing night shift all week, there's no way you can sleep in. Nobody should be allowed to get up that early on a Saturday. I need to teach that kid to make his own breakfast. That would be easier if he actually liked to eat.
I'd like the situation with my mother and my sister (and the two other sisters I don't talk to) to be resolved NOW. But the fallout of what I'd like to happen could negatively affect other people, so it's going to take balance and tact. My brother's girlfriend told me some things yesterday that my mother has said and done, that I didn't know about before (and mum had no right telling her either). I was feeling slightly sorry for my mother for what her life has been like. Now I'm wondering if she isn't simply mean and manipulative, and rather than unknowingly causing us all grief, she knows exactly what she says and does and how it affects those around her.
(As an aside, RisibleGirl, you might be interested in a book called Becoming Your Own Parent, by Dennis Wholey. It's a bit of a hard read (brings out a lot of emotional 'stuff'), and I've only read parts of it, but it's helping to give me a new perspective on things.)
Since the boy and I have started to rebuild our relationship, I want to see results NOW. He's trying really hard and things are better. I know it can't go from bad to great overnight, but it'd be nice if it did. I am seeing results and that's reaffirming that I've made the right decision for myself to stick this out.
I stayed living with my ex for over 7 years because, on the surface, he had everything that one would expect and want in a partner - good job, big salary, nice car, own house, no debt, top sportsman, could play music, looked good, dressed well, nice friends (who are still my friends now). He was the package. If you didn't need an emotional connection or any type of affection. I stayed because I thought I was ok with sacrificing the emotional side of me in order to live a comfortable existence - I'd convinced myself I was ok with it. In the end, I walked away from that material comfort because I was finally honest with myself that I wanted - needed - the emotional aspect more than the rest.
C and I both earn good money. We could both earn a bunch more if we took jobs in the city, but neither of us is interested in that. We have what we need and we can build on that in time. And as far as what I expect in a partner, he has all that my ex had and then some (except maybe for the musical side, but that's not important). The extra I get is in the attention and the affection. Lately, he hasn't been entirely supportive of me where it's come to us, but I'm understanding that's been more of a territorial thing than anything else. He's been hard to take at times, but fundamentally, he's a great person; someone I'm proud to be with. Overall, he's as supportive as I could hope for. I've never had someone back me as much as he does, when it comes to my family, my job, or anything else for that matter. He really is pretty good.
I'm not making choices based on what other people think and feel anymore. I used to do that all the time and I lost myself. I ask for support, encouragement or advice, depending on circumstances, but my choices are mine. I'm not going to let myself lose myself anymore, and I'm finding strength in the decisions I'm making. The past couple of months have been trying and I've had some pretty desolate moments, but they've proven to me that being true to me and striving for what I think is the right thing for me, is the right thing to do.....even if there are some major hurdles in getting there.
posted by E in Oz at 4:02 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 4:02 pm
4 Comments:
A girlfriend and I have also been joking about our struggles with instant vs. delayed gratification. LOL. Must be a common problem.
Well, things will work out as long as you keep on trucking. Yep, one foot in front of the other... easier said than done sometimes. Hang in there- you're well on your way.
OH, and about A and breakfast? I'd pre-pour cups of milk for E (because the gallon jug is too heavy) and on Saturday mornings, he asks for permission to watch cartoons, then gets his own milk and cereal. You'll scream when you hear this, but he's been doing this since he was 4. I sleep in until 9 am on most Saturdays.
My mom had me making pancake and waffle batter for her (so she could sleep in- LOL!) by the time I was 7.
Hey thanks for the tip on the book. I'll pick up a copy for me AND my sis.
I'm with ya on the wanting everything NOW bit. Sheesh. Where's that patience button?
that's my mantra, too. i want it NOW. don't think i'll even get it later. poor, pitiful me.
you're making great strides, from what i can see. i'm so proud of you, E.
big smooshy hugs,
G
LOL Monica, if the boy actually chose to eat once in a while, it might be ok and I'd try to get him organised the night before. But he doesn't eat unless we sit him down and make him. And don't get me started on the "I am NOT a meat eater" discussions we have over dinner! LOL
He usually plays for a while or watches tv or dvds before he comes to wake us up - he's self sufficient in that respect, so that's a plus.
RG - hugs. Let me know what you think of it.
G - You seem to have pulled through every adversity that's come your way so far. I don't doubt for a moment that things will start to improve for you. Big smooshy hugs back atcha.
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