Spicks and specks

Admist all the turmoil and stress that's been my personal life the last few weeks, the underlying factor is that we both care about each other. We each care differently, and if I was honest, I'd say maybe so differently that it's not entirely healthy.

But we still care.

When we're not butting heads.

It was pretty tense when I got home from work tonight. Last night was another minor misunderstanding taken to a whole stupid level, culminating in me telling him I hated him. I did. In that moment. But that's because I care about him.

He's on night shift this week and that's good. It buys us time and space. And it stops us talking too much. We joke that we go out of our way to talk and connect and be interested in each other's day, but then we start to over analyse things and it all gets out of hand. We sometimes wonder if it'd be better if we were just one of those couples who had the tv on during dinner, who didn't sit at the table, and just watched garbage all night, not saying a word to each other. But we wouldn't like that much. It's not who we are. We're talkers.

We didn't talk for the hour or so between when I got home today and he had to go to work. Only just as he was leaving. As I left for work this morning, I told him he didn't have a heart. I didn't want one of us to walk out the door with negativity again. So we talked....briefly, and hugged.

It's sort of a ritual that we have that I'll call him on his night shift when I'm about to go to sleep. He can watch tv while he works, so we talk about the shows we've watched. In a strange way, it's almost how we made up. I hadn't mentioned about my docs appointment, so he asked me how it went. We were both waiting on the results. He knows how stressed out I've been, wondering if I'd get the drugs or not, and how that would affect 'us', depending on the outcome. It's a weight off my shoulders, and I'd say it's a relief for him. I know I've been hard to live with. We both have, for different reasons.

He's been very selfish lately and said some things I'm not comfortable with. If I didn't have extreme faith in him, I would have been gone and not even told him. He also told me it was over, but his justification was completely irrational, so I wasn't prepared to quit. He's said some things that I know I shouldn't put up with. But I will. I'm choosing to keep working on us and I don't know if it's going to be detrimental to me in the end, or if it's going to pay off in a fabulous way. I'll know in time.

In the meantime, I know he cares. Something is keeping us together. There's an underlying feeling between us that's keeping us going in spite of the recent tears and aggravation. I can't explain it. It's also keeping us on the crazy rollercoaster we've been on. We just haven't worked out a way yet to get off.

I miss him on these nights when he's at work. On the other hand, I need these nights when he's at work. It makes him more loveable at a time when he's being difficult to live with.