To talk, or not to talk

Relationships of any nature can be tough, didn'tcha know! Last week, my psychologist told me I didn't have to keep going to her, because she thinks I'm doing ok. Truth is, I don't think I am. Maybe I've come to rely on her being there to vent to. She has a way of making me feel good about the very things I beat myself up about. And I still have a lot of things to tell her and/or ask her.

She explained something so obvious that I am surprised I didn't figure it out years earlier. I was talking about my relationships (or lack thereof) with my sisters and how I felt closer to my middle sister after spending time with her at the wedding and at the airport when she moved to Perth. Dr Ruth (believe it, or not lol) said no wonder I was overwhelmed by the change in dynamics, because it's really the first time we've connected as adults and not as child/adult.

As a kid, circa 10 years old, my sisters had all moved out, gotten married, had kids, or all the above. I was a kid, they were adults. And they were gone. By the time I was their age, I was also gone, interstate, in the other direction. There was no opportunity for an adult/adult relationship to form. It makes sense that we don't relate. It makes sense that I never really got to know them, or them me.

I'm considering writing middle sister a letter. I feel like I am more able now to start to explain how and why I feel the way I do and why I am the way I am. But the idea scares me and I'm apprehensive about it. I won't say I think I should. (Dr Ruth says the word 'should' has an element of guilt attached to it and to try not to use it. "I should do the dishes now" versus "I could do the dishes now".) I feel as though I have to. And that's not guilt talking. It's more a compulsion and a matter of when it'll happen, not whether it will, or not.

Speaking of talking, I had a semi-talk with the anti-me last weekend. I told him I liked spending time with him, but I didn't want labels, or statuses, or complications of any sort. Neither does he. We both got out of relationships around the same time and neither of us are ready to be in one again. Besides, I don't think I could be in a real relationship with him - because he's so different than me. The amount of time we spend together (which is becoming most weekends now) suits me fine. Other than that, we text every couple of days and maybe talk once during the week.

The thing is, I like him. Not in a like like way. He's a good person. He's thoughtful, helpful and funny. Heck, he drove for an hour just to help me pick up a bookcase and bike from Ian's, deliver it to my place, have dinner and drive home again. I didn't ask him to. He offered. He still initiates most of our contact.

When I brought up 'the talk', he said he'd been expecting me to say something. Doofus. I smacked him on the head and told him it was such a guy thing to know 'the talk' was going to come, but make it my responsibility to bring up. I like him. I like that we get along great. I like that he's just a guy and doesn't pretend to be anything he's not. I like that he makes no apologies for being the way he is. I like that he lives an hour away...

It's making me comfortable. Meaning, I've been on the dating sites. I've contacted people and had people contact me. I've put off, stalled, or cancelled on everyone so far. I haven't met one person recently and it's because I just can't be bothered. Not ten minutes ago, I got a text from someone who sounds great, asking me to call him tonight. I have nothing to say. I will call though, because he's someone I'd like to meet. Thinking about meeting wears me out.

I'm just tired lately. It suits me to have my social group to do things with and mix with other girls. It suits me to have the anti-me around, but keep him at an emotional arms length. I don't want any more than that.

But I have to be careful, because I don't have much mental energy for more than those things right now and I don't think that'll be healthy if it stays that way too long.

Off to make that phone call now...