Ebb and flow
I mentioned the other day about a girlfriend who called me out of the blue, after we'd gone quite a while without catching up. In fact, I've moved house four times since I last talked to her (yeah, I'm part gypsy). She asked what I'd been up to, where I was living, and all those standard questions, to which I replied I'd send her an email, because I couldn't talk about it all at work. I haven't sent the email yet. Where to start and what to say are things I'm struggling with, and I haven't determined why. It's not that I don't want to email her. I just can't get started.
She's a nice girl (I should say woman, because she's in her 40s now, I think), and I like her, but we're worlds apart in numerous ways and I'm not sure in what capacity I'd like her in my life. We met when I was an executive assistant to the chairman and MD, and she was a senior secretary of a company we both worked for years ago, but we didn't really socialise until after we'd both left.
We have nothing much in common. She's from the country. I'm from the city. If we were colours, she'd be pink and I'd be black. She's settled and likes routine. I'm....more of a free spirit. Regardless, she's come back into my life for a reason and I'll find out what that is soon enough.
Having her contact me again made me reflect on another friend that my girlfriends and I no longer talk to. We had to make that decision a couple of years ago, because the choices she was making in her life were directly affecting our lives in a very negative way. Her behaviour, and the drama that surrounded her everywhere she went, was starting to cause problems, drama and stresses in our whole social group. Other peoples' marriages were straining, because she made statements that implied the rest of us were party to and participated in similar destructive behaviour.
I had been close friends with her for about 8 years and her daughters referred to me as their other sister. My other two closest friends had been best friends with her for over 20 years. It was sad and hard on all of us to walk away and we assumed the role of 'bad guy' for a while, because it was assumed that we all deserted her when she needed us the most. The fact is, we offered help, guidance and support, and she chose to ignore it (or rather, wasn't ready to hear it).
One of my friends still feels a lot of guilt about what happened, and because of the dynamics of our group, we hear what's going on in this person's life, because she's still on the periphery of the circle of friends and acquaintences. I, however, don't feel the guilt. I did my best to be there for someone who was so caught up in her own self-made dramas that she couldn't see how her actions were dragging her family and her friends down, causing rifts in lifetime friendships, that spread like a virus.
My headspace was being consumed and my energy was being drained, because I was worrying too much about this person's welfare. I didn't see what it was doing to me. When I chose to remove myself from the situation and support the other two friends, I did so not because I didn't care about her, or could not accept who she was, or the choices she was making, because I know she felt she was making the right choices for herself at that time, to get herself to where she thought she wanted to be. I did so because I needed to protect myself.
I was at a stage in my life where I was newly single, becoming more self aware, liking myself more, and needing as many positive influences in my life as I could find. I knew if I focussed too much on trying to help and understand someone else, I'd lose focus of what I needed to do to help me.
I have a male friend who is like this too. He's a lovely, sweet guy, but if you let him, he can keep you on the phone for 3 hours discussing how his latest love interest has broken his heart. For that reason, I rarely contact him, because it takes so much energy to not allow him to take all my energy. Some people just do that. They can't produce enough positive energy of their own and when you interact with them, you can physically feel them drawing it out of you.
And people change. I know I certainly have in many major ways in the last year or so. I've learnt a lot. One of those things I've learnt is that sometimes, in order to do the right thing by me, I need to let go of trying to do the right thing by others. That doesn't mean I care any less, or that I don't recognise the positive contributions they have made to my life. It doesn't mean I disagree with the choices they're making. It doesn't mean I think they're unworthy of my friendship; the friendships with some can remain, only at a distance. It doesn't mean I judge. Who am I to say that someone else's decisions are wrong for them, solely because I wouldn't make those decisions for myself?
It simply means that I've realised that my own personal growth, self preservation, mood, and attitude are determined in part by the people I actively choose to surround myself with on a regular basis.
The personal space I'm in now, and the choices I'm making now, are all positive and productive. I know myself, and I cannot afford to let myself become anxious about other peoples' situations (and therefore circumstances completely beyond my control), because I know I'm not far enough into the process of helping me get to where I need to be, to be able to be there for someone else and remain focussed on myself.
I am not the same person I was when I was 15, or when I was 25 (thank G-d!). I'll be a different person again, next year when I'm 35. We change. Life changes. Friends change. It's not a bad thing. It's not a good thing. It just is.
She's a nice girl (I should say woman, because she's in her 40s now, I think), and I like her, but we're worlds apart in numerous ways and I'm not sure in what capacity I'd like her in my life. We met when I was an executive assistant to the chairman and MD, and she was a senior secretary of a company we both worked for years ago, but we didn't really socialise until after we'd both left.
We have nothing much in common. She's from the country. I'm from the city. If we were colours, she'd be pink and I'd be black. She's settled and likes routine. I'm....more of a free spirit. Regardless, she's come back into my life for a reason and I'll find out what that is soon enough.
Having her contact me again made me reflect on another friend that my girlfriends and I no longer talk to. We had to make that decision a couple of years ago, because the choices she was making in her life were directly affecting our lives in a very negative way. Her behaviour, and the drama that surrounded her everywhere she went, was starting to cause problems, drama and stresses in our whole social group. Other peoples' marriages were straining, because she made statements that implied the rest of us were party to and participated in similar destructive behaviour.
I had been close friends with her for about 8 years and her daughters referred to me as their other sister. My other two closest friends had been best friends with her for over 20 years. It was sad and hard on all of us to walk away and we assumed the role of 'bad guy' for a while, because it was assumed that we all deserted her when she needed us the most. The fact is, we offered help, guidance and support, and she chose to ignore it (or rather, wasn't ready to hear it).
One of my friends still feels a lot of guilt about what happened, and because of the dynamics of our group, we hear what's going on in this person's life, because she's still on the periphery of the circle of friends and acquaintences. I, however, don't feel the guilt. I did my best to be there for someone who was so caught up in her own self-made dramas that she couldn't see how her actions were dragging her family and her friends down, causing rifts in lifetime friendships, that spread like a virus.
My headspace was being consumed and my energy was being drained, because I was worrying too much about this person's welfare. I didn't see what it was doing to me. When I chose to remove myself from the situation and support the other two friends, I did so not because I didn't care about her, or could not accept who she was, or the choices she was making, because I know she felt she was making the right choices for herself at that time, to get herself to where she thought she wanted to be. I did so because I needed to protect myself.
I was at a stage in my life where I was newly single, becoming more self aware, liking myself more, and needing as many positive influences in my life as I could find. I knew if I focussed too much on trying to help and understand someone else, I'd lose focus of what I needed to do to help me.
I have a male friend who is like this too. He's a lovely, sweet guy, but if you let him, he can keep you on the phone for 3 hours discussing how his latest love interest has broken his heart. For that reason, I rarely contact him, because it takes so much energy to not allow him to take all my energy. Some people just do that. They can't produce enough positive energy of their own and when you interact with them, you can physically feel them drawing it out of you.
And people change. I know I certainly have in many major ways in the last year or so. I've learnt a lot. One of those things I've learnt is that sometimes, in order to do the right thing by me, I need to let go of trying to do the right thing by others. That doesn't mean I care any less, or that I don't recognise the positive contributions they have made to my life. It doesn't mean I disagree with the choices they're making. It doesn't mean I think they're unworthy of my friendship; the friendships with some can remain, only at a distance. It doesn't mean I judge. Who am I to say that someone else's decisions are wrong for them, solely because I wouldn't make those decisions for myself?
It simply means that I've realised that my own personal growth, self preservation, mood, and attitude are determined in part by the people I actively choose to surround myself with on a regular basis.
The personal space I'm in now, and the choices I'm making now, are all positive and productive. I know myself, and I cannot afford to let myself become anxious about other peoples' situations (and therefore circumstances completely beyond my control), because I know I'm not far enough into the process of helping me get to where I need to be, to be able to be there for someone else and remain focussed on myself.
I am not the same person I was when I was 15, or when I was 25 (thank G-d!). I'll be a different person again, next year when I'm 35. We change. Life changes. Friends change. It's not a bad thing. It's not a good thing. It just is.
posted by E in Oz at 2:29 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 2:29 pm
2 Comments:
Yes. Just yes. To all of it.
Ditto what kT said.
a
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