Thoughts on thoughts
I realise I haven't followed up on my last post and why that comment bothered me so much. I guess I'm not ready to yet.
I'm not really sure how to say what I want to say in this post either. There's been so much on my mind lately that I wanted to come here and vent, whine or ramble about, but when it's come down to it, the words haven't come.
I realise my small corner of cyberspace is open to anyone who cares to drop by and read, but it's still my corner and it's still my thoughts, philosophies, rants, or whatever else I may feel inclined to add. It doesn't bother me so much that strangers may drop by, read for a bit, and never come back. It doesn't bother me that there are people who I know have been reading since I set up camp here in cyberspace, and have never commented to me; people I know and people I don't. I appreciate their interest and I appreciate their right to anonymity.
I also appreciate the people who read, who knew me before I started writing here, for their continued support and friendship over the years. I'm grateful also to the people who've stopped by along the way, decided to stay, and have become friends in one way or another.
I don't regret anything I've said here and I respect anyone's right to disagree with any of my points of view, or form opinions of me based on what I've written. However, this is just my corner in cyberspace. It's not wholly me, but parts I've felt the need to vocalise for various reasons. It does not define the whole of who I am and there's plenty of what goes on in my life that gets withheld. Kalliope's Musings is only a chapter. It doesn't tell my whole story.
As much as I thank those who choose to spend some of their day or week catching up with what's going on with me, I still write for me; good, bad, or completely nonsensical.
T read my blog, almost in its entirity, just recently. I didn't know he wanted to, or that he intended to. I understand his motivation behind it and in a way, I'm glad he did. There's a lot of stuff in here about my family that has probably been better explained to him than if I'd have tried to talk about it - I have longer to make my thoughts clearer in this medium.
As much as he misinterpretted a number of other things I wrote, and things got a little complicated and difficult for a while, it has shown me that the reader's interpretation of tone and actual content, as well as their individual background, can make a big difference in the way that the written word is received. No, it's not rocket science; I knew this before. However, it still surprised me that someone who knows me could read what I'd said and have such a different take on it than how I'd intended. I was surprised, too, that my tone and the message I may have been trying to get across, weren't received that way at all. My only annoyance probably, would be that he formed opinions and assumptions that were incorrect and I had to spend time verifying and justifying certain situations; some that I'd completely forgotten about. Asking before assuming would have been the better option, but it's ok. I understand his motivation and I honestly don't blame him or hold it against him.
It doesn't bother me to the degree it may once have. Moreso, the geeky side of me wonders what percentage of people get what I've written the way I wrote it, and what percentage have a completely different perception altogether. It's not something you could ever quantify, I think, except through reader feedback. Even then it woudn't be accurate, because those who do become regular readers are more likely to be mostly those who do get the tone or the message as it was intended.
What does bother me somewhat though, is that I haven't felt as able to post as freely as I'd like. That's not T's fault at all. In fact, I'm still trying to determine what it is that's bothering me. I'd like to think I can still post everything that's in my head, even if it's to do with us and even if it sucks. But when you're going through a difficult time with someone, and you have one avenue to be able to express your frustration, or simply collect your thoughts, is it possible to do that when that person is able to read those thoughts?
Really, I'd like to hope so. I'd like to have the faith that whatever I say is taken based on the context of my feelings/thoughts/emotions/wants/needs at that time and understand that it's not an indication of my overall point of view of the situation/relationship as a whole. I'd like to have the faith that the foundation of what we have, and the things that are positive and good within what we have, are enough that we're able to ride out the more complicated moments. I believe that to be the case, but time is the only thing that'll determine whether I'm right or not.
As much as it frustrates me that I've allowed myself to feel like I am less able to be vocal here in certain respects (yes, I'm self aware enough to know it's my issue and T is not at fault), it's shown me that we're capable of fumbling our way through the crap till we reach the other side, and that's a positive thing.
Of course, there've been times when he's made me want to stab myself in the eye and I know my stubborn self has caused him some sleepless nights. But I think Sandy's phrase 'relationship growing pains' sums it up pretty well. We're growing and we're learning and we've had some awesome fun along the way so far. He makes me laugh in a way I haven't in a long time and he's allowed me to be my total dorky, nerdy self. For some strange reason, he likes that I'm kinda nuts (although if he does choose to come back and read this, I'll be in trouble for calling myself nuts). He's also the first person to ever actively and openly encourage me to do the one thing I always wanted to do...and I'm working on it.
What surprises me is the realisation that the stranger I lived with was not encouraging at all when it came to who I was and what I wanted to be/do. I don't know how I never noticed that before. It's very apparent now though, and makes me appreciate T, and all his efforts, all the more.
So, do I feel like I've been silenced now that T has read/may read here? Yeah, a little, but I'll get over it. Besides, if I didn't keep writing here, it'd all stay in my head and that really wouldn't be a good thing for anyone!
I'm not really sure how to say what I want to say in this post either. There's been so much on my mind lately that I wanted to come here and vent, whine or ramble about, but when it's come down to it, the words haven't come.
I realise my small corner of cyberspace is open to anyone who cares to drop by and read, but it's still my corner and it's still my thoughts, philosophies, rants, or whatever else I may feel inclined to add. It doesn't bother me so much that strangers may drop by, read for a bit, and never come back. It doesn't bother me that there are people who I know have been reading since I set up camp here in cyberspace, and have never commented to me; people I know and people I don't. I appreciate their interest and I appreciate their right to anonymity.
I also appreciate the people who read, who knew me before I started writing here, for their continued support and friendship over the years. I'm grateful also to the people who've stopped by along the way, decided to stay, and have become friends in one way or another.
I don't regret anything I've said here and I respect anyone's right to disagree with any of my points of view, or form opinions of me based on what I've written. However, this is just my corner in cyberspace. It's not wholly me, but parts I've felt the need to vocalise for various reasons. It does not define the whole of who I am and there's plenty of what goes on in my life that gets withheld. Kalliope's Musings is only a chapter. It doesn't tell my whole story.
As much as I thank those who choose to spend some of their day or week catching up with what's going on with me, I still write for me; good, bad, or completely nonsensical.
T read my blog, almost in its entirity, just recently. I didn't know he wanted to, or that he intended to. I understand his motivation behind it and in a way, I'm glad he did. There's a lot of stuff in here about my family that has probably been better explained to him than if I'd have tried to talk about it - I have longer to make my thoughts clearer in this medium.
As much as he misinterpretted a number of other things I wrote, and things got a little complicated and difficult for a while, it has shown me that the reader's interpretation of tone and actual content, as well as their individual background, can make a big difference in the way that the written word is received. No, it's not rocket science; I knew this before. However, it still surprised me that someone who knows me could read what I'd said and have such a different take on it than how I'd intended. I was surprised, too, that my tone and the message I may have been trying to get across, weren't received that way at all. My only annoyance probably, would be that he formed opinions and assumptions that were incorrect and I had to spend time verifying and justifying certain situations; some that I'd completely forgotten about. Asking before assuming would have been the better option, but it's ok. I understand his motivation and I honestly don't blame him or hold it against him.
It doesn't bother me to the degree it may once have. Moreso, the geeky side of me wonders what percentage of people get what I've written the way I wrote it, and what percentage have a completely different perception altogether. It's not something you could ever quantify, I think, except through reader feedback. Even then it woudn't be accurate, because those who do become regular readers are more likely to be mostly those who do get the tone or the message as it was intended.
What does bother me somewhat though, is that I haven't felt as able to post as freely as I'd like. That's not T's fault at all. In fact, I'm still trying to determine what it is that's bothering me. I'd like to think I can still post everything that's in my head, even if it's to do with us and even if it sucks. But when you're going through a difficult time with someone, and you have one avenue to be able to express your frustration, or simply collect your thoughts, is it possible to do that when that person is able to read those thoughts?
Really, I'd like to hope so. I'd like to have the faith that whatever I say is taken based on the context of my feelings/thoughts/emotions/wants/needs at that time and understand that it's not an indication of my overall point of view of the situation/relationship as a whole. I'd like to have the faith that the foundation of what we have, and the things that are positive and good within what we have, are enough that we're able to ride out the more complicated moments. I believe that to be the case, but time is the only thing that'll determine whether I'm right or not.
As much as it frustrates me that I've allowed myself to feel like I am less able to be vocal here in certain respects (yes, I'm self aware enough to know it's my issue and T is not at fault), it's shown me that we're capable of fumbling our way through the crap till we reach the other side, and that's a positive thing.
Of course, there've been times when he's made me want to stab myself in the eye and I know my stubborn self has caused him some sleepless nights. But I think Sandy's phrase 'relationship growing pains' sums it up pretty well. We're growing and we're learning and we've had some awesome fun along the way so far. He makes me laugh in a way I haven't in a long time and he's allowed me to be my total dorky, nerdy self. For some strange reason, he likes that I'm kinda nuts (although if he does choose to come back and read this, I'll be in trouble for calling myself nuts). He's also the first person to ever actively and openly encourage me to do the one thing I always wanted to do...and I'm working on it.
What surprises me is the realisation that the stranger I lived with was not encouraging at all when it came to who I was and what I wanted to be/do. I don't know how I never noticed that before. It's very apparent now though, and makes me appreciate T, and all his efforts, all the more.
So, do I feel like I've been silenced now that T has read/may read here? Yeah, a little, but I'll get over it. Besides, if I didn't keep writing here, it'd all stay in my head and that really wouldn't be a good thing for anyone!
posted by E in Oz at 9:37 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 9:37 pm
7 Comments:
Kalliope...wow what a post! The thing about this medium as you have stated is 'open' and with that may come an audience.I have felt a little stiffled my self by my audience and thus keep another blog which people 'out there' havent and probably won`t ever see. I`m glad you feel ok about him reading your space and really the fact that he devoted the time to it and asked you many questions does tell you something. I for one am a 'Fan' and a voyer who likes to look inside ;-)
I think we'll (you and I and countless others with a 'past') have to be satisfied in knowing that only those who have walked the path we've walked will completely understand our thoughts, feelings and actions.
Hubby doesn't understand how things from so long ago can affect me to this day (the exaggerated startle reflex, for example), but at least he's patient with me. I choose not to talk to him about it because it'd only frustrate me to try to explain the feeling. He couldn't possibly understand because he had the perfect (and I mean PERFECT) childhood.
Writing in my secret blog was extremely cathartic for me and I'm glad that I kept that secret blog secret (for the most part!) That 'other' me isn't my normal day-to-day self. The person you see in my public blog is.
It makes no sense to me at all, but I'm embarassed to share what happened to me growing up. I feel that there's a stigma or belief that because of my past, I most certainly MUST be a loon. I choose to not have people make that judgment about me.
It's a fine line, honey. How much do you share so you know you have a completely honest relationship -vs- how much do you not share to protect yourself from incorrect perceptions.
I choose to protect myself, and only share with those who have been there. It may not be the healthiest way to deal with things, but it's the only way that I feel safe.
That's at once the beauty and the scourge of the world wide web. You can be connected, intimate, open, and yet? Anonymous. For the most part.
It's interesting to know how you feel about T reading your thoughts. I've wondered how that would be. I'm not sure I'd be as comfortable as you seem.
I`m glad you feel ok about him reading your space and really the fact that he devoted the time to it and asked you many questions does tell you something.
Yeah, consise, he does care a lot and he shows it. I'm pretty lucky in that respect.
RG, sometimes you just leave me lost for words. I want you and Mel to adopt me lol. Love n hugs....
kT, I'm definitely more comfortable with it now than I was and than I thought I'd be. I guess that's an indication of my comfort level with him too. I'm pretty content right now. :-)
What a beautiful post...it's like one of those posts that's written fast and smooth, from the heart...the kind that leaves your fingers a little tired. This man must be crazy about you to read{almost} your whole blog. He may be struggling with a deep curiosity about you...which clashes with a fear of your power in his life. You could hurt him now...you know?
You're a beautiful, objective, and loving soul. He's lucky to have found you.
Sandy, I tried responding to your comment in an email, but it wouldn't send. Sometimes you're pretty insightful, you know - which is what makes your job so perfect for you too!
Thank you for the compliments. I think I'm pretty lucky too.
ps. Hope you're feeling better today.
I can understand the silenced feeling. I've been writing my blog for a little over 3 years now, and I was dating my ex-girlfriend the entire time (up until Sep 2005 when we broke up). however, she didn't know about it at all -- it was a part of my life I pretty much withheld from her, and she was surprised when she finally found out about it. I'd not written anything really damaging about me and her in there, but I had talked about us and such a lot -- she filled a lot of my entries while we were together. needless to say, she wasn't all that happy that I didn't want her to read it really -- but as of late, we are still best of friends, and she reads it when she can, so I don't mind now.
I shouldn't have been secretive about it and all; however, I'm thinking I still would have been as open as I am now even if I knew she were reading it. that's debatable though, of course.
all i know is that you ought to write what you feel, no matter what others say. fuck them all to hell, seriously... your boy should understand that you're expressing yourself in the ways you need and want to, so he ought to be chill with it. it will come with time though. glad to come back and see your writings once again -- they're like a breath of fresh air. I'm catching up slowly but surely. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home