Dawn
The time is 4.32am, it's dark outside, the birds have just woken for the day, and I've been awake since 3am. I got to sleep after 12. I have narcolepsy and technically sleep should be the easiest thing for me, so it's fairly evident there's a problem in Houston.
My blood pressure has historically been pretty low. Lately, it's sitting on the high side of normal. It's been a while since I've had strong enough chest pains to warrant any concern. This week, I've felt like someone has been squeezing my heart like you would a ball of play doh. I can only put it down to anxiety about work increasing my heart rate. Generally, I can take some time and calm myself down and the pain will go. At the moment, I'm having trouble calming down enough.
There is no way I could sufficiently explain the stupidity that goes on where I work and how I'm made to feel on a daily basis, simply trying to get my work done. I have had all I can take. My boss and one of the HR managers want a meeting with me on Monday and I've agreed. The reasoning is complicated. However, rather than having the meeting about what they want to discuss, I'll be resigning (assuming I get over the anxiety of thinking about it long enough to actually do it).
I do not have another job to go to and that is a whole different type of stress in itself. If I were not already on the edge of sanity, I wouldn't even consider putting myself in such a predicament. I cannot afford to be without work and I hope like hell I can find something else within the 30 days I have to give as notice. Staying where I am is no longer an option, no matter what the outcome of the meeting on Monday.
I don't even have the energy to put into words how little energy I have and how simply physically and mentally tired I am. I have tried to make this job work. I have tried to be better than the people I work for. I did not want to resign before I had a new job. It's intense pressure of a different kind. But, enough is enough.
A completely unrelated side note. My niece's situation in Italy is much worse than before. She and I are now in the process of finding a way to get her and her daughters back here....without my mother or my sister being involved, because they add to the problems, not solutions. I need to get resources from who knows where, but I will find a way.
I'm telling myself everything will be ok. It has to be.
(...and apologies for the lack of visiting/commenting on peoples' blogs at the moment...I've just not had time...)
My blood pressure has historically been pretty low. Lately, it's sitting on the high side of normal. It's been a while since I've had strong enough chest pains to warrant any concern. This week, I've felt like someone has been squeezing my heart like you would a ball of play doh. I can only put it down to anxiety about work increasing my heart rate. Generally, I can take some time and calm myself down and the pain will go. At the moment, I'm having trouble calming down enough.
There is no way I could sufficiently explain the stupidity that goes on where I work and how I'm made to feel on a daily basis, simply trying to get my work done. I have had all I can take. My boss and one of the HR managers want a meeting with me on Monday and I've agreed. The reasoning is complicated. However, rather than having the meeting about what they want to discuss, I'll be resigning (assuming I get over the anxiety of thinking about it long enough to actually do it).
I do not have another job to go to and that is a whole different type of stress in itself. If I were not already on the edge of sanity, I wouldn't even consider putting myself in such a predicament. I cannot afford to be without work and I hope like hell I can find something else within the 30 days I have to give as notice. Staying where I am is no longer an option, no matter what the outcome of the meeting on Monday.
I don't even have the energy to put into words how little energy I have and how simply physically and mentally tired I am. I have tried to make this job work. I have tried to be better than the people I work for. I did not want to resign before I had a new job. It's intense pressure of a different kind. But, enough is enough.
A completely unrelated side note. My niece's situation in Italy is much worse than before. She and I are now in the process of finding a way to get her and her daughters back here....without my mother or my sister being involved, because they add to the problems, not solutions. I need to get resources from who knows where, but I will find a way.
I'm telling myself everything will be ok. It has to be.
(...and apologies for the lack of visiting/commenting on peoples' blogs at the moment...I've just not had time...)
posted by E in Oz at 4:32 am
these thoughts escaped my brain at 4:32 am
4 Comments:
(((((((((((((((E))))))))))))))))))
((((((((E))))))))(((((((E))))))))
A few hugs to let you know that we care. I think you are doing what's best for yourself and I know you are smart enough to find something in the 30 days of your notice. You don't seem to have had any problems finding work before.... anything to get you out of what you are in now.... hang in there....
If there was ever a time I wanted to scream "GET OUT"--now would be the time. I think I'm angry. *checking*
Yep.
I'm angry.
IT'S not getting better and your physical/emotional well-being is getting worse.
((((((((((( E ))))))))))))))))))
Sometimes the best thing we can do about the circumstances is to get the hell out of 'em.
I agree with Mel, it's time to GET OUT! I'm glad you recognize that, but it saddens my heart to see you being put in this position at all. Praying for you and your niece and sending many hugs your way! (((e))) ((((E)))) (((((((E))))))) ((((E))))
Our friends said it well...
so, i'll just hug ya and let you know i think you're terrific. you'll get through this.
((((((((((((E)))))))))))))
Sending positive thoughts your way for you and for your niece.
((((E)))
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