Ms Fixit needs a new toolbox

A guy I met online, and I, a few years back, used to say we were fix-it people; we meet people, get close, teach them lessons, help sort their issues out....and watch them move on to have (apparently) good relationships with other people. It happened often enough for both of us that we saw a pattern forming. I'm doing it again.

I met G at one of the more stressful points in his life. He's literally cried on my shoulder in my house, in public and at the gym. One of those times, it was because I pointed out how he'd done the wrong thing by me. It was a relatively small thing, but if either of us told anyone, they'd think he was a pretty crappy person who needed a good smack to the side of the head. I wasn't saying it to hurt him, rather just to get him to see things he wasn't seeing. The other times, it's because I pointed out how he'd done the wrong thing by other people....and himself.

It's hard to watch someone trying to do the right thing, but in doing so act in ways that are potentially destructive to themselves (even harder when some of those destructive things make you feel good). G has an idea of who he wants to be and what he thinks he should be (as opposed to what he actually wants, which he can't specify). I'm finding it difficult to let him find his path and not coach each step of the way. I give advice and wonder how much of it is because I want that outcome for him and how much is self-serving. What I offer as far as support is ideas for him to consider saying and doing in order to get the result he wants.

On the flip side, I question if that's really what he wants to do....because can you really say you want to do something when you don't know for sure if it's going to make you happy anyway.....and when you're still doing things in direct opposition to your goal? I can say I want to do something, because I'm pretty sure the outcome will make me happy, even if I don't know for certain. But if I can't answer that question with at least some certainty, I probably should be thinking about it more, before I go off and do it. Maybe that's just me...

So....here I am, wanting to see someone achieve what it is they think they want, but getting something myself from the things they're doing that don't help that cause. I like having someone to talk to. I like having someone hug me while I'm watching a movie - not in a romantic way, but just to be held. I like having someone who'll ring up just to see if I want to hang out. As twisted as it sounds, I don't mind being second to the person he thinks he should try to be with. As hard as it is for me to comprehend, I believe him when he tells me how highly I rate in his life. And yet, I'm pushing for him to be with someone else. Their history suggests things won't turn out the way he wants, but he's got to discover that himself.

Being completely honest, I am getting some kind of satisfaction from being a sounding board and a place for support. It's a little overwhelming that he has the emotional connection to me that he says he does, and it's a concern. I told him today that it's detrimental to what he says he wants, and he agrees, but he says he has no intention of giving that (me) up either. I was surprised to hear they've discussed my involvement with him (yeah, weird). He says she understands and knows the circumstances. I guess I'll find out how she really feels in a few weeks, when we're all at a major function together, if we don't meet sooner. I told G she shouldn't feel threatened by me in any way. His reply was that he sees me as much more than a friend and it would be difficult for him to see me as only a friend. Hmmm...

He told her no matter what happens, he's not giving up our friendship. Yep, if you know me, whatever reaction you're having to that statement now, it's probably quite similar to mine. I guess my side is a little more self-serving. It's good to have the company (with limits and boundaries), without the hassle of a relationship, as selfish as that sounds.

G knows I don't want a relationship with him, coz, let's face it, the guy is a huge risk with major issues, and I don't need that. And he says some really clueless things that, although honest, do sting. Heck, he told me something he told her and I'm surprised his head remained on his shoulders and he's still alive. But as a friend and as a person, he's great, and like him, I don't want to give that up. We're simultaneously very bad and very good influences on each other.

I suppose there's no real point to this. I've just had a lot of time to think this weekend. The situation is not about to change, because I don't think any of us want it to change in any major way right now....or we're not ready for it to change.

I guess everyone does what they need to in life, to get by, till they're ready to do what they have to do to get where they want to be.