Family part 15 - In sickness and in health
Mum told me yesterday that my eldest sister (the overweight sociopath) had been taken to hospital by ambulance again. It sounded like one of her regular ailments. This morning, mum rang me asking for the number of the hotel my niece works at in Italy, so she could contact her. We chatted a while and I gave her the number. She sent me a text this afternoon saying my sister had had a stroke, but she was coherent and can talk. Not good, but at least she has her speech.
I feel bad, because.....well, because I don't feel bad. In fact, I've been teary because I feel nothing. In distance, I'm the closest person to her, but I have no inclination to drive the three hours to see her. Nor do I want to call, even though mum has given me the number for the hospital.
She's done so many negative things to me, directly or indirectly, and almost all of her issues are self inflicted. It's hard to be empathetic or want to be supportive. Mum enables and excuses all her bad behaviours and calls her "my baby". The woman is 47.
I dunno. I feel awful for my niece. Mum said she sent her a carefully worded text message in case she couldn't get her on the phone. She's having a hard enough time as it is. She knows what her mum is like and some of the awful things she's done (even to her quite recently), but she's still her mum and they do have a good relationship.
I'm responsible. I'm self sufficient. I look after myself - mostly. I just can't feel sorry for someone who's never helped themselves, always made excuses not to, and continues to the wrong thing by most of those closest to her.
Ever since she got sick last year and spent a considerable amount of time in hospital, I haven't expected her to last more than a few more years. She's just not physically or mentally healthy enough. And 47 ain't old by a long shot! (Heck, I've got an ex who's that age now!)
But I didn't expect her to have a stroke. Considering her lifestyle, I'm not sure why that didn't occur to me.
I dunno. It's surreal and maybe I'm still processing, but right now I just feel bad because I don't feel empathetic.
I feel bad, because.....well, because I don't feel bad. In fact, I've been teary because I feel nothing. In distance, I'm the closest person to her, but I have no inclination to drive the three hours to see her. Nor do I want to call, even though mum has given me the number for the hospital.
She's done so many negative things to me, directly or indirectly, and almost all of her issues are self inflicted. It's hard to be empathetic or want to be supportive. Mum enables and excuses all her bad behaviours and calls her "my baby". The woman is 47.
I dunno. I feel awful for my niece. Mum said she sent her a carefully worded text message in case she couldn't get her on the phone. She's having a hard enough time as it is. She knows what her mum is like and some of the awful things she's done (even to her quite recently), but she's still her mum and they do have a good relationship.
I'm responsible. I'm self sufficient. I look after myself - mostly. I just can't feel sorry for someone who's never helped themselves, always made excuses not to, and continues to the wrong thing by most of those closest to her.
Ever since she got sick last year and spent a considerable amount of time in hospital, I haven't expected her to last more than a few more years. She's just not physically or mentally healthy enough. And 47 ain't old by a long shot! (Heck, I've got an ex who's that age now!)
But I didn't expect her to have a stroke. Considering her lifestyle, I'm not sure why that didn't occur to me.
I dunno. It's surreal and maybe I'm still processing, but right now I just feel bad because I don't feel empathetic.
posted by E in Oz at 6:48 pm
these thoughts escaped my brain at 6:48 pm
3 Comments:
Hugs. No matter what the history or circumstance, still not an easy time.
Been there, done that with my mom. And, like you, I feel super guilty about not feeling bad.
By the way? You're right about 47. I'm 47, and certainly don't feel old.
....most days, anyway.
xoxo
*nodding*
It's like looking for a tooth that just plain ain't there.
Somehow I think it 'oughta be'--but it's not. It's just a strange feeling to be detached and void of any particular 'feeling' connected with the one you're detached from.
k......that probably only makes sense to me......
How about I just say "I hear ya".
Post a Comment
<< Home